please help me help my DH

Discussion in 'Cambridge Weight Plan' started by misscooks, 26 September 2007.

  1. misscooks

    misscooks Active Member

    My husband is on CD, curretly weighs 17 and a half stone, but at the start weighed 21. He started in march, and I know it sounds like hes done ok, but he has yo-yo'd up and down in that time, his lowest was 16.4 a few weeks ago. As of 14th sept he promised me that this would be the last time and that he would stick to the diet - I even went on it with him as I had gained a little weight. He works away all week, and takes tetras with him, but there have been times when hes eaten and not told me, until its painfully obvious when he gets weighed - hes one of those terribly un lucky people who can gain almost a stone on a day of eating, even when not on CD, as am I, so there is no hiding it.

    I know it sounds awful, and please dont judge me, but I am fed up of him being fat, and I am fed up of him messing around on this diet, if he had stuck to it, he would have been at goal by now. Yes, he was overweight when i met/married him, but so was I - I was 17 stone. 4 years ago, we agreed that enough was enough, he was almost 30 and we had to do something, so we embarked on a low cal diet. Trouble is, I lost half my bodyweight, he didnt.

    Its been a bone of contention these past 4 years, and I dont know what to do. I really thought CD would be the best option for him, as hes in hotels all week, and says its hard to find healthy food.

    I am so fed up of having no life, this year we have had to turn down countless invites to lunch ect, and seeing as we have moved into a new village, its not exactly made us popular (he could go and have a shake, but he would be unbearable afterwards, its not worth it, and hes by his own admission not capable of just having a small portion, he would eat and eat and eat again when he got home).

    Our DS has started a new school, and one of the mothers hs invited us all over for sunday lunch this week, and I have accepted, if only for DS's sake, I dont want to make ourselves unopoular in another place, and you know what people are like about CD, they hardly understand.

    DH has promised me he will only have one small plate of food, but I just dont believe him. I am dreading it.

    How can I help him? I cant go on living with him like this, its driving me mad! DS has also started saying he wishes his daddy was thin like the other dads, and he was upset the other day as an older kid said his dad had boobs. that breaks my heart as the sole reason I lost all the weight I did was that I didnt want DS to be picked on for having a fat mum (as I was as a kid).
  2. misscooks

    misscooks Active Member

    also, can i just add, that first diet we went on when i lost all my weight, he didnt loose a pound he lied and said he was eating heathily and was obviously caught out a month later when hed lost nothing!
  3. spooky

    spooky Banned

    Your post struck a real chord with me as I have a similarly overweight husband.
    One thing I have learned is that telling him what to do won't help him. He became overweight so he has to be the one to do it. Try as you might you can't lose the weight for him.
    My DH has now come to the conclusion on his own about losing his excess weight. He did that after seeing my transformation from 16 stone frump to being the size and weight I am today.
    He obviously has food issues and I would recommend some sort of counselling or CBT too help resolve them. Maybe hypnotherapy? is that worth a thought?
    I think you both ought to have a really good talk about what you both want tbh and decide how you are going to get there. The lying to you MUST stop to, but thats probably a symptom of his food issues.
    Theres lots of support here, even if you just want to rant about it. Has he seen the thread of inspiration??

    good luck X

    (Btw I am really cr@p at wording posts like this so forgive me if I get it wrong!)
  4. Sambucca

    Sambucca Well-Known Member

    its a really difficult situation to be in Misscooks. My hubby was a little overweight (not a bloater like me) and as he has seen the weight fall off me on CD, he decided to just cut down a little and has lost over a stone without really depriving himself of anything.

    I think most of the miniminers will probably hold their hands up and say they have been guilty of eating in secret either now or in the past.

    It sounds to me like (and I am no expert) that he is eating in secret as he is ashamed and feels like he is letting you down. He has to lose weight for himself, but more importantly he has to want to lose weight.

    You should sit down and have a proper talk with him about it. CD is a waste of money if he isnt doing it properly. He could spend that money on gym membership or a new bike to boost his activity levels.

