Sabotage!

[Yambabe]

I'm reposting this as a direct copy from my blog entry today.

I'd really like your opinions and comments please, good or bad.

I think I nearly sabotaged myself last night.

It was very late, around 2am, and I couldn't sleep, probably cos of the hormones & stuff. When we did the shopping on Saturday we picked up some sandwich fillers from Asda in a couple of flavours so John could take butties to work this week, egg mayo, chicken tikka and prawn mayo, and they were just sitting there in the fridge.

Anyway I went to get some filtered water out of the fridge and there they were, calling to me. I'd opened the chicken tikka and eaten about a tablespoonful before I even realised. Again. A bit like the Cheese Incident, it was done almost unconsciously, but that was only the start of it. My head then started to tell me that as I'd already had some I might as well chuck some more on a sandwich and tuck in - at this point reality snapped back and I realised what I was about to do. I actually had the bread buttered & everything. :cry: I gave it to the dog!

So back to the sofa and little sleep but much self-analysis. Although the small bit of chicken in sauce that I'd eaten was, by this time, making me feel physically sick, I doubt it was actually enough to do any damage to my long-term plan. That's not the point though. The point is that I knew I was approaching a danger trigger (the boredom factor, see previous entry) and it so nearly nearly happened.

So several more hours passed trying to sort out what was happening inside my brain. I think maybe there's some little voice in there that thinks I don't deserve to be slimmer, fitter, healthier, god forbid maybe even more attractive? Some part of me that has been using my fat for a shield for all these years - people don't notice the fat girl, or if they do they don't take any notice. Could it be that my inner shyness, that I have fought so hard to overcome over the years, is still in there trying to beat a path out? That I'm scared that if I become "nicer" to look at people will start to take notice of me, and maybe when they do I won't measure up to their expectations? Food for thought (haha, food haha) indeed.

Thankfully we have an online girly session tonight, I think I will have to share these feelings and get some external, objective opinions. I think I need a stroke!

Anyway for now I've had this morning's shake, I've pulled an old summer dress out of the wardrobe that I haven't been able to wear for many years and for the first time in ages I've put some makeup on to go to work. I look HOT lol. I am more determined than ever that I will banish my inner demons and get control of my appetite (and possibly my life?) back. It might just be time to admit that I can't necessarily do it by myself though, and much as it goes against my usual independent & stubborn nature it may be time to say "Hey, I am struggling with this a bit, who is there to help me?"

 

[Quak]

A lot of what you say is striking a chord with me, shyness used to be my middle name, but somehow I have found that I actually quite like being noticed and admired and want more of it. Not sure how the change came about but glad that it did. I too have had the thoughts about being an undeserving case but am trying to get the self esteem up there with the achievements so far. Boredom does me too, I get nagged at for being on the laptop all night but find the telly does not keep my demons at bay but surfing and being on here does the job much better so that is my strategy.

Don't really have any good suggestions as my changes seem to have just happened by themselves except to say that from what I have seen on here you are a very intellient and articulate person and it is highly unlikely that you would be found wanting should you let people notice you. Good on you for the dress and make-up, it does make you feel much better when you make the effort, in fact I have to reign myself in these days not to go over the top with it all!

And we are here to help if you let us and if we can.
Bren xx

 

[Splash27]

When i saw the thread title i couldn't help but sing the Beastie Boys song out loud. haha All the people in the Library now think i'm nuts.

On a serious note. You will be slim, and you will get there. =) Pamper yourself, put on your favourite clothes even if its just to go about the house. It'll make you feel tons better.

You seem to give a LOT of people on here inspiration, so stick with it. :flirt2:

 

[Magggie]

I know what you mean Yams
last time I was slim, I found the "oh my god look how skinny you are" talk from people a bit much to bear
its like I had put that person behind me & why should they comment? I am & was the same person thin or fat

I used to wear a lot of sportswear, generic baggy-ish stuff that doesn't draw the attention to myself
but when I wanted to dress up & take the looks I would.

its a hard one to fix
I think maybe the continuing stuff of working out your Mum's stuff is still weighing heavy on your mind?
when thats all done & dusted, you will, if nothing else, find closure.
eating like the stolen sandwich is harking back to a bad habit like cigarettes
you were tired

 

[rosie kate]

Yam, I think you hit the nail on the head with the boredom trigger - it's such a hard one to beat. I was sat watching Flashforward last night and by the end of the episode I'd got an empty chocolate wrapper at the side of me (not a massive bar thank god, just a little 1x2in taster bar of plain chocolate but I still kicked myself!) I think when we are tired/bored sometimes autopilot kicks in and it will send you off doing something that you habitually do in those circumstances...in my case reaching for the cupboard.

 

[Red77]

Don't be too hard on yourself Yam, food is such an emotional comfort.
I made my OH a scrambled egg bap (drool) at the weekend and picked a crumb up & ate it before I had even given it a 2nd thought - god knows why i did it as it a crumb didn't give me any kind of satisfaction, old habits i guess.

There's a lot of bad habits to unbreak and it will take time and effort but you're on the right road to get you there. One day we will all think like thin people and have a good relationship with food.

I do agree, boredom is the biggest threat for me too but this time (normally for me its the weekends), i chose to chuck out all my old clothes to make space for newer smaller ones.

- Maybe we should all take up knitting to keep our fingers occupied?!! If we ALL did it, we could set up a business - go global, we'd be unstoppable!

excuse above, just had a rather (too) strong coffee.............

 

[Yambabe]

I already knit.......

