I hope you don't mind me telling you a bit of my story. Ive kinda wanted to talk about it for a long time now, but feel embarrassed to discuss it with friends and in sw.
Maybe we can help each other?
I lost a lot of weight the other week and found out about it when I weighed in - at first I was delighted... but pretty soon I remembered that feeling of joy - it was the same one I felt when I could very nearly have been trapped in an eating disorder.
After being large for most of my childhood and having been on a diet in junior school I felt in many ways like crap. My self esteem was low most times but I just didnt realise why I felt bad etc.
Anyway in University it was hard to buy food, not due to lack of money (dont drink or smoke etc)but it was a new place and i didnt drive... I bought what i needed and soon I was having so much fun with my friends and was busy visiting and getting involved with events that I discovered that I forgot to eat.
One evening late in the year I remember being at a friends house and had a really bad stomach, when we chatted she asked what I had had to eat - it was 11.30pm and I hadnt eaten a thing all day. I just forgot. It was then that I thought more about eating and it was then i became a bit scared. People had begun asking me what I had had to eat, especially the girls in my dorm. I wasnt thin by any stretch but was considerably smaller than I was when I first came to uni. I knew it was becoming serious when I had to make myself eat. My stomach had begun to reject food and when I ate I often threw it back up because my stomach didnt know what to do with it.
One thing I remember vividly is choosing a small scoop of egg mayo and some lettuce and a brown roll and sitting in the uni canteen. I sat there for about an hour just forcing myself to eat it. My mouth was dry even though I had water and I almost threw up many times, when friends came by I waved and just tried to make it seem like I was chilling...
Mentally I was extreemly strong because I was certain that was not going to have an eating disorder - it was pride I guess. Saying that I kept up that eating untill around year 3. A friend I had was a vegy and one night I spent ages helping her to prepare a lasagne. I was just getting ready to leave (it was being served up) when my friend and her housemates strongly urged me to have some and wouldnt let me leave... this was the turning point - Slowly I ate the food, my stomach wanted it and groaned all the way through. I felt gutted that my stomach was enjoying the food at the same time as feeling joy at finally being full. There on in I tried to stop things like standing in the shower marvelling at how thin I could get my stomach to look, With the help of another friend (who hated eating at my house because I always ate these soups - unknowlingly they are the soups that the hospital use to make people lose weight quickly) I slowly began spending money on a bag of crisps or a pack of plain biscuits...
The rest is history, believe me this is the short version of events. But now I am so much the other way that all I think of is food. Unlike you (i think thats what you said in your posting) I do want to get back to my previous shape - but this time I am determind that if I get there I will do it a healthy way. It felt so good being able to go into shops and buy anything I wanted - even size 10 tops!
When I lost alomst half a stone the other week I freeked out - it was scary loosing that much weight and I kind of made sure that the following week I put on, just to get the balance right.
I think that if you are deeply happy with your weight then dont diet (unless medical reasons). If you are happy being larger then fab. BUT if you do want to have a go at being thinner do it for you and for the right reasons, talk to me and others on this site. If you find yourself beautiful seriously 'sod' everyone else... I know though - it isnt always as easy as that.
much love to you!!