    Congratulate him on the 4 stones he has lost so far and tell him how proud you are of him, but acknowledge that he is finding CD too tough and it is perhaps time for him to either give CD 100%, or switch to another diet.

    Good luck
  5. icemoose

    icemoose The Diet Guy

    A real tricky one BUT the one thing I can promise you is that if he doesn't want to do it then it doesn't matter how much you want him to as he just won't lose the weight.

    On the premise that it isn't working on SS why doesn't he try 790 as then he gets the little evening meal ??

  6. misscooks

    misscooks Active Member

    Hes not secretly eating in the eating disorder sense (just keeping it from me, when I think hes dieting lol), he works away in the weeks and eats out with collegues. He doesnt have food issues as such, he just eats too much, likes going for huge meals out etc. He actually eats healthily, just far, far too much.

    It just gets me down so much that he wont do it. I love him, but I hate the way he looks now that I have done something about my own weight if that makes any sense. I thought when he saw me go from a size 22/24 to an 8 it would help, but it didnt.

    Over the past few years I have tried badgering him into dieting, ot saying anything and letting him get on with it. I just cant see an end to it.
  7. misscooks

    misscooks Active Member

    Hes away in hotels all over the world during the weeks and doing all sorts of funny hours, so it would be quite hard to do this. I know he wouldnt be able to do it, he couldnt ever just order a small chicken salad, hes even said that.

    I'd give up and let him do what he wants, BUT hes 34 this year, men in his family have history of heart probs starting in their 40s, and they are not even overweight.
  8. skinnymonkey1day

    skinnymonkey1day Well-Known Member

    well done

    firstly well done on him losing weight but i think you are being a bit selfish myself! :mad: You said you were overweight and lost weight then you know how it feels to be fat! this is a good diet but a hard one so i think you should cut the guy some slack.

    sorry if i sound a bit harsh but let him do it his way.
  9. chunkychicken

    chunkychicken Well-Known Member

    I have to agree with skinny monkey.
    I have been guilty of being a bit of a born again fatty myself and find myself thinking awful things about large people (particularly when I am hearing the same old excuses I used to give myself - it makes me cringe). But at the end of the day - if the roles were reversed and your hubby was making you feel as much of a failure as you are making him - you would be devastated.
    I think a lot of the reason why he is struggling is because he clearly is not doing CD because HE wants to - he is doing it because he feels pressured to.
    I think the answer here is to be a little more mindful of how much actual support you are giving him and how much of that "support" is actually being portrayed to him as disgust, pressure and nagging.
    Just because you found the answer to your weight issues doesn't mean that this is necessarily the answer for him as well. If that were true - everyone in the world would be thin.
    I also strongly believe that this diet can work for anyone - but only if they are in the right frame of mind, and also, even more importantly, that they are at the right time in their life. Perhaps with his busy lifestyle jobwise - it just isn't the right time for him whether you feel you can't stand to have a fat husband or not. He is the same guy he has always been - you are the one who has changed here and I am sure he is bewildered by the change. He must love you very much to be trying to lose the weight for you. Like Skinny Monkey said - cut the guy a bit of slack and support him by showing that you care and be patient.

  10. MsJMC

    MsJMC Strong women stay slim

    Its really hard but , hes the only one that can do this , all you can do is say you will be there for him the whole time , but as he works away , you really can't be there for him , You have to say to him , you've got to want todo this for yourself . Everyone has to find the right frame of mind , he might just do that ! He really loves food by the sound of things , best he try's to take another Hobby take his mind away from food , more you eat the more you want . Hope it all turns out ok !
  11. flirty40greeneyes

    flirty40greeneyes Busy busy busy!!

