Taking the plunge again (starting 27 September 2010)

[evianne]

Hi all you good people

Last year on LL, I lost 6 stone, exactly what I needed to lose, and felt on top of the world.
This year, I thought I could go it alone without doing Route to Management which I knew was crucial, and 2/3rds of the weight crept back on. I have been contemplating going back for the past 4 months and did not pick up the phone to booking myself in until today.
I already feel better, one step done, dusted, ticked off.
I thought it a good idea this time to unload and get support not just from the group but also from others going through the same process or successful in having done it and maintaining their new healthy weight. Some of you in here are terribly wise and I hope I can have your support during the tricky bits.
This time round, I know it will not be a walk in the park yet, I have decent memories of the first time round as I did so well. I had it all down to a "T", was even thinking of becoming a LL counsellor so I could keep focusing and spread the good work and word, felt excited and confident, practiced the techniques, thought records, the lot.
Then, when the rest of my life felt like nothing had changed (naive assumption), I started losing focus and letting excuses creep in, felt less empowered when the first half stone was gained and went all the way to gaining pretty much 4 stone in about 6 months.
Well, enough. I am now set on rebuilding the "me" I want to be, day by day, food pack by food pack.

I hope you help me be positive even in days when my posts are not so much that, and if I feel enlightened enough, I may also contribute some to others who are going through this process.

In a nutshell, I am sort of counting on you.

I'll post again after my 1st meeting, on Monday. Until then, I am slowly getting used to the idea (and relief) of having no food in the house and focusing on doing the work once more, wishing this will be the time when all the effort will bring the long term commitment and "Result"!

 

[MagdaX]

Good luck evianne! It's not an easy decision but you know you have made the right one. I am also a returner and have lost 4st previously, failed to do rtm and put it aaall back on. So we are on the same boat hun and so are many lovely people on here. This forum is amazing. The amount ofsupport you get here is so helpful. It keeps me going and motivated all the time.
Go for it girl!!!

 

[slendablenda]

Welcome back to LL Evianne.
As you say, you have taken the first difficult step by picking up the phone and contacting your LLC.
The advantage you have over new people is that you KNOW it works, you KNOW what to expect.
You WILL get it all off again and I'm sure RTM will help you keep it off.
The main thing for me has been to completely re-evaluate my relationship with food thanks to LL. It's not always easy.
Just keep reminding yourself how it used to be, why you decided to do LL and what the alternative is.That's what keeps me at goal 2 years on.
We are all here to support you. Good luck x

 

[evianne]

Thanks ladies for the support, I admire your input in other threads and wish we were close enough to have chats and get-togethers every now and then; your knowing what it's all about first-hand is such a big thing, explaining to friends and family who have no idea (esp. the second time round) can be a bit of a drag.

I know I am doing the right thing and God knows why I kept postponing it for months. I have in fact been postponing it since January, when I only needed to get into a RTM group and was just over 10 stone. I then stuck my head in the sand (plenty of excuses) until I came up for air and I was already 4 stone up again. I do not know where I am as we speak but I'm sure I will find out tonight...

I am actually relieved I am getting back to LL today because I know I am now living out my long term dream of mindful eating and detaching food from emotional states, of which I have many. The irony of it is, I really enjoyed the CBT and TA work with the group, thought was the greatest ally.

Last night, I booked myself a ticket home (abroad) for a pre-Christmas get-together so already have my first main goal of 10st 10lbs by December 15th. Fact of the matter is, family now remember me as they last saw me last Xmas, so despite knowing that I have put on weight, they are not filled in on details and so I am planning to keep it to minimise dramas.

So, I will be keeping you posted.

Ex

PS. I am even looking forward to keeping thought records!

 

[evianne]

Hi again,
Tonight is my first weigh-in and I feel confident. I did not get the chance to update you before because I thought I'd better concentrate on doing the work, reviewing the foundation homework which helped me sooooo much the first time round and keep my head down low, keep my eye on the ball so to speak.
Well, must have worked because it has been easier -yes, correctly read- than I had expected it would be.
I have my targets all set, focus present, pilates machine on the go and I am still taking a day at a time, my motto the first time round.
Most important, the fact that I know it works (Thanks SlendaBrenda for reminding me!) was a huge thing because I can use all the tools and tricks I have devised so far to keep going. So, will be letting you know how this 1st week went tomorrow.
I hope everyone else in Refreshers is doing well out there and let's not forget: we know it's worked for us before and can work for us again. We know how it feels to be where we need to be! All we need is to WANT to be there again, this time with the experience we have and the lessons we learned the first time round.

