Shame!

Discussion in 'Lighter Life Forum' started by wanna, 17 August 2006 Social URL.

  1. wanna

    wanna Regular Member

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    Horrible realisation this week at my LL group.
    On thought records. I realised I often have shame as my strongest emotion. Even when someone says I look great. I feel shame for liking it or shame for not being slimmer enough yet etc.
    What is that about?
    Any insights?
     
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  3. Shadow

    Shadow Member

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    Sounds like it could be twisted thinking. Maybe you should write down some thought records when it happens and show them to your LLC.

    Perhaps you felt shame before for being overweight and you are stuck in this way of thinking. It seems like maybe you don't feel like you deserve to be complimented for your achievents or for how good you look.

    I have similar thoughts except mine are disbelief, when I get a compliment I tell myself it's not true. I'm working on this too and it's slowly getting better as I start to like myself better then I can believe other people like me too.

    I think a weight loss of over 100 lbs amazing and you deserve every compliment you get given. How long did it take you?

    I hope you are intending to post some before and after pictures on here to inspire the rest of us, when you reach your target.
     
  4. Shadow

    Shadow Member

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    Just had a thought there, maybe if you post some photos now, you can practise at enjoying the compliments you get given on your loss so far!
     
  5. wanna

    wanna Regular Member

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    Hi Shadow

    yeah, good advice, I'm gonna keep checking on the shame quota. It's not nice to see that I default into something like that.

    Thank you for your kind comments. I have promised Mini a while ago on another site(!) that I would post my photo's of my weight loss journey. I'm waiting to get there but when I do I said (if I'm happy)
    I will show them.
    The thing is they are all in my undies! :eek:
    I will post them for a limited time.
    It will probably be like one of those ten to midnight freebees on the x channel!
    For ten minutes only!
    lets see if we can crash the server! I recon the pictures will be ready by mid to late october all going well on the diet!!

    It's a little promise I don't mind keeping. I have already shown my ll group the nuddy ish ones and was somehow proud not ashamed...
    In fact perhaps naked is the way to get rid of the feelings!!!
     
  6. Shadow

    Shadow Member

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    I read someplace that one of the best tharapies is to stand and look at yourself naked in a full length mirror on a regular basis, so you start to like what you see and lose the feelings of shame.

    I suppose I'm addressing this by massaging with bio oil in the bathroom which has big mirrors and yes, what I see is pretty horrible to me but not as bad as it was 8 weeks ago.

    I think I'll try some underwear photos's too but didnt' have any before ones. I'll also take some with my clothes on so once I do as well as you have done I'll post them for others to see.
     
  7. Mini

    Mini Administrator Staff Member

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    Hi Guys,

    I have just posted on another thread that I feel ashamed/embarrassed of anyone seeing me in my swim suit as I am now and this is one of the reasons I don't go swimming.

    I have a record of myself in my big knickers as they don't hide the fact how fat I was:( and with clothes on as well.

    When I broke my diet and gained weight my reaction was to take off my photos and not let anyone see them (photos I had on DH with clothes on), as I could not bare the thought of anyone looking at them...:(

    I felt such a failure and a fraud and I did not feel I deserved anyone to compliment me as I did not deserve it...

    This thinking was making things worse for me as I began to comfort eat, little by little...

    When someone said I looked great I was very unhappy as I felt how can they say that I have gained back on 19lbs...

    Husband had to give me a good talking to!!!

    He said, that I had to claim what weight I lost and that I have it off for a good while and I did not regain it all and to put this slip down to experience and the need for some more learning...

    Needless to say he did not get through to me on the first attempt because I needed to punish myself with feeling of doubt.

    I thought I had worked through most of that stuff but it still is there...

    I find I have days when I think I have got it and then days I just wonder...

    Fat steals so much...health, self-esteem and confidence.

    Love Mini xxx
     
  8. chicken on a mission

    chicken on a mission Restarting to lose 4stone

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    This thread goes to show that the thought records work ;)

    The whole point of doing them is to see if there is a pattern to your behaviour so that you can deal with it. Deal with your strongest and most frequent initial feelings and correct the crocked thinking and just think how much closer to your ultimate goal of remaining slim once you get to goal you will be :D

    For me the feeling that comes up time and time again is anger. I have tried for years to blame the anger I feel on everyone else for not noticing or appreciating me but I have learnt that I have untimate responsability in how my life goes. I now take full responsability for making myself happy rather than hoping someone else will notice and sort me out and fielding compliments with grace has ensured that they keep flooding in so I do feel more noticed and appreciated!