    I've read this post with a lot of insight into what you have written - not because I had a fat partner or husband ... but an alcoholic ex husband. I hated him doing to himself what he did, we had countless rows and arguments .. where he'd promise me it would stop - only for me to find out he'd been lying and then it would all start over again. I twisted myself in knots trying "to save him" ... but he didn't want to do it - and eventually (through the help of Al-anon) I came to realise I was making it worse. I handed back the responsibility of whether my ex drank or not to him. Unfortuneately he chose to continue - and it culminated in the end of our marriage ... but I have learnt that you can't change someone unless they want to change, you can't make someone do something unless they want to - and in forcing the issue you'll make yourself and your husband miserable.

    Tell him how you feel about him being overweight, how it affects all of your lives - and then tell him it is up to him what he does about it ... but no more lying to you. If he can't stick to CD SS or any other diet plan, then there is no point financially etc him being on it. Better for him to have the pressure lifted and go back to it when he does feel ready and want to do it.
    IreneH likes this.
  12. Sweetpea

    Sweetpea Well-Known Member


    Maybe the CD isn't the one for your husband. It must be so difficult to work away and stay in hotels all week and be on meal replacement soups and shakes.

    It has worked for you but everyone is individual and maybe he needs to try something else. Perhaps he could consider something more suited to him - if he is used to eating a lot perhaps he could try something like the Atkins diet? Men seem to like that diet and it does allow you to eat a lot of protein with restricted carbohydrates which gradually increase the longer you are on it.

    Also I don't mean to be rude but sometimes when fatties become slim they can get a bit self-righteous and think that if they can do it everyone else ought to be able to. Try to remember that it isn't the easiest thing in the world to do and for most of the week you aren't with him to offer your support. He might even be being egged on by colleagues and eat for the silliest of reasons.

    Having said that I think if you are concerned about him for health reasons because of his family's history of heart disease and worried about what your child has said then I probably would have a serious heart to heart about it with him.

    As others have already said though it can only happen if he finds something within himself and truly wants to lose the weight.

    Why don't you show him this thread and others and it might get you talking which might enlighten you as to how he truly feels?
  13. MsJMC

    MsJMC Strong women stay slim

    I think he would be better at slimming world . But deep down hes happy to plod on , its other people that are not happy with him like that . One day he might think about things , its like my friend her bloke hes 26 stone they dont live together but she told me she was hiding the crisps , he is now having trouble with his knees . She never says about his weight , but he says i need to lose weight , shes so used to hearing it now she just rolls her eyes and lets him just carry on . Hes been under the hospital also about his weight , still hes eating .
  14. Big H

    Big H Well-Known Member

    Was he harsh on you when you were a size 22?
  15. Barb

    Barb Well-Known Member

    Crumbs this is really hard. I both sympathise (although to be honest not much)with you and am horrified by how you feel. He is away from his family all week, eating alone or with business colleagues presumably, it's hardly surprising if some comfort eating is going on.
    My husband has gradually gone from a skinny 10.5 stones when we met to a more ample 14.5 stones 30 years later. I couldn't care less - I love him; fat, thin, bald (yes he is rather), grumpy, whatever, he's him, thats all I need.
    Yes, you have health concerns for your husband but how about his mind? His self esteem must be in it's boots at the moment.

    I agree with everyone who has said he has to want to lose weight himself. No one ever does it and maintains it for somebody else. I have fought my weight all my adult life, my Dh supports me when I am trying to lose and never comments negatively when I'm not. I should lose 6stone, I haven't yet, maybe I will, maybe I won't, but one thing i do know; if someone was making me feel bad about it I would reach straight for the biscuits.
  16. peachy1982

    peachy1982 Well-Known Member

    You are not going to like this.
    But you can't force someone to lose weight they must be ready to do it for themselves - and if you do force him into it then it will only end up in him resenting you if he starts to struggle with it.
    Sorry doll but he needs to do what he can for himself - we have all been there.
    You can only continue to give him the love and support that he needs and hope that he decides he needs to lose weight for his own benefit
  17. Marie_D

    Marie_D Well-Known Member

    Firstly - congratulations on the weight you've lost, BUT....I felt nothing but sympathy for your husband when I read that post. Being overweight is bad enough without the clear disapproval and pressure from a partner. You have done really really well to lose the weight you have, but not everyone is lucky enough to have that level of will power. From what you've said I get the impression that your husband is away all week for work, away from his wife and away from his children....then he comes home only to be told that you don't like having a fat husband? That's awful.

