The end of the line, or the beginning of a new life?

[Awaken Me]

That is brilliant news, you obviously made an impression. I really hope you get that interview and the job.

I also get quite defensive about Cambridge but I have begun to feel a little more comfortable telling my wider group of friends. No one at work knows (I work with a bunch of guys), it is quite easy to hide it, there are no vending machines etc, nobody really brings any goodies in and I just go out every lunchtime. And although it is pretty evident I’ve lost a lot of weight they don’t really say anything – maybe they know I’ll just feel embarrassed.

How are you finding the bars?

 

[honeykiss]

Hi White Tulip,

I have just read your Diary from the start and just wanted to say what a wonderful funny warm person you come across as through your posts. You are doing so well on CD congratulations on the WL so far.

Wendy x

 

[White Tulip]

Awaken Me - I love the bars. Tried them all and was a bit scared I couldn't stick to 1 a day but seem to have that sorted and I haven't had a problem. I have only had 2 or 3 in a week in the past but this week I've had one nearly every lunchtime. I know they are a bit higher in carbs so I'll see how WI goes on Sunday.

honeykiss - :thankyou:

the main guy who interviewed me rang me back as he'd promised to. He said he couldn't contact the recruiting manager of this other job and thought he was probably out on the road. He said he'd looked at the job spec. against my application he had already and 'strongly advised' me to apply. I'll apply, the interviews aren't until 5 weeks today but even if I get an interview that is great - he said he will talk to him early next week. I sat thinking - right, 5 weeks, I reckon I can get another stone off by then

I'm having to keep a check of myself. Whenever I go on a diet I get a bit obsessed with ebay. I keep wanting to buy stuff in a size 24 but that's my normal 'trick' and many times I've never got to the next size down - hence so many clothes already! I don't really want to buy 26's as I kind of feel I'm just about there. I've bought 2 tunics and a skirt so far. I really mustn't buy anything else for a while as I already have stuff I've bought in various sizes that I've never worn

 

[White Tulip]

Well, weekend wardrobe 'shuffle' is complete for another week 3 or 4 bits onto the discarded pile (I have nearly 2 bags worth now!) and a couple of bits are 'promoted' to the main wardrobe I have 3 or 4 items which are teetering on fitting and so they will hopefully be promoted next weekend or the one after. I got rid of a couple of skirts which now fit but they never suited me to start with (long A line, really emphasised my hips ) and I'd kept them as a bit of a security blanket because even though they looked awful, they at least fit. Well, I don't need them now, I have clothes that fit and look better and lots of other stuff in smaller sizes to eventually take their place

Now for the shock news............I got my Wii out!!

I finally found the motivation to (literally) dust it off. I did 10 minutes aerobic games yesterday and 5 minutes balance and then today 10 minutes yoga and 5 minutes balance games. I've not used it much since having it and so I'm on beginner level on everything.

The 3 minutes 'jog' did me in and I would call it more of a 'march' than a 'jog'

I'd like to try to do 15 minutes a day. Even that sounds like a challenge to me as I despise exercise but I'm going to try.

 

[minusfour]

Good on you for the excercise, a great habit to get in to, especially for maintaining weight. Congratulations also on the interview results, you would have to feel pretty chuffed at that! I'm really enjoying reading about your days. Have a good one!

 

[Aaleigha]

I am so glad the exercise bug has hit
I so wished I had a wii - I am sure I would use it on non work days but dont have one - might be tempted to get myself one for xmas when I should be a lot fitter and hopefully smaller and I can use it to KEEP it off

 

[White Tulip]

Not sure I will keep up the exercise, I know myself too well but I will try to keep going as often as I can even if I just do lots of balance games at least it is activity and better than sitting at the computer.

5 pounds off this week So a total of 44 pounds or 3 stone 2 in 7 weeks. Very happy. My CDC has said I am an inspiration to her , she hasn't been a CDC very long and she's also a good friend so I hope I'm inspiring her in her new role as much as she is inspiring and supporting me.

Bought my 3 stone bead As I promised myself, it is the Live, Love, Laugh bead. I thought when I first started CD that I would buy it for 3 stone (I didn't think i'd get there!) as it's 3 important words for living life and 3 words to symbolise 3 stone.

For 3.5 stone I am going to buy an emerald coloured birthstone bead as I was born in May and for 4 stone something music related as I played the flute to a really high level until I was 19, gave it up and only recently re-bought a cheap one. My music used to be very important to me and I want a symbol of that.

 

[minusfour]

Congratulations, that is an enormous amount of weight to have lost, it is an inspiration indeed! Enjoy your Live, Love, Laugh bead, a great idea!

