A quest for the old happy Em

[EmmyLou30]

Thanks a lot Jane, it's nice to know I have support on here and somewhere to come when I need to vent. I'm not sure others really get it unless they've had struggles with their weight themselves, and as for the hair....well obviously friends and family sympathise but they see me getting on with life and ignoring the fact half my head is actually bald now with odd patches of hair here and there (luckily the bits that have hair are on top so I can comb it down over the bald parts if I part it right) so they assume it's all ok now.

Funnily enough being a woman and losing your hair will never be ok, and yes of course I still look over every inch of my head every night after I've washed my hair to see if it's getting worse and although I've come to terms with it now like putting it in a pony tail at the gym regardless of the baldness on show (just too hot to be vain about it) or swimming, it still upsets me every now and again when I think about it.

On that rather self pitying note I'm actually feeling a lot better today, mentally at least. Especially after you saying you like my openess and sense of humour Jane - I never really thought I had much of a sense of humour and thought my openess was a flaw as much as an asset as I don't tend to control it as much as I should ;-) So thank-you for that, that was really sweet of you.

Physically I'm feeling all blobby and rough as I've had a visit from my little red friend this morning which is fantastic....yes I know, I did mean to type fantastic then, it wasn't a typo! It's my second since coming off that pill and I thought the first was a one off....but the first arrived 4 weeks after coming off it, and this one 4 weeks again. This is the most regular I've been in my life without the aid of the pill!! I know some people wait ages for their first one and I was expecting it to be months or even a year so to have 2 straight away makes me feel so much more confident that my PCOS is maybe getting a little better thanks to me losing the weight I have! I know they say that's the first thing you should do to help it but I found out I had it at my slimmest so never thought weight would be a factor for me in helping it. Well whether it has helped or not, I'm still pleased to see my little red friend as it makes me feel kinda 'normal' like everyone else now

Also might account for that extra pound this week....well I can but hope ;-)

 

[EmmyLou30]

Ok, so I went out for a meal last week and may have had a doughnut at a friends on Saturday but I'm not sure I really deserved a 3.2lb gain this week!!?? Goodness knows where that came from....I'm just 0.3lb from seeing 13 stone on the scales again now and I've given up clinging onto my 3.5 stone award as I don't deserve to keep it on my signature. I'll put it back on once I get back there and then it'll feel more of an achievement again. Tonight at club is going to be horendous as I really don't think I consumed 11,200 calories too many last week to account for such a gain so I'm really hacked off.

Not sure what's going on with me, my head obviously just isn't in the right place at the moment to be doing it properly. Need to sort it out before it all goes back on like Mum said it would :-(

 

[EmmyLou30]

Well 2lb on at fat club last night so not as bad as I expected. Got to work hard this week now to get as much of that off as possible and get this moving in the right direction again!

 

[TrimTrixy]

Is that what your mum said Emmylou? about it going back on? Well you'll have to flipping well prove her wrong xx

 

[EmmyLou30]

Yeah, Mum said a while back I was stupid to get rid of my old 'big' clothes as "you're bound to put it all on again like you did last time". Such confidence in me. My boyfriend is always telling me she's responsible for my lack of self worth as he can see that the way she is must have had an effect as I grew up - her negativity about everything is why I'm such a negative person. I've always been a glass half empty, whoops dropped it on the floor and smashed it too, kinda girl

I do want to prove her wrong though and get some confidence back. I realise I have friends and a boyfriend so I can be neither ugly or a bad person or else I wouldn't have them. Just need to keep remiding myself of that

Just noticed you're getting close to your target TrimTrixy, well done!! Hope you stay with us here on minimins when you're there

 

[TrimTrixy]

My mum can be a 'cow' at times also, she can be guilty of only seeing the bad in people. I actually realised a long time ago she is very unhappy inside, so you're not the only one. I decided not to let it affect me anymore, she is probably the reason I was overweight as a child and teenager, but it's up to me to sort myself out as an adult
Yeah didn't think of it that I'm getting close to my target! I'm going to lower it a bit more when I reach it, I'll be happy when I'm a comfy size 12 I think??? I'm still a way off that as I still can't get into some 14s.
But yes I'll def stick around, the hardest part is keeping it off and that's something I've realised I will have to battle with for the rest of my life.
Keep at it Emmylou, you'll get there
and keep smiling, don't let anyone get you down xxx

 

[EmmyLou30]

I've set my goal of 11 stone as my initial goal but like you TrimTrixy I might review that when I get there as I'm more interested in being a small to average size 14 than what weight that makes me. I'm getting back into big 16's at the moment bottom wise and 18's on top.

