Alexmummy's learning journey...

[alexmummy07]

Hey hun - it was good for a while, but all those temptations reared their heads and I have well and truly lost my way and my focus on all those healthy dinners I was making - and was enjoying too.
It's harder following CD, but really, there is no reason why I can't follow it - I think I just got stuck in a rut, so in a way it's been nice having a break and seeing that the grass isn't greener, in fact not at all!

I have got lots of coursework on right now, and have a major assignment due in tomorrow which just isn't coming together right now (great eh!) so I'm not throwing myself right back to SS or 810 just yet, but going to move down slowly, so have gone back to 1000 first and then will go back to 810 after that. I want to make it much more managable and not go off track before I've even begun.

I have less than 5 mths now 'til wedding day so 3 months 'til dress is ready for 1st fitting and don't want to mess up when I had been doing so well.

Fingers crossed now that we can do really well xxx

 

[alexmummy07]

It feels soooooooo good to be back & in control

Day 2 almost over xxx

 

[alexmummy07]

6lbs to go 'til a loss of 100lbs since starting this journey...6lbs! It's nothing, I know I can do this!! I am so revved up, so ready, and the journey starts here...

Was so lovely to see my CDC last night, we have discussed why I switched to WW, and that my thoughts still haven't changed on those reasons, but life has to carry on if any of those things throw themself at me, like any normal person would. The diet now is about getting down for the wedding, and myself, (as I originally wanted) but also about maintaining and not fluctuating with the same 7lbs anymore.

I am currently at 10 stone 4.4 and aiming for 9 stone 7 for the wedding, which I know is very achievable - and hopefully within that some toning, and also maintenance learning too (as eating a packet of biscuits at the weekend taught me I haven't learnt all I thought, or wanted too!)

We have a planned 5 days away in 3 weeks time which we've booked on half board. I've looked at sample menu's at it does seem like I could be ok if I really do look at the week like I did for last years break, that the food was simply fuel and I managed to lose 4.5lbs the week I came back!


(note to self) You don't have time to mess around anymore...think of the dress...THE dress!!

 

[sleepybird]

Lol, the Dress! The thought of the Dress should help keep you on the straight and narrow, you are going great guns and good on you! Hope you are having a good day x

 

[alexmummy07]

Thanks sleepy - today, foodwise has been ok.
Everything else has been a bit of a disaster though. - Little boy fell and has a big bruise on his head at toddlers, had a really rude receptionist at Dr's, and generally been 'one of those' days.

Had better pop off and make something for dinner for everyone now!

One good thing, finally have my physio appt for 11th May, may finally get back to work after then! xx

 

[alexmummy07]

woooahhhh today came up and bit me without warning...have eaten all those things I shouldn't...craving and eating, and shouldn't be...going for a bath to read my course materials while little man is asleep to try and focus my head again.

Where's this craving head come from again? GO AWAY, I DON'T NEED YOU!
GO AWAY GO AWAY GO AWAY...DRESS DRESS DRESS!!!!!!!

 

[Greeneyes11]

Awwww no, stick with it otherwise you will regret it... I am also struggling today, I never really got in ketosis when I was on CD before and was always starving hungry, am wondering if this will happen again this time as I am now starving hungry and wondering if I should go back to SW.... but I have good losses so far this week and want to lose this weight... why are we struggling so much today...

 

[alexmummy07]

No idea what's going on today :-S !
I was fine this morning, then got to lunch, had my bar, and things went pear-shaped! Decided I was wayyyyy too hungry to just have a few salad leaves, so thought ok damage limitation I'd have brown bread with bovril (from ww 0pts - the bovril I mean and it's drinkable etc...) anyway ate that then and for a change I'm going to list it so I can see how bad it looks!
snackajacks...reasoned that they are l.f so again damage limitation
not 1 but 2 packets of iced gems because again in my head they are low'ish in cals and sat.fat
I then ate 2 M&S chocolate teacakes
& (whyyyyyy do I do it to myself?!?!)
a small meringue base - full of sugar and tbh a load of rubbish, I didn't even enjoy it!

