PinkCupcake's - New Beginning

Discussion in 'CD Weight Loss Diaries' started by PinkCupcakes, 29 November 2010 Social URL.

Post New ThreadFind New
  1. PinkCupcakes

    PinkCupcakes Member

    Posts:
    8
    Likes Received:
    0
    Start Weight:
    12st8lb
    Current Weight:
    11st5lb
    Goal Weight:
    9st0lb
    Lost(%):
    1st3lb(9.66%)
    Diet:
    CD
    Monday 29th November 2010

    Dear Diary,

    Here I go again.
    Back on the diet that I can never seem to finish – by finish, I mean get to my goal weight and move up the plans nicely so I don’t pile it all back on. I’m not sure if I feel totally ready for the diet, but I’m going to give it my best shot. I’m going to try the hardest that I ever have done and keep going until the very end.
    It’s just going to be difficult what with the Christmas period coming up – I’m going to Bristol (oh joy), where my Nan is a serial feeder and possibly a bully. I won’t eat like a horse – I refuse to. I’m just going to eat as little as possible and make good choices, i.e. no pudding, little potatoes and stick to diet drinks or water.

    This week will be a test already. I have to travel to Birmingham for work where we all get a bit tipsy and go out for dinner the night before. By then, I will be on Day 3 so hopefully shouldn’t be feeling hungry, but what is my excuse for not eating and only drinking water? I’ll have to think of something. I’m seeing my CDC today at lunch time so I will ask her for some advice.
    I’m also staying with my dad and his girlfriend this weekend where it’s all about the nibbles and booze! I’ve managed to just have shakes and water before there, so I should be ok. I’ve done it before, I can do it again! I just have to stay focused.

    I haven’t weighed yet – am going to wait until 12:30. I believe I’m in the 11 stone 5lbs region (s***), so I can let you know the damage shortly. I want to get down to 9 stone, so I have approx 2 stone and 5lbs to lose. Again, I’ve done 2 and a half stone before – I can do it again. Easy peasy…

    My incentive – I have my sister’s wedding to go to next July onboard a cruise around the Med, not only that, my sister and some other girls are teeny tiny and I just cannot go on that cruise looking like a whale next to gorgeous women all beautiful in their bikinis. I know it’s vain and stupid in comparison to more important issues going on in the world, but this means something (no matter how insignificant and selfish) to me and this is something that is important for me to do. The way I feel about myself – I wouldn’t even piss on me if I was on fire.

    I really need to change my ways. Not just in food/weight, just in general. I have no self control. As soon as I get money I spend it and now only a few days after pay day, I’m seriously struggling.

    I really don’t want to go into 2011 being the same girl as I am today. Things need to change or I’m always going to dislike myself, and I’m always going to be stressing/struggling – whether it’s weight, money or something else. I’m 21 next May – an adult by number. I need to have the self-control and willpower that I should have – I need to be responsible, with myself and with my money. I don’t want to end up in my 30’s fat, miserable and skint with nothing to show for myself.
    I want to be a role model – I don’t want my future children growing up with the same issues that I have with myself. I want them to feel happy with themselves and work hard for what they want in life. I don’t want them to be lazy and irresponsible like me. I need to work really hard over the next however long it takes – not just the outside parts, but it’s mainly the inside. My head is all over the place and I’m gradually turning into an emotional mess which most of the time feels out of control.

