The diary of a spod.

I odnt know if he is asleep or not, I shut the bedroom door so I wouldnt disturb him with my sobbing. I have heard him wandering to the bathroom and back a couple of times so I would imaging he isnt sleeping so well. Cant help him unfortunately.

I hope it does get easier. Will make the most of the heartbreak diet tho! I know I will be happy again but its a lot of effort to start from scratch - he has it easy, a v. well paid job in the country he wants to be in, somewhere nice to live. I have to start from scratch finding a job, somewhere to live etc. I am so tired, I need to get my fight back and use it for me this time.

And think it should be 'fought' not 'faught'! god my spelling gets worse when i am emotional.

xx
 
spod said:
I odnt know if he is asleep or not, I shut the bedroom door so I wouldnt disturb him with my sobbing. I have heard him wandering to the bathroom and back a couple of times so I would imaging he isnt sleeping so well. Cant help him unfortunately.

I hope it does get easier. Will make the most of the heartbreak diet tho! I know I will be happy again but its a lot of effort to start from scratch - he has it easy, a v. well paid job in the country he wants to be in, somewhere nice to live. I have to start from scratch finding a job, somewhere to live etc. I am so tired, I need to get my fight back and use it for me this time.

And think it should be 'fought' not 'faught'! god my spelling gets worse when i am emotional.

xx
Click to expand...

Missus, its nearly four in the morning, your side of the world, spelling is the least of your worries, you really should try to switch of pc and get some sleep, lie down, shut your eyes try to focus on something positive (i know this will be hard) like your healthy, your slimmer, you've good friends and family, they're just a few suggestions :p
 
Thanks Lily, will try and do the sleep thing. Wont be going in to work tomorrow I dont think. Cant see how I can. Got to tell my parents, think they might be back tomorrow, I hope so, need to get it over and done with.

Thanks for keeping me company.
Have a good rest and good luck with the doctor tomorrow. Hope you get yourself sorted.

xx
 
spod said:
Thanks Lily, will try and do the sleep thing. Wont be going in to work tomorrow I dont think. Cant see how I can. Got to tell my parents, think they might be back tomorrow, I hope so, need to get it over and done with.

Thanks for keeping me company.
Have a good rest and good luck with the doctor tomorrow. Hope you get yourself sorted.

xx
Click to expand...

Take care, I'll prob be about tomorrow meself if your about xx :gen126:
 
I probably will be...!

xx
 
(((((hugs))))) from me, kept trying to pop in to see how you were from work today( mad shift!) so hope you are managing to sleep. Just been reading through and it might be helpful if you get all the angry stuff out. Know from bitter experience that it will eat you up and burst out at some point. You could maybe try writing it all down. Not to send it to him, just to get it out of your head. Burn it afterwards. Your anger is valid and important. Hope you are sleeping well hen. Thinking of you xxxxxx
 
Thanks Janey and Clarri.

I managed to sleep for 30 minutes before the alarm went off. Think I would have kept sleeping if it hadnt, but now I am awake again. Wondered where I was when I woke up then it hit me again.

We spoke briefly this morning and again by text when he had left for work. He's not happy with this either, I havent seen him so upset in a long time. I have a feeling he is doing this partially as a if you love someone let them go thing. He has masses of emotional issues and feels he cant love me how he should etc. but thats me reading between the lines of what he is saying.

I am not going in today I am still crying on and off (more on than off) I feel physically sick and I am shaking. He says its cos of sleep deprivation which it probably is, but I am so not tired at the moment. Will try and sleep when the cleaning lady has gone.

Looking on the bright side?? The trousers I am wearing that used to tight are now pretty massive.

He's organising my plane ticket home and says he will transfer the amount I was getting paid here from his salary until I get a job, which I think is considerate of him because he knows I cant afford to go home otherwise.

Have decided that is what I am going to do for definite. Staying here would just prolong the agony of when I did decide to go home I think it would be harder. Havent told my family yet, but have told a couple of friends who have both offered me a place to crash if I go back to the area I lived in before (my parents are about 200 miles from there). Feel like such a mess. Wish the cleaning lady would go away, she is lovely, speaks no English but knows something is up and is trying to be nice. Just want to be on my own in the apartment.

xx
 
I think you have made the best decision for you at the moment. So important to be where you feel safe and secure. Its so heartbreaking, I know that. The pain will ease, just a bugger that it takes time. You will be grieving for a wee bit and it will be hard but I truely believe you have the strength to do that. You're still raw, hurt and in shock. Theres a sort of numb calm that comes sometimes, I remember that well. So important that you sleep Megan. It will keep you physically and mentally strong. xxxx
 
(((hug))) I better get to bed myself. Hope the sleep comes soon for you Megan. My thoughts are with you xxxxxxxx
 
Thanks Janey. Will try to sleep later, really cant at the moment. What I really want is for this to work out and for him to hug me and tell me its all ok etc etc. I literally feel as if my heart has been torn in two, I have never felt this bad before. Cant imagine my life without him. We have been together for 4 years and hardly ever been apart (physically that is, mentally is a whole different story) its been so intense, I feel like I have lost part of me. In the space of 6 months I have lost my whole family unit - my cats and my husband. I have nothing left of our marriage and our life together - its now memories and literally 6 boxes at my parents house and the v few things we have here.

