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Those last few pounds....

S: 13st0lb C: 12st7lb G: 11st7lb BMI: 26.6 Loss: 0st7lb(3.85%)
At my heaviest I weighed 20 stones 4lbs. I remember being weighed at a lunchtime WW meeting around the corner from work. I was absolutely mortified. I could feel the heat burning the shame on my face and the prickling on the back of my neck. The leader was totally unsinspiring, having put two stone of her original lost weight back on. She had no real enthusiasm and as I left the meeting I knew I wouldn't be going back. That night I lay in bed under a heavy blanket of despair and deep unhappiness. I didn't know how to get myself out of this cycle. My then boyfriend told me he loved me however much I weighed but even he was starting to to become concerned about my health, my moods and, I KNOW my appearance.

The next day I went on yet another diet. During the next few weeks our relationship dwindled (after seven years together) and we decided to part. My diet was still going strong. I took the plunge and bought my own flat. It was just before my 28th birthday when I put the key in my new front door and the thrill was overwhelming. I remember thinking 'this is a new chapter'. I also remember what I weighed. I stood on the scales in my bathroom and laughed to myself as I realised I weighed an 'overture' the 18.12 overture! I had lost over a stone and I knew I had to keep going.

If I wanted another boyfriend, I needed to feel better about myself. I didn't want to appear desperate and needy. I wanted someone to like me because I was likeable, not because they pitied me or made an exception. My best friend moved in with me for a couple of months between leaving her old place and finding a new one nearer her work. Her and I have always 'been on diets' despite her never having more than a stone or so to lose. She introduced me to the world of veg. We started to eat big dinners with things like smoked mackerel, dry roast potatoes and carrots, sprouts, cauliflower, broccoli, green beans, cabbage etc. It wasn't that I didn't like veg but I was never that inspired by it. The more I ate it, the more I grew to like it, plus it meant I could fill up on it and be much less hungry in general.

A few months later I had got to 16-8. My best friend clubbed together with another friend posted me a £50 H&M voucher through the door to say 'well done.' Most of my clothes consisted of stretchy black trousers, black T-shirts and a couple of large baggy shirts. I remember buying a pink top, white summery skirt and another pair of trousers. I started to feel 'normal' Despite this new found sense of hope that if I could lose almost 4 stones I could maybe lose four more I still had crippling low self esteem. It took me a while to come to terms with my weight loss success and start to be proud of myself and accept compliments.

I carried on and on. I still had the odd blip where life might throw me a difficult ball and I would have a binge, rushing to the nearest supermarket and buying all the things I loved to eat. Cornish Pasties, Crusty bread, jumbo freshly baked chhewy cookies, Haribo, Minstrels, the list goes on. I'd return home, close the curtains, watch TV and binge. Often I'd buy a slimming magazine, WHILST stuffing my face and read and re-read the success stories in the hope the inspiration might give me the kick I needed to get to the end of my journey.

A few months later I had got into the 14's, (just) a weight I hadn't been since senior school. I was 30 and for the first time in my adult life I felt I could go and feel reasonably attractive. I remember a 'compliment' in a pub once, a nice looking bloke saying to me 'You're lovely and I like the slightly bigger woman'. To me, the fact I could be referred to as only 'slightly bigger' filled me with joy!

At 20 stones there was NO way I could be mistaken for someone who was only slightly bigger!!

My next milestone was getting into the 13's. I was starting to feel PROPERLY normal. In fact, now I knew people, normal people who weighed MORE than me. I found this difficult to get my head around and I also found myself a bit resentful. When I was really fat I felt marginalised, mocked and unworthy. I felt like everyone talked about me behing my back about how greedy and disgusting I was. Now it seemed other fat people were not experiencing this same negativity. They seemed happy and accepted. I wondered if they were just hiding it like me or it really wasn't the big deal I had made it. Maybe I was just resentful of myself for doing this to my body.

After I bit of a blip I went up to 14.4

At this weight, I met my current partner. We'd been friends online for years but were both single at the point we decided to meet. (as friends) I travelled over a hundred miles to meet him and we got on so well, I never really went home. Three months later I gave notice at my job, put my flat on the market and moved in with him!

The first six weeks the diet went out of the window. I ate, drank, smoked (as I did then) like it was one long celebration of new found love. I was ecstatically happy and for the first time in my life I was with someone because I really, really liked them. Usually I was with someone because they liked me - 'phew, at least I've found someone who'll be with me'

One morning after a month or so of eating mindlessly, I weighed myself and was horrified to find I was back up to 15.6. I immediately joined a locally WW and within a year had got down to 11.10. I felt fabulous!

I have been up and down ever since. Three years ago, I got down to 11.4 just before Christmas. I felt I had finally arrived. I felt not only slim, but slender. I felt I could wear almost anything. I felt like a foal, new-born, tentative, lithe and little. For once I felt like a delicate woman not like a huge hulking man.

That Christmas I put on almost a stone and from that point I have never been back in the elevens. My weight has stabilised at around 12.7 but has been up and down within the 12's. I am pleased to have maintained at this BUT I know at 11.7 I feel most comfortable.

