O/T Would you forgive someone who cheated on you?

[Yvonne1989]

I have but never again...I am still with him(kinda) and I havent forgiven him exactly as i still think about it constantly so also definately havent forgotten. yes emotional is definately worse as it means they have spent enough time with this other person to have developed feelings for them and possibly want to leave you.

 

[LizzMB]

just dont know, hope i never have to be tested in that hun!

DH has a girl that is paying too much interest in him at work, and i've had to say something to DH as its making me feel uncomfortable...
I'm quite astute (sp?), and DH is just dappy so i really do think i would know, but even then....its a difficult call to make.

Emotional is far harder to get over i think....

I think sleeping with somone once for a purely physical reason is one thing, and i would be able to compete with that, but if DH fell in love with somone else, that means he doesnt whole heartedly love me....which would totally break my heart!

HHHmmmmmm, difficult one hun!

xxx

 

[emmapetty]

I'm not quite sure what you mean by an 'emotional affair' - I think it's perfectly ok for my HB to have lady 'friends'. I guess if he began to 'like' her more than a friend, i'd bee desperately jealous and be uneasy if I was aware he was going/doing something with her.

As far as physically cheating - hmm this is a difficult one. I can not imagine my life without HB. I would most likely take myself off to my Mum's for a few weeks and cry with her! But, I know me, I would take him back (not that I would ever let him know that btw) and I would try my best to forgive him, and see how it worked out.

I guess we can't really say until it happens to us. Which, I hope it never will.

Hugs x x x

 

[Caz]

Emotional affair, I guess, is just where a relationship has gone beyond friendship, but isn't physical. I guess it's another thing of well what would you class as it.

Can I just say, I'm not asking for any reason to do with me! I just realised it might seem like I was, but no, I just had this conversation with someone earlier and thought it was interesting. We were saying we thought it depended on the woman, the people we say stick with it are often, not always, people with confidence problems. Whether they don't have the confidence to say get out, or think they can't do better, I don't know. It isn't always like that though I'm sure! I just know one girl whose boyfriend has cheated on her so many times over the past few years, and she knows about them, he's rubbed them in her face a lot of the time, but yet she stays with him. I don't understand it! Really don't.

Ok, I've got an example of the emotional type thing. And I can't believe I'm about to tell you this, it now seems pretty embarrassing! I had a friend who we didn't meet up much, well, ever. But spoke, a lot. It didn't start that way, would be the odd text or conversation on msn or quick hi on the phone, and then got more and more regular. To the point where we were talking quite a lot, was obviously attracted to each other, and just I dunno. We'd text all day, talk all evening, often until I fell asleep! ha We didn't do anything, ever, but I can see how it was beyond just a normal friendship.

He then admitted to me that he was married, but never wears a ring because he doesn't see himself as married or taken. But that it was a complicated situation, they were married, not together, should never have got married. I believed that. A few months later, after it carried on like that, his 'wife' contacted me, wanted to know exactly what was going on. Said they were together. I assured her nothing had happened, but she was telling me that an emotional affair for her is just as bad as a real one.

It turns out that they weren't still together. And that it was her being a jealous ex. But I think it's still maybe a way of explaining to me what the whole emotional affair is. But maybe it hasn't to you guys! I don't know. I don't even know why I'm telling you, it's embarrassing! lol

It made me think actually. I'd never really thought of the whole emotional affair thing. But actually, I can see why it's just as bad, if not worse.

 

[charley24]

I think everyone deserves a second chance.

 

[xtwinklex]

I would not forgive and definitly not forget any kind of cheating, its just the person I am! My ex cheated on me with a mutual friend and then my best mate when I was 16, we had been together 18 months, we had lost our virginity together & I thought I loved him (I've since found out what real love is with my husband!) the ex and my ex-best mate are now married and have a couple of kids, but I do know that he cheated on her too (not sure if she knows) so I guess the leopard/spots thing is true in his case!

My husband is my best friend, my lover, father of my kids and if he cheated then that would mean that being all the above means nothing to him, which is why I wouldn't forgive!

Emotional versus physical, well anything physical is defo a no no, kissing to me is a very intimate act and I only do it with my husband, I'd hate to think of him doing it with anyone else! If he got too close to another woman emotionally I would get too jealous so I would either have to be involved or it would have to stop if you see what I mean, we have mutual female friends and he hugs and kisses cheeks when we see them, in front of me, as I do with our mutual male friends, this is ok as it is not crossing the line. If he started to text or call them and deliberately keep it from me then I would get upset but luckily neither of us does that!!!