Till later!

Ex

 

[evianne]

So, I'm updating as promised.
I've lost 3+ kg s in the first week. Not bad although I had the impression it would be more. Perhaps a bit too ambitious. The first week went fine without much to worry about. I had prepared myself for the worst, so I suppose this helped.
However, yesterday night, at 11.45pm I had my first lapse, at the end of a disastrous day. I need not go into detail to bore everyone, but it's been bad. Add to that the weakness of the moment and even the thought record I was writing to get me over it could not pull me through. I'm still numb at what happened because I had my first negative breakthrough.
l realised that my only definition of treat, is that of food.I was racking my brain to think of other "treats" and was coming up empty! For decades, the constant definition of "treat" was food, of one variety or other. So now, I have to re-invent myself new treats, real, effective and motivating, otherwise it will effectively be impossible to get to the point of long term weight maintenance because whenever I need to "treat myself, I will be going back to food. The realisation of that last night shocked me. I could not get over it and being unable to deal with the consequences of that truth, I turned to you-know-what. I went to bed in shock and in total despair.
This morning, I woke up desperate to find a miracle way out of the impasse. I have come up with one thing: I can still have food as a treat, but in moderation and at intervals. For example, I can have a day a week when I can treat myself to anything I like. Do I trust myself with this? At the moment, No.
So what's next? Do I continue? Do I start looking for things or activities I can honestly call "treats"? Do I keep on my LL journey blindly, hoping someone will provide an answer to my Big Issue? I'm scared to give up and in the hope that I will find other "treats" for the hard times, I am pressing on.

Not the best of updates, I know, but this is where my head is at present.

 

[slendablenda]

Hello Evianne
Please don't despair. If you've had one lapse in a week, ok you
would prefer it hadn't happened, but it still means that 6 days out of 7 and for most of the seventh - you had control and you stuck to the programme.
Well done.
Our LLC told us that we had learnt our pattern of behaviour over many years using food either a comfort or a reward etc.
So we couldn't expect to change that behaviour overnight.

It took me a long time to get my head around thinking of other things as treats because my whole world had revolved around food since I was a child. I decided I wanted to be a cook when I was about 11-12.
I watched Junior Masterchef on the BBC i player the other night. I was glued to it. I could so relate to those young people and recognise myself in there. I became a good cook and hostess, I had my own restaurant at one point and did catering for weddings and parties etc. All my friends came to me for cooking
advice. Somehow I felt it legitimised my obsession with food and allowed me to eat and eat and eat.
Thankfully my wake up call came a couple of years ago when I decided to do LL. Up to that point I had always said life was too short not to enjoy eating and drinking, but I did it over the top.

Being in abstinence gave me the opportunity to evaluate my whole relationship with food and after that my whole relationship with everything else in my life. I have to tell you Evianne I am much happier with myself and less angry and frustrated with life now than I have been for many many years.

If you really want it you will be successful.
Good luck.
Sorry for the rambling. Your post just struck a chord with me.
I used to go to sleep and wake up with that feeling of desperation and hope I would wake up slim one day - and I did -after a year of hard work!

 

[evianne]

Thanks for that Slendablenda, I admire you and what you have achieved. I wish I was stronger than I sometimes am and right now I am having another big crisis, all triggered by high stress levels (and procrastination, an ever growing to-do list and general despair).
I feel I am less than an hour away from the next lapse and I would normally not even dare put this down but I do for posteriority. I cannot find anything at pesent to bring me back to calm or "normal" as I have been used to. What is this all about? I am so tired of fighting it and then when I give up the fight and have a lapse, I get all fired up to get going, until the next lapse.
I am not so sure how this will develop but will keep posting.

