What's wrong with me?

Discussion in 'General Weight Loss Discussion' started by Gerry, 18 March 2010 Social URL.

  1. Gerry

    Gerry Full Member

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    Just over a year ago, I was on here on the Surgical Weight Loss forum, and awaiting my Gastric Bypass op. In a nut shell, the hospital seem to have totally forgotten me. My GP wrote to them to buck them up - still no response, although if I am honest, I don't think I am 100% comitted to that anymore. I've been using the Tesco version of slimfast shakes, and managed to loose about 2 stone with that. I was over 21 and a half stone at worst, now down to just over 19 and a half. Had a bit of a lapse and went back over 20 and a half, but now back down to 19 and a half.

    Anyhow, my main problem was boredom, and the 'see food diet'. I'd see food and eat it.

    Just lately though, something different has happened to me that I have never experienced before. I truly don't want food. I don't feel hungry, don't see something and want to shovel it in, and some days nothing except drink (tea, not alcohol - I don't 'drink' as such), passes my lips until the evening meal, and then only because I know I have to, but afterwards I just feel like a fat pig and like I could have done without it.

    I feel quite depressed too. Tearful and uninterested in anything except avoiding food. I've never felt like this before. I do feel tired and today I fell asleep for a few hours late afternoon/early evening. There is food in the house that I know needs to be used up or it's going to end up thrown away, and previously I'd have been eating it, but now I feel like chucking it before the date because I don't want it. When we went shopping this week, our bill was down by a third because I just walked past all the stuff I usually routinely put in the trolley. All I bought myself was a bag of museli, but not even touched that.

    I feel weird, but can't desribe it, and just want to sleep or cry. Weighed myself the other day and was a few ounces under 20st. By the next day I'd lost 3lb.

    Anyone else ever had this?
     
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  3. Wannabeaminime

    Wannabeaminime Full Member

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    Aww hun im sorry to hear you're feeling low. ive not had this myself but it sounds like maybe you're depressed with being messed about etc. Maybe speaking to a doctor would be a good idea.
    Hope you feel better soon
    xx
     
  4. breadbin

    breadbin Full Member

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    sorry too to hear you're suffering gerry. hope your mood picks up soon. maybe its fate that you haven't heard if you're feeling you don't want to go through with it. good news about the 2 stone though. long may it continue:)

    chin up about this now too -- hang in there.
     
  5. vanda

    vanda plodding away

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    So sorry you are feeling low. I agree with wanna that maybe a trip to the gp is needed. You are describing symptoms of what is possibly depression, a trip to the gp would help to rule out or in any possible physical reason for the change.

    It is usual to have low days but if they continue for longer than 2 weeks it is wise to speak to your gp.

    I do hope you feel better soon.
     
  6. Gerry

    Gerry Full Member

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    Thanks, I've suffered from depression in the past, and I do feel low just now (crying as I write this). Lots going on in my life just now, and I feel like I'm constantly on the go...but always to the aid of others, never for myself. I'm trying to help my two youngest with their college/school work, trying to be there for one of the older ones who is currently going through an Employment Tribunal with no legal support (her earnings cancel out access to legal aid, but she is in debt so can't afford representation and trying to get referred to one of the free agencies is one on going hassle after another). I'm therefore trying to do all the paperwork for her as she's on the verge of breakdown herself and has only just started a new job so can't take time off. Without going into too much lengthy detail, I feel 'used' at home, and like I'm the only one who ever does anything, despite my disabilities (and I'm not talking about the kids here).

    In the past when I've felt down, I have always sought comfort in food, but this time I have no interest in it.

    I'm 48 and coming up for the menopause, so don't know if it's anything to do with that.

    I just want to sleep all the time and walk away from everything that is pulling me down just now. If I had somewhere to go, I'd leave this minute.

    Sorry, don't mean to drag anyone else down with my tales of woe. Just don't have anyone else to share it with. I've no friends, as I rarely go out to meet any. I just want to sleep and hope it all goes away (which I know it won't).

    :cry:
     
  7. breadbin

    breadbin Full Member

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    aw gerry thats terrible:( my heart goes out to you. i know you want to help your kids but you have to look after yourself first. only then will you be able to help them. i've no experience with the menopause so can't comment on that but seems like you're in a bad place at the moment. on a positive note you are looking for support which is great and good on you! suppose it wont help if i say it will get better? first port of call should be talking to your doctor if you get on well with them, if not find a new one. don't know if i'm out of line here but no thoughts of hurting yourself? glad you posted though, you'll get loads of support here

    any other people you can talk to? family, partner etc?
     
