Please can you help me with this - URGENT!

[Flopster]

My kids started a new school this week, the eldest has settled in very very well, my son (he has a twin sister) is doing ok as he can play football and is quite happy doing that. My daughter on the other hand who had loads of friends at her old school, has not been accepted by the kids in her class at all. They won't play with her, they move away if she goes to sit with them and she is desperately unhappy, it is absolutely breaking my heart.

Now here is my dilemma and I don't know what to do. She asked me if I could send in a great game that everyone would want to play with her and maybe she could make friends that way. So I went running round to Asda and picked up a pack for her to make friendship bracelets.

Now here is my dilema - I also bought the girls in her class a pencil and eraser each, now do I send them in or is that too much like blackmail. I feel desparate to do all I can to help her make friends, it is breaking my heart.

WWYD - I need as many opinions as possible before the morning. I am besides myself here and have been crying for hours now. I just don't know what to do.

 

[DQ]

I think leave it with the friendship bracelets. That's something they can make with her, and build a relationship. The pencil and eraser they could just take and not make any effort to get to know her.

Poor love {{{HUGZ}}}

 

[Debz]

That's dreadful. And I guess you're not yet far enough into the term to get her to invite a couple back for tea.

I have no real advice, sorry. I can only say that I was bullied at school (weight related) and no matter what anyone did for me, not an awful lot worked.

How long has she been back at school, how old is she, and would talking to the teacher help?

 

[Russiandoll]

It really upset me when I read your post Flopster . I have daughters (youngest is only 10) and it would DEVASTATE me if she was being excluded like that. Girls are much worse than boys when it comes to being cruel IMO.

The friendship bracelets are a good idea - they're interactive and the very name 'friendship' gives across a good and positive message.

I hope it works out for her. Please let us know how it goes.

 

[Flopster]

Thanks everyone she is six and is normally a very happy confident little girl. The teacher assigned her a buddy but it was the buddy who wouldn't sit with her today.

I will send in the friendship bracelets and I am going to write a note to give to one of the girls to give to her mum to see if she can come for tea. Problem is I don't know who any of the parents are and also all the classes come through one door so I have no idea who belongs to who.

It is breaking my heart all this.

 

[KD]

Oh yes! As Debz said...invite them back to tea. Only one at a time though!

Try not to worry too much yet though. Sometimes it just takes a bit of time. Lots of cuddles together and reassure her that things will get better. Don't let her see your fingers crossed though

Oh and if it goes on, have a word with the teacher. They should help make sure she's included.

BTW Do they have a buddy scheme there? Our school has one and it's very successful. Might be worth enquiring.

 

[Flopster]

Hi

I have written a couple of notes to hand to the girls whom she wants to be friends with introducing myself and asking if the kids can come back to play. I kept all names out of it so my daughter can pick who she wants to give them to.

The problem is it was the "buddy" who wouldn't sit next to her, but this seems to be happening with all the girls.

I just hope it improves. Failing that she is friendly with two girls in another class, I may resort to splitting her from her twin and seeing if she can move there - but that is a last resort.

God this is so hard!

 

[KD]

Oops. Sorry. I see you mentioned about the buddy thing. Reading too quickly.

If she made lots of friends in her old school, there is a good chance she'll make friends in her new one pretty soon. Be patient...it takes time.

Inviting friends back can work really well. Especially if you do it one at a time. If you invite a couple over, you might find they pally up and your daughter is on the outskirts again. Of course, if nobody takes her up on her offer, it could hurt (you probably more than her)

Girls are notoriously 'orrible when it comes to making and breaking friends, though they are usually very curious with the new girl. I must admit to being surprised that the buddy failed. They are usually very proud of the position. Guess the teacher picked the wrong buddy!

Please try not to get too upset about it. When she makes friends, it won't be long before they've all fallen out anyway. That's what girls specialise in. The groups will change around and she'll find her place. It's still tough though and I feel for you. We want to see our kids happy and settled.

Perhaps you can help her with some 'breaking in' skills. Smiling...eye contact...telling them she is scared or asking them to show her how to do something. Girls fall for that more than boys.

It is still early days. Keep reassuring her. Try not to let her see your upset or she might feel that all hope of making friends is gone.

Very best of luck.

 

[Ajax]

I don't know what to suggest, but it broke my heart to see you so upset, I can only imagine what it will be like to go thru that, my daughter isn't even two yet so don't have any experience like that, but just wanted to send you and your daughter a big big hug. I remember changing school quite young, prob about 9 I think, and I didn't speak to anyone for nearly 2 weeks and I was very popular in my old school. I didn't last for long, I soon had lots of friends and was very happy. I hope it works out foryou both soon. Let us know how it goes!