 

[yoyo-ohno]

Hi Evianne,
Sounds like you are having a tough time getting through this ... I know its tough, especially the second time round. I wish I had the answer for you What seems to be working for me at the minute is really focussing on why I'm doing this. 5 weeks ago, I was in despair. All my clothes were bursting at the seams, my face was really bloated, i felt really unfit & ugly. I don't want to be that person.
You say you felt on top of the world when you lost weight last year - you know you can do it Dig deep, take nice baths, have a manicure, pedicure ... anything to distract you from food
I hope you find a way of getting through this
yoyo
xx

 

[evianne]

hi yo yo
thank you so much for your good advice, I've read some of your input in other threads and can identify with so many of you.
I am clear on one thing: this to me is not about the way I look alone, not even primarily about it. This to me is about equilibrium, about knowing what place in my life food occupies and about limits, balance and measure. For many years, without knowing how much I am damaging my future, I have been giving more and more power to food over my freedom/health. I thought I was treating myself (in the moment) but all I was doing was harming myself, giving in to a degenerative desease called compulsive/addictive overeating. I now realise it, especially at moments like this, when I spend last evening doing exactly that and realise there is no more than a momentary comfort in this well established habit of mine, then numbness so I don't get to feel the overwhelm of all the things that wait to be completed by me (and me only), followed by despair that once again I was not free -or wise enough- to make a healthy self-respecting, self-loving choice.
Treats can be many things, I know, and in the past they have been. Instant gratification is the big temptress in this battle, and the fact that my mind literally "blocks", like a gear shift that gets stuck, to the crooked thought that lures me: "eat and the discomfort and overwhelm will go away".
I know this is a long term issue and as an addiction, it will be with me for life, but what I hope is that my coping and managing mechanisms will get better and better and there will come the point where I will be able to make the right truly free choice for my health and my best interest, of eating to live well rather than eating to numb myself from the pains of life, the boredom, laziness and all the critical parent thoughts that automatically crop up in the difficult moments of life.
I hope this type of thinking makes sense to you all, I do not want to go back edit things because I need to be able to come back to this thread and see what I am thinking raw as it is, without dressing it up or beautifying it.
So, two lapses in the second week of refreshers, this is what I have to tackle now, and use it as my learning curve (which we sometimes do not choose) and make it work for me. The more I delve into what happened before during and after these lapses, the more I learn out of them. This may need to be a necessary stage for MY trip through this 2nd time round, so there will not be a 3rd...

Ex

 

[evianne]

13 days in today...

I am now almost wrapping up 2nd week of refreshers and tomorrow will be D-day for the lapses that are now behind me. I am still shaky from them, and the fact that there were 2 of them in a week. I need to look ahead though, so will endeavour to do just that. The internal workings of my brain and emotions are still beyond comprehension, so I am trying to learn and keep record of everything.

Thought records are put down thick and fast, as are diaries, quiet time away from too much commotion. I still feel weak, like I want to devour the world. I know some of it is hunger but some ought to be my psychological triggers.
I am not looking forward to WI not for the WI itself but the disappointment that ensues with the meeting afterwards. Nothing like first time round, when there was structure, sharing, a good group that was there each week, home activity reviewed and good talk amongst us, always led by a great LLC. This time round, different LLC, different style: a chit chat that can just be about one of us and can cover any subject, very loosely linked with LL and the actual CBT and TA work. Not much by way of sharing of the weekly activity work (most do not do it) so little to give the boost I have been used to and counted on the first time round. I am considering travelling a bit further to get to a different LLC now...

But of course, at the end of it all, it is just between me and my inner self, this is where the battle will be fought.

The positive thing about re-visiting LL is that I do not add to the weight and ensuing problems but subtract from it and make myself healthier outside and hopefully inside, which is giving me all the resistance at the moment. One minute I'm fine, the next I 'm craving stuff I have criminalised already! I know that this type of roller coaster is impossible to sustain for long; it is eroding the modicum of willpower I have put together to start LL again. Could this be the wrong time, could I be not really ready for it???

