PinkCupcakes
Member
Monday 29th November 2010
Dear Diary,
Here I go again.
Back on the diet that I can never seem to finish – by finish, I mean get to my goal weight and move up the plans nicely so I don’t pile it all back on. I’m not sure if I feel totally ready for the diet, but I’m going to give it my best shot. I’m going to try the hardest that I ever have done and keep going until the very end.
It’s just going to be difficult what with the Christmas period coming up – I’m going to Bristol (oh joy), where my Nan is a serial feeder and possibly a bully. I won’t eat like a horse – I refuse to. I’m just going to eat as little as possible and make good choices, i.e. no pudding, little potatoes and stick to diet drinks or water.
This week will be a test already. I have to travel to Birmingham for work where we all get a bit tipsy and go out for dinner the night before. By then, I will be on Day 3 so hopefully shouldn’t be feeling hungry, but what is my excuse for not eating and only drinking water? I’ll have to think of something. I’m seeing my CDC today at lunch time so I will ask her for some advice.
I’m also staying with my dad and his girlfriend this weekend where it’s all about the nibbles and booze! I’ve managed to just have shakes and water before there, so I should be ok. I’ve done it before, I can do it again! I just have to stay focused.
I haven’t weighed yet – am going to wait until 12:30. I believe I’m in the 11 stone 5lbs region (s***), so I can let you know the damage shortly. I want to get down to 9 stone, so I have approx 2 stone and 5lbs to lose. Again, I’ve done 2 and a half stone before – I can do it again. Easy peasy…
My incentive – I have my sister’s wedding to go to next July onboard a cruise around the Med, not only that, my sister and some other girls are teeny tiny and I just cannot go on that cruise looking like a whale next to gorgeous women all beautiful in their bikinis. I know it’s vain and stupid in comparison to more important issues going on in the world, but this means something (no matter how insignificant and selfish) to me and this is something that is important for me to do. The way I feel about myself – I wouldn’t even piss on me if I was on fire.
I really need to change my ways. Not just in food/weight, just in general. I have no self control. As soon as I get money I spend it and now only a few days after pay day, I’m seriously struggling.
I really don’t want to go into 2011 being the same girl as I am today. Things need to change or I’m always going to dislike myself, and I’m always going to be stressing/struggling – whether it’s weight, money or something else. I’m 21 next May – an adult by number. I need to have the self-control and willpower that I should have – I need to be responsible, with myself and with my money. I don’t want to end up in my 30’s fat, miserable and skint with nothing to show for myself.
I want to be a role model – I don’t want my future children growing up with the same issues that I have with myself. I want them to feel happy with themselves and work hard for what they want in life. I don’t want them to be lazy and irresponsible like me. I need to work really hard over the next however long it takes – not just the outside parts, but it’s mainly the inside. My head is all over the place and I’m gradually turning into an emotional mess which most of the time feels out of control.
I suppose I’ve survived literally through the hell that has been the last 10 years, but not emotionally. I describe myself sometimes as feeling broken – unfixable. I had a very happy childhood – a lovely, stable family of 5, lived in a nice 3 bedroom house and the best parents a girl could ask for. It all started really when I got to about 12 years old. I was a shy girl, which made me an easy target. I developed quite early on, not just boobs or starting periods but my hips and waist took shape around that age. This made me look different amongst my other friends who were still very much straight up and down and would be for a few years yet. I didn’t understand any of it at the time – even though I was a size 8 and didn’t weigh an awful lot, I was bullied by both boys and girls for being fat and ugly. This was heartbreaking, confusing and awful. My family would tell me “you’re beautiful and definitely not fat!” but how could I believe them when I was being told every day that I was disgusting? I lost a lot of trust in everyone around me - I felt suicidal at one stage. I used to stand by the side of the road and try and work out which car is going the fastest so I could step out in front of it – I didn’t.
I eventually had to move schools where I was a lot happier. I regained the confidence that I had lost and took part in drama/dance – something I was really passionate about. I would have never done anything like that at my previous school. For the first time in my life, I felt accepted. I was happy. It wasn’t looked down upon or “geeky” to get on with school work and do well. I could finally apply myself, without being called names.
