The Highs and Lows of Development

Well, I've finally done it. After 2 months and 1 week of swinging high and then low and then high again - and *never* updating my tracker to reflect this, after weigh in at the start of the week, I've gone from 93lb loss to this.
It's soul destroying, it really is.
This is what happens when you fall off too quickly. Management is now a temporary rescue strategy, which believe me, I know is probably the most rubbish strategy of them all. I'm having a weird old time right now, but I'm still here. I'm still learning. I'm still doing the best I can right now. And overall, I'm still very committed to getting to goal. However long it takes.
Hope everyone is having a good week. I actually feel better for updating my tracker. I've always been strangely fond of my tracker!!
:D
 
Hia Tiger Girl,

I've gone from 93lb loss to this. (77lbs loss).

Hmmm, this sounds familier to me because I too have gained 15 lbs from being at goal. I cancelled my tracker ages ago when 'tidying up', so maybe I should make a new one?

Anyway, look at it this way, you have still lost 77lbs - a fantastic achievement.

but I'm still here. I'm still learning. I'm still doing the best I can right now

During my struggles to stop putting on and somehow managing to fail miserably, I, like you have not given up. I have gone 'back to basics' and resurrected the 'food and mood diary'. I have made notes about all my tricky times of the day, you know, when the nagging itch for food begins to get more insistant and demanding and somehow, I find reasons to give in...

My notes helped me to focus on what was driving me to sabotage myself. I also wrote down strategies I could use for the various different scenarios. I went into the "Bring your Head Inside and your Body Will Follow" threads and browsed around, getting ideas and inspiration from past posts - highly recommend you do this too. Basically, I did a lot of writing and planning.

What I have found is that the first day was really hard. The voices and the desire to act on the desire was very strong, and I felt uncomfortable and somewhat p***d off. However, I read through all the notes I'd made, knuckled down and worked through it.

Sure enough, the next day I felt enormous relief that I'd stayed strong and committed. At this point the day just got more difficult and the crooked thoughts attacked me with gusto. My notes were a huge help and I was able to use them to focus again. And again, Karion's wonderful advice just because you have the DESIRE you don't have to ACT on it, just ACCEPT that you have it came back to me. So, here I am, still focused and following my food plan and filling in the diary. Oh yes, I mentioned 'plan'.

PLAN, PLAN AND PLAN AGAIN!

I realised that some of the times I made bad food choices was because of a lack of planning. In the short term, having a planned strategy and having planned menus for all scenarios, has been useful to keep me on track during the early days.

I'm still very committed to getting to goal. However long it takes.

I firmly believe that you, like me, will not allow this 'blip' to lead to you gaining back all the weight you've lost (a massive 77lbs!). It is a difficult and painful lesson which we both WILL learn, and learn well.
The hardest part will be initially getting 'back to basics'. Even after only a few days being back on track, I am reaping the benefits, and each day I get a bit stronger and the crooked thoughts get a bit weaker. I have not weighed myself and will not until the end of October. The next big challenge is a weeks holiday in Greece (Kos) on the 13th of October. Fingers crossed. I remember this time last year I went to Majorca SSing!


I actually feel better for updating my tracker

You've got me thinking, perhaps I should make a new one ....

Good luck Tiger Girl!
AmandaJayne
 
Thanks so much for your support JDI - I'm rooting for you too and those teeny tiny 2.5lbs to go :D

Thanks also AJ for such a detailed post, and putting so much thought into it. At the minute this is what I think is going on;

When I started, it was all about the practicalities. Foundation was all about practical strategies for dodging those tricky situations. I was a perfect student and 100% abstinent and I dropped 5st on the nose. It was a study in how to do Foundation. I was at class every week. I wrote everything down. Did my homework every week. Joined the gym and began a fabulous exercise regime. Put in many different 'supports' throughout the week to help and support me and apart from the odd stampy tantrum ('why do I have to do this? WHY?!) Basically - I did everything I was told (unheard of for me - I'm so bad when I'm told what to do!!) And never was I able to pinpoint exactly why I'd joined LL, ie there was no single trigger. I seemingly decided to do it knowing very little about what was involved. Went to an intro on the Friday, got my forms signed by the doc at 10 on Monday morning and was in class at 4.30 that very afternoon. No build up, no last supper, no symptoms of any description getting started - off I went.
Of course like most things, I hark back to the glory Golden Time like it was all perfect, I'm sure there are many many posts on here which have me whingeing and moaning my head off with Foundation frustration! :D

But basically I'm trying to make the point that I was suppressing so many actual feelings, choosing to focus entirely on the practicalities and then suddenly the feelings all hit me.

