TIME OUT AND ISSUES THAT HAVE BEEN BUGGING ME

[maisie]

Well to be honest with you i was really unsure where to post this, so i thought this was maybe the best place to do that.

I've been SSing on CD on and off for months now, and i just dont seem to able to get my head round it at all at the moment

I'm not sure why i'm like this as i'm not very good at self analyzing myself, great at solving and helping other people with their problems just not my own.

Ok here goes.....a little about myself .....well i'm 48 yrs old, divorced and now living alone. I have just recently realised that i am deperately unhappy with my life but i'm unsure what to do about it and why i feel like i do?
I was married for 24 yrs and for various reasons we split up and if i'm really honest it really should have happened years before it did. I've been on my own now for 6 years and i really havent had a serious relationship in all that time, been out with a few people and it was either totally physical attraction that was on my part, i'm not sure what their part was or as in one case went out with the local copper for almost a year and was bored shítless!!! dunno why i let it go on for so long!! Please bear with me here and if i go off at a tangent just go with the flow.....

Anyway theres nothing i'd like more than to meet someone that gives me butterflies in my tummy and that i cant wait to see again but unfortunately it just doesnt happen despite what a lot of people say most men just arent attracted to the larger woman are they? and i want someone to be as into me as i am into them if you know what i mean. In all the time i've been on my own i have never had that feeling of anticipation butterflies etc about anyone i've been out with.
This may also sound quite snobbish and its not meant to but i want to meet someone i find intellectually challenging ..not the local bumpkin.

Some of my friends call me a cynical ***** and man hater but i'm really not i love men!!! i just refuse to settle for 2nd best just so that i can say i am in a relationship! i could have plenty of 1 night stands but even that becomes a chore, i could get plenty from dating sites looking for the larger woman but most of them are bloody weirdos!! (this is a personal opinion so i would appreciate no backlash)
Actually i'm really not sure about what i'm trying to get at here? does anyone thats reading this know?
All i know is that i'm feeling really vulnerable and pretty bloody miserable at the moment.
I'm off on holiday on Saturday to Spain which i was really looking forward to, but that was when i was doing really well with SSing now that i have piled the pounds back on i'm actually dreading it!!

I have a load of issues to deal with but i'm really not sure how to go about it, a friend who insisits on going back with a idiot who battered her senseless on more than one occasion and now because he has stopped drinking for a year and attends AA everything is supposed to be rosy in the garden? i think not!! i dont wish him any badness and i do hope he never drinks again but i'm sorry i dont want be his friend! its actually her thats bugging me finishing with him one week telling me she'll never go back with him telling me all his faults then the next week she's back with him! and i'm sorry as i said before i wont ever be in his company again. I know i may sound really harsh but its all wearing me down and i actually fear for our friendship through it all,we work together and are going on holiday together and i just know i'm gonna end up saying to her that its all really pissing me off. I'm also big enough to realise that when friends end up in relationships that you wont see as much of them as you used to so its not sour grapes or anything like that, though in saying that my friend is a man magnet and could pull 10 different guys in 1 night and thats no exagerration! i wish!!!! I should also add that all the time that she has been seeing this guy its been on and off for 2 1/2 yrs she gets off with other blokes when we're out and has also slept with quite a few, nowt wrong with that but i believe that if you are supposed to be in a relationship and really into one another you wouldnt do that would you?...God i'm really havering here arent i?!!!