At 14, my Nan and my auntie were diagnosed with cancer. Both died when I was 15 years old, and 2 months before I was due to sit my GCSE’s. I very much struggled to cope with these losses – I still do. My auntie especially – she was 56 when she died and very much the life and soul of our family. She was the rock that held us all together. My school work suffered massively – I was predicted B’s and C’s for all subjects, but ended up with mostly D’s and E’s. I didn’t feel like my teachers understood what I was going through, and certainly didn’t get the support I deserved. I remember once getting shouted at because I couldn’t concentrate during an “important” lesson. I did however manage, get enough to get into college – even though this experience was very short lived. A few days before I was due to start college, whilst walking to my job at a local coffee shop at midday, I was attacked by a man. It could have been a lot worse – and this is what I tell myself. He attacked me with the intention of rape but luckily for me, he didn’t have the bottle. I came out with a bruised eye and a few cuts. My memory of this is more blurred than the rest – this must be my mind’s way of coping with it. What concerns me more, is that is happened too quickly for me to get a real good look at him – to this day, I don’t know what he looks like.
It didn’t affect me until after the first year when it finally hit me what had happened. As time goes on, I get more and more scared of things. Horror films that I used to love I can no longer watch, I panic if anyone is walking behind me – particularly if it’s a fast pace and I don’t really like being on my own anywhere. If I’m walking alone, I’m convinced every man is going to harm me. Even though my memory of the actual event is getting more and more blurred, the after effects are getting worse. I don’t want to feel like a scared little girl anymore.
I’m very emotional now. If I get something even slightly wrong at work, or at home I’m very tough on myself. I made a couple of errors at work recently on a big project – all my boss said to me was “It’s a really good finished piece but just take some time out and just try and be a bit more thorough for the next one” – I took this awfully and burst into tears! I wish I wouldn’t cry at the smallest thing. I realise my skin needs to be thicker – I just don’t know how to change that, but I’m ready to try.
I don’t want to hold the past on my shoulders as it’s really weighing me down – it’s ruining things that I should be enjoying. I’m young and happily engaged – I shouldn’t be dwelling on the s*** that has happened and just enjoy myself. I feel ready to take the first step into changing my life.
I suppose this diary is more for me than anyone else. I want to one day be able to write a happy ending. To not only prove those wrong who have doubted me, to prove myself wrong.
Thank you for reading, sorry if I’ve bored you with my essay of a post!
PinkCupcakes xxxxx
Dear Diary,
Here I go again.
Back on the diet that I can never seem to finish – by finish, I mean get to my goal weight and move up the plans nicely so I don’t pile it all back on. I’m not sure if I feel totally ready for the diet, but I’m going to give it my best shot. I’m going to try the hardest that I ever have done and keep going until the very end.
It’s just going to be difficult what with the Christmas period coming up – I’m going to Bristol (oh joy), where my Nan is a serial feeder and possibly a bully. I won’t eat like a horse – I refuse to. I’m just going to eat as little as possible and make good choices, i.e. no pudding, little potatoes and stick to diet drinks or water.
This week will be a test already. I have to travel to Birmingham for work where we all get a bit tipsy and go out for dinner the night before. By then, I will be on Day 3 so hopefully shouldn’t be feeling hungry, but what is my excuse for not eating and only drinking water? I’ll have to think of something. I’m seeing my CDC today at lunch time so I will ask her for some advice.
I’m also staying with my dad and his girlfriend this weekend where it’s all about the nibbles and booze! I’ve managed to just have shakes and water before there, so I should be ok. I’ve done it before, I can do it again! I just have to stay focused.
I haven’t weighed yet – am going to wait until 12:30. I believe I’m in the 11 stone 5lbs region (s***), so I can let you know the damage shortly. I want to get down to 9 stone, so I have approx 2 stone and 5lbs to lose. Again, I’ve done 2 and a half stone before – I can do it again. Easy peasy…
My incentive – I have my sister’s wedding to go to next July onboard a cruise around the Med, not only that, my sister and some other girls are teeny tiny and I just cannot go on that cruise looking like a whale next to gorgeous women all beautiful in their bikinis. I know it’s vain and stupid in comparison to more important issues going on in the world, but this means something (no matter how insignificant and selfish) to me and this is something that is important for me to do. The way I feel about myself – I wouldn’t even piss on me if I was on fire.
I really need to change my ways. Not just in food/weight, just in general. I have no self control. As soon as I get money I spend it and now only a few days after pay day, I’m seriously struggling.
