Phoenyx is finding her mojo...

[Phoenyx]

I have decided to do a vcld with the aim of losing 4 stone by the end of July (so will need to lose roughly a stone a month. I have contacted my lighter life counsellor, and she says as soon as I have the medical form signed I can start. In the meantime, I've got some slim and save packs from a friend and I'm going to start tomorrow. I know I could wait for a week or so until my lighter life stuff is all in place, but I'm a teacher so break up for the Easter hols on Friday, and I'd rather get a couple of the worst days out of the way whilst I'm busy at work. Also, every extra day it's taking I'm using as a day to stuff myself silly, and I don't want another whole week of that.

So I've got my starting packs and my water bottle, I've set up a diary on here to keep me on track, and I'm feeling positive. And determined. I know it's going to be hard, particularly at first, but I need to think if all the things I can't, won't or don't do at my current weight.

Wish me luck, everyone, and I'll be back tomorrow to report progress...

 

[Phoenyx]

Day 1

Weigh in: 14 stone, 2.5 lbs. 0.5 lbs more than after id had my second child. Shocking! But 8.5 lbs less than january this year. Will measure this evening.

I'm going to have a problem timing my packs on work mornings. I leave for work at 8am, too early for my first pack, but am not able to have another one until 11am which is, at the moment, too late for me, so I'm going to split a pack, which makes for half a pack at 7.45am, half at 11am, one at 1pm, one at about 4.30pm and one at 8pm. Then lots of early nights whilst I'm starting out.

Today so far I've had
7.45 am half a muesli bar (disgusting!) black coffee
11am half a muesli bar, black coffee
1pm veg soup (ok, and easy to sort out at work)
6pm caffe latte shake (nice, and worked well without a blender, just shaken in a bottle)

And I plan to have a shepherds pie pack in an hour. Have had 2.5 litres of water, am aiming for 3.5 before I go to bed.

It hasn't been hard today, which is great! And surprising! Why aren't I hungry? V strange!!

I know lighter life doesn't let you have bars but slim and save info doesnt say you cant as long as you only have one a day, so I'm going to try as its so convenient when I'm working (which is only today and tomorrow) then off for e next two weeks and I'll cut them out for a few days to make sure I get into ketosis.

I phoned the doctor today about my first appointment, and there are no appointments for three weeks! I was gutted! But then phones the local drop in health clinic who said I need to pay an administration fee but they could see me whenever I like! So I'm going on Monday and hope to go to my first meeting on Tuesday.

I just have such a strong feeling that this is my time. I know it will be hard, I'm very bad at resisting my impulses, and very good, when on a diet, at talking myself out of the diet. But this time I've got a feeling that I'm going to see it through to my goal weight. Fingers crossed!

 

[Spanglymum]

Best of luck, phoenyx! Keep posting (and drinking the water)! I leave for work at 6:30am and have my first pack before I go, the next one at 11:30/12, one at about 3:30 and then one when I get home at 7pm. Works for me. Your plan sounds good though. We just have to do what suits us best!

 

[Phoenyx]

Now that's interesting spangly mum, I was assuming I wouldnt manage a pack so early because someone wrote on the forum than your makes evenings tricky if you do. But maybe I'll give it a go.

Now, I posted this on the refocus forum but I want to keep a full diary here so I can look back at what I've learned on my journey. So here it is again...

My mum was forever on and off diets. She told me that my dad had left her because she was too fat (it was more complex than that but I ws too young to appreciate that). My dad always commented on my weight (once I was wearing a baggy jumper he play-punched me in the belly "to see how fat I was getting"). He was forever commenting on how much like my mum I was, and from all of this i took a very strong message that I had to be thin to be loved, and for my parents to be proud of me, and that food was a reward for those who deserve it. I've been binging and dieting since I was ten. This is partly why I won't comment on my kids weights or tell them I'm going on a diet. They're 6 and 7 so don't really notice that stuff anyway. The do see me exercising and they know mummy needs to do that to stay strong.

Anyway, I jumped off the wagon yesterday. All the voices in my head, you know, "nobody knows you've started this yet", "ex has the kids, you need a break, you deserve to lie in bed eating". Sometimes I feel I'm not getting a proper reward or rest without food treats.

Anyway I'm back on the wagon today, and v glad ive made the decision to join my LL group on Tues. I have issues to work through (duh!) and I need some accountability.

Sorry about the waffle - i didnt know i had all that in me! Hope everyone's ok!

 

[Phoenyx]

The more I think about it, the more I realise just how much pressure (much of it infered rather than spoken out loud) there was to be slim, and how much I associate being loved and successful with being thin. So why aren't I thin? And what does it mean? Am I trying to protect myself? Hide myself? Be a failure? All of the above? None of the above but used to be them and now have some horrible habits? So confusing....

