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The funniest post of the day

#1
#2
Easy!

" it would be quite scary if they (penguins) could fly.. arent they a bit big to fly? that would be like ostriches flying.. someone told me chickens can fly.. but i just dont know.. ive never seen one fly..

x x x"

Posted by Kitteh on the GMTV spoof thread. I mean ... what??!!!! :eek::D:D:D
 
#3
I nominate another Kitteh one - same thread.

seagulls are getting bigger.. was talking about this with my mate the other.. seriously. they could carry a small child you know.. just swoop and be off with them..

Warning to all parents.. when you see a seagul.. keep tight a hold of your child..


The visual I have at the moment has me almost in tears :rotflmao:
 

BIG BIRDY

Silver Member
#6
seems pertinent!
A long joke....

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.' So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (Ya think!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees (cold wax, yeah, right).

I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin tight and pull.

It works! Okay, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-Rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.

I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my 'hoo-hoo' and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself.....RRRRIIIIIPPPPP!!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!! OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!!!

Another deep breath and RRIIPP!!! Everything is whirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums???

Breath, breathe...okay, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.

CRAP!!! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

DANG!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. 'Hoo hoo'?? sealed shut! Butt?? sealed shut! I penguin-walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself, 'please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!!! Hot water melts wax!!

I decide to run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, then immerse the wax-covered bits so that the water can melt it and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub.in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, does not melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months earlier to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter.


'So, my butt and hoo-hoo are glued together to the bottom of the tub!!' There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'are we talking cheeks or hoo-hoo?'

I can hear her laughing out loud by now. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH RIGHT!!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super-hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counselling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace...the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. IT WORKS!!! It works!!!

I get a hearty congratulations from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my despair...THE HAIR IS STILL THERE...ALL OF IT!!!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair colour...

__________________
Lesly Moore
Cambridge Counsellor for over 21 years
North West Kent
 


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