I really don’t want to go into 2011 being the same girl as I am today. Things need to change or I’m always going to dislike myself, and I’m always going to be stressing/struggling – whether it’s weight, money or something else. I’m 21 next May – an adult by number. I need to have the self-control and willpower that I should have – I need to be responsible, with myself and with my money. I don’t want to end up in my 30’s fat, miserable and skint with nothing to show for myself.
I want to be a role model – I don’t want my future children growing up with the same issues that I have with myself. I want them to feel happy with themselves and work hard for what they want in life. I don’t want them to be lazy and irresponsible like me. I need to work really hard over the next however long it takes – not just the outside parts, but it’s mainly the inside. My head is all over the place and I’m gradually turning into an emotional mess which most of the time feels out of control.
I suppose I’ve survived literally through the hell that has been the last 10 years, but not emotionally. I describe myself sometimes as feeling broken – unfixable. I had a very happy childhood – a lovely, stable family of 5, lived in a nice 3 bedroom house and the best parents a girl could ask for. It all started really when I got to about 12 years old. I was a shy girl, which made me an easy target. I developed quite early on, not just boobs or starting periods but my hips and waist took shape around that age. This made me look different amongst my other friends who were still very much straight up and down and would be for a few years yet. I didn’t understand any of it at the time – even though I was a size 8 and didn’t weigh an awful lot, I was bullied by both boys and girls for being fat and ugly. This was heartbreaking, confusing and awful. My family would tell me “you’re beautiful and definitely not fat!” but how could I believe them when I was being told every day that I was disgusting? I lost a lot of trust in everyone around me - I felt suicidal at one stage. I used to stand by the side of the road and try and work out which car is going the fastest so I could step out in front of it – I didn’t.
I eventually had to move schools where I was a lot happier. I regained the confidence that I had lost and took part in drama/dance – something I was really passionate about. I would have never done anything like that at my previous school. For the first time in my life, I felt accepted. I was happy. It wasn’t looked down upon or “geeky” to get on with school work and do well. I could finally apply myself, without being called names.
At 14, my Nan and my auntie were diagnosed with cancer. Both died when I was 15 years old, and 2 months before I was due to sit my GCSE’s. I very much struggled to cope with these losses – I still do. My auntie especially – she was 56 when she died and very much the life and soul of our family. She was the rock that held us all together. My school work suffered massively – I was predicted B’s and C’s for all subjects, but ended up with mostly D’s and E’s. I didn’t feel like my teachers understood what I was going through, and certainly didn’t get the support I deserved. I remember once getting shouted at because I couldn’t concentrate during an “important” lesson. I did however manage, get enough to get into college – even though this experience was very short lived. A few days before I was due to start college, whilst walking to my job at a local coffee shop at midday, I was attacked by a man. It could have been a lot worse – and this is what I tell myself. He attacked me with the intention of rape but luckily for me, he didn’t have the bottle. I came out with a bruised eye and a few cuts. My memory of this is more blurred than the rest – this must be my mind’s way of coping with it. What concerns me more, is that is happened too quickly for me to get a real good look at him – to this day, I don’t know what he looks like.
It didn’t affect me until after the first year when it finally hit me what had happened. As time goes on, I get more and more scared of things. Horror films that I used to love I can no longer watch, I panic if anyone is walking behind me – particularly if it’s a fast pace and I don’t really like being on my own anywhere. If I’m walking alone, I’m convinced every man is going to harm me. Even though my memory of the actual event is getting more and more blurred, the after effects are getting worse. I don’t want to feel like a scared little girl anymore.
I’m very emotional now. If I get something even slightly wrong at work, or at home I’m very tough on myself. I made a couple of errors at work recently on a big project – all my boss said to me was “It’s a really good finished piece but just take some time out and just try and be a bit more thorough for the next one” – I took this awfully and burst into tears! I wish I wouldn’t cry at the smallest thing. I realise my skin needs to be thicker – I just don’t know how to change that, but I’m ready to try.
I don’t want to hold the past on my shoulders as it’s really weighing me down – it’s ruining things that I should be enjoying. I’m young and happily engaged – I shouldn’t be dwelling on the s*** that has happened and just enjoy myself. I feel ready to take the first step into changing my life.
I suppose this diary is more for me than anyone else. I want to one day be able to write a happy ending. To not only prove those wrong who have doubted me, to prove myself wrong.
Thank you for reading, sorry if I’ve bored you with my essay of a post!
PinkCupcakes xxxxx