O/T am i doing right thing?

[Littleslimmingbee]

Hi guys.

I just feel like i have to share this, i am so confused.


some of you may know the story, from past posts. This has been a really on going thing.

To cut a long story short. My mum married a horrible, monstor of a guy, whom in the end she wasnt strong enough to kick him out by herself, and yet again i had to do it for her. She asked me to pack up all his things, i had to make all contact with him reguarding the house etc.. and she said she would NEVER let him near her kids again, or near her.


since then she has gone further and further from her word.. firstly seeing him outside the house for days out without the kids knowing, then she started letting him back in the house for 'cups of tea' whilst the kids were at school.. then there was day trips out with the kids, , now he's round there reguarly, and yesterday they threw him a birthday party. last week i went round and there were two mugs in her bedroom and a card adressed her to her 'husband' with a very soppy message to him inside. They are together, there is no doubting that.

he is a horrible ******* and as i have done in the past, iv had to pick up the peices, my youngest brother has had to have councilling because he really messed with then.. Social services and police were involved. she tells the kids to lie to me about seeing john or were she's gone.


she just keeps lieing to me, and she so in deniel she cannot see what she is doing for wrong, i have been dancing around this for months but now she has pushed it too far.. Joe no longer wants her in the house and has canceled our weekend away with her and the kids.


i finally had to build up the corouge to tell her if she continues with this i can no longer have her in my life. It was really tough and broke my heart, but there was part of me that was certain that she has always maintained that her children came first, so surly she would pick me.


well. She hasnt. I am devasted. I cant stop crying and all of a sudden the world seems so lonley. I can't even discribe the dissapointment i feel, the one person who should never let me down has, i dont understand how she can continue doing somthing she knows hurts me so much.

i dont know what to do, its been 2 days and all i want is my mum but i cant keep allowing her to hurt me like this, i cant be there to watch her destroy all the progress shes made with the kids.. i am just so angry.

everytime i confront her, she makes me feel awful, she turns it around on me, because she doesnt want to grow old alone.. she makes me feel like im blowing it all out of proportion, infact somtimes she makes me feel like im imagining it all.


I just cant believe whats shes doing, i cant believe she's throwing our relationship away for HIM. eurgh it makes me sick. physically sick, i cant .. i just cant even stand the thought, everytime it crosses my mind i cant help but cry.


it feels like my heart actually hurts.

do i stand my ground? is life too short? or am i doing the best thing for me? for joe.. for us. and my life.

 

[louisedan]

Problem with people like him is that they always turn it back on the victim.He probably tells her that everything is her fault and she has come to believe it.She may also have been brainwashed into thinking that no other man would ever look at her and she should be grateful to him for putting up with her.Remember she is as much a avictim as the rest of you. It doesn't excuse what she is doing but try to remember that.She may not be able to see past the next few hours because of the mind games being played.The only thing you can do is be strong in case she does manage to be strong enough to get away from him. Not much help to you,I know but just like an addict she has to discover it for herself and do it herself.You probably feel like banging her head against a brick wall to knock some sense into her but shouting probably wont get you anywhere. All I can say is hang on by the skin of your teeth and wait for her. Good luck and remember we are here if you need us. xxx Big hugs and all the love I can send.
Louise.

 

[isobels]

Hi Fern,
I really dont know what to say, those poor children! Its just terrible when parents cant make the right choices. I hope that she can find a way to make it right
hugs to you x x x

 

[Lonestitcher]

First of all..... BIG ((((**HUGS**))))

Both sides must bring something to the relationship, something positive. If you are bringing strength and forgiveness to the relationship, and she is just bringing you heartache and lies, it isn't very evenly balanced is it??

As hard as it may seem, even though Joe is now your family. Your mother is an individual and will make her own decisions. Even if everyone else can see the decisions are wrong.

My only suggestions are, keep in touch with the kids (as much as possible) - if it all goes t*ts up, they will need someone with your strength. Keep in touch with your mum, even if it's just a birthday and Christmas card. NO-ONE can make you accept or even like this man, but you WILL have to accept that he is now a part of her life (even if it's yet another HUGE mistake). If/when she eventually realises her mistake SHE has to throw him out. By making you do it, she put the responsibility/blame on to you, and that is not really acceptable.

Whatever you do, make it YOUR decision. Not Joe's, not your mum's and certainly not this man's.

HTH

P.S. Sorry for so many uses of the word 'actually'. I've been watching too much Supernanny.

 

[Littleslimmingbee]

Its just tearing me up, and its just been slowly breaking me and breaking me for well over a year now, knowing she's lieing to my face, not protecting the kids like she should be etc..

Joes sister has been incredible, she says they'r my family now and that iv done the right thing, that when my mums ready she'l come back to me and il be waiting, but for now i have to think about myself.


its amazing, i have my amazing best friend, her unborn baby and her lovley OH, my Joe and joes family.. but without my mum, no matter how much she hurts me, suddenly the world just seems very lonley.



in my head i know that its his fault she's thinking this way, but she just keeps hurting me.. i cant keep on feeling this way. I love my family so much, this is just a situation i never thought i'd be in.