    I suppose I’ve survived literally through the hell that has been the last 10 years, but not emotionally. I describe myself sometimes as feeling broken – unfixable. I had a very happy childhood – a lovely, stable family of 5, lived in a nice 3 bedroom house and the best parents a girl could ask for. It all started really when I got to about 12 years old. I was a shy girl, which made me an easy target. I developed quite early on, not just boobs or starting periods but my hips and waist took shape around that age. This made me look different amongst my other friends who were still very much straight up and down and would be for a few years yet. I didn’t understand any of it at the time – even though I was a size 8 and didn’t weigh an awful lot, I was bullied by both boys and girls for being fat and ugly. This was heartbreaking, confusing and awful. My family would tell me “you’re beautiful and definitely not fat!” but how could I believe them when I was being told every day that I was disgusting? I lost a lot of trust in everyone around me - I felt suicidal at one stage. I used to stand by the side of the road and try and work out which car is going the fastest so I could step out in front of it – I didn’t.
    I eventually had to move schools where I was a lot happier. I regained the confidence that I had lost and took part in drama/dance – something I was really passionate about. I would have never done anything like that at my previous school. For the first time in my life, I felt accepted. I was happy. It wasn’t looked down upon or “geeky” to get on with school work and do well. I could finally apply myself, without being called names.
    At 14, my Nan and my auntie were diagnosed with cancer. Both died when I was 15 years old, and 2 months before I was due to sit my GCSE’s. I very much struggled to cope with these losses – I still do. My auntie especially – she was 56 when she died and very much the life and soul of our family. She was the rock that held us all together. My school work suffered massively – I was predicted B’s and C’s for all subjects, but ended up with mostly D’s and E’s. I didn’t feel like my teachers understood what I was going through, and certainly didn’t get the support I deserved. I remember once getting shouted at because I couldn’t concentrate during an “important” lesson. I did however manage, get enough to get into college – even though this experience was very short lived. A few days before I was due to start college, whilst walking to my job at a local coffee shop at midday, I was attacked by a man. It could have been a lot worse – and this is what I tell myself. He attacked me with the intention of rape but luckily for me, he didn’t have the bottle. I came out with a bruised eye and a few cuts. My memory of this is more blurred than the rest – this must be my mind’s way of coping with it. What concerns me more, is that is happened too quickly for me to get a real good look at him – to this day, I don’t know what he looks like.
    It didn’t affect me until after the first year when it finally hit me what had happened. As time goes on, I get more and more scared of things. Horror films that I used to love I can no longer watch, I panic if anyone is walking behind me – particularly if it’s a fast pace and I don’t really like being on my own anywhere. If I’m walking alone, I’m convinced every man is going to harm me. Even though my memory of the actual event is getting more and more blurred, the after effects are getting worse. I don’t want to feel like a scared little girl anymore.

    I’m very emotional now. If I get something even slightly wrong at work, or at home I’m very tough on myself. I made a couple of errors at work recently on a big project – all my boss said to me was “It’s a really good finished piece but just take some time out and just try and be a bit more thorough for the next one” – I took this awfully and burst into tears! I wish I wouldn’t cry at the smallest thing. I realise my skin needs to be thicker – I just don’t know how to change that, but I’m ready to try.

    I don’t want to hold the past on my shoulders as it’s really weighing me down – it’s ruining things that I should be enjoying. I’m young and happily engaged – I shouldn’t be dwelling on the s*** that has happened and just enjoy myself. I feel ready to take the first step into changing my life.

    I suppose this diary is more for me than anyone else. I want to one day be able to write a happy ending. To not only prove those wrong who have doubted me, to prove myself wrong.

    Thank you for reading, sorry if I’ve bored you with my essay of a post! :)

    PinkCupcakes xxxxx
     
  2. Avatar

    MiniMins.com Matched Content

  3. Rae Rae

    Rae Rae Gold Member

    Posts:
    1,553
    Likes Received:
    22
    Start Weight:
    16st11.5lb
    Current Weight:
    11st0lb
    Goal Weight:
    11st7lb
    Lost(%):
    5st11.5lb(34.61%)
    Diet:
    Slimming World
    Firstly, well done u on bein so brave+writing all ur feelings down. It sounds like u av been thru a hell of a lot+i think writing all of ur feelings+emotions down could b very therapeutic for u. Have u ever thought about goin to c a counsellor to help u work thru ur emotions+past experiences?

    I think you shoud b very proud of yourself for startin this diary and for gettin on the CD wagon. It is tough but u WILL succeed and u CAN do this.

    Thank u for sharing ur story.

    Rae Rae
     
  4. Rae Rae

    Rae Rae Gold Member

    Posts:
    1,553
    Likes Received:
    22
    Start Weight:
    16st11.5lb
    Current Weight:
    11st0lb
    Goal Weight:
    11st7lb
    Lost(%):
    5st11.5lb(34.61%)
    Diet:
    Slimming World
    Firstly, well done u on bein so brave+writing all ur feelings down. It sounds like u av been thru a hell of a lot+i think writing all of ur feelings+emotions down could b very therapeutic for u. Have u ever thought about goin to c a counsellor to help u work thru ur emotions+past experiences?

    I think you shoud b very proud of yourself for startin this diary and for gettin on the CD wagon. It is tough but u WILL succeed and u CAN do this.

    Thank u for sharing ur story.

