The lowest point Ive ever reached.

[princess-of-power]

I dont think Ive ever been lower about my weight in nearly 21 years of obsessing about my weight (Im nearly 27 fyi).

After years of detesting myself, I had 9 glorious months of 'thinness' in 2007 when I did the Cambridge diet for 4 months, losing 4 stones. I went from a size 16-18 14st 8lbs to a size 10-12 10st 7lbs. It was amazing. I was a different woman, confident, happy...it was literally the time of my life.

After difficulties in work a year later, I was 12st 7lbs again and got to 11st for my wedding day in dec 2008 thanks to Lipotrim and this forum.

So here I am, 17 months later on exante/LT after months of being stupid and starving myself in the day and binging at night after one of the worst years of my life (I sense a theme here). Ive been on it for 2 weeks now. I didnt weigh myself at first because I didnt want to know how bad it had gotten.

After 2 weeks I feel a bit better and thought I could cope with the numbers. Honestly, I thought I had gone up to 13st 7lbs again.

I weighed myself yesterday and I was 13st 12lbs. That means I must have gone even heavier than my first time on a VLCD because I will have lost a good amount in those 2 weeks!

I cannot believe it. I had a bit of a mental breakdown yesterday seeing those numbers. Especially when it turned out my husband, who is doing the VLCD with me again (he's done both previous times with me), is LIGHTER than me. Its awful. He's always been at least 2 stone heavier than me but now, I am heavier than him. And because he's on the diet with me, I will never be lighter than him for months because he loses weight so rapidly on these diets and it takes me a long time. He looks amazing at the moment, so handsome and sexy. And then, next to him is this stumpy, ugly, repulsive troll. People must look at us and think how on earth he could be with me. Im terrified he will realise one day that and leave me for someone else. Someone beautiful. Someone I used to look like.

I know Im being ridiculous. He's the most loyal and wonderful man, its why I married him after all! And one of the reasons we are both doing this VLCD is because we are planning to try for a baby soon and want to be healthy as possible for this.

Im just so tired. Ive spent the past year hiding way, avoiding social events or anything because Im so ashamed of how I look. Im ashamed that all these people who saw this triumphant skinny girl emerge 3 years ago will see the fat cow she used to be has returned. I know a lot of people will be laughing at me behind my back, especiallly a lot of my family (one of the reasons Ive been dieting since I was 6 years old).

Im sorry for posting this, but I need someone who could understand, even a smidgeon of how low I feel, the lowest I ever have felt in my life. Ive been crying all weekend because of this. Im sick of hating myself and Im terrified that I wont succeed on this anymore. I spent all my time and money and energy on this the first time round and Im back to square one.

For all your first timers - please dont do what I have done. Maintain it, it can be done because there are some really inspirational people on here who have. Let me be a lesson to you. You dont want to be sobbing your heart out on here in 3 years time wishing you had valued the thing you had desired for all those years but took for granted when you eventually got it.

 

[arntyjax]

Hey Princess.
I am so sorry to read that you are in such terrible pain, but please don't despair. So you have made mistakes in the past but - what happens everyday of our lives? The sun sets in the evening to rise again in the morning - The start of a brand new day! This is your new day. Don't dwell on the past, and certainly don't take any notice of the negativity of others. I have also suffered from a little of this over the years and am still getting a bit from my own mother! I know how hurtful it can be.

Just concentrate on the positive from now on. It sounds as if you have a fantastic supportive and understanding husband who obviously loves you un-conditionally or else I'm sure that by now he would have mentioned if your weight gain was a problem for him. And don't forget that when you are newly wed, and content with your life - gaining weight is a sign that you are happy and secure (which may have been a first if you were living in an enviroment where you were made to feel uncomfortable) and just think of the wonderful life you both have ahead of you! A baby! How fanstastic is that? very exciting and what a wonderful goal for you. You are still very young and have everything in front of you, and I envy you for that.