 

[Awaken Me]

You're brilliant..end of story and must feel fantastic. And your CDC is right you are an inspiration

Well done on dusting off the wii. As a fellow exerciseophobe I feel your pain but I have started doing Zumba again which is basically 20 minutes of dancing. I also have the Tracy Anderson (her of Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow fame) Mat Workout DVD, although I don't do the whole workout mainly the standing abs and arm sections (this is killer).

Love the idea of the beads. I wish I had thought of something at the beginning not just £50 for each stone so I could blow it all on clothes at the end. Hmmm I have toyed with the idea of getting a tattoo when I reached goal but not sure what or even where.

Have a great day - I'm off to watch F1.

 

[White Tulip]

I had never heard of Zumba until a couple of weeks ago - it looks amazing but very fast!!

I still think you are going to beat me to 20 stone, but the race is on

The beads are only cheap to be honest - this one was £2 but I don't have a lot of spare cash and I'm not really into stuff like treating myself to a pedicure/manicure/facial beauty type stuff.

I have a tattoo What I would say is really, really think about the design. It must really mean something to you, something that can never change. When I had mine done, a young girl was having a large Sylvester and Tweety Pie done in the middle of her back, copied from a greetings card. It looked great, art wise but I just thought she could well regret it. When I had mine done (I then had it extended 2 years ago), a group of us had it done and one person was quite conservative in life generally and she didn't know what to have done. She had a baby Bugs Bunny on her shoulder and I really think she just picked something random rather than something with meaning.

Where I now am is tempered with a little sadness. When I joined SW in 2004, I was 20 stone 9. Only 1 pound more than now. I got down to 16 stone 6 and then plateaued and gave up. I kind of feel that whilst I'm saying 'yayyyyyy, 3 stone 2 off', I'm thinking - but look how huge you were when you started SW, you are really only there at the moment.

No, I will be positive. I have today walked for 25 minutes with my dog, done 10 minutes Wii Yoga and 5 minutes Wii fit balance games. I couldn't do that 7 weeks ago. If I can lose (say) another 21-25 pounds in the next 7 weeks, I will be feeling even better physically.

 

[kellierocks]

tulip, i understand what you are saying.
I just wanted to let you know that you are not just losing weight, you are dealing with life, becoming more confident and are inspiring others like me. You are more than your weight. Personally I feel my weight is a symptom of my problem not the cause, and only by dealing with the cause (emotional eating) can I lose weight.

You keep on going- we're all behind you.

 

[White Tulip]

Thankyou so much kellie. What I am trying to do this time which is different to every other diet I've started and failed after whatever amount of time I've been on it is to try to re-wire my brain with regards to habits and emotions. Every emotion in the past has triggered me to eat as a comfort blanket to block the pain.

I read Mike Scott's (icemoose) website as often as I can and I've got a book he recommends coming from Amazon. I am now firmly looking to learn new habits in life, even if they are small ones as they are still often associated in some way with food.

I know the exact reason behind why I started to eat and until recently had never heard of a similar story. I was tall and skinny until I was 13. If anyone saw Sally Morgan's Big Fat Operation documentary (she's a TV psychic who had weight loss surgery) she showed photos of her as an adult weighing 7 stone.

She said that in her early 30s she was told her Dad wasn't her natural father and it devastated her. The same thing happened to me. At 13 I was told that my Dad (who is really lovely) wasn't my natural father. He'd left my Mum in 1969 when she found out she was pregnant and said to either have an abortion or have me adopted. My mum refused so they split. She met and married my 'Dad' when I was 2 and they have 3 children, my brother and 2 sisters. I had a very 'Enid Blyton' moralistic upbringing and even in the early 80s this wasn't hugely common.

I was only told it seems because a relative was threatening to tell me. I was told it in hushed tones and made to feel like I was some shameful secret. It was swept under the carpet and nothing ever mentioned again. From that day I felt such shock and bewilderment and had nobody to talk to as it felt that it was all so shameful about being so unwanted by him. I kept it in and turned to food. I never spoke to my Mum about it until briefly about 6 weeks ago when I needed a birth document. She said she thought I didn't want to talk about it, I said I didn't think she wanted to talk about it. Not much more was said than that but it still hurts now. When I first found out, my nanna showed me a photo of him and asked if I wanted it. I was so embarrassed I said 'no'. I had to go to a family funeral about 2 years ago and went to see my nanna. She's elderly and frail now and I just thought - I have to do this because eventually that photo may 'disappear' when she is no longer with us, so I asked if she had the photo. She did and I now have it. I know his name and apparently he used to ask another relative about me where he lives. Apparently I even have other half sisters and brothers.....I felt so overcome by it all I cried, but I really don't think I can ever talk it through with my Mum. i'd never try to find him because it would hurt my Mum and Dad too much even though I would just like to see him in the flesh once.

This is the crux to my eating and whilst children being born to different fathers and the many different family set ups we now have being the norm, it really wasn't when I was a teenager and I felt such shame and embarrassment. I guess it has also shaped my relationships with men in that I'd always been a peacekeeper, taken the responsibility for everything, providing for them and not wanted to rock the boat - in case they left me.