  8. Gerry

    Gerry Full Member

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    Thank you breadbin. No, no family. Partner is part of the problem. It's like looking after another child. He doesn't do any of the usual things a husband is meant to do like wash the car, mow the lawn, decorating, household repairs etc. It's all down to me. I feel I was better off when I was a single parent with six children to raise.

    I've had depression on and off for years, and I know I will probably come through it like I always have, but it just seems to have built up and I already know that even when I feel brighter, that all the hassles and problems will still be there, just the same, nothing having changed, and so it will keep on going round in circles. :(

    Haven't exactly been making plans to 'do myself in', nor do I want to try for the sympathy vote by suggesting it. But, I have to confess to wondering why I am still here fighting it.

    I think what seems different this time, is my relationship with food, because always in the past, when I am down, my food intake goes up, yet this time I am quite simply not interested in it. I know I can't be anorexic at 19 and a half stone, but I am just totally off food and would rather sleep than eat. Ok, so I know not stuffing my face is a good thing in some ways, and will undoubtedly help me loose weight, but it's alien to me not to have eaten like this or have any appetite at all. I just feel tired. All I want to do is get back into bed and sleep.
     
  9. OneDeterminedChick

    OneDeterminedChick Oh my gosh, im back AGAIN

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    Hi Gerry, would your partner and kids not be willing to sit down with you and listen to how you feel? Have none of then noticed the change in you?

    Take care chick and hope things get better...xx
     
  10. Gerry

    Gerry Full Member

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    To be perfectly honest Shlinz, I doubt it would make any difference. My daughters will do things when I ask, and often make me cups of tea, especially when they see me upset. My partner sees nothing unusual. Just thinks I'm 'having another down phase' and will come out of it. Even if I did tell him (again) that I feel he's not pulling his weight, he will clean the car and mow the grass once, then back to how it's always been.

    When I was a single parent, I done it because there was no one else. Knowing there is someone else would could, but doesn't just makes it worse.
     
  11. OneDeterminedChick

    OneDeterminedChick Oh my gosh, im back AGAIN

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    I think that's men in general. My hubby needs reminding all the time or he just won't do it, but like you I just tend to do it all myself. With regards to mowing the lawn all I get is....well you wanted the house with the garden, I told you I don't like gardening!!!

    Us women really have to do everything to get it done right anyway!!

    Can you not treat yourself to a day out, even just browsing in the shops or a garden centre and stop somewhere nice for a coffee.

    Alternatively just play them all at their own game...don't do any housework, cooking, helping and see how they all get on!!!

    <<hugs>>xx
     
  12. tarotwoman

    tarotwoman Loves life

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    Hi Gerry, Sorry you're feeling like this, like breadbin says, you really should see a doctor. Even if it is the menopause it doesn't matter, it still needs treating.

    Tracey
     
  13. vanda

    vanda plodding away

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    Hi Gerry

    So sorry you are still feeling low but I am going to repeat myself and say again please visit the GP. You may need medication to help you get through this very rough period.

    Menopause can affect moods and feelings too, the GP can help with that but you need to go and see them.

    If you ever feel low in and have no one to talk to the samaritans are fab. I have telephoned them once in the past. They cannot make the problems go away but they can listen.

    If your family don't or won't listen you may have to accept the fact that they will not change but you can. Make time for yourself and put yourself first at least sometimes. You may not feel able to make any
    changes while you feel this low, but will be able to when you feel better - and you will if you get the help you need.

    Look after yourself.
     
  14. breadbin

    breadbin Full Member

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    how are you getting on now gerry? is there any change in your mood or circumstances?
     
  15. Gerry

    Gerry Full Member

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    Thanks for asking breadbin. No, no change.

    I know I'm depressed as I've suffered with depression on and off since my teens (I'm now nearly 48). I guess one blessing is that I realise what depression is and how it affects me, where as in the past I kind of went with it not knowing what was happening. Back in my 20's I got hooked on anti-depressants and couldn't function without them. Eventually I realised that and weaned myself off them. Hence why I am reluctant to go back on them again. I don't feel they help the problem, which is caused by the situation around me. If it's me taking the pills, that's not going to improve the root cause of it..

    I think the main cause has to be my immediate family. I don't mind helping my daughters with their homework, but sometimes the constant running around, lifts here, putting up with other people (friends of the eldest who's still living at home) being here, and the worst part of all....trying to cope with my husband who drives me batty with how much of a slob he is.

    As a for instance, every morning and night, he will drag his bike through the house to put it in the back garden. Last year we paid a small fortune to have our hall/stairs/landing re-decorated. Every time he goes in and out, he takes another lump out of the paint. It looks terrible. There are scratches on my car where he scrapes it against that and then when he changes, we have all his waterproofs hanging from doors etc. Coats and panniers thrown on the floor on his side of the desk in the office (along with everything else he's dropped and can't be bothered to pick up). It's a culmination of loads of little things that I feel every day I have to go around behind him and clear up. I never get time for myself. If I leave them and don't say anything, then he think's it's great as he's not got nagged over it, if I do say anything he gets stressed because I've mentioned it.