As for the speed of your weight loss, when you read through these forums you will see for yourself how speedily folks lose the most amazing amounts of weight with many losing 12 stone in 8 months! Phenominal! and so inspiring. There is no reason at all for you not to be at the weight you want before the end of the summer and whilst you are losing the weight, think about your life style and what has made you regain the weight. Is it portion size or food choices? Is it emotional eating? It could be any combination of these things. Focus on these things so that it stops you repeating your mistakes of the past. But don't forget - running around after little ones will keep you on your toes! We took our two year old grandson swimming on Friday, and boy were we exhausted afterwards!

Keep your chin up chick. Remember, things are never really as bad as they seem and you are certainly not alone on your journey. I wish you the very best of luck and arnty sends you a big, positive hug. xXx

 

[princess-of-power]

Thankyou so much arntyjax, Ive had a good old cry today and even though I feel horrendous still Im just going to have to get on with it. This is my lesson learnt and I will get over it eventually.

 

[Betty Boop18]

Hey, the majority of us have worn the same tee-shirt hun, so we understand entirely how you feel but think of the spring flowers, see how they bloom after a long hard winter, they struggle on against all the odds, pushing onwards and upwards. You can do the same!

 

[electricsheep]

A lot of what you've posted has resounded with myself, and If I can offer some advice in that sometimes these low points are needed to be hit in order to get where you need to.

I've found that thinking about everything can make things hard to deal with. I'm a failed LT'er on 2nd time, emotional eater, low self esteem, addicted to food and horribly over weight...and that's just scratching the surface.

What I've done is try to clearly set out what I'm trying to do .ie hit goal weight and maintain for life

Using this overall goal, setting some mini goals really helps and they can be as small as drinking X water, going for walk, sticking another day/week/month on LT.

You're doing really well princess-of-power, and I know you'll have the will power and strength to pull through!

 

[irish molly]

Ah you poor pet, you really are having a tough time. You are focussing on all the negatives!!! Try and think about the positives in life!
You are young, you are doing something about your weight, you have a supportive hubby and you are planning a baby. Are those things not just as positive as you can get??? Of course they are, so think of those things when you get down.
Your post has echoed how we all feel at one point or another. The fact that you have started LT shows that you are trying to get a hold of your weight problem. Use your time on LT to think about food and your relationship with it. Think about why, when, where and what you eat. Out of this experience you will build a new relationship with food where it will be just fuel and not comfort!!!
You have succeeded before and you will do it this time too. lots ofluck.

 

[mrsd2b]

Hi Princess,
I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling so low and bad about yourself. The first words of comfort I have for you are you are taking the first step in trying to get to a healthier weight. I know you may not believe this either but unless you are 4ft 2 you are not THAT big darling at all.I know what you mean about the numbers, the are SOUL DESTROYING. But I can guarantee you that you are probably your biggest critic. You will lose that weight, you will be slim and happy and healthy and you will have a beautiful little baby. Its a hard slog now to get there but you will get there. I understand how you feel about hubbies weight too, I used to be heavier than my h2b but now I am 10kilos lighter than him, but you know what I still can't actually open up and tell him what I do weight, its so strange because he wouldn't for one second judge me or think any differently. I think we all have our shame about our weight and its like a shame we can't hide because we wear it all our lives, it obviously comes from somewhere. Its really horrible though because you say you were dieting since you were 6, that is awful for any little girl to have that kind of view of her body. I have also too been affected by my family (mother and sister) they are in a word bi***es if I'm allowed say that on here. My mother (who weighs about 18stone herself) would criticise everything about my appearance when I was growing up, saying open you jacket you look fat, your bottom is huge, your face is fat (I was never more than a size 14 as a teenager) and my sister would have snide catty remarks at me and my clothes (she has always been a size 10 or smaller) I don't speak to either of them now(for other reasons but of course all this hurt pours into my desicion) but I can't wait until I am a size 10 bride in October and they somehow see a picture of me! It will be like a victory for me and re-claiming the self esteem that they both stripped away from me.
I just told you this to share the experience I had with you because there is a lot of saddness in your post and I just want you to know all of us on here are in this TOGETHER as a group of cyber friends who will offer support, comfort and encouragement to each other.
Princess you are doing such a positive thing for your life, your physical and emotional health and it sounds like you have a great and supportive partner there who is going through that journey with you. You need to keep your chin up and dive head in and do this for yourself. Never mind any remarks at work, nobody in your work environment has the unique experience of being you so they shouldn't comment one way or the other.
Your husband won't leave you for anyone who looks 'better' than you or for someone who used to look like you, he sounds great actually and I'm sure he isn't that shallow or vacant. Don't even have those thoughts, just work on yourself and build up some of that confidence and self-esteem that you once had. You sound like a really nice and fantastic person! You are doing all you can to change your weight, give yourself a little pat on the back and please keep us up to date on how u are doing!! xx