You already look slim in your picture though and you have a lovely shaped face. You can see you're close to target

 

[TrimTrixy]

Thank you you're a sweetie and btw I think you're a pretty positive person, you're sticking with it even though you've had lots of trouble with your meds. There's a lady at my class with the same problem, she sticks with it when only losing small amounts or gaining and those little losses have added up just like yours. I have nothing but admiration for you

 

[EmmyLou30]

Aw thanks, it's good to hear from other people who understand just how hard it is to keep going with it when it's so sloooooow It's 3 stone 4lb I've lost even if it has taken me over a year so no wonder I get stuck in a bored rut with it every now and again. No-one in my class knows I lost 3 stone before joining or that I have medical issues as it's never come up.

The consultant never asked me any questions when I joined and she seemed really busy that day so I didn't bore her with the story! I might have to explain though as I'm starting to look really lame having lost just 5lb since joining 14 weeks ago. Most people would be on their 1.5 or 2 stone award by now. Some joined after me and have got there so they must look upon me and think 'well she's just not trying'. I worry far too much about what others think as you may have gathered

 

[Jane R]

Hi EmmyLou, sorry that you are going through a difficult time. You have to remember what you have achieved despite battling with health issues and the medication that goes with it. You have a lot to be proud of and I am certain that you will not need those bigger clothes. Sticking with it in the slow lane takes true grit EmmyLou so well done! x

 

[EmmyLou30]

A STS this week (or a 0.2lb loss to be very precise but that's not really much more than a toilet visit!). Better than a gain and I did have a meal out this week (although I counted calories that day and only had 1200 for the whole day). I'd have liked a half pound loss just to reward my efforts as I did stick to it this week but nevermind. Maybe I was on for a gain really and my good efforts stopped it....yes, that sounds better ;-)

 

[Jane R]

Good luck with your WI tonight EmmyLou! x

 

[EmmyLou30]

My STS from Sunday had increased to a 0.5lb gain at class last night :-( Back to the gym tonight though and a 100% day ahead hopefully. Really want a loss next week as it's getting a bit ridiculous now.

 

[Jane R]

Hop that you are having a better week EmmyLou. x

 

[EmmyLou30]

The week hasn't been a success :-( I have been to the gym though and I'm off again tonight but food wise it's been a bit rubbish. Nothing crazy like takeaways or meals out, just the odd bowl of cereal etc that I shouldn't have.

Having recieved the electric bill yesterday I think chucking stuff on oven trays (even if they are low syn) will have to reduce a bit as it was extortionate!! We've somehow increased our usage by a further 25% and lots more oven use seems to stand out as the culprit....new halogen spotlights in the bathroom maybe instead of the original single bulb and too much telly! It's not like we're struggling to pay it (yet) but it's the principal, we're being too wasteful.

Now we finally have carpet on our stairs after over 2 years with exposed gripper rods and underlay I can now invite guests for dinner. My first [STRIKE]victims[/STRIKE] guests are coming on Saturday and she's calorie counting at the moment.....oh, and doesn't like any fruit or veg! so most of my vegetarian fare isn't going to be suitable. We've agreed on vegetarian spag bol as it's low calorie, low syn and we're lying to her husband about the lack of meat! I'm stuck on pud though so any ideas gratefully recieved. I'm thinking the choc and orange SW bread pudding but not sure it's quite right for 'normal' eaters due to the fromage frais/yoghurt twang to it that a lot of SW recipes have. It is low in calories too though so would suit her as well as me.

 

[EmmyLou30]

Two weeks weigh ins for the price of one in this diary entry as last week was a bit hectic so I didn't get a chance to get on here. I've lost just over a pound in that time so not too bad. I think that's had more to do with doing a bit of exercise as much as what I've been eating as I don't remember the last time I wrote down my A's B's and syns - very bad of me. Today is the start of a new week though and all focussed on achieving some 100% days as well as some gym sessions.

I know if I'm honest with myself that I've not been taking it seriously, too much breakfast cereal, too much bread, the odd bag of chocolate buttons or cashew nuts in secret....secret eating is never a good sign is it!? I should count myself lucky that I've stayed around the same weight really. I'm 2.5lbs over my lightest weight so a few weeks from getting back to that but it is achievable if I set my mind to it.