    Rae Rae
     
  5. PinkCupcakes

    PinkCupcakes Member

    Posts:
    8
    Likes Received:
    0
    Start Weight:
    12st8lb
    Current Weight:
    11st5lb
    Goal Weight:
    9st0lb
    Lost(%):
    1st3lb(9.66%)
    Diet:
    CD
    Thank you Rae Rae. :) I definitely feel better for getting that off my chest – you’re right about it being therapeutic! I’m just sick of being in denial all the time and some things I need to speak about – unfortunately, it’s easier speaking about them to strangers who don’t know me than speaking to friends/family. Silly, I suppose.
    Thank you. I WILL succeed – that feels so weird to say because I don’t quite believe it yet. I’m sure once I get through the next few days I’ll feel a lot more confident. I’m definitely ready to turn my life around and be the person I’ve always wanted to be.

    Thank you for your lovely reply, :)

    xxx
     
  6. great things

    great things Gold Member

    Posts:
    5,984
    Likes Received:
    62
    Start Weight:
    17st7lb
    Current Weight:
    16st13lb
    Goal Weight:
    12st0lb
    Lost(%):
    0st8lb(3.27%)
    Diet:
    CD 810
    what a really bad time you've been through and you are still so young. what i have to say is that there's so much fantastic support on these boards and if you are struggling come straight on here, don't hesitate. remember that we've all gone through this diet and some have gone through some difficult times too. we are all here for you.

    good luck on your journey.
     
  7. PinkCupcakes

    PinkCupcakes Member

    Posts:
    8
    Likes Received:
    0
    Start Weight:
    12st8lb
    Current Weight:
    11st5lb
    Goal Weight:
    9st0lb
    Lost(%):
    1st3lb(9.66%)
    Diet:
    CD
    Thank you so much - that really means alot. I feel like I really need some support to be honest - I'm scared, worried - all sorts of feelings. I'm glad that I have somewhere to come where I can talk to people who are in the same boat.

    Thank you for being so welcoming :)
    xxx
     
  8. great things

    great things Gold Member

    Posts:
    5,984
    Likes Received:
    62
    Start Weight:
    17st7lb
    Current Weight:
    16st13lb
    Goal Weight:
    12st0lb
    Lost(%):
    0st8lb(3.27%)
    Diet:
    CD 810
    awww thanks. there's no need to be worried at all, or scared. your feelings are natural. this is my 3rd time ss and i always get the wobbles thinking that i won't be able to do it again but i do and you'll be fine. honest.
     
  9. Rae Rae

    Rae Rae Gold Member

    Posts:
    1,553
    Likes Received:
    22
    Start Weight:
    16st11.5lb
    Current Weight:
    11st0lb
    Goal Weight:
    11st7lb
    Lost(%):
    5st11.5lb(34.61%)
    Diet:
    Slimming World
    I totally understand hun, im not a big talker about feelings etc to friends and family...i just put that big smile on my face to make it look like im ok but like u im in denial about a lot of things myself.

    Its great that you have joined this forum as there really is some great support and advice on the diet front. As soon as you have got the first few days over you wont even feel hungry so u just need to find a way of finding comfort in other things not just food. I know its hard as i am or was the biggest comfort eater around but im tryin to work on that too.

    When are u actually starting the diet?

    I wish you all the luck in the world hun xx
     
  10. PinkCupcakes

    PinkCupcakes Member

    Posts:
    8
    Likes Received:
    0
    Start Weight:
    12st8lb
    Current Weight:
    11st5lb
    Goal Weight:
    9st0lb
    Lost(%):
    1st3lb(9.66%)
    Diet:
    CD
    Dear Diary,

    Good morning! Well today I’m on Day 2 and so far so good – although I don’t necessarily feel that hungry – I do feel very tired.
    We have snow falling here in Surrey/Hampshire so it looks all wintry and magical outside…kinda! It’s not really settling though, so I suppose it’s a blessing really for anyone who has to travel.
    I’m feeling a lot more positive today. I was in bed last night and I just thought to myself…”I CAN do this!” I actually can. :) There’s no reason why I can’t and I have lots of incentives to keep me going – so basically, there’s no excuse. I’m going to work really hard and I AM going to lose the remaining 33lbs. I have 6 months to do it – 29th May 2011 is my goal date. This is when I’ll wake up and be 21 years old for the first time and I want to wake up feeling happy and healthy. I want to have conquered the biggest battle of my life so far - weight & self-control. I know I need to work hard over the next 6 months and it’s not going to be easy – especially when it comes to my self-esteem and dealing with things I haven’t yet been able to deal with.