 

[princess-of-power]

I want to thank all the people who have posted such lovely responses to my post yesterday. I was honestly so low and miserable. Im still down, but you all raised good points. I know now Im not alone in this and I need to try and put the past behind me. This is a new chapter and Im so happy to have joined this forum of amazing people who have all made the decision to lose some weight. I will get there and I will achieve my goals alongside you all and my amazing OH.

Once I get there, I definately will continue to work hard and maintain. I think one of the biggest mistakes I did was not weighing myself regularly...very silly.

One of my best friends lost a ginormous amount of weight over a few years, she did it slowly and now she has maintained for about 2 years. Im so proud of her. I recently asked her secret of maintaining and she eats so minimally, never has treats apart from alcohol at the weekend. And therefore, that is what I have to do! (apart from the booze, because I was never a good boozer).

Thanks guys, you're the best,
Laura xxx

 

[MiniB]

Hi Laura

Glad you are feeling a little better today. Some of the things you were thinking, I think a lot of us here have felt too. Saying about being seen with your gorgeous husband and people thinking what on earth is he with her for, definitely hit home with me. Always thinking that myself.

I'm a restarter too after losing loads on LT last year and letting most of it slip back on again. Gutted!!

I think of it as a learning curve and to remember how I felt being big again and not wanting to be there again. I so enjoyed my summer last year being smaller, loved it actually.

If ever you need support or someone to talk to come on here, there are some great people on here to try to help you. Stay positive, you have some great goals to aim for and you can do it!

 

[Trolley Dolly xx]

I read you post and felt so sad for you:wave_cry: This mirrors how I feel about myself, most of the time.
Just believe in yourself, you did it once so you can do it again..just keep thiking of how fab you felt and take one day at a time. Also, sounds like you have a fab hubby. Plus, you have all the support of all the fab people on here.
I have spent 20 years dieting and no slimmer, but I do know my slimmer times were some of my happiest as I liked my self. All through my child hood I was told how fat I was and looking back I wasn't.
Last year lost 4 stone on CD and felt great, put back on 2 st. I am at a very low point in my life, I have shut myself off from the world but determined to fight back and get the new life I want, the love I want and friends.
You can do it, we are similiar weights so if you want a buddy?
Someone said to me recently...you have to go under, to get over!
Good luck, you can do it.
Sorry for rambling, sorry if hijacked your post, didnt mean too xx

 

[Gen]

Hey

My story similar in parts to yours. This time round I am seeking help of the professionals. I am planning on making an appointment with an nlp/life coachy guy I went to before to assist me in the refeeding/new life that I want to have when the weight is almost gone.

I think you really need to deal with the emotional stuff while you are on this diet to truly succeed. Just my honest opinion.

Wishing you the best of luck xx

 

[Trolley Dolly xx]

princess of power,

Did reply to your message. Hope you get it...as not too good with sending messages!!!
Have a good day. I'm off to work, be back in a few days.
speak soon xx

 

[arntyjax]

Hey Princess

I'm so pleased to hear that you are a bit brighter today. I note that we have a similar amount of weight to lose (you have less to lose than me actually!) so I think we can encourage each other, along with the fab ladies and gents on Mini mins.

I have had to stop my chores for the day as I have come over really dizzy. I'm on day 6 of my third week now. It was quite alarming, but I took my blood pressure and was amazed to see that it was very low. I say low, but looking online, I see that for the first time in 5 years, my BP is normal. Lipotrim has managed to do what my doctors have failed to do in under three weeks!