Thats just one problem my ex other half has affected me so much it really angers me that it has, as i said before we split up 6 years ago now,we remained really good friends and he was desperate to have me back but i couldnt go down the road again of my heart maybe being broken all over again maybe 6 months down the line there is only so much you can take isnt there . 2 yrs after we split my best friend tells me that she and him are seeing other and had been for 3 months! well this devastated me and still does to this day they both wanted to remain my friend but i just couldnt, she lived a few doors away from me and i had been her confidante and she mine, she was the one that said i would need to be hard with him and tell him to go when he kept asking me to take him back. Why am i so upset i dont bloody know!! i dont want him back maybe its just me biting my nose off to spite my face but basically i feel i lost a best friend and an ex husband who remained a friend till this all happened. there is just some places that best friends should never go and this is one of them i still dont think to this day they have any idea how much what they did has affected me.
Now i'm really rambling on at this point i'm not even sure i should post this that maybe just typing it will be enough to get things out of my system but i know it wont be, i carry a lot of old baggage around with me i'm a very deep person who finds it extremely difficult to expose herself and feelings to other people i wish i could.
I think i come across as being pretty confident but its all an act well its not really cos once i get to know folks i'm usually fine with them, i just have no self confidence or self worth really, thing is i'm not a bad person i do a caring job that i really do love except for having a boss from hell who feels the need for me to justify everything that i do with my patients, isnt being a district nurse all about making decisions and upholding them/ being a patients advocate? i dont need to justify myself to anyone if i go out of my depth with anything i'll be the first to let someone know, some people should look inside before they look outside. I have never had a patient not want me near them i wonder who has that happen to them on a regular basis? she should look to her own work ethics methinks!!!

Oh dear!! well back to the point ..why cant i do this diet? i dont find it particularly difficult going into ketosis i always eat when i'm well into it and it just triggers my binge cycle i'm best SSing as food in the equation really doesnt suit me.
I've had a weight problem for most of my adult life so my issues really dont have anything to do with it ...took me a while to realise that after typing all this drivel eh!!!

I'd just like to say i have nothing but the utmost respect for those of you who have managed to lose your weight and keep it off my hat is off to you all.
I'm more of a lurker than a poster on here but i am usually around reading the boards at some point in the week.

I'm going to take some time out to see how i feel about everything in my life right now not just the diet, and maybe when i come back my holidays i'll be able to restart with a fresh outlook on things.
Well folks thats all from the sad old spinster with the cat ..probabably smelling of pee!!

The War and Peace novel is now finito!!

Maisie x x

 

[palmettofairy]

Big Hugs to you.

I have no advice or really anything to add. You know what is best for you. Good luck.

 

[Isobel1965]

Oh Maisie, hun - I hope you feel better for getting that off your chest.

I think you're entirely normal to have feelings like this - you do sound very angry about how you feel betrayed and put on upon by people around you.

I wish I had the answer to finding inner peace for you. All I can say is that, even though I'm still prone to depression, my life is ten times better this year than it was last year, because I lost the weight and managed to keep (most) of it off.

Re the men thing - one of my more mature clients told me last night that the secret to her happiness was a small dog, a fast car and being on her bluddy own! She's given up on even trying to have a relationship and has never felt better. She has an active social life and does what the hell she pleases - which makes her happy. I applaud her - she's got the right idea - relying on yourself for happiness rather than someone else.

Re the holiday - try to relax and have fun, doll. I know that your friend will probably drive you nuts - perhaps it would be best if you could say at the outset - ok, we're on a girlie holiday - let's not talk about home or blokes and just chill out! So then you're putting up boundaries that you don't want to be her sounding board for her bleating on about her 'wonderful' wife-beating yob!!!!

You sound tired, hun - I hope you come back from hols feeling refreshed and ready to tackle issues head on with that old Braveheart spirit was was so in evidence in August. I still smile when I recall you saying to me - ever seen a grown man cry? You want to? hahahahahahhahahahahaha!!!

lots of love

 

[Summerskye]

Hiya honey

Well done for posting all that! It must have been very difficult for you and I can only imagine all the multitude of emotions you were going through as you typed it all out.

I agree with Isobel in that you do 'sound' tired and probably badly need this holiday. Try to relax and enjoy it and not worry about being heavier than you wanted to be. This holiday is about you recharging your batteries, after all, it's not about parading on the beach in a skimpy bikini - or even pulling blurkes (although, of course, that's always enjoyable .. especially after the odd shandy or three ).

