Blonde Logic
Yes. You can.
Ahh yes, a cup of coffee, a litre of water, a smoke and some early morning ramblings...
Yesterday I was wondering what it is going to be like when I am thin. (right there is a notable difference - usually I would have said I wonder what it's like to be thin - referring to others, not myself). But this time is different - I am planning on my future being slim. Definatly a different approach and outlook this time. Interesting.
Anyway, I was wondering if I will recognise that I am thin, when I get there. All my life, as said in previous posts, I felt horrible and overweight, and this fat thing that noone could stand to look at, to touch, to love. But looking back on photos, I know, logically, that was not the case. I WAS slim!! <shaing head> If only I could have seen that just once - things might have turned out differently?
How will I look at myself now I wonder....when I am slim. Will I have shed that horrible self image? Or will I always feel unworthy and fat.
I suppose that is sort of what I was talking about on Claire's thread, about being frightened of actually being thin. That is one aspect of it. Am I ever going to SEE it.
The mirror does play tricks on one. When I went to our chirtsmas doo just this past christmas, as I said, I was dreading it. So I tried to find something that was 'ok' to wear and made me look at least 'ok'. And I thought I had. The typical black and dark clothes. But looking in the mirror that night - I thought it was passable, but then, seeing photos aferwards I wanted to shrivel up and dissappear! I was embarassed by them, and ashamed. And I wonder what the others must have said when they saw the pics. (I hate not being the owner of the camera at public doos - I just know they are going to see horrible photos. At least if its mine - I can delete them!)
So yes, I find the mirror an interesting thing.
IF when I was thin, I saw myself as fat - and now that I am fat, I see myself as 'just passable' (definatly denial!)....how will I know if I truly see myself for what I am. Do we see what we want to see?
And if so - why did I choose to see myself as fat when I was younger, when I was not? Why would I care so little about myself to 'punish' me like that? That still makes me sad. SO much time lost.
Something to ponder.
As Suns' post said, I know I will ALWAYS have to be on guard with my weight. It will never come naturally. And I suppose I could feel sorry for myself, and sometimes I do a little if I am honest, but everybody has got some monkey on their back. I guess this is mine.
So much is going to change, isn't it. Shedding the equivelant of another person is going to have big a impact on the psyche.
I hope I'm ready!
X
Yesterday I was wondering what it is going to be like when I am thin. (right there is a notable difference - usually I would have said I wonder what it's like to be thin - referring to others, not myself). But this time is different - I am planning on my future being slim. Definatly a different approach and outlook this time. Interesting.
Anyway, I was wondering if I will recognise that I am thin, when I get there. All my life, as said in previous posts, I felt horrible and overweight, and this fat thing that noone could stand to look at, to touch, to love. But looking back on photos, I know, logically, that was not the case. I WAS slim!! <shaing head> If only I could have seen that just once - things might have turned out differently?
How will I look at myself now I wonder....when I am slim. Will I have shed that horrible self image? Or will I always feel unworthy and fat.
I suppose that is sort of what I was talking about on Claire's thread, about being frightened of actually being thin. That is one aspect of it. Am I ever going to SEE it.
The mirror does play tricks on one. When I went to our chirtsmas doo just this past christmas, as I said, I was dreading it. So I tried to find something that was 'ok' to wear and made me look at least 'ok'. And I thought I had. The typical black and dark clothes. But looking in the mirror that night - I thought it was passable, but then, seeing photos aferwards I wanted to shrivel up and dissappear! I was embarassed by them, and ashamed. And I wonder what the others must have said when they saw the pics. (I hate not being the owner of the camera at public doos - I just know they are going to see horrible photos. At least if its mine - I can delete them!)
So yes, I find the mirror an interesting thing.
IF when I was thin, I saw myself as fat - and now that I am fat, I see myself as 'just passable' (definatly denial!)....how will I know if I truly see myself for what I am. Do we see what we want to see?
And if so - why did I choose to see myself as fat when I was younger, when I was not? Why would I care so little about myself to 'punish' me like that? That still makes me sad. SO much time lost.
Something to ponder.
As Suns' post said, I know I will ALWAYS have to be on guard with my weight. It will never come naturally. And I suppose I could feel sorry for myself, and sometimes I do a little if I am honest, but everybody has got some monkey on their back. I guess this is mine.
So much is going to change, isn't it. Shedding the equivelant of another person is going to have big a impact on the psyche.
I hope I'm ready!
X
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