OK - picking up where I left off...

Discussion in 'Lighter Life Forum' started by Blonde Logic, 3 July 2010 Social URL.

  1. Blonde Logic

    Blonde Logic Yes. You can.

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    I am now two weeks post moms funeral. I'd like to say it has gotten easier, but sadly it has gotten harder. Being in California, somehow even though mom was gone - somehow, it felt comforting being there. Home.

    Now, back here, it feels lonelier then ever. THere is nothing that feels right, right now, about living here. My heart is not here. Not only is it broken, but it's not even here - it's back home.

    So, I feel like I am embarking on very difficult times. Times when bad choices could bring great comfort. BUt its not comfort really - it;s only masking pain. Take the comfort away - the pain will still be there.

    So I have to try and face this head on. I know it is very early days, this greiving business...and I know it will be tough. But I can't undo all my hard work of the past two years. It is a scary position right now.

    As you know, I decided not to complete my packs when I was in California, and the last two weeks I had too much to do just to try and get back into some semblence of a routine that I jst could not be bothered.

    So today, today is the day. I am back on packs, and will now finish what I
    (re)started.

    For the first time, it feels difficult. Really difficult. Probably because now I am going to have to face and feel some very unpleasant things. But I know there is no getting away from it.

    I just wish my life away - I keep wishing it were 5 years from now. By then I would be on my mountain, grief would be behind me, as behind one as it ever really gets. Again - no way that will happen. I just have to go through this. No matter how much I do not want to - I have to. <Sigh>

    So, here we go. Give me strength....I am going to need it. It feels a very very fragile time in my life right now....I hope I have the strength and focus to do what I know I can - even while dancing along this very slippery slope.

    Fingers crossed.

    x
     
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  3. Preeti77

    Preeti77 Full Member

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    Rooting for you BL! We can do it :)
    My thoughts are with you at this difficult time
    <<<<<<<<<HUGS>>>>>>>>>
     
  4. IreneH

    IreneH Gold Member

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    I do know what you are feeling. My Mam died in December 2006 and it has taken until now for me to think of her and remember her without crying all the time. They do say time is a great healer and I now know it is true. You never get over it but you feel less raw each day.

    At first I kept picking up the phone and then remembering I can't ring and talk to her. Feeling lost because I couldn't go and visit her.

    I am thinking of you at this very painful time.

    And best of luck with the packs.

    Irene xx
     
  5. Blonde Logic

    Blonde Logic Yes. You can.

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    I have done that every single day - sometimes several times a day. :cry::cry:

    Its so hard to think she is not at the end of the phone anymore. In fact, soon, her phone number - which she has had for nearly 60 years - will be disconnected which feels so wrong.

    Just miss her constantly, and I still struggle so with what she endured in hospital. I know time will help - and I welcome that relief. It is so exhausting reliving the events day and night.

    Also finding it hard at work, where people expect me to bounce right back, and where they believe me when they ask how I am, and I say "fine thanks".

    Ugh. Its so awful, this part of life. Just awful. Words can;t describe it, and I am so sorry for anyone reading this who has experienced loss. And for those of yo that have not yet experienced it - I am so sorry that one day you too will have to go through it.

    It's awful. I see little girls and their mommy's - and I think - one day that little childs heart is going to break in two. :(

    Horrible. Hate this. Very very much.

    Thanks Irene. Thanks for all your support. I am sorry for the loss ofyour mom too.

    xxxx
     
  6. daisydoll

    daisydoll Gold Member

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    that just bought a tear to my eye what you wrote about seeing mums and their little girls..

    good luck withyour restart, just remember, you are so worth the struggle and there is no way you want to go back to your old weight.

    don't wish your life away, the years will fly past and you will soon be where you want to be

    daisy x
     
  7. Iwillgetthere

    Iwillgetthere Determined to succeed

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    Hi BL - so sorry for what you are going through at the minute. I'm not sure if it does get easier in time or if it is just that we learn to cope with it better over time.

    Although you probably feel like shutting yourself away from the world right now - everyone is here to help you get through this.

    Good luck huni :hug99:
     
  8. slendablenda

    slendablenda Gold Member

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    Hang on hun. You WILL get through this. You are one strong lady - your Mom would want you to keep your life going.
    I think of you every day and am aware of every moment I have contact with my mother how lucky I am. And I too see Mothers and their children like you do. I also see Mothers who are horrible or really impatient with their innocent little children and that upsets me too.
     
  9. kenshin112

    kenshin112 Gotta Make A Change

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    can't say much
    but (((((((((((HUGS))))))))))
    but best of luck with the restart hun
     
  10. flexiblefish

    flexiblefish Full Member

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    know the feeling my dad died 2005. I was 22 then. we were close (I even went off to uni locally so I could be near by and we spoke at least 5 times per week...which was really annoying when I wanted to be on the beer with my uni mates, but now I wish he would phone) we spoke everyday and it would have been his birthday last week.