 

[Phoenyx]

Revelations coming thick and fast today...! Am in a Waitrose cafe and forgot to bring my first pack. So I was thinking sod it, I'll start tomorrow. I'll have today as a treat day, ie sit on sofa, eat junk, watch tv, skip my chores and basically disengage from life. And then - lightbulb moment - I realised that that is exactly why I'm fat. It may not be why I started on this path but it's why I'm here at the moment. I'm using food to create me time and space, basically to disengage from life. My life isn't the easiest - don't get me wrong, other people have it much worse, but I'm struggling to keep up and feel constantly that I'm not. I'm a single mum of two early primary aged kids, I teach full time which means I work more than full time during term time. I'm also still completing my qualifications which means I have to study as well. struggling to keep on top of life, I'm running up debt, my house is a tip, I'm always behind on work or study, and I feel like a failure. Other people seem to manage to do so much more than me, and I'm feeling the need I disengage with life at weekends or holidays, either by tuning out and watching endless tv or stuffing myself, or more often than not, both. This isn't good for me and isn't good for my kids. And I justify the continuation of this with the "I deserve " line...

I'm shocked! This is the first time I've confessed this to myself, let alone on a forum. It's the first time this truly feels like an addiction, because that's what alcoholics etc do - block it out with food.

Wow! Off to go and get my first pack, I'm well and truly on board now!

 

[Phoenyx]

And another realisation - I'm on a roll today! I quit stuff when I'm frightened of failing and being seen to fail. I know this is very common and I see it a lot in the kids I teach, but I never associated my actions to it. I've given up on so many diets before after a slip up, and now I see that i'd rather quit than fail. When I was close to finishing my teacher training, I decided to switch subjects - I didn't in the end but it was because I was panicking near the end of the course tha I might not be able to do the job, better to quit than to fail. Loads of other incidents spring to mind too.

Now all I've got to do is truly believe that I can succeed at this and that there's no reason to fear failure.

 

[nzmegs]

Phoenyx, what a great diary - it is so nice when people really open up. it is what LL is all about - coming to terms with what got us fat in the first place. Fear of failure was my reason for giving up in the past too. I felt like there was no point in starting something which i knew i would never finish. In fact it was one of my Dad's sayings as we grew up "don't start something unless you are going to see it through until the end". But LL has been the one (and only) diet I have done where I got all the way to the end. I still have maintenance to go, but I now know that finishing something isn't a problem. I am capable of that.
One of the things I learnt in LL counselling was to recognise the things in my life i had done which I was proud of and which I finished to a high standard. I got a degree, I brought up two lovely kids, I am still married after 14 years. All of these things are great achievements. For you, it might be getting your teaching qualifications, getting a good job, leaving an unhappy marriage and surviving and bringing up two kids on your own. If you can do these things you can deal with a little thing like eating the right food.
I also did a week of another VLCD before I started at LL and it helped. I was already in ketosis. But bear in mind your first weeks weight loss will be less than other people as you will have already lost the water weight.
In terms of your time and motivation - this will get better and better as the weight comes off. I used to feel so sluggish and now i am desperate to get out the door each day for a my long walk. I can do hours of housework and not feel tired and mentally I am sharper and able to write for longer periods of time. As your mental and physical fatigue lifts - you will feel like you have tooo much time in your day rather than not enough. Besides - lots of your time right now is probably taken up with eating and relaxing...

Good luck and keep up the diary. it is great to read it!

 

[Spanglymum]

Can I say I totally relate to your 'other people seem to do so much more than me' comment and about disengaging at the weekend. I constantly compare myself and find myself wanting. Sounds like you have a lot to deal with, and handle it really well. You need to give yourself a break. Who says you have to do x y z? Do you know who's voice it is, when you hear the criticism/judgement in your head? For what it's worth, I've also got into some debt (a shocking amount, actually) too... First time in years, and all because of the 'I deserve' mentality (as well as hubby retiring rather suddenly on ill health grounds last year, leaving me the sole breadwinner, which i sometimes resent - even though I've always earned more than him). Am getting myself together again, but it's been a very weird year for me. You are totally not alone!!

 

[Phoenyx]

Reading your messages made me want to cry. I truly thought I was the only one who did that and that everyone else is coping so much better than I am. I'm the sort of person who loves to hear about other peoples untidy houses because then i know I'm not the only one. I know it sounds silly! But I'm so grateful for you taking the time to read and reply.

To be honest I haven't been back to my diary because I was embarrassed about my confessions, I'll resume it now, so thank you.

 

[Phoenyx]

Whose voice in my head - hmm, I don't know. My dad is amazing but also very judgemental. He has very high standards and is hugely successful and places a high emphasis on weight (he won't invite me to things but will invite my thinner brothers, and I get the feeling that I'm a bit of a failure in his eyes. Hed never admit it, and i know he still loves me, but I know I'm not the daughter he would choose)

That said, I don't think its his voice. I think it's mine - is that bizarre?