    I'm not judging you, but please try and remember how hard it is to lose weight. If it was as easy as simply making the decision to eat small portions of healthy foods then none of us would ever be overweight! It's not that simple, it's hard work and the key to success is support, not pressure/rejection/mocking etc.

    You said he lies to you about what he's eaten. This could be for various reasons - maybe because he is really struggling with stick to his diet and needs more support and encouragement, or maybe it's purely because he doesn't want to diet and just can't be bothered (or is hurt) by your disapproval.

    I would suggest speaking to him about it and finding out exactly how HE feels about it. If he really does want to lose the weight, for himself, then maybe try and find a diet better suited to him, or simply help him along the way on CD. If he doesn't really want to lose the weight the that's a completely different conversation.

    Feeling like your partner is disgusted by your size/appearance is an awful awful awful feeling.
  18. misscooks

    misscooks Active Member

    I did expect alot of critisim for the way I feel, but CD was DH choice, not mine. I had never heard of it before he found it in march and wanted to try it. I lost weight through reducing calories myself.

    We have had countless heart to hearts, its got worse over the years, at first I was ok. He couldnt be bothered to diet, FINE. But HE wants to loose weight. Its all he talks about. WHat gets me down is the constant 'by easter, ill be slim, bysummer, by xmas' on and on. It stops us from having a normal family life. Yes, I want him to be slim now, but only cos hes gone on and on about it himself for years. Hes tried every diet under the sun, asked me to support him, and I have done them with him, even when I didnt need to. All this year, I have sole sourced at weekends with him, even though I didnt need to, because he didnt know if he could do it if i was having a meal - i think that is pretty supportive really, being called unsupportave is kind of hurtful.

    I also havent gone out with my friends for 18 months now, because when I plan things DH will start mumbling about how its not fair I am meeting up with people for lunch/dinner and hes not, I know he will eat when I am out (he says he will) so I dont go. I have said to him countless times if he wants to stay this size then fine, I may not like it, but I love him. But hes the one who keeps saying he will get the weight off, and that he wants to be slim and thats why it gets me so down.

    He thought CD would suit him because of his job. Hes happy with his job, he chooses to work abroad during the week, as thats what suits us best as it means we can live very rurally, so there isnt an element of unhappyness or lonliness causing his eating,he could come home whenever he wanted.

    He also asks me to be hard on him about his weight. He never told me how fat I was, and when he did, it started to bring home to me that I needed to do something, and he saw that chage in me, and thats what he wants me do to him. Hes not loosing weight for me. And I really dont think I am being selfish for not wanting my husband to die at 45 like his dad, uncle and grandad.
  19. skinnymonkey1day

    skinnymonkey1day Well-Known Member

    come on!!!!!!

  20. flirty40greeneyes

    flirty40greeneyes Busy busy busy!!

    I'm not judging the way you feel about your DH - but I think you have to step back and either let him eat, or not ........ the choice is his. He too knows that if he continues to pile on the pounds he stands a higher risk of dying earlier. If he chooses not to do anything about it - then that's up to him.

    Support him when and if you can - but not to the extent that he distrupts family/your life. If you want to go out or accept invitations - do so - if he says he'll eat if you go out ... then let him. It is the child in him that is acting that way. If you treat him like an adult he'll either respond in an adult way and take responsibility for his eating - or if he doesn't then he knows the consequences.

    I think he knows what he has to do - but is using the situation to continue eating. Until he faces up to the fact that less calories = less pounds he is not going to do anything constructive. What does his CDC say??? Is she/he helpful??? Maybe hypnotherapy would work for him - I had it and it helped me resolve some (non food related) issues.

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