    Sadly there is no way to shake it off.

    As my LLC said, what is eating yourself to join them going to do to make you feel better. She says to stay strong and live a good life.

    easier said than done.

    I massively ate after he died and I regret it today as I wouldnt be the size and having to go through LL.

    I miss him. I really do not know what to say.

    It took me until last year to delete his number from my mobile, I even kept calling his voice mail to here his voice say "sorry I cant answer your call please leave a message"...and I always did.

    over 5 years on, I still have only been to his grave once after the funeral . I just cant.

    Sorry to say BL, nothing helps in my eyes...you just have to place your love elsewhere. I did and my GF at the time is now my fiance and I poured everything in to her. God knows how she put up with me as I did eat and drink my way to forget.

    Anyway, Thats sadly what people die and leave everyone behind sad.

    One thing that is really silly that helps is listening to flaming lips - do you realise.

    good luck with it, and try and not be to down
     
  11. Morticia

    Morticia Happy in my own skin

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    BL, best of luck. I know you have the determination to do this. Take it one day at a time.
     
  12. Blonde Logic

    Blonde Logic Yes. You can.

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    THanks everyone. It's not going as easily or brilliantly as had hoped. lol I am finding it very hard to care. BUt I am trying. Days one or two done, but not 100%. About 90%. Not good enough. :( Hoping each day gets easier and I can find that zone. Keep on keeping on. Trying.

    SB - I may start coming back on Mondays for a bit. I might need it this time around. :(

    I'll get there. It is just not as easy as it has been. <sigh> :(
     
  13. slendablenda

    slendablenda Gold Member

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    Hi hun
    Sorry it's a struggle. I don't suppose it's your top priority right now. But good for you for not letting all that hard work slip away.
    LLC was asking after you tonight. I know you would be welcome back xxx
     
  14. Iwillgetthere

    Iwillgetthere Determined to succeed

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    BL it would may be a good thing for you to go back to class for a while. To be in around people may take your mind of things (If only even a little bit). You will do this. You are stronger than you think. Just get from one pack to the next. Dont be thinking too far ahead. One day at a time luv x
     
  15. Blonde Logic

    Blonde Logic Yes. You can.

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    :break_diet:

    Nope. It's no good. It's a non starter.

    I came off the packs yesterday. I realised, I was nowhere near the right headspace to start. I was picking every single day. So the packs were a waste.

    I am an all or nothing kind of gal, so I have to get off to a good start, or I will end up playing about with it all, and will end up just wasting the packs.

    So I made the decision to start again another day.

    but I made a promise to myself, that this is NOT Carte Blanche meaning I can go back to bad habits for comfort, etc., I need to try really hard to just eat normally and healthily, and get through this rough patch - and it has gotten very rough :( - and then I will be in a better frame of mind.

    I just can't do it. Not now. :break_diet:

    I have found it SO hard being back here, that the depression is pretty consuming. Its just not the right time.

    I have contacted a counselor. I am going to get help. And I will see how I am feeling in a week, or two. Whenever it is right.

    I now just have to be responsible and grown up.

    I'm sorry to let you down peeps.

    It's just too big. :cry:

    :break_diet::break_diet::break_diet::break_diet:

    :needhug:

    :sign0163:
     
  16. slendablenda

    slendablenda Gold Member

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  17. Blonde Logic

    Blonde Logic Yes. You can.

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    Thanks SB. :)

    I am feeling a bit brighter today - last night was a very rough night.

    We are about to list the home for sale, and it hit me hard. Everything has.

    I feel good about the decision to postpone my restart. I know me, and I know it was not the right time.

    Won;t be long though. Just want to get over another hurdle or two....and then crack on.

    Yep. Feeling a bit better today. phew.

    This is hard stuff. :(

    Thanks for your love and support, and I hope to see you soon to collect a hug in person!! :D
    xxx
     
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  19. Morticia

    Morticia Happy in my own skin

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    Good call BL. You've got to do one thing at a time, and take one day at a time at the moment.....:hug99:
     
  20. Iwillgetthere

    Iwillgetthere Determined to succeed

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    :fingerscrossed: Fingers cross things start to get a bit easier for you luv. Thinkin about you x
     
  21. Sean(JSF)

    Sean(JSF) Making it all add up

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    BL - so sorry to hear about your pain, but we all know you'll work through it and come out stronger (even if you can't see it at the moment).

    I think you've made the right decision about putting off packs TBH, refocus, there's no rush.
     
  22. peony

    peony Silver Member

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    Lost 10 stones on LL/Exante a couple of years ago, have regained several stone so giving WW a go.
    You will know when your head is back in the right space to do the LL thing again. And when it is, you will do it with your usual style, grace and panache.
    Thinking of you my lovely and sending you thoughts of love and strength.
    xxxxx
     
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