floss
Full Member
I'v recently become active on this forum and have already found it invaluable. The past few days iv been writing down my food intake which has really helped me, but I think it's time for an online diary too so I can keep track and vent when I need to!
My Past
My dieting started at age 10. I was a completely normal weight but my mothers obsession with hers rubbed off on me. At 11 I became a vegetarian, was bullied at school and had operations on both feet, meaning I started gaining weight. I wasn't huge, but the gain left me incredibly self-conscious. Up until 16 I was always dieting, slimfast proved successful but I hadn't learnt anything so the weight came straight back.
At 16 things changed. I moved away to go to performing arts college. I started severely restricting my calories because I felt so large in dance class. I starved and binged. I was weighed at college and told I was fat and to lose weight which only made things worse! I ended up leaving because I was so unhappy, but the damage was done and from the ages of 17 - 20 I struggled daily with cycles of extreme starvation and binging. My weight yo-yo'd from 9 stone to 12 1/2. My family were on my case constantly about my binging and my weight gain, My dad told me how big I was and how awful I looked. It just made it worse! I longed to be successful at starving, but my brain was too logical to overlook how stupid it was, which is why I could never break the cycle.
When my current boyfriend and I got together I was the weight I am now, living on fruit and protein shakes. I couldnt eat infront of him, I thought he had made a bet to go out with me. Slowly I began to believe he loved me and shared my food issues with him. From then my weight has fluctuated but iv stayed around 10.10. My starving has stopped but my binging hasnt. I struggle daily, even hourly and every day has been a new "diet". My boyfriend is tired of how low my body confidence is and how much is affects my life. I cant show my arms in public, last summer I sweltered in long sleeved tops while he watched, it saddens him.
Which brings me to today. My life has always been geared towards performing arts, but iv realised that I can be something else and still be happy. Pursuing a career that doesn't depend on my looks and my weight is wonderful. Next week I have an interview to study children's nursing, if im successful I could be starting the following week! Iv always dieted, always wanted so badly to be thin. Last weekend my boyfriend said to me, just do it. Write down your food. Do it. I know its not that simple, but I took his advice and this week has been a revelation. I ate too little for a few days, triggered my depression, crashed, talked it all through with my mum and came up with a plan. Yesterday I ate breakfast and lunch, I havnt done that since I was a kid! My energy was amazing. Iv finally realised what I need to do, and that I can do it. It's going to be tough and there will be times when it feels impossible. But it's time for me to really do this properly.
If you have read this you deserve a medal! I didnt expect it to be so long
Bring on the journey!
My Past
My dieting started at age 10. I was a completely normal weight but my mothers obsession with hers rubbed off on me. At 11 I became a vegetarian, was bullied at school and had operations on both feet, meaning I started gaining weight. I wasn't huge, but the gain left me incredibly self-conscious. Up until 16 I was always dieting, slimfast proved successful but I hadn't learnt anything so the weight came straight back.
At 16 things changed. I moved away to go to performing arts college. I started severely restricting my calories because I felt so large in dance class. I starved and binged. I was weighed at college and told I was fat and to lose weight which only made things worse! I ended up leaving because I was so unhappy, but the damage was done and from the ages of 17 - 20 I struggled daily with cycles of extreme starvation and binging. My weight yo-yo'd from 9 stone to 12 1/2. My family were on my case constantly about my binging and my weight gain, My dad told me how big I was and how awful I looked. It just made it worse! I longed to be successful at starving, but my brain was too logical to overlook how stupid it was, which is why I could never break the cycle.
When my current boyfriend and I got together I was the weight I am now, living on fruit and protein shakes. I couldnt eat infront of him, I thought he had made a bet to go out with me. Slowly I began to believe he loved me and shared my food issues with him. From then my weight has fluctuated but iv stayed around 10.10. My starving has stopped but my binging hasnt. I struggle daily, even hourly and every day has been a new "diet". My boyfriend is tired of how low my body confidence is and how much is affects my life. I cant show my arms in public, last summer I sweltered in long sleeved tops while he watched, it saddens him.
Which brings me to today. My life has always been geared towards performing arts, but iv realised that I can be something else and still be happy. Pursuing a career that doesn't depend on my looks and my weight is wonderful. Next week I have an interview to study children's nursing, if im successful I could be starting the following week! Iv always dieted, always wanted so badly to be thin. Last weekend my boyfriend said to me, just do it. Write down your food. Do it. I know its not that simple, but I took his advice and this week has been a revelation. I ate too little for a few days, triggered my depression, crashed, talked it all through with my mum and came up with a plan. Yesterday I ate breakfast and lunch, I havnt done that since I was a kid! My energy was amazing. Iv finally realised what I need to do, and that I can do it. It's going to be tough and there will be times when it feels impossible. But it's time for me to really do this properly.
If you have read this you deserve a medal! I didnt expect it to be so long
Bring on the journey!
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