Blonde Logic
Yes. You can.
I am now two weeks post moms funeral. I'd like to say it has gotten easier, but sadly it has gotten harder. Being in California, somehow even though mom was gone - somehow, it felt comforting being there. Home.
Now, back here, it feels lonelier then ever. THere is nothing that feels right, right now, about living here. My heart is not here. Not only is it broken, but it's not even here - it's back home.
So, I feel like I am embarking on very difficult times. Times when bad choices could bring great comfort. BUt its not comfort really - it;s only masking pain. Take the comfort away - the pain will still be there.
So I have to try and face this head on. I know it is very early days, this greiving business...and I know it will be tough. But I can't undo all my hard work of the past two years. It is a scary position right now.
As you know, I decided not to complete my packs when I was in California, and the last two weeks I had too much to do just to try and get back into some semblence of a routine that I jst could not be bothered.
So today, today is the day. I am back on packs, and will now finish what I
(re)started.
For the first time, it feels difficult. Really difficult. Probably because now I am going to have to face and feel some very unpleasant things. But I know there is no getting away from it.
I just wish my life away - I keep wishing it were 5 years from now. By then I would be on my mountain, grief would be behind me, as behind one as it ever really gets. Again - no way that will happen. I just have to go through this. No matter how much I do not want to - I have to. <Sigh>
So, here we go. Give me strength....I am going to need it. It feels a very very fragile time in my life right now....I hope I have the strength and focus to do what I know I can - even while dancing along this very slippery slope.
Fingers crossed.
x
Now, back here, it feels lonelier then ever. THere is nothing that feels right, right now, about living here. My heart is not here. Not only is it broken, but it's not even here - it's back home.
So, I feel like I am embarking on very difficult times. Times when bad choices could bring great comfort. BUt its not comfort really - it;s only masking pain. Take the comfort away - the pain will still be there.
So I have to try and face this head on. I know it is very early days, this greiving business...and I know it will be tough. But I can't undo all my hard work of the past two years. It is a scary position right now.
As you know, I decided not to complete my packs when I was in California, and the last two weeks I had too much to do just to try and get back into some semblence of a routine that I jst could not be bothered.
So today, today is the day. I am back on packs, and will now finish what I
(re)started.
For the first time, it feels difficult. Really difficult. Probably because now I am going to have to face and feel some very unpleasant things. But I know there is no getting away from it.
I just wish my life away - I keep wishing it were 5 years from now. By then I would be on my mountain, grief would be behind me, as behind one as it ever really gets. Again - no way that will happen. I just have to go through this. No matter how much I do not want to - I have to. <Sigh>
So, here we go. Give me strength....I am going to need it. It feels a very very fragile time in my life right now....I hope I have the strength and focus to do what I know I can - even while dancing along this very slippery slope.
Fingers crossed.
x