Over eating as self harm

[La Follia]

Greetings all,

I've lurked around here before in the old days of Minimins. I have lost weight and gained weight many times now. My family life is complicated and stressful and my eating habits are partly a way of coping with this. They are also a reaction to strict rules at home and at school and a way of establishing my own identity in the face of parents who seemed to value to people very much on their appearance and BMI. My fatness has been a way of saying 'I reject your values'. Pretty pointless really as they are both dead and perhaps would not have been comfortable with a discussion about this anyway.

I've been working on my over eating and other issues for years now. When I feel positive enough about myself I can love my fatness, and thank it for saving me from alcoholism and cutting, or drug addiction. I knew that if I didn't over eat some other harmful habit would take its place.

A couple of weeks ago at counselling I mentioned a binge and said that I had been prowling the kitchen looking for the food items that would do me the most harm. She said it is like you are doing this to hurt yourself. This was a bit of a breakthrough for my counsellor who had previously continued to talk about food as a comfort even though I had told her many times that eating till I hurt is a way of blotting out feelings but no comfort. The next time we brought this up she actually used the word self harm and it was a light bulb moment. I'd been thinking that over eating had been protecting me from self harm and all sorts of harmful behaviours. I had not clearly and simply identified it as self harm in itself.

I think this understanding was a big trigger to me getting myself together again to address my eating and go back to SW. On the other hand, I may have entered the food restricting part of my binge / fast cycle.

Can any one else identify with this?

 

[Minerva]

Definitely. It took me a very long time to realise that food was not my friend. It shouldn't be viewed as a comforter in times of need. I too have "self-harmed" by eating too much because I couldn't bear to reach out in times of need. I didn't want to seem weak so I didn't let other people see.

Unfortunately I've self-harmed in many ways, but food as you yourself have said - seemed like a... way to avoid the worst of them. I've gone through severe food restriction phases which ended up in horrific bingeing behaviour. It took so long to overcome and see the problem. It took so long to realise I had to find respect for myself, to realise I had to accept me as I was, to LIKE who I was. I can't say with every confidence that I do completely like myself now, but I have understanding now that eating to the point of pain, or restricting to the point of starvation/ or purging - isn't the right way to deal with the issues I have.

I've had to find positive ways to occupy myself instead. When I feel the need to self-sabotage now... I do something else. I listen to some music, I draw, or read, or even just mindlessly click through youtube videos. I don't deny the bad feelings though, because avoidance isn't the right way to go about it. I try to find out why I feel it and embrace it. Running away only makes those emotions worse. I listen to sad and angry songs if I feel that way. I draw something horrific to get it OUT. Food isn't the answer. Any self-harm activity, only perpetuates whatever is wrong and makes it more complicated... So simplify. Break it down into small chunks and see if there is any way to deal with those small sections one by one. That way, no matter how big a problem, by the end it won't seem so overwhelming.

Thank you for sharing and I hope you are getting on well with SW.

x

 

[La Follia]

Thank you for responding, Minerva. I'm feeling a lot more 'normal' around food and stronger generally now and I put a lot of it down to engaging with the counselling process. At the moment, I do feel that my boundaries are stronger. My son is a troubled teen on the autistic spectrum an worrying about him drove me to despair, plus my husband's ill health, the recent death of my mother and my brother falling apart ... just the recent issues ... However, over the last few days my son has hit new lows again and has been cutting himself. Despite that I've had nothing more than a mild extra interest in food that I have been able to ignore.

For me, the answer is to regularly do activities that I enjoy, that make me feel good and bolster my sense of well being. I'm still not able to do enough, but am making progress in that direction. Good heavens, I've even coped with having a small gain on my second WI and just got on with staying on plan more diligently.

Wishing you well on your own weight loss journey, and all the other issues in your life.

 

[Minerva]

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a tough time... it sounds like it's too much all at once. It sort of puts all this ... food stuff in it's own somewhat insignificant perspective, doesn't it? Yes it's a crutch but at the same time worrying over it pales in comparison to actual LIFE stuff.
Put yourself first, remember to carve a bit of the day out just for you to have some mindspace. While I can feel that it might sound hard with you feeling like everyone needs support, but you do need to do it for you, or you will also break down. You're not alone.

PM me if you want to talk to someone, I'm always around. I know I'm a stranger, but sometimes talking to a stranger can help.

x

 

[La Follia]

Oh, that's really sweet of you. The reason food works though is because it *is* so *trivial* compared to everything else. When I have eaten so much it hurts that is all I can think about so I'm not worrying about the really bad stuff. Focusing on feeling fat is also easier than focusing on despair about other things. It's safe and comfortable and a distraction.

You said you've done other sorts of self harm. If you don't mind sharing, do you know how cutting helps a person, why it is done? I've read loads but it would be good to hear from someone who is a bit more real than an anonymous blogger. My son can't explain. He is getting better at it, but cannot always explain or understand his feelings. Well, we all can have difficulties there of course, he is not unique.

You are right about personal space, I am very careful to get that. I've been at rock bottom and have climbed up again and know how to take care of myself. Hence being able to focus on my own health and weight issues again. Do you take enough to nourish yourself emotionally? It does sound like you too have been in a very dark place.

 

[Minerva]

That first sentence really resonated with me... A few years ago I had too many things come crashing down all at once, more than I could handle, overeating became a way to survive somehow. It was a weird one as it only added to the problem (4-5 st gain within the space of 5 months -.- ), but it gave me space to *not* think about anything at all. It was just food and silence, everything, the whole world just faded away for a bit. You are right about it being trivial, but that's what's good about it.