I feel that by writing it down maybe a very very small achievement is coming out of it - though I don't know what exactly?!? Maybe I'm in some very small way proving to myself that I actually don't want to be fat because in some weird way I am picking items that I know (apart from the teacakes) that are low in cals/sat fat so I'm not binging on big bars of galaxy and mc coys crisps if that makes any kind of sense?? I don't know - just a rambling that needed to be said.

Now usually I would starve myself after this point and say for my evening meal I would just have a CD soup and that would be it, but I think this is maybe where the binge/starve cycle comes from, and perhaps is the wrong attitude to take...so today...for a change, I'm going to serve myself a salad, not huge, just a 'normal' portion and have my CD meal as I should do, and try and take the day as written off, and learnt from in a way, and try tomorrow to learn from it and not make the same mistake again.

I am so disappointed in myself, because I've even put clothes on and looked at myself in the mirror again thinking "why, why do I do it?" I'm no where near where I want to be yet, and I have the most beautiful wedding dress to get into, which is costing a lot of money, and I cannot mess this up, I cannot ruin yet another set of photo's and outfit and more importantly day and memories because of weight and how I look.
I want to enjoy my wedding day so so very much, but I can't and won't until I lose this flipping weight.

Come on me! Come on, there is no reason, NO reason why I can't shift this!!!!!!

I keep looking at SS and thinking should I, could I, for one week...if I could just get under that 10 stone barrier, just maybe it would give me that massive kick I need, as I've been floating this weight for so long now, but would SS, and then 810/1000 mess up my metabolism again...just don't know...and with my break away in just under 2 weeks now...
I don't want to go away and mess up my diet, I had planned to go away at 1000 which I'm meant to be on now, but I don't even want to consider coming back at a higher weight


OHHHHHHH Ramblings!! xx

 

[Greeneyes11]

You know what, I did exactly the same when on Weight Watchers, I would binge on low fat stuff as I thought it was damage limitation... I would eat about 4 bags of WW crisps, biscuits, choc bars all in the same hour, I knew I was blowing it, but thinking it was WW and it wasn't so bad.... but I guess it is the binging that is wrong, not what you actually eat.... and I feel that way today, I feel like stuffing anything I can find into my mouth. I have already had my 3 CD shakes today (actually I stuffed down a bar that I am not supposed to have for 2 weeks but thought it would be better than a real chocolate bar), I have now sorted out some quorn for dinner as that could then be classed as SS+, I have rung daughter, and now talking to DH on MSN to keep my hands occupied and to stop myself going off to find something else to eat. I keep thinking of the pizza the family has for dinner and thinking one little piece wont hurt.... but it will as I will have the cravings again tomorrow..... I just feel if I could only get through today....

 

[alexmummy07]

I'm glad today is over. Had a salad for dinner, with mattesons turkey rashers (3 of them divided between 2 of us) some ham, lettuce, onions, peppers, sweetcorn etc. Was lovely. I did have a ww dessert - which is not CD, but I knew it was that or continue the stupid binge...so I had that.

Tomorrow has to be a new day, and one which will start a new set of challenges no doubt, but I have to start it positively and hope to get right back on CD track xx

 

[Greeneyes11]

Good luck for a better day today.... fingers crossed here too.....

 

[alexmummy07]

Today hasn't been sooo bad so far, but not fantastic either, the cravings are still here. I'm not willing to use my packs whilst I'm wasting them and eating too much else aswell, so I'm having a lunch of brown bread (thin) with the bovril and banana's, just trying to curb the wants to eat too much else.
Upping fluids etc to do the same, but it's not easy, as you all know.