As for men not being attracted to larger women, I don't think that's true at all. A number of my friends have reminded me that even when I was at my biggest I was attractive to men (and, in fact, met the 'love of my life' when I was easily a size 22). Attractiveness doesn't always have to do with what weight you are, or what size clothes you wear, but about how you feel about yourself on the inside - which is what you project on the outside.

Lack of self-esteem is a right bugger and can cripple even the most beautiful/slimmist of women (and men too for that matter) .. and it can end up being a vicious cycle if you let it get out of hand. I wish I was closer to you as I'd love to see if maybe I could help you work through some of your feelings with my 'Life Coach' hat on .. but if you want to talk on the phone at any time, just give me a shout OK? I can't promise it'll be the answer to all your issues - but sometimes it's just 'good to talk' .. as the short, fat Cockney bloke once said

Lots of love

 

[maisie]

Hey thanks for the replies and support its much appreciated palmettofairy, Isobel & Sharon

Well i re read my post and i really do come over as a pretty sad individual dont i? Actually i quite enjoy my own company and dont feel the need for a man to fulfull me but it would just be nice to have the option, I doubt i must give off the wrong vibes cos they're certainly not breaking their necks to get to me


Believe me when i say what i typed is just the tip of the iceberg ....hey no worries i'm not going to do another novel

I think Isobel and Sharon are probabaly right yes i'm tired i seem to be tired all the time with life in general really. Isnt it great how you can put a face on to the world especially at work everything seems to be normal but...when i get home most nights i wont even answer the phone or the door if i can avoid it. I just hope it passes soon cos i hate feeling like this.
I know that no one has the answers for me, if i don't have them how on earth can anyone else have?

Ok i'm in danger of typing another novel here and i don't have time for that!! i finished up at work today so i'm off to the hairdressers to get me roots done at 9am why oh why didnt i make it a later appointment?? so that i could have a long lie till at least 9am!!!!

I promise i'll try to pull myself together and try to enjoy this holiday!

Just get fed up sometimes trying to be everything to everyone i spose & those same people really arent that interested in whats happening in your life if truth be told.

Yep i know i'm really down on myself at the moment but hopefully it will pass and i'll start feeling a bit better about myself and life in general. I shouldnt take things too much to heart should i then i wouldnt hurt so bloody much!!

Ok bedtime for me night all and thanks for giving me the freedom to type this even if no one reads it

Maisie x x

 

[Libbie]

Morning Maisie.
Have a great pamper at the hairdressers,I love having someone do something for me for a change,do not go often enough though,hope to go more now I am slimmer and feel better about being me.
You sound so low and tied,just have a great rest on your hols and chill out,
My word for the day is CHILEX chill and relax that is the kind of hols you need,
Have a great one come home full of positive vibes to help you to start SSing again.
{{{{HUGS}}}}

 

[Paprika]

Hi Maisie,

Your post rang a few bells with me. For a couple of years I was extremely unhappy, mainly with work (and the people I worked with). I was a director of a company I had jointly founded 8 years before, but my role had changed as the company grew and I hated it, and the office politics/dissagreements. The stress was unbelievable, I had terrible chest pains regularly, anxiety attacks (which I covered very well) was smoking 20 a day and drinking far too much. I didn't sleep well and cried a lot. I went away on holiday knowing things had to change, I felt so trapped by the business, as if I walked away I didn't think it would survive (sounds a bit vain put like that but long story) and I couldn't let the others down.
When on holiday I thought a lot about it - and I read Paul McKenna 'Change your life in 7 days'. The book didn't change my life but it helped me to see that I could make changes and needed to. I had always lived my life to keep other people happy and I think I was heading for a breakdown or heart attack. When I came back I resigned and left, it was difficult. The business folded 4 months later. And now? Life isn't perfect, I have more money worries now, I am doing this and that but not in a fullfilling career as such but you know what? No chest pains at all, no anxiety attacks, I sleep well, I stopped smoking in Feb and not touched one since, I have a drink socially that's all (not when SSing!) and I feel 100% better and happier. My family are happier as they see much more of me, and I am not tense and tearful or snappy at all now. It's the best thing I could have done, but walking away from 8 years of work with nothing and letting others down was very hard. I too had a friend who brought me down a lot, I didn't confront her with it, I just see a lot less of her and can cope with smll doses!
I think my point is, when you are used to putting yourself last and being there for everyone else all the time it is difficult to be 'selfish' and put yourself first, but you really must, for your own state of mind, you owe it to yourself. I have unfortunately lost two close friends in their forties through stress, smoking, drinking and I could have been next. Life is too short to be unhappy.
On the Ex front. I can imagine how that hurts, I had a similar experience of not wanting to get back with my ex but feeling very strange when I saw him happy with someone else, and it wasn't my best friend. He is getting re-married and I am genuinely happy for him, I want him to be happy, but it is a wierd feeling. I think the answer is to be fullfilled in yourself and your own life, then you arn't so affected by what others are doing.
I have waffled on haven't I? Sorry! You have probably nodded off! I have my story on how I met my lovely bloke too... I can so relate to where you are coming from there, if you want I will PM you with it, I don't want him to read about himself on here!