Hubby and I have been chatting about what has caused this drastic change. Well obviously, I have lost about 18lb which helps, but I think it's a combination of factors. I was drinking alcohol daily, I'm a bit of a cook so all our meals were homemade from scratch and rather indulgant which of course warranted a nice bottle of wine!

If my BP is under control after this short time, it must have been my life style that was quite literally killing me. Aside from the BP, being so fat had made me so depressed. I have always had low esteem but for the past year, it has been so low, I could have crawled under a snakes belly!

I know I'm waffling but what I'm trying to say is that it's important to think how what we eat and drink does impact on our health in general. Not just our waistline. I know that this is the thing that will encourage me (hopefully) not to regain the weight. - that, and the fab holiday I have booked as my reward for being fabulous before I reach 50 in December!

Onwards and upwards pet! Big hugs. xXx:wavey:

 

[Niamh]

Honey, you are doing fantastic and should be so proud of yourself. You have made the decision to change and that sometimes can be the hardest part.
My husband is a skinny minny and he eats like a horse. I look like a heifer beside him and I'm sure people look at us and think "Jack Sprat and his wife" but you know what let them all F off. I dont care about anyone else. There will always be someone who talks about you!
You are doing an amazing thing getting yourself back on track and you know maybe you needed to hit this low point so that you never let the weight back on. When you are at your goal weight, you can think back to this and say.... I'll never be back there again.
((((((HUGS)))))))

Niamh xxx

 

[Betty Boop18]

Hi Princess, hope you're feeling much brighter. I've been thinking about you ever since I read your post. I have this theory that sometimes life is meant to be difficult just so that we can enjoy the good times more!!! So head up, be gentle on yourself and if your face hasn't got a smile then I'll give you one of mine ......... PS: Don't forget to pass it on!

 

[princess-of-power]

Hi Betty, thankyou for your kind post.

I think actually weighing myself last week was the best thing I had ever did in retrospect. Because I finally faced up to it, does that make sense?

I do feel better, because now I am weighing myself everyday (something my hubby and I did on LT previously and we enjoyed it...it was our little ritual) and seeing the numbers go down has been great. Plus half of the clothes Ive been straining out of are fitting now, in fact getting a little loose! Ive lost 5lbs this week, which I am delighted with considering its my 3rd week. I always struggled to get large losses on this diet, 2lbs or 3lbs were often my usual losses.

Its still hard sometimes when I think how I put all my weight back on again. Im still kicking myself really, because now Im losing this weight, Im remembering how amazing my journey was last time. It was such an amazing time, really uplifting and happy as the lbs dropped off and my confidence soared.

Its hard to know Ive still got a long way to go and I still weigh more than my hubby who is still on the diet with me. He's about 3lbs lighter than me but obviously the height difference as well...he's looking fantastic. I, on the other hand, have broken out in loads of spots and today I woke up with tonsillitis! Unfortunately Im On Call these weekend, meaning Im doing 13 hour shifts both Saturday and Sunday and Im really feeling unwell tonight.

But...in a long winded nutshell...Im not as depressed as I was last weekend and I am certainly focused as hell on losing this weight once and for all! And that is in part thanks to you lovely people on here being such great support. I am so grateful, thankyou so much! xxxx

 

[mrsd2b]

Well done on your weight loss Princess

 

[LipoLisa]

Hugs x

 

[blodwen]

Hi Princess I'm so glad to hear you have turned the way you were feeling around, the way to look at you're gain is when we learn we have to lay down the pathways ( if you get what I mean) and with some people they can do some things once and get it, but others need to do it more before those pathways are written in their brains, after all it didn't take one bad choice to get you to the size you were at the start so its not necesseraly going to take one go to get it off and keep it off, you have made such a positive choice to get back to LT you could have so easily buried your head and continue putting the pounds on and also remember your work isn't the easiest with the shifts you are doing and what you must deal with, stop being so hard on yourself, remember we should love our selves as there are plenty of horrid people who are willing to slate us and why should we roll over and let them, just think we don't need them to love us esp if we have someone(oh) so supportive to love us too (goddness I hope this makes sense?)lol good luck and keep postingxxx