A little humour

Discussion in 'Lipotrim Forum' started by lynseyloo, 11 February 2009 Social URL.

  1. lynseyloo

    lynseyloo Member

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    This is very funny!



    A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

    Dear Diary,
    For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
    Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
    I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified h erself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
    My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
    ________________________________
    MONDAY:
    Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
    Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
    Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
    ________________________________
    TUESDAY:
    I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally mad e it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
    _______________________________
    WEDNESDAY:
    The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a Nissan in the club parking lot.
    Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
    My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an act ivity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other **** too.
    _______________________________
    THURSDAY:
    Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.
    Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny ***** to find me.
    Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
    _____________________
    FRIDAY:
    I hate that ***** Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
    Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't hav e any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
    The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
    ________________________________
    SATURDAY:
    Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching ele ve n straight hours of the Weather Channel.
    ________________________________
    SUNDAY:
    I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little ****) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
     
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  3. ChellyWellyBoot

    ChellyWellyBoot I will be skinny again!!!

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    lol
     
  4. Yorkshire Adam

    Yorkshire Adam Gold Member

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    that made me chuckle
     
  5. Purpleangel

    Purpleangel Silver Member

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    that was brilliant!
     
  6. NewYearNewMe

    NewYearNewMe Full Member

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    I love it!!
     
  7. vodevil

    vodevil =)

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    LOL!!
     
  8. LovelyLauren

    LovelyLauren My husband = My hero

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    hahahaha that was fantastic! sounds just about right i think!! x
     
  9. Want2bMe!

    Want2bMe! Full Member

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    Lol so true, personal trainers are on the devils payroll!!!!
     
  10. blue eyes

    blue eyes Positive and focused!

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    lol I liked that! XX
     
  11. miss_unknown

    miss_unknown Banned

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    Diet, what diet?
    well that brought a smile to me face..lol
     
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