Trying to help mum lose weight - Am I being unreasonable?

Discussion in 'Strugglers and Restarters' started by happyhealthy, 3 April 2011 Social URL.

  1. happyhealthy

    happyhealthy Omnomnomnom

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    My mum is very very overweight (about 100 pounds) for her 5'0 frame. It's now got to a point were the doctor has said that she NEEDS to loose weight as it's starting to have a very, very, very noticeable effect on her health. As someone who is trying to loose weight myself, I have done everything to help her loose the weight that she wants, but it's turning our relationship into a very troubled one.

    She starts the day with a huge bowl of cereal, then toast and a egg. She then has two baby-bell cheeses around 10pm, a lunch (that I made her) of something quite substantial such as a chicken stir fry, to which I put in tupperware so she can eat on the go and she doesn't have an excuse to buy something unhealthy out a shop. Then around 3pm she'll have a banana and a yoghurt. She then comes home every night where I've made her dinner from stretch - usually a big plate of homemade dinner (which I've tried to make as healthy as possible). She then finishes off the night with fruit.

    I don't see why she needs to eat this much. She has a desk job and doesn't work out - despite being about 90 pounds overweight. I also occasionally find small sweet packets (like pancakes) once a week of so and extras (such as making a pot of soup and having two/three bowls a day under the pretense that it's 'fat free' therefore she can eat as much of it as she wants) and when I challenge her about this we get into a fight and she falls out with me.

    I go to so much effort and time to make sure she gets a lovely breakfast, homemade lunch and dinner, all of a generous size yet she still complains that this doesn't fill her up and that's why she needs to snack so much between meals.

    Am I being unreasonable here? She's my mother, I care for her but whenever I try and get sense into her I'm made out to be a control freak.

    Thanks for all your time x
     
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  3. Mazie6

    Mazie6 Full Member

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    Not in the slightest she is very ve get thatry lucky indeed to have a daughter like you
    :break_diet:
     
  4. WelshCake

    WelshCake Silver Member

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    The thing is unless she wants to lose weigh no amount of "healthy meals" you make will make a blind bit of difference, infact you trying to push her (however well intended) may well have the opposite effect and she will dig her heels in, all you can do is hope one day soon she decides to lose weight
     
  5. happyhealthy

    happyhealthy Omnomnomnom

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    Thanks. She does want to loose weight, but I just feel like she is constantly trying to find loops to eating more. Like today I went downstairs and seen that she'd had a fruit scone and butter (for which I presumed for breakfast) I told her that since it was mother's day I'd make her a 'treat' lunch around 1, to which she replied "That's lovely! Then went into the kitchen to get cereal. I told her, "Mum, you've only got an hour and a half until your big lunch, you don't need to eat that" then she said "But I have my cereal every day, I eat it for the nutritional value". I protested and said "Yes, but I'm making you a special lunch soon so I don't think you need to eat that" and she snapped back "Well I'll be starving all day because I never got my cereal just to please you!!" and now she's in a mood with me.

    Ahh, mothers who would have them?
     
  6. Leanne1

    Leanne1 Silver Member

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    Have a look at the Atkins diet section on here. Read the stickies and the diaries. I am atkinsing and I always feel full. There are loads of little treats she could have on the diet too. So if she just likes eating it could be the way forward perhaps.
     
  7. Morrigan

    Morrigan Full Member

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    I agree with Leanne - perhaps it would be best if your Mum started a named diet plan (such as Atkins, Slimming World etc). This might take the pressure off of you as you are clearly trying your best but your Mum is definitely digging her heels. If she had to make certain choices because of the 'plan' she is less likely to blame you. Diet plans that involve a lot of free food sound best if she is constantly hungry. I think you have done a brilliant job so far by making her meals but perhaps it would be easier for you both if you had some additional help? xxx
     
  8. happyhealthy

    happyhealthy Omnomnomnom

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    Leanne and Morrigan, that's actually a good idea. I think she needs a regime because now when she's denied food she goes in a mood with me because she sees it as ME denying her food, so maybe if she's told what to eat exactly then it'll work better for her
     
  9. Kankles

    Kankles Silver Member

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    It sounds like your mum is a snacker. I would suggest slimming world as you can eat loads and have plenty if snacks.

    You can eat cereal, fruit, yogurts, egg on toast all the things you've stated your mum likes to snack on, but all you need to do is swap the full fat yogurts for fat free, replace White bread with wholemeal bread, fry the eggs in frylight instead of oil and voilĂ  it's SW friendly.