    Well I’m ready for the challenge tomorrow evening when I have to go away for work. I’ve already let my colleague know (who was in charge of booking the restaurant and confirming the menus) that I won’t be eating – “on a special diet”. I’m also happy to just drink water.
    I’ve also cancelled staying with my dad and his girlfriend this week – I’m a bit skint to be honest and can’t really pay for the train down there etc so luckily I’ve managed to get out of that challenge. Luckily, my dad is skint too what with leading up to Christmas so it works out well. I think the only thing I’m concerned about is my work Christmas do on the 17th. It’s a lunch at a tapas restaurant and I can’t get out of that one…I have tried! I’ve spoken to my CDC about it and she just suggests that I have my breakfast and dinner shake as normal but just eat small portions at the lunch – I don’t have to go mad and it shouldn’t do too much damage – just as long as I get straight back on it the next day. The same with over the Christmas period as I’m going away, (Xmas eve, Xmas day – Boxing Day I’ll be able to just carry on with CD). I feel determined and I know I CAN do it so I just need to eat little portions and not snack on chocolate etc and just make sure that I’m back on SS 100% after. I’m sure many people on this forum will be in the same boat so I’ll have to make sure I log in so we can all support each other x

    Had my breakfast shake already – chocolate mint mmm yummy! Will have apple and cinnamon porridge for lunch and then probably a shake for my dinner tonight. Trying to drink as much water as possible as from previous experience, the more you drink – the more you shrink! It’s just difficult as it’s so cold in this office so drinking cold water (the only way I can stomach it) is making me extra cold! :(

    Probably should get on with work really now! Hope you all have a great day!

    PinkCupcakes xxxxx
     
  11. PinkCupcakes

    PinkCupcakes Member

    Posts:
    8
    Likes Received:
    0
    Start Weight:
    12st8lb
    Current Weight:
    11st5lb
    Goal Weight:
    9st0lb
    Lost(%):
    1st3lb(9.66%)
    Diet:
    CD
    It's difficult isn't it? I don't really like to show when I'm stressed or feeling low. I just stick a smile on and try and laugh things off.

    I started the diet yesterday so I'm currently on day 2. It's going ok so far, not really feeling that hungry - it's more "habit" so around lunch time I just think about chocolate so it's just ignoring that. I feel quite tired and lethargic though.

    Aww thank you, that means so much :) have a wonderful day xxx
     
  12. Rae Rae

    Rae Rae Gold Member

    Posts:
    1,553
    Likes Received:
    22
    Start Weight:
    16st11.5lb
    Current Weight:
    11st0lb
    Goal Weight:
    11st7lb
    Lost(%):
    5st11.5lb(34.61%)
    Diet:
    Slimming World
    Hey hun,

    U will feel tired the first few days,just listen to ur body+sleep when u can,makes a huge difference +stops us thinkin of food :) u sound a lot more positive today which is great,just keep doin wot ur doin,i cant weight to hear of ur fantastic loss at ur first weigh in.

    Xx
     
  13. PinkCupcakes

    PinkCupcakes Member

    Posts:
    8
    Likes Received:
    0
    Start Weight:
    12st8lb
    Current Weight:
    11st5lb
    Goal Weight:
    9st0lb
    Lost(%):
    1st3lb(9.66%)
    Diet:
    CD
    16:28 – Just sitting here thinking back to when I first did CD and how amazing I felt. I remember getting to the point where I could do up size 14 trousers just nicely and feeling over the moon. I remember everyone around me eating delicious food and me resisting and feeling brilliant for being able to do that without any problems. I remember when I was about 140lbs, my size 12 trousers were very baggy and my colleague commenting on my tiny waist and bum! That felt so good and I can’t wait to go back to feeling like that. I miss that time in my life because for once, I felt in control and I felt so happy. I proved everyone wrong who was sceptical of the diet and they watched me each week with amazement. I felt proud of my weekly achievements and being able to wear skinny jeans and a nice top. For once, I was called “an inspiration” and I motivated others.
    I felt like nothing was impossible and I knew I could carry on because no chocolate bar or packet of crisps was worth losing that feeling of self-control and self-confidence. As much as I’ve struggled with the diet in the last year and a half, I have a lot to thank it for as I got to experience all of those different, positive feelings which before then, I hadn’t felt before.
    I miss being comfortable in my own skin and I’m going to do anything and everything to make sure I feel that way again. I’m going to inspire others and show people that anything is possible – even when you think there’s no way out. I’m going to prove those wrong who don’t think I can finish what I started – because I can. I’m going to be the girl that I’ve always wanted to be and I’m not going to give up until I get there. Regardless of how others feel – I’m going to be proud of myself again. I’m not giving up. Even when I look in the mirror and I “look ok”, I need to finish what I started. I’m going to get to 9 stone and I’m going to maintain my weight and not put it back on again.
    I’m ready for it now. :)
     