The biggest reasons for my faffing of late is a combination of the usual 'I'm so hard done by' feelings that make you want to screw the diet and just eat nice things for a change and feel like you're not being punished for once (even though we all know this doesn't help in the long run) and the slightly more contented feeling with the size I am right now so less motivation to lose more in any great hurry. When you have 5.5 stone to lose that's a lot more motivating to me personally than 2 stone to lose which is where I am now almost. I no longer have rolls of back fat touching eachother (used to have it sat roll on top of roll even when stood up perfectly straight), I can hold my bum with my hands properly without too much spilage (not that I do that often of course, I'm just aware it's a much smaller thing than it used to be and hands seem as good a way as any to measure it!), my thighs don't rub together as much, and on a shopping trip with a friend last week I resolved to try on only size 16's as a bit of a motivational thing to give me a kick up the backside and they all fitted!!

The Oasis dress was a bit tight but they cut stuff small so I was shocked I could even get it over my head. There was one dress in Debenhams where the 16 looked tiny so I did pick up an 18....then thought well good job I did as it's a perfect fit and it's really flattering (yes, I complimented myself, shock horror), only to take it off and see the hanger was wrong and it was a 16 as well I was so chuffed you wouldn't believe. I even tried on some size 16 trousers and my friend poked her head round the changing room curtain when I said they were a bit short. Admitedly I wasn't expecting this or I would have put a top on over my bra! but I didn't freak out at all, I just carried on all confident like 'yeah, I'm in my bra with my belly showing, so what right!?' she is another girl afterall. That really was a moment that's stuck in my head, along with some gym trips that have had me use the open showers despite others coming in and out of the changing rooms (but not showers thankfully!). I am feeling more comfortable with my figure now and realise that a big size 16 isn't really fat but it is a little larger than I should be for my frame and my height so I really do want to lose some more.

Ok, so far today I've had:

B - Alpen Light bar then a tiny piece of burfi (around 3 syns at a guess as it's 60 calories)
L - Baked beans on 2 slices of wholemeal nimble, muller light

I have an alpen light for mid afternoon and not sure what to have for tea. Might be quorn sausages and smash with peas and a tiny bit of gravy. Should be well under for my syns today then

 

[EmmyLou30]

Just half a pound off at fat club last night but off is off so I'm happy enough.

Had a bit of a pick me up yesterday when someone I see most mornings at work (he drives a delivery van) noticed my weight loss. He actually told my colleague to tell me he thought I'd lost lots of weight as he was too shy to tell me himself I guess!? Either way I had a smile on my face all day as he obviously didn't know I was on a diet or had lost weight - it must really show now in that case which I didn't think it did all that much so yay me

 

[EmmyLou30]

Wow, go me, two compliments in as many days!! My boss asked me if I'd lost more weight again recently (he knew I'd been trying and had lost some already) as he said he thought yesterday that I looked like I'd lost some more and actually used the word 'svelte'....er, not quite but nice to hear all the same!

The day I can take the compliment, say thank-you and leave it at that, rather than say 'but I've still got 2 stone to go' will be a major milestone on my emotional road back to the old happy Em I think.

Also today me and the boyf decided on our first foreign holiday together. We've been together 2.5 years and lived together for nearly 2 and aside from a week in Center Parcs and a couple weekends in London we've never been on holiday properly together. I haven't actually been on holiday since June 2005 when I lived at home thinking about it! Neither of us are big sun lovers or holiday people in the sense that we don't crave that fortnight summer holiday or even weekends away really. So long as we're not working we're happy to mooch round the house doing jobs or be in the garden. So this year we've decided we do have the spare cash so why not, a cruise round the Baltics. Russia, Estonia, Sweeden etc Hopefully September so the weather has cooled down (I'm awful in any heat above 20 degrees!) but it's still nice enough to be able to see the sights. Only issue SW wise is that it's all inclusive for your food on board....uh oh. As much cake and chips as I can cram in my gob for a fortnight!? I could put a stone on easily I reckon!

 

[EmmyLou30]

Sunday's weigh in made my week sooooo worth the effort (the sarcasm in my voice is obviously not going to be aparent but believe me it's there). I really did try hard last week, wrote it down, stuck to my syns....only to gain 2.5lbs!? I mean really, 2.5lb is one hell of a gain unless I'd been out on the town and really lost the plot - which I didn't. It's blob week but I was coming to the end of that when I weighed so it shouldn't have made that much difference.

I'm not best pleased as you can imagine. It's very hot today again too so I'm one seriously sour puss :-( I'm hoping to try hard again this week before resorting to more drastic methods such as slim fast or something similar just to try and get it moving again.

 

[ginlin]

I'm sure it's this hot weather

Because I feel really bloated and puffy today, and it's my WI tomorrow, so not the least bit happy either, plus, I am so thirsty I could drink the resevoir dry!