How long does it take to stop the feelings of grief? Its stupid - no one has died and yet those are the feelings I have.

He keeps texting me saying that he is sorry and how he wishes it wasnt like this. I have asked him then why it has to be, its his decision. He knows I dont our marriage to end, I just want the way it is at the moment to end. I am so confused.

Sorry, probably waffling now. Head is spinning and I dont know what to do / say.
xx
 
Janey2004 said:
(((hug))) I better get to bed myself. Hope the sleep comes soon for you Megan. My thoughts are with you xxxxxxxx
Click to expand...


Sleep well Janey and thank you.
xx
 
Just been out for what has to be the worst meal ever in the history of the world. Not the food, but the akwardness of it all. 2 of OH's collegues invited me out for lunch, we have been out previously, so it wasnt that unusual. They are both distraught (and that is the best word to discribe it) when my OH told them this morning. Apparently they had been sent as the committee in charge of keeping me in the area and not going home, the Chinese dont tend to show their feelings much but these two certainly did...

The company my OH works for have offered me a job in recruiting teachers from UK / USA / Oz to come and work at their schools. I would get to travel and go to universities (so I would get the opportunity to my family / friends in the UK). There is a meeting later this week and the job description will be sorted out and basically the job is mine if I want it.

Thing is, I dont know. I would have to live in Shanghai (I dont know anyone there or the area), its only 90 mins to the area I live in now, so I can see my friends here. The pay is good, the working conditions are good and I could save an awful lot of money, which would set me up in later life.

Do I want to be there? Do I want to be in such close contact with my OH working for the same company? I know we are staying friends, but I dont want to see him with anyone else etc.

Do I really want to go back to teaching in the UK? What the f*ck do I actually want to do with my life? Before the China job came up I was contemplating doing something with plants and gardening. I really dont know what I want to do. I think I just want a quiet life at the moment, but I was so bored of that before. I always get bored so easily I dont know what is wrong with me. (bl**dy gemini - so fickle)

The world is my oyster but I dont know what I want to do with this great big oyster I suddenly got given yesterday.

What a dilemma...

xx
 
The world is your oyster, but that doesn't mean you have to rush out and do everything at once. You have a lot of options, but you don't have to make a decision immediately. But you do have to make a decision about whats best for you.

Hope you get some sleep tonight.

(((Megan)))

~Silence~
 
hey honey. i'm so sorry i haven't been around. i've just been doing some catching up and i want to send you a massive hug and loads of love. this must be incredibly difficult for both of you.

i agree that you must do what is best for you. did you enjoy teaching in the uk? if you were considering going into something else were you sick of teaching? if you were then going back to the uk to do a job you were sick of may not be the best idea.

you don't have to rush into any decisions regarding jobs etc. make sure you get the comfort and the support that you need right now, although it sounds like you may get more support from your chinese friends than you anticipated.

feel free to pm me for a chat or a rant whenever you like babes. i really hope you are managing to get some sleep today.

loads of love hon.

abz xx
 
Agree with Silence there. Give yourself time to grieve. Its a loss, you naturally grieve for any loss. Have you any annual leave due to you? Maybe some distance from things for a wee bit might help. Hope you got some sleep(feel like I'm nagging a bit about that, sorry) Just know myself how lack of sleep can affect a person. xxxx
 
Havent managed to get any sleep at all, the builders in the upstairs apartments have been banging.

Its got a whole lot worse this afternoon. OH has PTSD and had it really badly last year however it has changed him (understandably) anyway, he came home from work early (has gone for a massage now cos his back is still screwed) and we were talking and its basically come out that he wants me to leave partially because he doesnt feel the same any more about anything, me included, and the other part is because he feels so worthless and thinks I deserve better and to be happy and I would be happier without him. I feel so much worse knowing that. I dont want him to be on his own, coming home to an empty apartment etc. hes going to be so lonely and yet he is punishing himslef for something that isnt his fault and there is nothing I can do to help him.

My flight is booked and I leave on Wednesday. God knows how i am going to cope with saying goodbye. I dont think I can do it.
 
I can understand why you are worried about him. PTSD is a hard thing to cope with. Hope he is getting the right help with that.
Put yourself first for a bit Megan though. You are coping with something just as difficult.
 
Flight and coach is booked. Feel like such a mess and I dont want to leave him being so upset because its just adding to everything and it makes it seem so much worse that its not 100% what he wants but feels he should do it. I have never seen him in such a mess and it really upsets me because all I want to do is take away the pain and the anguish he has.
I love him so much, issues and all and the glimpse of the original husband has been seen this evening which just reminds me of what we have lost.

God, what a mess.

xx
 
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