Totally O/T - Man Trouble...

[binibikini]

Girls and Boys, I have a dilemma and would love some insight please.

Recently I broke up with my bf of 3 years. The man I was certain I was going to marry. Last month I went home to see my family in Asia and I hooked up with my first bf - a guy I've known for 11 yrs and with whom Ive flirted constantly online even when I was attached (reasons for this - we have a connection, history and he's incredibly gorgeous).

Anyway so since i've been back he's somewhat fixated with me saying he wants to marry me, move to be with me. I thought I felt the same way and came back to NY excited and happy (altho a bit wary because of the negatives i.e.

- he is in Asia and I won't be seeing him till March when I go back for hols. The guy I broke up with was in another State here in the US and after things finished with him, I'd promised myself I wouldnt get into another long-dist relationship as I feel I'm cheating myself out of having experiences here in NY.

- he is a muslim and i'm not - my parents would NEVER accept that. They would come around eventually but it would be extremely hard for them - and for me too in a way, as I don't see myself integrating with his M family comfortably.

- while we've knwn each other for years, we havent really spent much time together - he seems to be ok with this and still promising the moon - but that's not ok with me. The best way for us to spend time is if we get married (!!) and gets a visa for here or if I go there.

The dillema is that until today I was sure I could see it thrugh, but more and more I want to live my life here with a flesh&bone man. But I'm finding it hard to let go for these reasons:

- I had my heart seriously broken and it's nice to wake up to someone telling me they love me every morning - even if that's onthe phone.

- I truly care about him and we do have a strong connection and can talk for hours and now that I've found someone who's willing to take all the steps to be with me (more than what my ex did in 3yrs) I'm scared that if I let it go I won't find it again. We do have an undeniable history and connection - and did i mention he is sooooo hot.

- I'm scared of losing my friend.
Normally I would trust my gut and finish it - but my gut was SO wrong about my last relationship (I honestly felt it in my gut and solar plexus and ovaries and whatnot that I was going to spend my life with that one) - that I feel like I can't trust my gut.

Thank you for taking the time to read this - What do you think I should do?

 

[b_n_3003]

hhhmmmm after being in a LTR then maybe you need a little one on one romance, you know someone to hang out with and chat to, chill with etc.
March is a long way off and unless you've made a pact not to 'see anyone else' then I think that you should have fun and make new mates and see what the New Year brings

HTH

 

[Watergirl]

Aww hunnie, what a dilemma. It's your choice what you do and it does need to be your choice or you'll not be happy.
However, for what it's worth I tend to think that no matter how you feel, most people need a period of time on their own after a breakup.

It is hard getting used to being alone. Why do you think so many people don't make the choice to leave a partner until they have found someone else and go from one to the other.

Speaking from experience it is hard to have a relationship end and be alone. However, it made me:

a) Stronger and more confident - I knew I could cope alone
b) Gave me time to learn to love myself
c) Made me have a greater understanding of what I needed in a partner

At the time I thought I was ready for another relationship, but I wouldn't have achieved the above if I had had one.

6 months later I met someone who suited me so much more.

You also sound like you have many, many doubts. You probably know deep down that this person isn't right for you. In the long term some things do matter to the compatibility of a couple and religion/beliefs is one of those things.

I would focus on myself, you have CD to deal with. You want to get that amazing new body and wow all the lovely men who live near to you! Shop around a bit. If something is meant to be, it will still be there when you've done your time alone x

 

[sumayyah]

hun march is a while off yet so im with the others, date/hang out with other guys and get to know what YOU want out of a relationship

the religion thing i can relate to, i was married to a muslim man for 4 years, i know he isnt typical of muslim men but by the end of the marriage i had no idea who i was anymore, i always gave in to his way of doing things, hiding upstairs if he had friends round, always being fully covered up. we have a daughter, now he has nothing to do with her ( shes disabled, he abandoned her ) but if you have a child then how will that child be brought up, religion, schooling, disapline etc

you say you havnt spent much time together, you really really need to before making a decision, so you need a few sheparoned days out ( i know if hes muslim and ur not realated then u need an extra person around, not trying to say you would do anything untoward )

could he get a student visa or an extended tourist visa? i know a couple, hes american, shes russian and she has gone over on a student visa so they can get to know each other deeper ( they did the whole visiting each others country thing ) and in that time they hope to be able to decide if they are right together to marry in which case she can get a fiancee visa and then the spousal visa

i know ive gone on a whole lot ( sorry for that ) but dont go making a rushed decision on the rebound, do whats right for YOU

 

[binibikini]

Thank you. All of you! You're right that im still on the rebound and even though I feel like ive sorted my self out, I really havent yet emotionally. I still think of my ex and what this new chap is providing me is a good distraction and I know that’s only temporary. i do feel like i owe myself some fun here now, really connect with myself.
I've already done the how-to-lose-a-guy-in-ten-days thing where i told him all my neurosis and negatives and 'i could gaim 20lbs, wud you love me then?' and 'dont expect me to be tolerant of your family's religious values in our house' and 'im really OCD and hard to live with' 'if you become religious later in life,I 'will' leave you' - really mean OTT stuff to see if he stays and he has so far.

Maybe i'll start cooling it off a bit - and like Liz said, if he's still around then maybe it's something worth looking into.

Sumayyah I did think of you when I wrote the post originally as I rem from a previous post you said you'd been married to an M man and it was a mistake.

And to both the Becky's - thank you so much for taking the time to respond!

 

[binibikini]

my bf broke up after 5years for a few months, i messed around with 2other guys totally regretted it as myself and bf got back together.

That's my dream scenario - to get back with mine - but it probably won't happen.

Why do I still feel it in my gut though?!:raincloud:

 

[sumayyah]

hun there are some great muslim men out there, i have a few muslim friends who wouldnt dream of doing what my ex did but if i were to marry again these are things i would bring up from the get go cos im never going to let someone have so much control over me ever again, i never want to lose who i am