At the start of Foundation when we were writing out our goals and everyone was sharing in the Group, every single goal was based around dress size, a wedding/other important event or a summer holiday. Mine was "I want to find out how and why this happened to me in order to prevent it from ever happening again"
Well they say you get what you ask for! I think the answers started to hit around week 3 of Development, and they've been coming thick and fast ever since!

So, I'm now in that awful 'feeling stuck' phase. I'm trying to get on top of the practicalities and then the overwhelming head stuff kicks in. It's all pretty exhausting. I am actually exhausted with the whole thing. I will definitely have lost this week, and have no doubts that I'll quickly get back to 13st. Then it will be game on - can I do it? Can I actually get under 13st??!

I must get on top of the practicalities. I'm hating being on my own just now. I need some fun. I'm working too much, I've just come back from a solo holiday when the last thing I needed was a whole week of solo thinking time!!!

I'm off to make an escapism list :D
 
I was really struck by some of your comments Tiger.

I was a perfect student and 100% abstinent and I dropped 5st on the nose. It was a study in how to do Foundation. I was at class every week. I wrote everything down. Did my homework every week

Sounds like me, too. I did foundation, development and management exactly as prescribed, losing seven stone. Now I see I was mostly in adapted child mode and, like you, did not really address issues properly at the time. Now of course I have to... if I want to keep the weight off. It is not going to be easy Tiger, but it WILL be worth the effort.

I was suppressing so many actual feelings, choosing to focus entirely on the practicalities and then suddenly the feelings all hit me.

It is a great revelation that you've realised this, Tiger. The next step is to be brave, get out of your comfort zone (you know, the 'better the devil you know' place) and accept that you WILL go through a period of discomfort in order to get to goal - and STAY there!

To digress a little bit. Tonight, we had Coronation Street on, and my daughter was lamenting that fact that the little Cadburys ads at the beginning and end of each section had been replaced by ads about furniture. "That's boring, I want to see the cream egg ads, 'cos I would really love to have a cream egg". She then went on to describe the experience of eating a cream egg, which I will not describe here.

The point is, every day we are assaulted by adverts on TV, or in newspapers/magazines, about various foods which trigger an immediate reaction. "I want one." What about M&S ads. Oh, they are awful! Chocolate ads really get to me, particularly the Toblerone one, all that liquid chocolate. Mmmm to dive in and drink.... Oh, sorry I'm getting carried away.

There are other triggers too. Like the time of day, like the routine we develop. We go on automatic pilot and, without realising it, start to drift back into old grooves again. This is our unconscious behaviours starting to reassert themselves. "Hurray!" they say, "She wants us back again. We'll soon have her back to square one."

So, I'm now in that awful 'feeling stuck' phase. I'm trying to get on top of the practicalities and then the overwhelming head stuff kicks in. It's all pretty exhausting. I am actually exhausted with the whole thing

Gosh yes, I so know the feeling! It has taken me a while to prepare the groundwork and gradually get into the right place to get control back. Good luck with your own battle, TigerGirl.

Take care now. I'm of to watch Rebus!
 
Well, I've made the decision to get back into Development. I'm writing it down in order to commit to it. I've had a taste of what's to come (no pun intended) and I've struggled every step of the way.
There's a reason why everyone advises not to start management until you get to goal, and oh yes, I've felt every painful moment of it! I always, always think I know best - I always think I can beat the system, I always think I am the exception to the rule. Basically, enough know it all prima dona behaviour. I've got 3st to lose, and I'm not going to lose it in management, and I'm definitely not going to lose it doing my own version of management. So, I either leave LL and fly solo, or I get with the programme and accept where I am in it. And where I am, is Development.

JDI - I shall be seeking to steal some of your fabulous Development track record. I wouldn't even get a penny for mine if I put it on ebay :)

Wish me luck. :D
 
Looks like you've learned a hard lesson, but that is a step forwards Tiger Girl.

Perhaps thats why they call it 'development' because for every mistake you make, you learn and develop new strategies to cope with the difficulties which lie ahead. And ultimately emerge stronger and more resilient.

Anyway, we are all here rooting for you, and each other. Keep us posted on how you're getting on.:grouphugg:

AmandaJayne
 
TG,

You have helped me enormously. I am fighting every step of the way in developement, right now. In fact today, I have had a major, out of control, eating out of tins kind of binge. Why? Who knows? But I am trying to find the answers, and the help is certianly here, for those in the same sad place as me.

Your story had hit home this week particulalry, as I asked my LLC about management, at a BMI of 29. I just felt I had had enough. I was mighty cheesed off when she advised against it, all the "anti" thoughts rushed into my head at once. (Who is paying for this? Just who calls the shots.....etc etc)

I now know, and its a hard lesson to accept, that managmetn will have to wait. I f I find it hard to cope now, in developement, heaven only knows what the next step will be like for me.