I considered SS all night last night, but I know I have too many meals out coming up, and also the holiday shortly too, so I have decided I'm sticking as close to 1000/1200 and then on my return will more than likely SS then (depending on my BMI) for 1 or 2 weeks to try and finally get below that 10 stone barrier and stay there for good.

xx

 

[Watergirl]

Hey, sounds like we're all struggling with CD at the moment. Having a wedding to look forward to has given me massive motivation. Has it helped you? When do you get married?

Doesn't sound like you're being overly bad - think it's a great idea to eat the small meal and CD as normal even if you've had more earlier on. That binge starve cycle is exactly what I need to get away from.

 

[alexmummy07]

You would think having a wedding to be planning for, would be the biggest motivation going - but if anything, having that pressure on me has made it all the more tough. Ever since the dress has been picked I have messed around with the same 7lbs.

I have however figured that it is almost totm, and this is where these cravings have come from. I'm hoping one more day, 2 at the most and they will have settled and I can carry on. Tonight I have given in a little. I am having a small'ish take away - I dont like Pizza like the other half, so I'm having garlic bread. Not ideal, but it should settle me whilst I'm sticking away from CD just for a few days. I just don't have the finances to mess around so much with CD products at the moment (the take away isn't my spending).

I feel a small sense of relief that I know where the cravings have come from, and almost a new sense of 'I can do this' I just need to take a bit of me time tonight to chill and not panic so much, like I do. I do have some time, I just have to work over this one hurdle at a time.

Bring on Friday, as I'm sure I will be fully back into CD mode by then...and hopefully not so zapped of energy and down.

Early night tonight.

I'll be back to 'old' bouncy happy and full of definitely losing weight self very soon...promise
xxx

 

[alexmummy07]

I have finally come out of the other end of my craving after 2 horrible days.
I have a meal out next Weds, but up to then have decided to SS, and then 810 to the holiday, then will 1000 for the hol and then back to SS when I come back depending on my W.I./BMI.

I've been considering it for a good week now, and using the meal out as an excuse not to, when it shouldn't be an excuse at all.

1 shake down so far, and about to have another soon, then will have soup for tea. Hungry, but WILL stay in control, no matter what. I can beat this, and I will get below 10 stone on the scales, whatever it takes xx

 

[Watergirl]

You will indeed! I am 3 shakes down, but going to have some boullion (sp?) later. Off for a bath soon with my new wedding magazine! I'm so sad!

 

[alexmummy07]

Thanks hun.
Well I've succeeded with day 1 on SS. It's been difficult I can't deny, but am pleased to say I've done it, and now watching the election results from bed as I am sooooo cold!!

I ended up having a cup of boullion today aswell, it just helped having that extra pretend meal in a way.

Hoping sooo much to have a good next 6 days and the scales to show a good loss aswell. Its me who controls what goes past my lips but can't control the scales unfortunately, so just hoping so so much that they go down...and quite a bit.

Night all xxx

 

[alexmummy07]

uhhh day 2 back on SS...my head is pounding today.
Have just had shake no. 2 - Choc mint (had toffee and walnut this am) and pints of water throughout the day. Looking forward to getting water flavouring back asap!!
Have taken some pills for head as it's sooo painfull right now, and have lots of course reading to do, before picking up my little boy at 4.

Feel like doing a little 'pray for the scales to go down' dance at the mo, as need this more than anything right now. I know I can do this, It's only 5 days 'til I can have an 810 meal - nothing like what I have done in the past, then have decided to go back to SS til the holiday, another 4 days, and then 810 on hols, before back to SS when home (pending weight/BMI as not sure what I will be then)

If I am v lucky and scales come down then it could be the end of SS but will see!

Right now though...more water x

 

[alexmummy07]

still suffering with massive headache. Have made some boullion, and more more more water. Had forgotten quite how bad those 2-3day headaches are for me. This is why I don't start SS often, and why I have to get it right. 810 must stay in ketosis, must not mess up.

This is here to remind me just how bad these headaches are and why I can't mess up!! I don't want to go through this often xx

 

[herewego]

Hope the headaches go soon!!