All the best and hope you are feeling more positive,

Carol.

 

[Isis]

Maisie darling,

You Rock!!! It was great to meet you and so hilarious in Buffalo Joe's.

You will find your right path with the right person....SOD EVERYONE ELSE.

p.s As your friend, I'm telling you....YOU CERTAINLY DON'T SMELL OF PEE!!!! (I PMSL at that bit in your post!)

 

[maisie]

Well hello everyone! I've been back from my hols for a few weeks now, refreshed? haha not so sure about that, exhausted? yep sure about that Seriously though i had a great holiday we laughed from the moment we got there till the moment we came home , drank too much, ate too much snogged too many!!
My weight is now 16 stone so major issues there, the plan is to start SSing tomorrow 5 weeks till Christmas so hopefully a few pounds off!
Most things i spoke about in my original posting are still the same unfortunately, but, i'll deal with them, i didnt expect my holiday to solve them if i'm honest. I've just added another complication to it all i think i would like to move to Spain to live and work i dont have the pleasure of not having to work unfortunately i dont speak Spanish and i dont want to work in a bar
Anyway i digress...just a big thanks to the support given to me when i was feeling pretty desolate ...i'm still not great but better than i was. I have Pink to look forward to next Friday! i'll try my best not to eat or drink (alcohol)
I'll post again when i have more time and it aint so bleeding late
Oh and Lacey i'm so glad i dont smell of pee
Luv n stuff
Maisie x x

 

[Isis]

Well hello everyone! I've been back from my hols for a few weeks now, refreshed? haha not so sure about that, exhausted? yep sure about that Seriously though i had a great holiday we laughed from the moment we got there till the moment we came home , drank too much, ate too much snogged too many!!
My weight is now 16 stone so major issues there, the plan is to start SSing tomorrow 5 weeks till Christmas so hopefully a few pounds off!
Most things i spoke about in my original posting are still the same unfortunately, but, i'll deal with them, i didnt expect my holiday to solve them if i'm honest. I've just added another complication to it all i think i would like to move to Spain to live and work i dont have the pleasure of not having to work unfortunately i dont speak Spanish and i dont want to work in a bar
Anyway i digress...just a big thanks to the support given to me when i was feeling pretty desolate ...i'm still not great but better than i was. I have Pink to look forward to next Friday! i'll try my best not to eat or drink (alcohol)
I'll post again when i have more time and it aint so bleeding late
Oh and Lacey i'm so glad i dont smell of pee
Luv n stuff
Maisie x x

MAISIE..!!!!!! Good to see you back girl.....

Sounding brighter than a few weeks ago and smelling as sweet as ever....LOL...

 

[Summerskye]

Hello sweet-smelling Maisie. Lovely to see you back with us again and glad you had such a brill holiday.

Good luck with getting back to SS'ing again .. please don't be a stranger OK?

Lots of love

 

[Isobel1965]

Welcome back, honey!!!!!!!!!!