It was a good job I watched the Sally Morgan documentary alone because I sobbed when she told her story, it was weird, I almost knew what she was going to say before she started.

Rambled there.......sorry.......but that's why I got so overweight....

 

[Aaleigha]

being able to talk about your situation is going to help
I think you have been very very brave as a child and into adulthood

as for your exercise you are doing fantastically and I think do what you want when you want and you will be fine

your weight loss has been phenomenal and yes you are an inspiration

 

[kellierocks]

tulip- have yo considered seeing a counsellour? this should have been offered to you at the time.

I cannot even begin to imagine how it feels to find out something like that. But the way in which you were told- unacceptable! I am so angry at these people in your life. It definately is something you should talk about, as you get your head around, not simply the information, but what the young you went through because of other people's actions- which put their own needs first rather than focusing on you, when you needed it. Remember you were the child, you should have been asked (and not just once) if you wanted to talk about it, if you had questions.The person you are should have been reaffirmed.

Thank you for sharing

 

[White Tulip]

tulip- have yo considered seeing a counsellour? this should have been offered to you at the time.

hi - no,nothing was offered, I doubt counselling was really around in the early 80s but it was all such a 'don't want to tell her but feel we have to 'situation that it was all just swept under the carpet. I guess things are very different now with how these situations are handled.

The skirt I bought from ebay arrived. Literally falling off me which is both and as I can't send it back. Shame, as it's a lovely beige moleskin skirt but even though I like wearing skirts on my hips rather than waist and I like them very long, this was touching the floor if I wore on my hips and was around 6 inches too big for my waist!!

Oh well, it only cost a couple of quid.

I was reading some of icemoose's website the other day about even if the weight is lost, that doesn't automatically guarantee happiness and an exciting life. I am the kind of person who needs to be mentally stimulated quite a bit at work etc and I sat this morning thinking how dull my job is and how being slim would affect this?? The truth is, it wouldn't and my life in the evenings and weekends isn't going to be magically amazing just because I lose weight.

I'd never really thought about this before and I think I need to set myself some challenges which are outside weight loss but keep me mentally active and stop boredom setting in, which in the past has turned into eating 'for something to do'. Obviously life can't turn into a whirlwind of excitement because that isn't reality and isn't sustainable but I need to find a better balance than I currently have. I've signed up to do a bookkeeping course from September so that's a good start.

 

[minusfour]

Thank you for sharing your story with us. (I need to think about it now, which sadly is never a quick process!)
Your name is well chosen, because it seems like you are opening up, or unfolding, just like a flower in front of us. I'm Australian, and here the tulip bulbs are just starting to poke through the suface. (Except in the pot which my cat likes to sit on in the morning- nothing happening there!)

 

[White Tulip]

The story behind my name is a little and a little awkward to admit in that there is someone who likes me who said he would liked to have bought me 20 White Tulips for Valentine's Day (there was an email going round at the time about flowers and their meanings, I can't remember why he chose white tulips!!) and it touched me as a nice thought. He isn't someone I would ever be in a relationship with (married, children etc) but the thought just stayed with me when I was choosing my name. Shouldn't really admit that because he's married but I just felt flattered.

The Cognitive Behaviour Therapy book recommended by icemoose has arrived and I'm really going to try to read it all as I often start a book and never finish it.

It is this one, I'll let you all know how it is as I read it.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy: Your Route Out of Perfectionism, Self-sabotage and Other Everyday Habits: Amazon.co.uk: Avy Joseph: Books

 

[leeds123]

ah, that hit a nerve! i blame my weight issues on my childhood. parents have a lot to answer for i can tell you. i just pray and hope that i can break free from chidhood traumas and move on, but its so hard isnt it? thanks for sharing!

 

[minusfour]

I'll be interested to hear what you think of the book. I've certainly learnt a lot about myself, and others, by reading.
Valantines Day is in summer here, nary a tulip to be seen, I'd never realised you would have different flowers. (With different seasons to us)
Hope you are having a good one!

 

[White Tulip]

yes, a good one today really. Nice day (apart from having to go to work!)

Heard myself think 'can I be bothered to do wii', gave myself a kick and did 15 minutes including 6 boxing and I think 5 (or 6) on the step aerobics. Did some balance games to get me up to 15 minutes and it unlocked a focus on a flame balance game whilst sitting on the wii which was a nice calm way to end.

Unlocked 'free step' and it starts at 10 minutes so I might be brave and try 10 minutes of stepping tomorrow and then some balance games.

The book is good. I really recognise myself in the negative and destructive habits it talks about. I have always been afraid to make mistakes in life and I can really 'get' the book. I've even done the written exercises it has in it and after being on minimins today I'm going to read a bit more.