As for self harm... it's not something I really talk about much openly. I started when I was 13 and it continued on for a long, long time. How old is your son? How recent is it? Is it something he shows openly or hides as much as possible? I was a hider, my parents may have suspected at times, but they didn't really find out until I was much older. If a person shows it, or takes less care in hiding it means that somewhere they are crying out for help. Maybe not always consciously. But it's a way to show they are hurting, it's an act of rebellion to an extent (like a massive "F*** you" to the world). It's a thing someone does who no longer knows how to express how they feel inside.
Teenagers will feel and perceive things differently to a person over 21. It's a fact. You do have the added problem of autism, and I don't know how severe it is on the scale, but it does complicate things.

If anything, I do remember that, when anyone in my life asked me to stop, threatened me if I did it again, pleaded with me crying to never do it again - it made me want to do it all the more. It makes the 'activity' something forbidden. And the fact that it was my own, it was for and about only me (in my head at the time) how dare they say I can't? I found that when people looked over the observable and actually ignored the physical symptom and asked me what was wrong - eventually - I found the words. I'd run away from the question the first few times, it took persistence and knowing that the person will come back and ask again to know that they ACTUALLY care. Self-harm is, after all a way to say something that is indescribable, a lot of the time I didn't have the words for *why*, all I could feel was this CHAOS in my head and heart with no start or finish. It's a way to get something OUT. Just watching the red flowing down is cathartic - it's much like bingeing, the feelings disappear for a moment... because all there is, is the sting and the blood and silence. It's an escape just like any other.

It can also be about control... When everything seems to be falling apart that is the one thing a person has control over, they are able to make themselves do it. It takes a lot of strength and willpower to do the deed, it's weird to say, but you feel like you have power over *something*. On the flip-side it can also be a form of punishment, for any reason. For being different, for not being able to adjust, for not coping, for being anything other than what they perceive they "should" be... and that's a very common teenager point, coming to terms with being the way they are, because comparing ourselves to others and being 'normal' is so very important at that age. On that point, I knew I was always different to my peers, so I just went down the way-side and became the only metaller-goth in my school, but, I can't say it made it any easier...!
The last reason I can think of is that it's a form of disassociation. You disassociate from yourself when you do it. OR it's a way to ground yourself when you feel so lost in your emotions that you begin to feel unreal. It's a strange thing to say, but there have been times when I'd become so overwhelmed with how I felt that I just didn't feel like myself any more. I was an actor and viewing everything from a distance. The actions of SH reminded me I was still alive somehow.

If anything, what I know did help me is when people didn't make a big thing out of it. Because it's a side-effect of a much bigger problem. I found that when people were less focused on the actual cutting itself, it made it feel less significant and it faded away on its own. I don't know the extent of his behaviour, but at the end of the day, it is not life threatening. I know it's distressing to see, and it's definitely something that is serious. But, generally, I know this is a weird thing to say, but it's sometimes better to let it run its course while the deeper issue is resolved. Cutting is an addiction in its own way and taking it away can make things worse. At least in my experience.

As a parent you may have a tough road ahead with your son. A child will feel less likely to discuss this stuff with you because they will feel like they've failed you. I don't know if a counsellor is an option, but maybe he has some peers that he can talk to also.

I'm sorry for the wall of text, I hope it made sense as I started writing it within 10 minutes of waking up. I hope I managed to answer your question to some extent.

x

 

[La Follia]

Thank you for your openness. Will respond later, really appreciated. XXX

 

[Birchey]

Thankyou, I feel so less alone.

I've overcame physical self harm and what you would usually class as self harm; cutting,overdosing a short period of binging then purging, I was very unwell for about 6 years spending long time in A&E depts physically treated then sent home. Currently I'm ''Stable'' what ever that means but feel so scared that any day i'll relapse and that will be the end of everything good I've got. Determination to be well is what has helped me get to this stage as well as medication :I really want to stop my medication as it's making me gain so much weight: Queitiapine and Mirtazapine but trying to remind myself of how unwell I was July last year when my psych meds had been stopped for medical reasons, Feeling like i'll never lose weight because of them

Food was seen as the lesser of the evils. Now it's what i'm left with.. Sometimes I still want to cut/overdose but I am able to control that urge now or at least I think I can but the overeating is still a massive problem (I've been binging/secretly eating since I was 8 years old, I'm now 26!) but not one that I've been able to find someone to address with. I have CBT but finding it so hard to talk and come out of sessions feeling worse than before, Need someone that I can discuss the food issues with, Have a session tomorrow so going to bring it up.

 

[La Follia]

Hi Minerva, thanks again for sharing that. It was helpful, and I am trying to change the way I react to my son's cutting himself. I can comment on his cuts fairly easily, and understand it is a symptom of his distress. Not the most important issue. But I have a silly squeemishness about nails and when he has pulled toenails out, or bitten his finger nails down almost to the beds and find it hard to help him with plasters in a calm way. I will try harder - acknowledge my distress to myself and be calm around him. He has at last been willing to engage with a counsellor. That is a major triumph.

Sending you ... hugs seems a trite internet convention ... my genuine concern for your own issues that have brought you here and wish you well for your journey to health.

 

[La Follia]

Hi Birchey. Thanks for joining in. Sorry, life got worrying again and I binged and avoided coming here as I felt such a failure. It sounds like you have come a long long way but perhaps the eating issues were overlooked when you were getting help for the rest of it? How is the CBT going now? I tried CBT specifically for over eating but was too ashamed to keep a food diary until I moved into the fasting part of the cycle so it didn't work at all.

 

[CoffeeChick]

Hi All,

Just a quick note to say that I can relate to a lot of this. I'm currently being assessed for CBT to help with my emotional eating and binge eating disorder. Food is such a nightmare but essential for life.

CC