I'm rambling again and I need to get on with it, stop focusing at how deprived I feel; I need to get over this one somehow.
Reading other people's posts in here does help a lot, so many are so insightful, especially when they talk about their internal journey. Thanks all, I am getting lots of support in here. :grouphugg:
PS. I need to rethink my targets a bit so have removed them from the signature until I am not clear on them.

 

[yoyo-ohno]

Hi E
I deliberately did not do a refresher group as, having experienced them before, found that they didn't offer the same support as a foundation group.
So I'm back with my orginal LLC and in a lovely group with 1 other returner & lots of newbies. If I were you I'd shop around & find a group where you can get the support you need
FYI I had a bit of a battle with my demons last night I just wanted some crisps or nibbles - I know i didn't need them & wasn't in the least bit hungry but just felt deprived cos i wanted them! I managed not to give in to the demons but know that it is only because i am in abstinence. My biggest fear is how i will keep that willpower when I am back eating covnentional food.
I hope that RTM will help me achieve this healthy balance - I need to break my binge or abstinence cycle
Good luck for the WI ...let us know
yoyo
xx

 

[evianne]

Thanks yoyo, I will check around for a more suitable group and perhaps LLC, once the 4 week set I've committed to is complete (after next week, today is my 3rd WI).
I agree, it does not feel the same as foundation or developers and something tells me there will be resistance by some LLCs if I ask to join another foundation group. We'll see, I'll keep everyone posted.
Truth be told, I'm deeper in it than I thought and the good outcome during first week has almost certainly been undone this week, has almost been impossible to rein in the internal revolt of my rebelious child on no less than 3 occasions now. I'm overwhelmed with a huge to-do list as well and this is the excuse for my brain to give me leeway to be lax with food, how stupid is this, after so much work and soul searching ...!
Let's see what this week brings ...
Ex

 

[MagdaX]

I kinda have the same problem E!
My LLC seems to be more interested in getting more clients on her books than actually running my group!
I'm on week 5 (starting week 6 after tonight) and my original group doesn't exsist anymore. Every week there's more new people joining which I wouldn't mind but because of that we seem to not moving on with the journey. I'm on week 6 and they have just started. Each week at the meeting I have to go through the whole introduce myself etc pilava. I'm really not happy because at this stage we should be doing the CBT bit. At the end of the day it's a major part of the program and it goes hand in hand with the diet. I'd even dare to say it's more important than the diet...
I think I'm going to have a chat about my concerns with my LLC tonight. If it doesn't improve I may have to shop around. £70 a week is a lot of money and I simply want to get what I'm paying for.
Good luck with your journey E!

 

[evianne]

Things not going well...

I'm with you on this Magiclove, and well done you for sticking to the process with less than great support from the LLC. I have not managed as well, so have had several lapses this past week.:ashamed0005: I need to make sense of it all and go back to it because I know I want to and this time I am not cutting any slack on anyone. :sigh:

I am going to give it a last shot tomorrow with another group (same LLC), to see whether another group actually does things beyond life stories. The CBT and TA stuff is the reason I am going for LL quite clearly, it would not make sense otherwise with the cost being what it is. If it does not work, I am going to be moving LLCs; thankfully I have a couple I can go to, being in London.

Keep up the great work so we can all be inspired, especially now some of us need it the most.

 

[evianne]

:sighisastrous week, the day I was due to go in, car broke down in public parking area and the stress of having no car, lots of errands and no means of transport to do anything took its toll.
I have put the LL journey on hold until I have a car again (cannot access LL easily from where I am, probably over an hour's trip each way with public transport). I have also had a bit of a crisis on the work front (looking for work and getting more and more frustrated... long story) and certain family issues are ever so frustrating, with recent escalating problems appearing.
I do not know if financially I can last that long before getting back to work and the LL cost vs. say exante is considerably higher, over double in fact, so one more reason to resent the lack of support by my LLC...
At times, everything seems to be presenting itself as an obstacle, and though none of these issues are directly food related, to a chronic emotional eater, they end up being just that....
I am hoping to get back on track soon, but do not find a need to beat myself up about it as the "anti-force" is far too strong at present...:break_diet:

 

[slendablenda]

Sorry this has happened for you now Evianne. Come back whenever you are ready. You've already made a good start.
Good luck with al those issues.