    Take a look at some peoples food diaries on here in the SW section so you can see a typical day. It really is a great plan to be on and doesn't feel like a diet at all. X
     
  10. Kat1e

    Kat1e This is for life

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    I would also recommend you see if she would be willing to do atkins. I could never cut calories as i was always starving all the time - but i discovered once i started that it was the carbs causing it. She would have to want to do it and be willing to feel rough the first week - but after that it's like an addiction has been taken away. Oh yes - and you loose weight too! ;)
     
  11. happyhealthy

    happyhealthy Omnomnomnom

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    Also, she says that these diets are not for her and she's losing weight by healthy eating. To put it in perspective, she's lost 7lb since the week before christmas (while on a diet) and for someone who is 100pounds overweight, I don't think that's anything to write home about. Obviously it should be celebrated but I think she could of lost WAY more if she stuck to a plan. She is just so stubborn!
     
  12. happyhealthy

    happyhealthy Omnomnomnom

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    Thanks for all your advice - it really means a lot :)
     
  13. Mini

    Mini Administrator Staff Member

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    happyhealthy you sound like a fabulous daughter to have but your Mum is never going to lose weight while you are taking all the responsibility for her weight loss.

    You can't control what she eats and it is causing friction between the two of you as long as you think you can.

    The only way forward is for you to step back and let your Mum make her own mistakes and to suffer the consequences and in time she will find her way forward in the head space you once occupied.

    You can still play a vital roll in making sure that you buy in only healthy foods and in that way she can not blame you for having temptations in the house.

    As the others have already mentioned Slimming World would probably suit your Mum and you could mention this to her as you seem to be more than half way there already with all the healthy meals you are cooking and she still could have some treats using her syn allowance.
     
  14. happyhealthy

    happyhealthy Omnomnomnom

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    Mini, you are so right. I'm going to stand back and she can make her own mistakes because it's causing friction when I see her eating food and I advise her against it, only for her to say that I'm trying to control her. A typical night for us can go: "Mum, why are you eating apples? You've already had your dinner" and her usual response is "ITS FRUIT! I need fruit in my diet" even though I've given her plenty of veg/fruit in her breakfast/lunch and dinner meals, either that or "I'm hungry!! I can't help it if I'm hungry' Perhaps in a few weeks when she's realised that my influence was her main motivation then she'll be kinder and allow me to help her again.
     
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  15. Mini

    Mini Administrator Staff Member

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    I know it is tough and I don't have all the answers but I do believe one of the best ways to help your Mum is to put the focus back on yourself and lead by example and in time she will take the lead from you when she is ready as so many of us know only to well on here it is so very difficult to diet if you are not in the Zone.

    In the mean time you can ask her to support you on your diet and tell her what your needs are...relationships are a two way street of give and take and by what you have been saying you seem to be the one who is doing all the giving and this can be exhausting as well as frustrating at times for you.

    Also by asking for your mother's support it gives her a chance to show you how much she cares for you as well.

    Make the most of this special Mothers Day and enjoy your time with your Mum.:hug99:
     
  16. hannata

    hannata I can haz cake?

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    Me and my mum have a relationship a bit like this sadly... I'm the overweight one and my mum always made subtle hints at me when I'm having bad days.

    It honestly doesn't help one bit because, like we all know you simply have to be in the right frame of mind to do anything like this, and someone in your ear about it makes you push away.

    You should suggest going to sw together rather than telling her to go. Might be easier for her to cope if she thought it was an "us" thing rather than just her having to deal with it by herself.
     
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  17. Littleone

    Littleone Full Member

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    Try and enjoy your times together without worrying too much about food, it can ruin life so much - I know you only want to help.

    Try also to give positive feedback as well. It's great she wants to eat apples and get the right nutrition, for example, even if you know she maybe isn't going about it in the right way.
     
  18. happyhealthy

    happyhealthy Omnomnomnom

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    I agree, thank you SO SO much for all your advice. It's helped me take a step back (for a few days anyway!) so that she can take responsibility for her own food. Of course I will still make her dinners for her, but I will hold my tongue at giving her any additional advice in the food department for now. Yesterday I went around the supermarket and bought lots of healthy food that I know she'll like. I told her that I was going to be busy with uni this week thus won't be able to help her as much as I was, but secretly I'll be keeping an eye on her and if she does stick to plan, I'll plan on treating her to the cinema this time next week!

    Thank you so much for taking the time to answer my dilema, mucho appreciated :D
     
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