    I have never felt better as a consequence of learning so much about myself and I am far more relaxed. I have even noticed through doing the thought records that my behaviour and reactions are already starting to change although I know I have a long way to go to train myself out of the pattern of behaviour of the past 33 years.

    I know about so many of my issues now though and that has to be half the battle. :)
     
  9. Shadow

    Shadow Member

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    This is my crooked thinking at the moment.

    I have been chatting online to a man on the internet for months now. He's lovely, kind and gentle. We get on like a house on fire. I've told him about being overweight and my CBT and he totally understands as he lacks confidence too.

    Anyway, he really likes me a lot and wants to meet me but I keep saying no because I am too fat and he won't like me.

    Crooked thought is "he won't like me if he sees me"

    The reality is, he already does like me, thinks I'm pretty and know's I'm overweight already. I'd only be meeting him as a friend initially anyway so nothing should change. If he did think less of me as a friend because I am overweight then he's not the nice guy I think he is.

    Right?
     
  10. Mini

    Mini Administrator Staff Member

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    Hi Shadow,

    Talking on line is a whole different ball game to meeting someone in the flesh!

    It can go that it will work and you do have more in common or just remain friends or find that in reality neither of you can really stand the sight of the other...

    Having said that Blossom meant her husband to be on line, as has many others and it has worked out very well.

    I guess like the old saying nothing ventured, nothing gained.

    Remember, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

    Even you do arrange to meet make sure you take the necessary precautions and that is make sure you meet in a public place and that if you feel uncomfortable you can make your excuses and leave, always make sure someone knows where you are and who you are with and have them phone you to make sure you are okay.

    These are just some precautions and I am sure others may have more to add.

    Make safety your primary concern when meeting someone for the first time.

    If you can bring along a friend and most good relationships start out on friendship, I know mine did.
     
  11. Shadow

    Shadow Member

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    Thanks for the advice Mini, it's very nice of you to be concerned, and I've taken on board all your words of warning.

    We are going for a coffee first, and if we get on well, we are going to the Zoo. I always have my mobile with me, and will ask my sister to phone to check I'm ok.

    I've made it clear to him that this is just two friends meeting up and not a date. That way I can see how we get on once we have met each other.

    Mostly, I'm excited at the postitive change in my attitude towards myself and it's all down to LighterLife.

    Will keep you posted ;)
     
  12. wanna

    wanna Regular Member

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    Hi ladies, thanks for the replies.
    Yup it's still that little voice saying - you are not good enough.
    I was thinking perhaps it's a sense of I am not good enough because no matter How much more thinner I am I cannot make someone like me or fall in love with me. The only thing I can change are my own thoughts. Harumph. with food at least I could have as much of it as I wanted, when I wanted. it was not going to stop me. it even encouraged me.I felt needed or something with food. now it's so hard because I'm facing the fact that I can't have what I want when other people are envolved. it hurts
    Shadow, He might not be someone that you like when you meet him. Well done for meeting up. It takes guts. I think it's quite important to meet up pretty soon after emailing because it's so easy for me to turn life into fantasy. I don't think you can really know what a person is like until you spend time with them.
    it's quite liberating to meet up. I did it once and wierdly, while the guy liked me ( I couln't understand at the time) I was not interested in him! I gave him two dates but we really just were not into the same things and it showed up.
    I think Anger is a
    biggy chicken. It seems that eating pushes down anger for a bit. but it escapes in other ways. have you seen the chase last night. The woman int hat is very angry nad turned into this bitter nasty person. It's sad.
    Compliments are hard to take at the moment. Ih ave just got into saying thank you very much and not making an excuse but then I feel so silly and can't think of what to say next that isn't a reply compliment. so I sort of stand there.
    You should of heard me bumbling on about how well cut my coat was on saturday when a male friend of mine said how slim my waist looked. I just couldn't stop myself that time... I fielded the compliment and batted it far out of the stadium. tra la. ho hum. poo.
    Does looknig in the mirror and saying - you are so hot, help?:rolleyes:
    Wanna x
     
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