 

[malaika]

Fern, honey, I am so sorry that you have to go through this.
Your mum seems to be suffering from the abused woman syndrome and that man has somehow, as they often do, got back into her life with lies and false promises.
Your mum should never had you, as her daughter, kick the b****** out!
If she didn't have the courage to do it herself, she should have got an outsider to do it. It is just so unfair that you have been brought into this.
My advice would be to build your life with Joe, and try, as hard as it is to step away from your mum.
You deserve a happy life, so don't throw away what you have. Your mum has wrongly chosen the life she chooses, so she must face the consequences. If she chooses this man over you, she will, in time regret it.
Just step away, sweetheart. You are such a wonderful girl and she should be so proud of you. NO man, is worth giving up such a wonderful daughter. She is just so lucky to have you.
She will realise she is wrong, in time. Until then, you live your life and be happy. When she wakes up, be there, but let her make the next move.
Honey, you deserve so much more than that. Just be happy, and think about YOU first.
Lots of love and hugs from me. PM me please if you ever feel like a chat. I'll be more than happy to be an ear and a shoulder... and I'll gladly give you my mobile number there if you need to talk. xxxxx

 

[Littleslimmingbee]

Thank you so much guys. I just hope it stop hurting soon. Im gunna head to bed i think. x

 

[Smokes]

(((hugs)))
No real advice as it must be an impossible situation to be in. But I think I agree with the others, try to stay strong and be there when she needs you when she's realised how bad for her and her family this man is.

 

[IreneH]

You are a wonderful daughter but I feel at the moment you need to take a step back and start living your life and leave her to it.

Perhaps things will change in the future but put yourself first for now.

Irene xx

 

[ilovelife]

I know this sounds harsh but from my own personal experience with 'family' is that it is only a label that you but on the person, you can construct the meanings, cause lets face it their own a person!

 

[Happy Holidays]

I'm sending you big hugs.

All the comments are really good.

Stand your ground & remember you've got your own family now. Obviously be there for the kids, but let your mum get on with her life.

It's not going to be easy but we are all here for you xxxxx

 

[julie19]

Oh Fern!! Poor you - what an awful situation for you to be in. My only advice I suppose would be to stand your ground with her, you cannot always be there to pick up the pieces & clean up after her, Joe is there for you now & whilst your mum will always be your mum I think you have to take a step back from the situation, you can watch from the sidelines & I would strongly advise that you don't lose all contact entirely as I am sure the kids will miss you too much for that but she has to realise her own mistakes this time, you can't always do it for her and she should not expect you to either. Is he abusive in such a way that you get get the authorities involved? If you could then maybe that would be the wake up call she needs. Will you still see your siblings without your mum around as you are probably the most constant stable thing in their lives from the sounds of it.

Whatever you decide to do will be right for you & Joe, think forward too, if you & Joe decide to start a family, do you want someone that unreliable to be around your child with him? I am sorry if that sounds harsh as she is your mum but you need to put you & Joe first, he sounds like a great guy that looks after you, please don't jepordise (spelling??) that.

Take care & huge hugs
xoxo

 

[Littleslimmingbee]

He isnt abusive physcially, just mentally, saying his heart is made of stone is an understatment.. we tried to help him for a really long time (in spite of this) and they did marrige councilling for a year before he finally left last febuary (i say left, i mean i packed his **** in plastic bags and told him to leave)

i am going to phone social services, my older brother and i always agreed it was our last option should things get out of hand.
- the bit that tipped my mum over the edge and made her leave him last time was finding porn, of very young girls.. (i cant prove they were under 18, but they were) on his computer, years and years worth.

As a survivor of abuse as a child, this is what did it for me. Now the thought of him near my sisters makes me sick. Although the police proved he didnt do anything to them, the fact he looked at those things makes me want to unimaginable things to him.

So i am going to phone them and inform them that he is being allowed in contact with them again. I think its only fair i protect them if my mother is no longer fit too.

the other things he did include, trying to kill my hamster, telling my 8 year old brother if he didnt do as he said he could find somewhere else to leave.. refusing him contact with my mum when caring for him, blaming me for the problems in his marrige, refusing to pick up his sick mother from the home she was in so she could come over for sunday lunch etc. the list goes on.. and on.. and on.. from petty things to as iv already shown, massive.. unforgivable things. (well i say unforgivable.. obviously not for some)

my sister is a people pleaser and so im not suprised shes being maniupualted into seeing him again, my youngest brother (despite all the nasty things he did to him) only saw the good, he desperatly wanted a dad and no matter what he did wrong, he was terrified he'd leave or die like his real dad is ( also a complete *******- my mother doesnt have the best track record in men .. an alcholic, abuser and now this.. )



i have every intention of seeing the children, im going to invite my sisters over for a sleep over in a week or so, and i'l have michael round for visits after school. This isnt their fault and i couldnt bare the thought of not having them in my life.


Last night i recieved an email, it confirmed that she was choosing him. that hurt, i never expected that, i thought by threatening not to see her anymore, she woould see sence.. but she hasnt. Shed rather have him than me.. so thats it.

Im taking each day at a time, sometimes i just sit and cry, and i cant seem to stop.. somtimes i feel like i can manage, my anger gets me through. Its going to be so tough.. but one day im going to have my own family, my own baby.. and all i can take from this is just what not to do as a mother.. and the importance of having people who are mentally stable and trustworthy around you.


right now is a good moment, earlier not so much.. but i have no choice but to get on with my life now, untill she see's sence and i can have my mum back.


Thanks for your help guys, i really, really appreciate it more than you know. xxxx

 

[ilovelife]

your doing the right thing going to social services if he does have obscene images of children, get the ******* locked up (sorry one of my major things that winds me up)!

 

[Littleslimmingbee]

- Hmm yes, and after everything you'd think my mother would feel the same.. but in all honestly it's like she's forgotten everything :-|

 

[ilovelife]

it might be hard for your mum with being with a dominate person in her life to 'see behind the trees' as it were. But I too have a crap mother so your not alone there!

 

[louisedan]

She hasn't forgotten she's fooling herself it was ok. I agree go to social services-I used to work with children who had been abused and most of the time it takes someone to keep them updated from within the family to help them keep track of situations-as much as they would like to they can't be everywhere. You are coping really well in view of everything you've been through so hold your head up and be proud of yourself. More hugs from me.xx