I wish you all the very best, and for huge success to come your way. I am sure you are doing the right thing, in returning to abstinence for now. Be proud of yourself for making a difficult choice and it will be onwards and "downwards" for you & your scales.

Big hugs! xx
 
Thanks so much guys for all of your support - I can't tell you how much I need it right now!
Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou :grouphugg:

I'm determined to get all superficial and focus on my new winter wardrobe, and have fun with foodpacks. I've set myself the challenge of creating one new thing to stick on the foodpack recipe thread. :D

I'm so tired emotionally, I'm going to read up on some basic goal setting, TA and CBT stuff. I want basics - I need basics!!
I'm really loving the gym right now and it's time to capitalise on that. I'm going home this week, just for one night, but I haven't been home in months and it will do me the world of good to get lots of positive strokes and to just accept them. My scales may be a little heavier just now, but for people who've not seen me in ages I'm sure it will be strokes galore. And I'm going to embrace it all (I've struggled with strokes in the past 'You look amazing - you must feel fabulous?', 'erm no actually, I feel like crap' etc!)
I'm applying my non-negotiable Foundation rule to any demon style thoughts.
And of course I'm going to post lots! :D

Here's to a great week :D

PS. Sez. Keep on keeping on. I'm with you every step of the way :)
 
Hello Everyone

Big hello to TG who's made a big decision. I don't know if it's the change of season, the darker evenings or the fact that many of us seem to be taking stock, right now.

I know I need to do this, too, with my adult head firmly in place. I'm just not making the time so that's my challenge; to make the time to sort this struggle with knuckling down to Route to Management out. (I know this is the Development thread but I jumped ship early - from Development - and I now think this has been part of my undoing. I never got closure on the "goal" - Sarah/Cerulean may have an interesting take on this.)

TG - I really applaud you for stepping back, taking stock and refocusing. You know we are all right behind you. Big time.

Funnily enough, I notice that I haven't been on Minis in the way that I used to and....I wondering if there is a connection.

I think I wrote about this elsewhere - so apologies for the repetition - but if you view yourself as being in recovery (from addictive eating - remember the first DVD of Foundation?!?!?!?), then it's constant application, day in, day out. It DOES get easier, apparently (I have it on very good authority that it does) but, for now, it's head down to learn, practise, refine, etc etc.

TG - I was really struck by your goal and comment about finding out why you got to a particular size (and not to go there again). That's surely the ONLY long-term goal that's going to sustain permanent weight loss? Because if you can undestand, you can do something about it. I remember someone saying to me, if you can understand, you can forgive and I think we all could do with forgiving ourselves when the going gets tough?!?!?!?

Anyway, right here, right now, I feel as if I know nothing. So the only way is UP! Happy days!!!

Big kiss all round.

Mrs Lxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 
Hey Developers :D

Well, it's going well - it really is. Whatever 'clicked' in on Sunday is still firmly in place and there have been no sight or sound of the demons at all. It's weird - I feel *exactly* like I did in Foundation just now. I appear to have installed the non negotiable mindset and it's as loud and clear as it ever was. No matter what I'm feeling, what kind of day I've had, what's scaring me about the future - food is not the answer, and abstinence is.

I'm in Development, and that's what Development is all about - abstinence.

It is all a huge sigh of relief I have to say. I'm out and about a lot this week with plenty of foodie things thrown in. The parallels with my first week of Foundation are all there - in Week 1 I had 4 consecutive nights out. All big things, and all done in complete abstinence. I'm sitting here now thinking of all the things that have involved food where I've sailed through and with the smallest amount of planning have had no problems at all.

My motivation and interest have returned at a 10. I do look at myself now and seriously feel like I'm starting out all over again. I now have 3st to lose as oppose to 9st. It feels really achievable.
I like the fact that I know the scales will have dropped significantly next week, and I like being able to plan for that in terms of looking at up and coming events and imagining what I'm going to look and feel like.

I feel like I now understand the amount of work needed to get through Development for someone with a) the amount of weight I had to lose and b) my general outlook/beliefs/behaviours and how this all fits together.