This is my aim, to get back there and stay there. When I think how far I have come, I know this last bit is not beyond me, I just have to stick at it. It's true that getting the last few pounds of to get to 11.4 were really hard work, like they were fighting to cling on and I had to do everything I could to prise them off.

However, it's often the things you work hardest for you value the most so I know it will be worth it in the end.

So just to let you know 11.7, you can run but you can't hide. ;)
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On A Mission!
S: 17st9lb C: 10st9lb G: 10st7lb BMI: 23.3 Loss: 7st0lb(39.68%)
Wow what a wonderful and inspiring story!

You know, you have to give yourself credit and a BIG pat on the back for only going up to the 12's. Its so easy to lose sight and put it all back on, i know this, ive done it many times. The fact that you have stayed relatively slim is amazing and just shows how far you have come from being 20st.

Im sure you will achieve your dream weight again, you have already shown incredible willpower by staying in the 12's. I wish all the success you deserve!
S: 13st0lb C: 12st7lb G: 11st7lb BMI: 26.6 Loss: 0st7lb(3.85%)
Lynn what a lovely post. Thank you! X (Thank you for your welcome Belle)
S: 13st0lb C: 12st7lb G: 11st7lb BMI: 26.6 Loss: 0st7lb(3.85%)
P.S. Lynn you've done pretty well yourself! Well done!!!
S: 13st0lb C: 12st7lb G: 11st7lb BMI: 26.6 Loss: 0st7lb(3.85%)
Okay, so what did today bring. Period pains mainly. Dog walk, housework, other chores and a lovely massage this afternoon. Not mine. I AM the massage therapist! I love my job. For the whole other I get to listen to chillout tunes while making it possible for someone else to drift off while giving their mind and body and complete de-stress. I don't have to concentrate on the routine as such, I can just go with the flow. The lady I had today hates her feet being touched so she gets extra time on her back massage. I love the fact people are different.

Anyway, starting to ramble on. Must keep focused (diet story of my life!) This week has been so much better. I've done Green days except for Sunday which means I can have a free roast dinner. However I've really got into Quorn. I have the sausages a fair bit and today I tried the Quorn chicken style slices. I even gave the OH one and said 'try this, it's some chicken' - he didn't even question it until I said 'it's Quorn!' he said he thought the texture was a BIT strange but reasoned it was because it was out of a packet. Anway, I had it with my hard boiled egg salad with skin-on weges and it was lovely.

Weigh-in tomorrow. Since I have banished my own scales to the back of the understairs cupboard (which means they cannot be retrieved quickly in a fit of anxiety) I am much calmer. I have resigned myself to the fact I will be weighed once a week only and now I have no daily guage, I think it helps me to stay on track more.

I CANNOT gain again this week... seriously I cannot. The shame of a first week gain nearly tipped me over the edge. However my TOTM couldn't have come at a worse time. Still.. let's be optimistic! Watch this space.
S: 26st4lb C: 14st2.0lb G: 12st7.0lb BMI: 30.1 Loss: 12st2lb(46.2%)

Really enjoyed reading about your weight loss success. What an inspiration you are, and I'm glad you've found happiness with the right person.

All the best for your WI, all the determination you have had to get to where you are now, shows you can make it to your target xx
S: 13st0lb C: 12st7lb G: 11st7lb BMI: 26.6 Loss: 0st7lb(3.85%)

Really enjoyed reading about your weight loss success. What an inspiration you are, and I'm glad you've found happiness with the right person.

All the best for your WI, all the determination you have had to get to where you are now, shows you can make it to your target xx
Thank you SO much X
S: 13st0lb C: 12st7lb G: 11st7lb BMI: 26.6 Loss: 0st7lb(3.85%)
I lost a pound. I was SO good this week apart from the Doritos episode but really, I should have lost more. Two Zumbas and several dog walks. It is time of the month though so I am hoping by next week my body will be back to normal and I'll have a loss to get excited about.

However because I know I have been good, in a strange way I remain optimistic because I KNOW it will have to come off eventually. The success express plan was explained to the group tonight and I am considering doing alternate days. Must get some more fruit and veg in tomorrow. Anyway, new week ahead and determined to lose!
S: 13st0lb C: 12st7lb G: 11st7lb BMI: 26.6 Loss: 0st7lb(3.85%)
Not a brilliant weekend for me. I have heard of 'Flexible Syns' but I am sure you should be further than three weeks into the plan before you resort to them. Probably had ten extra on both saturday and sunday.

I am going to have a really light day today to make up for it.

B: Yoghurt
L: Banana - Yoghurt
D: JP wedges and baked beans.

Pineapple and Mango as snacks.

I think if I'd had two good losses up to now I would have been more motivated. I don't feel like I want to give up and I am sure I will get there in the end but I don't feel particularly excited about it all.

I am hoping that after today's lighter intake I will wake up tomorrow feeling that slightly empty feeling which tells me I burnt off more than I put in.

Zumba tomorrow night which allegedly burns off at least 500 calories per hour. It certainly tests me and I try to put as much effort in as I can. Zumba again on Thursday after weigh-in. I really hope I will have pulled it back enough to have a loss worth applauding. Three pounds will be nice!

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