I don't believe in mindless drunken sex, when I'm drunk I still know what I'm doing, even when VERY drunk and much as I may be horny, I keep it all for my hubby

 

[quizzicalgrrl]

i could forgive a ****, but not an emotional affair. xx

 

[Jessica Rabbit72]

Hey Caroline - a very interesting one this one!!!

I suppose it depends on individuals and their past history.

I always said that I would NEVER tolerate cheating of any kind, and as a teen/ eary 20's I didnt, but now I have kids then it would depend on the circumstances.

Without being in the situation I really dont know but I think i would err on the side of I could forgive a drunken one off, but if HB did it again he would be out the door.

Luckily in one way my HB was cheated on by his ex - wife and was so so hurt , so in one way I think I am safe in the knowledge that he is 'unlikely' to cheat because of how he felt, but I think he is more concerned that I would.

I really upset him last week as my friend told me a story that a lad she works with said' if I was single I would want to know if she was married.'

Obviously I was flattered and considering he is 21 and Im 36 but would in no way do ANYTHING about it. She then told HB and he turned round and smiled (in a pride kind of way) and then said but you would never leave me and I said - dont be so sure........

I was only joking, but being with him for 13yrs I have no intention of leaving him, but periodically do feel taken for granted as everyone probably does in a long term relationship.

I then got a text the following morning saying that I really hurt him with that comment and his ego had taken a bashing.
I really had meant it as a joke, and I had totally forgotten about his ex as it was so long ago.

as regards to your question which is worse to me its emotional and if my HB was doing what that bloke was doing with you then I would be so so mad and wouldnt ever forgive him, but I just dont know whether I could put the kids through a divorce etc, so would probably live with it. as long as the contact stopped and he didnt do it again.

If he was having a proper affair emotional and physical then yes that would be the end.

Love Jess
xxx

 

[Caz]

I totally agree Jess, if he had been with his 'wife' and I'd been her, he'd have been out on his ear!! lol

I have a friend who is seeing a a guy, who is engaged, but is talking about leaving his fiancee for her. But my thinking is well if you get with a guy in that situation, then how can you ever totally trust them? I get that maybe he's in a situation where he's engaged but meets a girl and realises the person he's with isn't the one. That's not my issue with things like that. But if he was a decent guy, he'd leave her. Not mess them all around! I think I'd just always wonder if one day the same would happen again.

 

[kellyv81]

For me there really wouldn't be a 2nd chance!
I could never live with being the person who thinks to themselves all the time when the husband/boyfriend was late home Where have they been.
Or feeling like you want or need to check up on them.
I couldn't do it!!
I think the worst thing in the world is when a man says "it didn't mean anything" once caught out.....don't know about you lot but I think at least if they were in love with the other woman it wouldn't be as bad, but to throw all that away for someone who didn't mean anything to them makes it soooo bad.
I've never been cheated on so maybe it's different when it happens but as I am at this moment in time there really wouldn't be any 2nd chances!
My other half flirts with everyone and I'm cool with that as I love and trust him and never feel like I ever have to worry but once that trust is broken I don't see how you can truly come back from that!
x x

 

[catb1979]

My boyfriend cheated on me at the beginning of our relationship with his ex. He went back and forth between us for a good few months. Most of my friends at the time thought I was nuts to even entertain staying with him, but my feelings for him made me stay with him. I'm not making excuses for him, but she was completely bonkers and ended up stalking me by pretending to be a bloke and texting me telling me what they were up to. I ended up having to get the police involved as she would just turn up at his house and lie on the lawn screaming. He ended up suffering with depression and fell to pieces.

It took me many months to build up the trust with him and the only way we could move forward was for me to have to draw a line under it (I'm not as pathetic as I sound - honest!). This was very hard for me, but I'm glad I did. The person he was then compared to the person he is now, 3 years down the line are total opposites. It was never the physical side of him being with her that hurt me - it was the emotional that really stung. I trust him totally now as the guilt of what he did I know he lives with everyday. If anything, it's made him insecure about me, but that kind of karma is to be expected. I would honestly say that every situation is different. A few very good friends were there to listen to me and not pass judgement and that got me through it. Doubt I've helped at all, but life is never black and white and you have to do whatever you feel is right, so that the only regrets you have lie at your own door.