  14. Felix

    Felix Gold Member

    Posts:
    3,912
    Likes Received:
    28
    Start Weight:
    14st3.5lb
    Current Weight:
    13st5.8lb
    Goal Weight:
    10st0lb
    Lost(%):
    0st11.7lb(5.86%)
    Diet:
    Slim & Save
    Hey :) You sound so positive it's brilliant! You really sound like you're in the right frame of mind to succeed on the diet.

    I can't wait to be comfortable in my own skin for once, and be able to have the confidence to go out and do things I've always been scared to cos I think others will judge me because of my weight.

    Hope you're having a lovely evening x
     
  15. great things

    great things Gold Member

    Posts:
    5,984
    Likes Received:
    62
    Start Weight:
    17st7lb
    Current Weight:
    16st13lb
    Goal Weight:
    12st0lb
    Lost(%):
    0st8lb(3.27%)
    Diet:
    CD 810
    what a really nice positive post. so happy for you. you've got all your mojo ready.
     
  16. Sarah Lou

    Sarah Lou Gold Member

    Posts:
    1,657
    Likes Received:
    35
    Diet:
    slim & save
    Hi PinkCupcakes :) I was drawn to your name.. :) I've just read your posts and all I can say is I am so glad you have decided to make the change. I'm twenty years older than you and if I am honest i still feel alot of what you do. I get these flickers of I can do it and then the light goes out. I will check in with you and see how you are doing. I am attempting another start tomo x

    I am so sorry to read about your attack, I can sympathise with you.. I was attacked aged 19 and only last week walking down a dark road after work a guy was behind me and I was praying he would walk on by so I slowed down, my heart was abit in my mouth :eek: but I do try and walk with purpose now but I'm sure any woman would be abit on edge in those circumstances. Good luck xx
     
  17. great things

    great things Gold Member

    Posts:
    5,984
    Likes Received:
    62
    Start Weight:
    17st7lb
    Current Weight:
    16st13lb
    Goal Weight:
    12st0lb
    Lost(%):
    0st8lb(3.27%)
    Diet:
    CD 810
    are you still here? u ok?
     
  18. PinkCupcakes

    PinkCupcakes Member

    Posts:
    8
    Likes Received:
    0
    Start Weight:
    12st8lb
    Current Weight:
    11st5lb
    Goal Weight:
    9st0lb
    Lost(%):
    1st3lb(9.66%)
    Diet:
    CD
    Still here! sorry guys :) I will get round to replying properly. Been away on business and so busy at work - plus I dont have a pc at home at the moment so can't log on! I'm about to leave the office but I'll catch up with you all tomorrow morning xxx

    Love PinkCupcakes x:p
     
  19. Rae Rae

    Rae Rae Gold Member

    Posts:
    1,553
    Likes Received:
    22
    Start Weight:
    16st11.5lb
    Current Weight:
    11st0lb
    Goal Weight:
    11st7lb
    Lost(%):
    5st11.5lb(34.61%)
    Diet:
    Slimming World
    Hey hun,glad ur still here,was gettin worried about u.

    How u gettin on?have u ad ur first WI?

    Hope all is well.
     
  20. Rae Rae

    Rae Rae Gold Member

    Posts:
    1,553
    Likes Received:
    22
    Start Weight:
    16st11.5lb
    Current Weight:
    11st0lb
    Goal Weight:
    11st7lb
    Lost(%):
    5st11.5lb(34.61%)
    Diet:
    Slimming World
    Hey hun,glad ur still here,was gettin worried about u.

    How u gettin on?have u ad ur first WI?

    Hope all is well.
     
Popular Forums
  1. MiniMins.com is a weight loss support community helping each other on their weight loss journey. We have a multitude of forums, from Slimming World and Exante, to Success Stories. Click the logo at the top right to return to the forum home page at any time.
Loading...