Splash
Gold Member
I started my CD journey 20 days ago and didn't initially intend to keep a journal but not having food to soothe myself I've felt restless and unsettled. I guess I need to think about how I got to be this heavy and how I need to change my way of thinking.
So I've been thinking right back to try and see how food got to be so important to me. I feel that I have let life pass me by because rather than being out and about on a sunny day I'd prefer to be watching TV or reading whilst eating as much junk food as my stomach could hold.
So childhood: I was the eldest child of a Mum with mental illness and alcohol addiction. My father was rarely on the scene and when he was he also drank and got violent. I remember my early school days with horror, I wet my bed until I was 10 and only had a weekly bath so you can imagine how I smelt! I rarely had clean clothes and they were never ironed so I was a target for bullies from day 1. Add to that a very shy nature. I didn't know about hygiene and although in those days my Mum did cook a dinner we also ate lots of crisps and Mars Bars and coke. From an early age I used to do the shopping (7ish) and get my mum's cigarettes because she was frightened to go outside.
There was a highlight to my life though and that was my Grandparents. They were only 39 when I was born and every weekend they took us out, fed us properly, bathed us and generally gave us the care and attention that we didn't get at home. My Nan had a walk in larder and 2 freezers. After lunch or dinner we were allowed to help ourselves to whatever we wanted, cakes, biscuits, crisps, ice cream, sweets etc. Well this was heaven to me. I had never felt so safe and loved as I did when Nan was cooking a huge roast and I was sitting with my Grandad watching Laurel & Hardy, stuffing cakes and chocolate. And the picnics they took us on, bags full of sandwiches and sausages and cakes.
As I got older I used to stop at their house for dinner, as Mum was too drunk to cook or too busy with the latest slime ball boyfriend and eventually I moved into my Grandparents home (14yrs). I was a size 16 and much taller than all the the other girls at school. I was a bit of a loner but deep inside I didn't want to be but I didn't know how to change.
Leaving school was wonderful. Mum had moved away (i was glad) and I felt like I had a fresh start. I trained as a Nurse, made friends and at 22 married a man I never fancied or respected because I was desparate to have a home and a family of my own. He also liked a drink and over time became a fully fledged alcoholic. We're now divorced and so I'm a lone parent to 4 kids but have never been happier, except for my weight. I was taunted by some teenage lads who'd been drinking a few weeks ago, they were really abusive and I cried all night afterwards. Then I got angry. I'm fed up with never having felt attractive or sexy, I'm fed up having people look down on me, I'm fed up feeling as though I'm unlovable. I know in my head that it's not true, I had my Nan & Grandad, (now no longer with me) and I have my beautiful children and lovely friends. But I've been fat all my life, size 16 at 12 and a size 26 when I started CD 3 weeks ago. I know that I'm a strong person and succesful person on the outside. Now at the age of 41 I want to feel it inside aswell!
Well this has turned into a jumbled mess of a post but it's how it came out! So to sum up, I don't like not eating, I'm finding it strange to deal with. At the same time I want to change, I can't face a future with me just keep getting bigger and bigger. And a friend wants me and my youngest 2 children to go on holiday abroad next June....and I REALLY,REALLY want to slip into a plane seat without spreading under and over the armrests into the next seats!!!
So I've been thinking right back to try and see how food got to be so important to me. I feel that I have let life pass me by because rather than being out and about on a sunny day I'd prefer to be watching TV or reading whilst eating as much junk food as my stomach could hold.
So childhood: I was the eldest child of a Mum with mental illness and alcohol addiction. My father was rarely on the scene and when he was he also drank and got violent. I remember my early school days with horror, I wet my bed until I was 10 and only had a weekly bath so you can imagine how I smelt! I rarely had clean clothes and they were never ironed so I was a target for bullies from day 1. Add to that a very shy nature. I didn't know about hygiene and although in those days my Mum did cook a dinner we also ate lots of crisps and Mars Bars and coke. From an early age I used to do the shopping (7ish) and get my mum's cigarettes because she was frightened to go outside.
There was a highlight to my life though and that was my Grandparents. They were only 39 when I was born and every weekend they took us out, fed us properly, bathed us and generally gave us the care and attention that we didn't get at home. My Nan had a walk in larder and 2 freezers. After lunch or dinner we were allowed to help ourselves to whatever we wanted, cakes, biscuits, crisps, ice cream, sweets etc. Well this was heaven to me. I had never felt so safe and loved as I did when Nan was cooking a huge roast and I was sitting with my Grandad watching Laurel & Hardy, stuffing cakes and chocolate. And the picnics they took us on, bags full of sandwiches and sausages and cakes.
As I got older I used to stop at their house for dinner, as Mum was too drunk to cook or too busy with the latest slime ball boyfriend and eventually I moved into my Grandparents home (14yrs). I was a size 16 and much taller than all the the other girls at school. I was a bit of a loner but deep inside I didn't want to be but I didn't know how to change.
Leaving school was wonderful. Mum had moved away (i was glad) and I felt like I had a fresh start. I trained as a Nurse, made friends and at 22 married a man I never fancied or respected because I was desparate to have a home and a family of my own. He also liked a drink and over time became a fully fledged alcoholic. We're now divorced and so I'm a lone parent to 4 kids but have never been happier, except for my weight. I was taunted by some teenage lads who'd been drinking a few weeks ago, they were really abusive and I cried all night afterwards. Then I got angry. I'm fed up with never having felt attractive or sexy, I'm fed up having people look down on me, I'm fed up feeling as though I'm unlovable. I know in my head that it's not true, I had my Nan & Grandad, (now no longer with me) and I have my beautiful children and lovely friends. But I've been fat all my life, size 16 at 12 and a size 26 when I started CD 3 weeks ago. I know that I'm a strong person and succesful person on the outside. Now at the age of 41 I want to feel it inside aswell!
Well this has turned into a jumbled mess of a post but it's how it came out! So to sum up, I don't like not eating, I'm finding it strange to deal with. At the same time I want to change, I can't face a future with me just keep getting bigger and bigger. And a friend wants me and my youngest 2 children to go on holiday abroad next June....and I REALLY,REALLY want to slip into a plane seat without spreading under and over the armrests into the next seats!!!