Relationship problems (sorry)

[Princess]

Hi all ok not really anything to do with the diet. But I was hoping for advice all the same as I dont have many sympathetic friends at the moment.

Ok been with boyfriend just over 3 years. Things were great at the start (arent they always?)
All my relationships seem to only last 3 years before I get cold feet

Now with him its one thing after another.
He smokes a lot which I hate, but I met him like that and accepted it.
He also drinks every night, normally id be joining him for a couple too if I wasnt on CD. But dont know if its cos im sober all the time now, he just gets on my nerves soooo much! He also smokes cannabis every day/night too. And gets grumpy as hell when I want to go to bed early (11.30) even when im up early for uni the next day!

Do you think its cos im on the diet im seeing things in a new perspective? or am I just being a selfish cow?
I really dont know what to do. Stay or go
I do love him and we do have good times. During the day hes an angel and really helpful. Arrggghh i dunno!
I just dont want to do something i may regret
Ive tried to speak to him about the smoking/drinking etc but he wont stop.
I know its only me that can decide whats best for me but I really really dont know!
Thanks for listening

deb xx

 

[Princess]

Thanks swankyswan it really does help
He is supportive of the diet. Though he does order take aways every other night which isnt much help to me. Plus I do most of the cooking.
Yeah tried saying it during the day and nothing, he just says he cant stop, and he doesnt wanna stop
I think if I can quit everything and go on a VLCD he can give up or at least cut back on things I dont like about him. Though he never told me to lose weight He would always say things like you would be so much cuter if you lost weight, and of course hes right..
Then I come back with you would be a nicer person if you quit drink/cannabis though he cant seem to get it through his skull

Thanks for the reply hun I guess Im gonna have to think long and hard about this one!

 

[Isobel1965]

Hun - as someone who lived with an alcoholic for 17 years (although he never smoked - I did though!!) who also took drugs frequently - I would ask you if you would be happy to be with him when you're 40. I wasn't - which is why I'm divorced.

If not, there's your answer.

Personally, I believe that the frequent use of any illegal drug or booze severely damages the brain - users turn into people you wouldn't recognise.

I think you're worth more than that, hun!

 

[dizzy-n-mizzy]

Hi Princess

You are right to be thinking things through rather than just putting up and shuting up.

I am not able to offer advice but wish you all the best in your decision making.

Dizzy x

 

[Princess]

Thanks isobel ((hugs))
yeah...thats the problem, I dont know if I see myself with him when im 40...
i also agree that any drug damages the brain, hes always frogetting simple things and swears black is white even though its clearly not!!

What to do...

Also sounds selfish but there is a financial matter if I leave I will really struggle alone to pay my rent bills etc cos im a student. But I know thats no reason to stay with someone.
But then again I managed alone before him and I can manage again without him

Its a difficult year at uni and a break up might not be in my best interests at the moment. Not sure how much longer to put up with it

TY for your replies, your making me feel better already!

 

[Princess]

Thanks dizzy hun xxx

True swankyswan, I guess he wont change unless he wants to which he doesnt
Men!!

 

[DQ]

Hey Princess

I try to warn my clients that removing food from the equation often has the side effect of them looking at other areas of their lives and thinking 'is this what I really want?' Only you can make the ultimate decision, but there are a couple of things that leap out at me.

You say he accepts you at whatever weight you are,but then says things like 'you'd be cuter if you lost weight'. To me that sends the message, in a passive way, that he wants you to lose weight so you'll look cuter. What woman doesn't want to look better for her man?

You say he's supportive of the diet, but orders take out every other night and you do most of the cooking. Supporting you should mean more than saying 'well done' - he could easily take some of the cooking off your hands and give you a break.

Just a couple of things that struck me by your post.

You are worth the very best - is he what you call the best?

Hope I'm not speaking out of turn mate xx

 

[Diva]

Hiya Princess

What a dilemma, hun....I truly empathise with you because I know that this programme is more about how we cope with our lives than how we cope with food. Food is the coping mechanism that we use and is only a symptom of what is really going on. Once food is then removed from the equation we are often left quite open and as such can feel vulnerable to what life has bestowed upon us and like, DQ, I often warn my clients to look out for this.

Princess, this is not a bad thing - it is an opportunity for you to learn and for you to grow and for you to step up and say what you want. We do not need to justify why we want what we want - it is our right to have what we want so long as we are within the confines of our own legal and moral beliefs.

As DQ has said, there are a couple of things that uncover the true nature of your relationship together and I would ask "is this the person that you would want for a child of yours?". Remember, he potentially could be a father to a child of yours and is he the standard that you would want a child of yours to live up to?