 

[bluemoon]

Flopster
I can't really add anymore advice because whats been said already is spot on. But I just wanted to say that I feel for you and I really hope that you and your daughter have a better day today.
Sending you a virtual hug xx

 

[Flopster]

Inviting friends back can work really well. Especially if you do it one at a time. If you invite a couple over, you might find they pally up and your daughter is on the outskirts again. Of course, if nobody takes her up on her offer, it could hurt (you probably more than her)

Girls are notoriously 'orrible when it comes to making and breaking friends, though they are usually very curious with the new girl. I must admit to being surprised that the buddy failed. They are usually very proud of the position. Guess the teacher picked the wrong buddy!

Please try not to get too upset about it. When she makes friends, it won't be long before they've all fallen out anyway. That's what girls specialise in. The groups will change around and she'll find her place. It's still tough though and I feel for you. We want to see our kids happy and settled.

Perhaps you can help her with some 'breaking in' skills. Smiling...eye contact...telling them she is scared or asking them to show her how to do something. Girls fall for that more than boys.

It is still early days. Keep reassuring her. Try not to let her see your upset or she might feel that all hope of making friends is gone.

Very best of luck.

Thank you! I got introduced to one of the girls dad's today and he seemed to be very nice and spoke to his daughter and she held my daughter's hand as they went skipping into school. This was the girl that my daughter particularly wanted to be friends with and I handed the dad a note with my phone numbers on. I just hope the mother rings me now but at least she went in happy!

She ended up in bed with me at 4 in the morning and she wet her own bed twice, a sure sign she is miserable.

She also took some friendship bracelets in to make with the girls but the pencil's stayed firmly behind.

I have spent ages and ages just trying to reassure her over the last couple of days.

Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it.

I don't know what to suggest, but it broke my heart to see you so upset, I can only imagine what it will be like to go thru that, my daughter isn't even two yet so don't have any experience like that, but just wanted to send you and your daughter a big big hug. I remember changing school quite young, prob about 9 I think, and I didn't speak to anyone for nearly 2 weeks and I was very popular in my old school. I didn't last for long, I soon had lots of friends and was very happy. I hope it works out foryou both soon. Let us know how it goes!

Thanks Ajax, that really does help, I am sure she will settle in, she is a very sociable little thing but I think that because she is little they are being mean. It is hard breaking into an established class, it really is.

Flopster
I can't really add anymore advice because whats been said already is spot on. But I just wanted to say that I feel for you and I really hope that you and your daughter have a better day today.
Sending you a virtual hug xx

Thank you blue boon, I will update later as to how her day went.

 

[DQ]

Glad things sounds like they're getting better.

 

[Ajax]

Awwww soo glad she has made a friend. Just you see she will have loads to choose from soon! That buddy that didnt want to sit with her will be aching to be her friend!!

 

[Isobel1965]

Awww - poor little sweetie!! Karion has given you great advice so I haven't much else to add. But I just wanted to mention that my youngest is having a hard time in her new reception class. There are only 3 kids in there that she knows from nursery - the rest of them are new - and she's been in tears today as she thinks that none of the new kids want to play with her. Things will settle down for both of our babies, I'm sure.

love

 

[Flopster]

Thank you everyone! Today it seems was better, she was playing with some boys and this one little girl that she wanted to be friends with. Both of the twins have friends coming next Tuesday for tea and my daughter is asking her friend tomorrow.

Fingers crossed we have turned a corner. She was still tearful tonight but then she was awake at 3.45 am and in bed with me from then.

Thank you again for all your help and support, it has been a horrible couple of days.

 

[princessfiona]

It must be really hard for you both, but I am sure things will settle down. I work in a Primary school (secretary) and when new pupils start, specially if they are new to the area as well, my heart just goes out to them. I can honestly say though that within a few weeks they all settle in and you would never know they are new.
If things aren't better by next week I would be tempted to have a quiet word with the teacher and see if she could appoint a new "buddy". Usually teachers pick them very carefully but maybe this time she made a bad choice. If she is being left out in the playground perhaps the teacher could ask the auxilliary staff to keep an eye out for her.

Anyway hugs to you both{{{{}}}}

 

[Flopster]

Thanks Fiona, she certainly seemed a bit chirpier yesterday, so fingers crossed we are over the worst of it.

Thanks for replying.