Traumatised, fat and fed up

[Cazzy_Girl]

Hi guys,

Apologies this maybe a long one, I promise they will get shorter!!!!

I just can't stand it anymore, looking at the layers under my t-shirt and having a 6 year old step daughter that described my boobs as 'long', bloody hell what am I doing to myself, I just can't get out this self destruct mode. I'd spent ages saying to myself that I had something medically wrong with me following on from my pregnancy that ended with severe pre-eclampsia and the loss of my 7 week old premature baby 'Christopher' where I too felt like I was going to die. The Dr's recently concluded there is in fact nothing wrong with me and I knew in my heart it's because I've been emotively eating since I lost lil man 16 months ago. I'm tierd of being kind to myself and understanding that I've been through so much trauma, the truth is I don't even remember weighing 13 stone at any stage yet now I'm 14 st 7lbs!!! My relationship has practically broken down with my other half, he tries hard to bite his tongue but just the look in his eyes and previous comments, I know he''s physically repulsed at the sight of me as I am too. We're good friends but I feel so distant from him now, I just don't think he's ever going to let me back in, it's too much for him to give me a cuddle or to offer his support by a walk in the woods, instead I'm met with a typical answer "do you really need that". Yes I know with people like that in your life it makes things all the harder and trust me this is the tip of the iceburg, but I love him as does he me - the loss of Christopher is somehow keeping us together and I just need to start making things better for me. I'm fed up with feeling so fat and unattractive, tierd down and tearful at times - I'm not this person I've become, she's still there but she's burried so deep inside and I just feel so overwhelmed, everything is such a struggle, I just need to peel her out from under these 'onion layers!

To help with my emotions and the support me with Christopher, I've been taking anti depressants and just finished seeing a counsellor. It was good to get things off my chest but we haven't really got to the bottom of it yet. I just feel like I'm drowning.

The bizarre thing is I'm normally such a strong and postive person but my energy is drained, I'm feeling guilty and fed up most of my waking day when I'm not at work. I know, I know that I can help myself and it's just up to me but I need some help, I'm tired of doing it all on my own and I just want someone to take care of me. I will of course get that kick up the arse I so need but I've been waiting for a while and I'm just piling the pounds and stones on!!!!

This week I WILL be joining slimming world which will only be of use if I actually do it for a change, it's such a bloody challenge though but I have to stop sitting on my arse and do something. I previously lost 5 stone with Rosemary Connley but there is no longer a class in the area so I've got to find another way forwards, please please let it be this time, I'm running out of clothes that fit and I was so embarrased to see a picture of me the other day when I was just so big.

Ho hum, I guess we've got to reach rock bottom before we get up again.

Take care peeps, Caz xx

 

[Melissa2890]

So sorry for your loss! My son was also born very poorly & premature at 6 weeks. I cant imagine your pain & agony.

I myself am doing this to get the old me back & the 'me' that my partner fell in love with!
I just feel horrible & ugly!

We have a 3 year old son together, he works nights, and I'm stuck in the house! So after my sons in bed all I seemed to do was eat!
Enough was enough!!
after googling diets. I came across 'shake that weight' diet replacement shakes! On my 3rd week and have lost a stone!
really good diet, I highly recommend it! Also it's not expensive.

Hope you find the weight loss plan that's right for you
I'm here to chat & for support, xx

 

[Melissa2890]

* 6 weeks early, I meant.


Hope we can support each other on out journeys

 

[hexe]

Hi Caz and a warm welcome to this forum xx

I am so sorry to hear about your loss, I can share your pain, as my first daughter was stillborn in 1995, four weeks before her due date. There is absolutely nothing worse than losing a child, it's like losing a big part of yourself. Yes, it's all those years ago and time is a healer and I've learnt to live with it, but I will always consider myself a mum of three, not of two.
My first marriage did break up following our born asleep baby and I very much hope that you and your partner are strong and will pull through it as a couple xx

You said...."I know he''s physically repulsed at the sight of me as I am too. We're good friends but I feel so distant from him now, I just don't think he's ever going to let me back in, it's too much for him to give me a cuddle or to offer his support by a walk in the woods, instead I'm met with a typical answer "do you really need that"...... You are both still healing. What makes you think he might be repulsed by your appearance? Do you think there could be an element of self-loathing in your thinking that you reflect onto and read into him? Just a suggestion.
Before I started SW I always though my husband would be disgusted by my bigger body, but in hindside and after some long conversations I now know that never crossed his mind. I was just so peed off and unhappy with myself that I believed everybody else must be, too.

Good luck on your journey and I hope you'll find some great support on this forum xx