The boredom bit is possibly a bit out of context with that post actually cos it refers to something I'd put on the blog a few days before.

Basically I have an established pattern when dieting, or at least I have had previously. I'll start a new diet all fired up and enthusiastic and get right into it, and I'll usually do pretty well too.

The a couple of months down the line I start to get bored with it, and complacent about it too. I'll start pushing the boundaries, introducing the odd "treat" or "cheat" here and there, see what I can get away with. And at first I will get away with it, but it's a slippery slope and the more I get away with the harder I push until I drop myself right off the edge.

Then of course "the diet isn't working any more" even though if I'm honest it's just that I'm not doing it properly any more. So I give up, and go right back to where I started.

I'm now at the 2-month stage with Exante, and I've noticed this last week the little nibbles have started to creep in. There was the Cheese Incident early on but I truly believe that was just a blip, however this week there's been the meatballs, and now the chicken tikka........:sigh: So I've got to put a stop to it, and adjust my head so it doesn't happen again.

I'm determined to stick this out, I'm not prepared to let it become just the latest in a long line of diets that I have failed at. I can't afford that, not at my age. If I don't do it now I may never do it, and all those obesity-related health problems that I have managed to dodge so far in the last 46 years are going to catch me up and kick my ass - hard.

This is where I need help I think. Abstaining from food is the relatively easy bit, getting my head to the place where I know what I want out of this, I know what I have to do to get it and I don't allow myself to get sidetracked again is going to be the real struggle.

Thanks for all your kind words so far though, they are definitely helping!

 

[Red77]

i SO know where you're coming from!

Its like reading my own life and I am sure plenty of others! Thats something we all do!

I look back and think if I'd of stuck to this 100% when I started the VLCD last year, then I would have all the weight off but there is no point wasting time on regrets.

Take it a day at a time and congratulate yourself on each day for being 100%. Be nice to yourself too, do a little pampering/spoiling in a non-food way.

you're doing great and this is just a blip and a problem each one of us gets at some stage - I had it about a month ago as I got complacent with all the compliments after losing the weight but then I realised I need to 'power' through else I will never know my full potential.

stay strong, the road will only be shorter, the stricter you are with yourself.

1 day at a time

arty0011:arty0011:arty0011:
(this is the cheerleading team I am sending you)

 

[Myr]

I cannot write in much depth right now as I am at work but, whether we have done this once (VLCD) or more than once. Let us remember that to take away the option of eating or choosing anything apart from the nutritional packs will have some impact on us - it has too.

I believe reaching in the fridge, even going through the motions and not fully understanding why is a habit. It is not because you actually want it.

When I gave up smoking, the year after we went camping. (And we always go to the same place so everything was familiar.) I was walking back from the shower block and instinctively when I reached our 'pitch' I reached out to pick my cigarettes up off the table. Of course they were not there because I did not have any, but without a second thought I had reached out for them.
What was that about I thought? I knew that I did not actually want one, but I worried about what messages my brain was sending me and tried to analyse it for more than what it actually deserved.
I am still a non-smoker

Love Myr xxx

 

[Miss Demeanour]

Ye gods woman! you're only human, don't be so hard on yourself!

I hear everything you say and while they're all valid points, you *may* be over analysing it slightly.

Let's look at the facts - it was the wee small hours, you may be in the grip of hormones, not sleeping, and wandering about a bit on autopilot. It's easy to 'forget' we're on a diet and act unconsciously (about 20 mins ago I caught myself getting excited over a beer offer in the co-op), and under the circumstances described, it's not surprising that umpteen years of habit kick in and override the consciousness, which probably was not all there to start with.

The umpteen years of habit told you to go for the sandwich, but when the unconscious action/thought became consicous, you immediately stopped. That says to me there is nothing wrong with your thought process at all. Because as soon as you properly thought about it and ceased to act on autopilot, you made the sensible choice and put the sarnie in the dog. When acting consciously, you actually *didn't* sabotage your efforts. You're still winning.

It's that act that tells me that your brain is not as addled as you think. Sorry to break it to you - You're just a bit normal after all.


p.s.
This aside, if all the other nibbles are conscious and not accidental, it's probably just diet boredom. sadly, I don't know the answer to that one, aside form a self-administered kick up the arse, and a bit of focus. I'd do it for you, being the friend that I am, but you'd probably hit me back harder...

 

[Blonde82]

Yambie you went as far as making the sandwich and found the strenght to give it to the dog - that is amazing believe me if I'd have made it then I would've eaten it! I think you are a lot stronger then you think.
Reading your post I had to remind myself it wasn't my writting I feel exactly the same and go through the same, every diet I've done I get to almost a stone, get the compliments then give up! WHY?
I'm trying to base my mini goals on things for myself - I don't need to buy new clothes as I have a whole wardrobe that is too small for me and I'm throwing out the ones that get too big as I go so there is NO turning back - I'm going for a massage when I reach my 1st goal, a new haircut when I reach my 2nd goal its something to focus on and this time I'm aiming to get my head in the right place where I will be pleased to meet that thinner girl!
The only other suggestion I have (as you sound like its ok to let yourself down but not others) is to sign up to something, a sponsered walk/run or something where you know you have to keep going with the diet to be able to complete the challenge?
Keep strong! I LOVE reading your posts and blog they give me huge inspiration.
Have a good week (old fashioned smiley, can't currently find the new age smiley & only just able to navigate to reply to a post!)

 

[Quak]

Not to mention that the dog really really loves you

 

[Magggie]

Dog didn't get a look-in when that half a pie between 2 slices of bread was around Huh !
;D