La Follia
Full Member
Greetings all,
I've lurked around here before in the old days of Minimins. I have lost weight and gained weight many times now. My family life is complicated and stressful and my eating habits are partly a way of coping with this. They are also a reaction to strict rules at home and at school and a way of establishing my own identity in the face of parents who seemed to value to people very much on their appearance and BMI. My fatness has been a way of saying 'I reject your values'. Pretty pointless really as they are both dead and perhaps would not have been comfortable with a discussion about this anyway.
I've been working on my over eating and other issues for years now. When I feel positive enough about myself I can love my fatness, and thank it for saving me from alcoholism and cutting, or drug addiction. I knew that if I didn't over eat some other harmful habit would take its place.
A couple of weeks ago at counselling I mentioned a binge and said that I had been prowling the kitchen looking for the food items that would do me the most harm. She said it is like you are doing this to hurt yourself. This was a bit of a breakthrough for my counsellor who had previously continued to talk about food as a comfort even though I had told her many times that eating till I hurt is a way of blotting out feelings but no comfort. The next time we brought this up she actually used the word self harm and it was a light bulb moment. I'd been thinking that over eating had been protecting me from self harm and all sorts of harmful behaviours. I had not clearly and simply identified it as self harm in itself.
I think this understanding was a big trigger to me getting myself together again to address my eating and go back to SW. On the other hand, I may have entered the food restricting part of my binge / fast cycle.
Can any one else identify with this?
I've lurked around here before in the old days of Minimins. I have lost weight and gained weight many times now. My family life is complicated and stressful and my eating habits are partly a way of coping with this. They are also a reaction to strict rules at home and at school and a way of establishing my own identity in the face of parents who seemed to value to people very much on their appearance and BMI. My fatness has been a way of saying 'I reject your values'. Pretty pointless really as they are both dead and perhaps would not have been comfortable with a discussion about this anyway.
I've been working on my over eating and other issues for years now. When I feel positive enough about myself I can love my fatness, and thank it for saving me from alcoholism and cutting, or drug addiction. I knew that if I didn't over eat some other harmful habit would take its place.
A couple of weeks ago at counselling I mentioned a binge and said that I had been prowling the kitchen looking for the food items that would do me the most harm. She said it is like you are doing this to hurt yourself. This was a bit of a breakthrough for my counsellor who had previously continued to talk about food as a comfort even though I had told her many times that eating till I hurt is a way of blotting out feelings but no comfort. The next time we brought this up she actually used the word self harm and it was a light bulb moment. I'd been thinking that over eating had been protecting me from self harm and all sorts of harmful behaviours. I had not clearly and simply identified it as self harm in itself.
I think this understanding was a big trigger to me getting myself together again to address my eating and go back to SW. On the other hand, I may have entered the food restricting part of my binge / fast cycle.
Can any one else identify with this?