 

[Phoenyx]

So the first two days have been very difficult - more difficult than I expected. I didn't remember it being this hard last time, although so far today, the voices in my head urging me to give up are slightly quieter (probably overpowered by the fact that I'd have to go through another 2 or 3 days like the last couple and I'm not sure I could).

Day one - not too bad (but this was my third day one!!! I caved on the previous 2 days). I think it's easier to cave on day one, because nobody knew I'd started, so I could put it off till tomorrow (which as we all know, never comes), and I hadn't made much progress, so not much to lose .

I highly recommend, if you're struggling to get through day 1, that you tell someone or get weighed in by someone. I've recruited a friend who I have to txt every day with my progress. Shes skinny and not doing the diet too which is good, because in the past, I've done a diet with someone, and thrown in the towel with them too - it wasnt pretty!

Day 1 at bedtime I was starving, but went to bed v early. I drank 3.5 litres of water, a couple of cups of coffee and had 4 packs.

Day 2 I was hungry and obsessed with food all day. It was horrible. Was fending off excuses to give up all day. It really helped that I got on the scales and discovered I'd lost 5lbs in just one day.
In the evening after my pack I was starving and upset, and reading minimins diaries to motivate me. These were mainly slim and save diaries, because that boards more active than LL, and theyre the packs I'm using until I see LL counsellor tonight. Anyway, unlike the total abstinence ordered by LL, a lot of members there eat protein if they're hungry, as long as they stay below 60g carbs and 800 cal. So I had 2 slices wafer thin ham and 4 slices salami. And a mug of bouillon. I would have preferred less processed meat, but that's all I had in the fridge.

I stayed within cals & carbs, felt soooo much better and this morning I have been able to bake cookies with my kids and resist. Going to stick just to packs today but it's so nice to have the option. And much much better than just quitting.

So yesterday I had 4 packs, 2 slices wafer thin ham, 4 slices salami, a variety of LL friendly hot drinks and 3.5 litres water. I also jumped on the scales again and am 7lbs down.

 

[nzmegs]

Hopefully the weight loss will spur you on. I know it is hard - but try your very best to stick to the plan 100%. Don't listen to what other people say about what they think is OK to have. Knowing you have been 100% will make you even more proud of yourself and the hungry feelings will go in another day or so.

Please don't feel bad about what you write (take a look at my diary to see what the term confessions mean!) The fact is we don't know you personally and we are all in the same boat - or we have already been there. Anything you are going through right now is not just something you personally deal with. We all deal with it - but we are all too scared to say. That is what LL is all about. being in an environment where confessions are not just OK they are encouraged.

For me, the simple act of writing something down has been a way of working through my feelings about something. I don't mind so much if people read it or not as it really helps me to clarify my feelings.

I totally agree that getting someone else on board is a great idea. For me it was my family and in particular my husband. he can be a hard task0master and would not let me go off plan. if I did I would really let him down and that would be devastating for me. he was very sceptical about my ability to stick to a diet as he had seen me yo yo for years. but as time went on he became more and more proud. Hopefully your dad will start to notice soon and will also be proud (although I am sure he is already - Dad's just are not great at showing these things - mine is the same).

Are your kids old enough to understand what you are doing? My kids have been really good - they question what I am allowed, help me to shop and just keep me on my toes. Having them around me during the day (in the hols) is enough to keep me sticking to things the way I should.

Anyway - you seem to be really getting into the swing of things. Once you are able to start your LL sessions things will move much more quickly and you will feel so much better. In the meantime keep coming back here for support. I read these forums often. So if you want advice I am always around.

 

[Phoenyx]

Thanks for all the info - v useful! No, mine are 6 and 7 so a tad too young to understand. I'm also reluctant to discuss it with them because I remember my mum being on diet after diet without success when I was younger. I sit down and eat the soups etc with them during their teatime and so far they haven't asked. They're probably used to seeing me eat different foods to them.

I totally take your point about abstinence and I have to confess that today I'm having a chicken breast 100g and my packs. This is a conscious decision because my 1st lighter life meeting is tonight and I plan to abstain thereafter until I reach goal - scary thought!

It's lovely to hear other people's experiences - I've been reading diaries copiously over the last three days!!!

On another diary note, I have spent four hours cleaning the house from top to bottom today. I'm a true believer that the state of your house is a reflection of the state of your mind (or vice versa), so I'm feeling much better now! I have so little time term time, and so little energy at weekends, it's so good to get it sorted in the hols (not fun whilst I'm doing it, mind!)

 

[Clarabow]

Oh gosh .. if the state of your house is like the state of your mind I am really in trouble lol

Little too much of the disengagement behaviour of watching copious amounts of television, though thankfully weaning off the eating and drinking that would normally have gone with it. Can relate to a great deal of what you said.

Just a thought with your dad, would it be he was inviting your brothers because they are men rather than because you are fat? Is that something that you have internalised which may not hold the (excuse the pun) weight that it once did?

Anyway hope your day goes well and that the lighter life group is all you would hope it to be x