    I'm going to be honest here and say that this last bout of extreme tearfulness started the Friday before last. I had to have someone in to do a repair. I wasn't happy with the job they had done (leaky toilet) as fresh water had dripped down from an inlet pipe and seeped round the bottom of the toilet, underneath a clear sealant that seals the pan to the floor. It had all gone black and anyone who saw it thought the worst and that it needed cleaning. What it needed was the clear sealant digging out, cleaning thoroughly and replacing. When I phoned to complain that the job had not been done, the repair man had reported in his notes that "the place needed a damn good clean". I burst into tears, as my bathroom is only a year old and since it was put in I am OCD about keeping it spotless. I'd purposely made sure the toilet was sparkling (apart from this blackness around the toilet which I couldn't get to obviously). It emerged that he'd said this because when he came downstairs, I'd not heard him until he was in the office, and obviously all my husband's clutter was the first thing he saw. It does look a tip and normally I'd have not allowed anyone in there, but I didn't hear him coming. He went back saying the place was full of junk and that it was filthy and needed cleaning. I burst into tears on the phone to the person I was talking to as I felt so utterly humiliated :cry:. I may be disabled and find things difficult, but my house is by no means dirty. I demanded that they send an inspector round and when he visited, he said it all looked fine to him, just very 'Tudorish' with the beams etc. He dug at the sealant with a pen knife, and agreed what I was saying. He left and once again I burst into tears, knowing that he knew what this guy had said. I in turn felt that what the original guy had said was because of the slovenly mess my other half had left on his side of the desk that the guy had seen and reported back.

    It's not just in the office, his side of the bed is littered with a weeks worth of underwear that he will only bring down once I've done the washing. He makes toast and leaves crumbs all over the side, then leaves the plate and knife there for someone else to put in the dishwasher. He makes tea and leaves the spoon on the worktop (beside the spoon rest!!!), and fills pots and pans that have been used to cook things like veg or pasta etc, with water and leaves them soaking....ok in normal situations, but he doesn't empty the food out of them first, so you end up with minging water with pasta and sauce floating in it, then he empties it in the sink and blocks the plug so yours truly has to deal with it.

    Am I just being a whinging wife here?

    Sorry to have gone on at length, but it's helped to write just a tiny bit of it down.
     
  16. vanda

    vanda plodding away

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    Sorry to hear things are still not so good Gerry. I realise anti depressants do not make your problems go away but they should lift your mood enough that you are able to make some decisions about how your life is and what you can do about it.

    I can understand you not wanted to get hooked and only you know what is best for you - I dont wish to sound harsh but unless you do something nothing will change.

    I'm pleased that writing about things is helping a tad, you sound as if you need to find a way to cope with whats happening around you or how to change your circumstances.

    You do have some power over what happens in your life - dig deep and you will find it again.

    Best wishes
     
  17. Gerry

    Gerry Full Member

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    Thank you Vanda.

    It's nice to know there are people out there who care ;)
     
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  19. breadbin

    breadbin Full Member

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    hi gerry, sorry to hear you aren't too much better. i was hoping you would be over the weekend. i suppose there are 2 big positives to come from this. first being that it helped to write down your thoughts and i suppose the fact that people are reading and understanding here too. the second is that you have experience with depression and that you know that it will get better in time. sometimes its hard to remember that when you are so down so maybe if you keep a journal of your moods it will bring home the good days:)

    i think now is probably not the right time to have it out with your family, just concentrate on getting out of the depression first whichever way you do that, try and get time out for yourself. exercise is an amazing way to get the bodies own feel good chemicals moving. try an hours brisk walk every day - you owe it to yourself and just learn to say no. sorry if i come across as patronising. not intentional:)
     
  20. Gerry

    Gerry Full Member

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    Not at all breadbin. Thanks for taking the trouble to keep looking.

    Today I feel a little better, and have even baked a cake this morning. Not because I feel like eating it (the family will see to that part of it later) but just because I wanted to do something I wanted to do, rather than something I needed to do for someone else. I actually enjoyed it. All the nasty things are still there, but I feel that at the moment I am in front of them (if that makes sense).

    Anyhow, thanks again for caring.
     
  21. vanda

    vanda plodding away

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    Great news that you wanted to do something today Gerry. I remember when I had depression and finding pleasure in anything is so difficult so a step in the right direction.

    I know when I was really low the thought of doing anything at all was enough to send me back to bed, but I did try and do one thing just for me a day and day by day increased this.

    Really pleased for you and hope things improve for you.
     
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