Ella Belle
Silver Member
Grrrr, I just wrote a big, difficult to write thread and my computer wiped it
It's important for me I think to 'say' this so I'm going to re-write..
...actually I can't be bothered, I started but it's just too long a story. Short version is..this evening an old scary voice came into my head telling me to hide food and secretly down it later. The thought was there before I knew it but in the next second I was aware of it and the image of this site came into my head. I was able to instantly say a very loud 'no' to myself and the thought went away. The fact that the 'voice' appeared terrifies me, it is a voice that I have battled with since childhood..though in fairness the voice has mostly won the battle fairly easily. It's the first time since starting LT that such a strong old habit reared it's head. What I'm very happy about was that I overcame it, something I was mentally not able to do a few months ago, I had really gotten to such a bad place with food that I didn't fight any urges at all. While doing LT I've been trying to think about all the habits, face them, and more importantly own up to them. That last one is the hard one. But here I am, I faced an ugly horrible old habit tonight (the secret compulsion to eat until I feel ill one) and it hit me strong but I won. It sounds stupid and I don't want to make light of other peoples addictions, but I am an addict and my problem is food. There are many reasons for this addiction but it is what I have. I have lived with it forever, well first negative habit memory was from when I was 9. Sometimes i can handle it, sometimes it doesn't affect me for months and I'm okay and 'normal' but other times, like the last year or so, it takes over completely, food is all I think about, the focus of my day, the focus of everything really. Anyway, it may sound stupid or melodramatic but it is so important for me to ''say' it. I can honestly say that tonight was such a huge step for me, I acknowledged the 'voice' but I didn't break.
Thank you to everyone on here just for being here. Without this site I know for a fact I would not have gotten this far with LT so really thank you to everyone. Okay, this didn't turn out to be much of a short version..sorry
It's important for me I think to 'say' this so I'm going to re-write..
...actually I can't be bothered, I started but it's just too long a story. Short version is..this evening an old scary voice came into my head telling me to hide food and secretly down it later. The thought was there before I knew it but in the next second I was aware of it and the image of this site came into my head. I was able to instantly say a very loud 'no' to myself and the thought went away. The fact that the 'voice' appeared terrifies me, it is a voice that I have battled with since childhood..though in fairness the voice has mostly won the battle fairly easily. It's the first time since starting LT that such a strong old habit reared it's head. What I'm very happy about was that I overcame it, something I was mentally not able to do a few months ago, I had really gotten to such a bad place with food that I didn't fight any urges at all. While doing LT I've been trying to think about all the habits, face them, and more importantly own up to them. That last one is the hard one. But here I am, I faced an ugly horrible old habit tonight (the secret compulsion to eat until I feel ill one) and it hit me strong but I won. It sounds stupid and I don't want to make light of other peoples addictions, but I am an addict and my problem is food. There are many reasons for this addiction but it is what I have. I have lived with it forever, well first negative habit memory was from when I was 9. Sometimes i can handle it, sometimes it doesn't affect me for months and I'm okay and 'normal' but other times, like the last year or so, it takes over completely, food is all I think about, the focus of my day, the focus of everything really. Anyway, it may sound stupid or melodramatic but it is so important for me to ''say' it. I can honestly say that tonight was such a huge step for me, I acknowledged the 'voice' but I didn't break.
Thank you to everyone on here just for being here. Without this site I know for a fact I would not have gotten this far with LT so really thank you to everyone. Okay, this didn't turn out to be much of a short version..sorry