I know that children may not yet be on the horizon but things happen and if he is not the standard then you are wasting your time, if he is then work at your problems together by finding a way to connect with him so that you can start talking. One simple way of doing this is to listen to him when talks to you...hear the words that he uses and use those same words back at him when talking. Immediately, he will start to feel more at ease .... For example, if he says to you "we need to talk" but you say "we're not communicating properly" then you are not using the same language and this is one of the biggest reasons why arguments start without us realising it.

Sorry, I haven't been able to offer you more substantial help Princess but as you know, this is one for you and you already know your answer, hun....Just be brave and everything will be just fine, you'll see.

 

[Princess]

D Q of course your not speaking out of turn hun this is the exact kind of replies I want. Honesty. Thanks heaps xx

Yeah I think your right, that by removing food, Ive started to look at other areas of my life. is that a good or bad thing?

yeah the comments about looking cuter if I lost weigh did hurt but they are true. And yeah every woman wants to look good!

As for the take aways etc yeah he could do more than just a pat on the back after every weigh in

As for is he the best? I dont think he is.

Why do we always think the grass is greener on the other side?

 

[DQ]

Sometimes cos it really is!

 

[clairejen]

Deb, I don't think you're the one who is being selfish. It sounds like he does what he wants to, and if that happens to be what you want then fine, if not tough. Swankyswan's right, people never change at a fundamental level.
Only you can say if you should stay or go, but all the reasons you've put for staying sound like practical rather than emotional ones.

 

[Diva]

As I said in my earlier post, Princess.....this is not a bad thing! You are just starting to be real about what you want...

 

[Princess]

Diva thanks so much. Yeah the thought of kids although a nice thought I cant see it in the near future with him. I will try again to chat to him one day next week to see if we are still on the same wavelenth
All your advice has been second to none!


lol D Q yeah sometimes it is!

Clairejen yeah reading back my reasons do seen practical, maybe ive already answered my question then ?

I feel so selfish for thinking this

 

[DQ]

I feel so selfish for thinking this

What's so selfish about thinking about what YOU want and need for a change? A lot of us gain the weight because we don't face that side of things - this is a good thing honey, really it is

 

[Princess]

Yeah i guess
Maybe its about time I put my own needs first. And get back to being an independant woman

thanks guys you can really cheer a girl up!

 

[DQ]

Destiny's Child couldn't put it better!

 

[Princess]

Haha yeah!

 

[Coley]

Hey there my little babes!! Been offline for a bit....ah dear.....me knows what you are going through!! Gavin is a bit of the same, drinking and smoking a bit too much for my liking, no drugs but it hacks me off!! I don't know what to do either!! I'm trying to wrangle it so that he thinks its his idea to stop the smoking and drinking and get fit?! I'm not exactly subtle though and it's getting him up in arms and doing the opposite of what I want! argh!!! Sometimes I think I would be fine without him and I'm really not bothered, sometimes I am a wreck thinking about it....daft and very strange.

If you are worried about somewhere to stay....you can always stay with me! you know I'm moving to my new flat at the end of next month and they'll be a spare room.....may get someone in anyway to help with rent. So there is an option if you need somewhere if you need it hun.

Not very useful advise for you hun but when you find the answer be sure to tell me so that I can do it too!!

xx

 

[Princess]

Awwww Coley poley how sweet are you??
Its my flat hes in though so if anyone is going its him! lol Thanks so much for the offer though wee hunni how thoughtful oh cambridge roomies lol!!! xxxxx

So your going through the same thing, its soooo annoying isnt it?
Cos I do love the guy, but im always thinking I dont deserve this crap.
Im torn in 2 about it 50/50 just now

Im thinking of waiting until im near the end of uni year, just cos I dont think I can handle a break up plus uni plus everything else. Id fail.
Thats my plan anyway i think. If nothing improves by then its curtains im afraid

 

[Mrs Roch]

Sometimes "who" you want and "what" you want aren't always the same thing and I learnt this the hard way... It's hard to put yourself first and really think about what "you" want out of life and hence out of a relationship.

A friend of mine, in her early 30's, living in London, good job, frequent holidays etc once said to me that although her M&D were hassling her to settle down unless someone she met could bring something positive to her life they just weren't worth the effort.

I think as your dealing with your weight issue you're probably trying to focus positive energy on this and so any negativity and problems that are around your relationship are being highlighted.

Good luck with your weigh-loss sweet and I hope your strong enough to resolve the issues around your relationship and remember it takes two to sort them out and if he can't be bothered, then really, should you be...