Overall, I think one of the key learnings for me when I was pretending to do management was the amount of food thinking time which is immediately introduced. It's just hideous trying to eat and lose weight at the same time (and you know I mean that in terms of LL, ie lots of people eat healthy diets and lose!) I've learned that I just can't do this at this stage of the programme. And now I can see that abstinence for me also means abstaining from *thoughts* of food too. What I mean by that is a very realistic thought of "I just don't do that right now" - as oppose to turning food into a monster! (Hope that makes sense!) And that thought around not doing something 'right now' has made me think about all things timing related.
I'm looking to the future again and seeing good things. I'm understanding where I am in the present, and I can clearly see where I've come from. I'm choosing to think about the successful parts of the past, ie my time in abstinence and all of the weird and wonderful things that happened between Feb and July. I think there's a lot to be said about timelines in general with LL.
In Foundation we all know it's 100 days. In Development we lose our sense of timing. I applied the same thoughts around how much I expected to lose and by when, in terms of what had happened in Foundation on the loss front, and began fixating on my end date...and we know what happened when the wheels fell off.
My impatience got the better of me, and just coming to terms with the whole timing issue has just brought around a huge sigh of relief.
Maybe now that I've experienced what introducing food i like I am running back to the haven of abstinence? Or maybe being a headstrong capricorn, I just didn't/wouldn't believe that it could be that hard until I'd experienced it myself!!
Regardless, I'm firmly back in abstinence and I'm feeling pretty good about it :D

Hope everyone is doing just great.

JDI - thanks so much for posting your pics on the main page. Your Development days are such an inspiration :D
Mrs L - there IS such a sense of taking stock just now! I feel this is a time to really capitalise on. We have a whole 3months (as good as) to lay low and get some work done on the weight front on the pre Chrimbo build up.
Hmmm...I wonder if LL would consider a turkey foodpack, like Pret and their limited edition Christmas sandwich? :D Seriously, I would love to do a bit of creative marketing for LL!!! A Christmas dinner of festive foodpacks! I might write to HQ :D
 
Day 5 of my abstinence run. I'm so thrilled that I'm back on track, I've not done more than 2 days in abstinence for such a very long time it seems. This is pretty much it now, I reckon a Foundation's worth of abstinence again for me to get to goal. Maybe not quite that long, we'll see. The scales are flying down :D
 
You should be well into ketosis by now, 5 days in, so it should get a bit easier. Especially if the scales are moving - that always helps to inspire,
Great stuff
 
Still going strong! And it's Friday too which is always my toughest day. A couple of demons were lurking today but only lurking and immediately dealt with. The scales are really taking a hit - in a good way, and I'm feeling pretty good.
It's so odd, I'm getting so many positive strokes just now, so many. Even though I'm still half a stone heavier than I was 2 months ago! I guess it's all shining out from within :D
And the big difference is that I am eating them all up - ho-ho...but I really am. Had a great conversation this week with one of my closest friends about achievement. I just wasn't feeling it to be honest. Instead of feeling a sense of achievement all I could feel was the struggle. I just couldn't get a balance. No more! I am now really accepting the achievement for what it's been so far and feel like I am racing towards goal.

Thanks as ever for all support :grouphugg:
 
Well done! You sound so different; you are in a different place. Back to how you were, motoring down the scales.

I still don't feel an achievement so you must let me know how you achieved that!! ha ha!

Seriously, really pleased you are in the zone; you will go ALLLLL the way! Yes, you will!

Big kiss.

Mrs Lxxxxxxxxxx
 
Hi Everyone

I have decided to come back to minis. Trying to do this diet without your support has just not worked. In the last 4 weeks I have lost the sum total of 5lb. I am annoyed and angry with myself but have decided to try and get back on track from now. Since early august I have had 1 day with nothing "extra". Thats appalling, what have I been playing at?

Anyway I still have 2 stone to lose (at least) and I am gritting my teeth and getting on with it. I intend to have lost at least 3lb by next mondays weigh in.

As I have just posted on another thread my counsellor has suggested I have a look at other ways to give myself positive strokes. We both think that this is why I am eating. Also to try some affirmations to make myself feel a bit more positive about myself - I really couldn't think of one thing I liked about myself when she asked me earlier. Also she mentioned I am pushing the boundaries. I know I do this a lot but am going to give it some thought as to why. I thought everyone did this - any help with this would be very welcome!

I am glad to be back!
 
Drum roll....8lb's off this week!! I am absolutely delighted and really feel that I am motoring on now towards goal. The scales are going down and the tracker is going up - brilliant :D
After swinging about in the 7lb swing zone and then tipping over that point, I've still got a couple of pounds til I'm back where I was but I'm not worrying about that. I'm losing in abstinence and that's exactly what I should be doing in Development.

Welcome back Helen :D
Positive stroke 1 - you're back!
Positive stroke 2 - just look at your tracker, you have lost over 100lb's. That is absolutely amazing. It's such a fantastic achievement. How many people actually do that? Not many. Think of all of the things you've had to change in order to lose over 100lbs, write them down and let it all sink in. Noone can lose that much weight without significant change, and you've done it.
There's a starter for you!

So it's all good here in TG Land. Have been on another mad shopping spree today. The winter wardrobe is shaping up very nicely :D

Here's to a great week for everyone :)
 
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