Mr Gilbo
Full Member
What are you scared of?
It was a question posed to me by a friend. One that I discovered was meant to open up an inner dialogue with myself. Maybe I did need to take one long hard look at myself, and listen to what I had to say. Well I had been ignoring that voice for such a long time now. It’s the voice that tells you what to do, or what you know you should be doing. I however tended to ignore it.
Yes, I might be following a healthy eating plan but I will have that chocolate cake, followed by that biscuit and the rest of the packet. It’s the same voice that tells you that you can’t do something, or that you are not good enough and that she is way out of your league. So you stare from afar, never approaching, never doing anything about, never making a change so small that it might do you some good.
One person I had the pleasure of sitting through their conference called it the tiger, a metaphor for choosing the easy option. Carry on eating the crap that got you to this place in the first place. Or in the case of the girl, ignore her completely, or become her friend even though you actually want more than just friendship. Suffice to say with the latter, those ladies are no longer in my life.
So what is it that I am scared of? I can think of several answers, maybe one of them is the correct one. But, then again all of them could be!
We as a species do not like change. We get comfortable, build a nest of our insecurities and other baggage and don’t like to come out. Well to do so would be admitting to oneself that you were wrong. Although I will happily admit I am not happy with my life, I do not like change! But staying where I currently am will not be indicative to a long a happy life. I suffer from backache, knee ache, ankles swell up and the feet hurt if I walk too far. I get out of breath quickly, and I am always hot and sweaty. It’s not pleasant but why am I resistant to change?
Maybe I am scared of what I will become. A voyage into the unknown if what I will end up embarking on if I want to lose all of my weight. Will I change for the better or for the worse?! I cannot tell this without getting on that preverbal wagon that all dieters seem to talk about. See the journey to the end as it were.
What happens when you reach the end? I weigh I would guess at approximately 29 stone. So I would need to lose 16 stone. At the end of that journey I would be faced with a lot of saggy skin. I certainly wouldn’t find that attractive, and I doubt neither would someone else. Maybe I am wrong, I have been told that it’s the personality that deems compatibility and long-term survivability in the relationship stakes. But, I feel that attraction needs to be there initially.
I do worry about appearances; I have been told that I do have a good sense of style. I look longing at clothing that I cannot wear due to my size, or perhaps my sexual orientation. Whoever heard of a straight man wearing a sparkly suit that wasn’t performing on stage! Lol
Everyone wants to be accepted in life, we all seek reassurance from family and friends throughout our lives. I need to know that I am loved, that there are those who care for me, and wish the best for me.
I can only remember me ever being large. I vividly remember having to have the school blazer ordered in specially. I don’t however remember the taunts at school. Perhaps I was lucky and the kids picked on someone else, or I am suppressing these memories.
I recall at the age of 13 being taken to Weight Watchers by my Nana. It didn’t work for me. The first of many failed diets I have tried. I did briefly succeed back in 2002/03 with Slimming World where I lost 7st 3lbs and got down to 19st. But since then I have tried and failed on occasions far too numerous to count, or remember. But the number of those Slimming World folders I can see whilst I type is four. Probably the number of times I re-joined last year! On each occasion I could always make it past the first few weeks. Usually racking up a total weight lost of 2st before I would fall off that wagon. I would always put back on what I lost and more. Cumulating in what I am today, the heaviest I have ever been.
So what now? What can I do to halt this? What do I need to reverse this? Is Lighter Life the answer that I am seeking? I know that the effort will have to be put in; otherwise I will fail again.
My initial consultation is tomorrow. Yes I am scared and nervous about it. I certainly don’t think I could do anymore research on the programme. Did I answer my friends posing question? Maybe, maybe not. This isn’t something that I am going to be answer in one journal entry. It will take time for me to discover the truth, find out my failing, and to be able to accept myself. I am grateful that I have friends who will hold my hand along the way.
I am what I am.
It was a question posed to me by a friend. One that I discovered was meant to open up an inner dialogue with myself. Maybe I did need to take one long hard look at myself, and listen to what I had to say. Well I had been ignoring that voice for such a long time now. It’s the voice that tells you what to do, or what you know you should be doing. I however tended to ignore it.
Yes, I might be following a healthy eating plan but I will have that chocolate cake, followed by that biscuit and the rest of the packet. It’s the same voice that tells you that you can’t do something, or that you are not good enough and that she is way out of your league. So you stare from afar, never approaching, never doing anything about, never making a change so small that it might do you some good.
One person I had the pleasure of sitting through their conference called it the tiger, a metaphor for choosing the easy option. Carry on eating the crap that got you to this place in the first place. Or in the case of the girl, ignore her completely, or become her friend even though you actually want more than just friendship. Suffice to say with the latter, those ladies are no longer in my life.
So what is it that I am scared of? I can think of several answers, maybe one of them is the correct one. But, then again all of them could be!
We as a species do not like change. We get comfortable, build a nest of our insecurities and other baggage and don’t like to come out. Well to do so would be admitting to oneself that you were wrong. Although I will happily admit I am not happy with my life, I do not like change! But staying where I currently am will not be indicative to a long a happy life. I suffer from backache, knee ache, ankles swell up and the feet hurt if I walk too far. I get out of breath quickly, and I am always hot and sweaty. It’s not pleasant but why am I resistant to change?
Maybe I am scared of what I will become. A voyage into the unknown if what I will end up embarking on if I want to lose all of my weight. Will I change for the better or for the worse?! I cannot tell this without getting on that preverbal wagon that all dieters seem to talk about. See the journey to the end as it were.
What happens when you reach the end? I weigh I would guess at approximately 29 stone. So I would need to lose 16 stone. At the end of that journey I would be faced with a lot of saggy skin. I certainly wouldn’t find that attractive, and I doubt neither would someone else. Maybe I am wrong, I have been told that it’s the personality that deems compatibility and long-term survivability in the relationship stakes. But, I feel that attraction needs to be there initially.
I do worry about appearances; I have been told that I do have a good sense of style. I look longing at clothing that I cannot wear due to my size, or perhaps my sexual orientation. Whoever heard of a straight man wearing a sparkly suit that wasn’t performing on stage! Lol
Everyone wants to be accepted in life, we all seek reassurance from family and friends throughout our lives. I need to know that I am loved, that there are those who care for me, and wish the best for me.
I can only remember me ever being large. I vividly remember having to have the school blazer ordered in specially. I don’t however remember the taunts at school. Perhaps I was lucky and the kids picked on someone else, or I am suppressing these memories.
I recall at the age of 13 being taken to Weight Watchers by my Nana. It didn’t work for me. The first of many failed diets I have tried. I did briefly succeed back in 2002/03 with Slimming World where I lost 7st 3lbs and got down to 19st. But since then I have tried and failed on occasions far too numerous to count, or remember. But the number of those Slimming World folders I can see whilst I type is four. Probably the number of times I re-joined last year! On each occasion I could always make it past the first few weeks. Usually racking up a total weight lost of 2st before I would fall off that wagon. I would always put back on what I lost and more. Cumulating in what I am today, the heaviest I have ever been.
So what now? What can I do to halt this? What do I need to reverse this? Is Lighter Life the answer that I am seeking? I know that the effort will have to be put in; otherwise I will fail again.
My initial consultation is tomorrow. Yes I am scared and nervous about it. I certainly don’t think I could do anymore research on the programme. Did I answer my friends posing question? Maybe, maybe not. This isn’t something that I am going to be answer in one journal entry. It will take time for me to discover the truth, find out my failing, and to be able to accept myself. I am grateful that I have friends who will hold my hand along the way.
I am what I am.