Anyone fancy a chit chat?

[Reject Doll]

I know what you mean. Everyone thinks I have lots of confidence but I think I'm just a good actress. With my dancing and public speaking at university I guess I do come across as confident but so far as how I look I have had a terrible time and although I'm not really sure that I would like another man full time, I have blamed my weight as the reason I rarely get 2nd dates. Not all men are that shallow but it seems the ones I like usually are.

I had a best friend I went out with a lot a couple of years ago but now I have hardly anyone. (She dropped me when she got a new bloke. Some friend eh?) Since then I have rarely gone out.

I did go out Friday night and I DID feel fairly confident. I wore a strappy top to go out- something I haven't done in years and I curled my hair. I know I looked different and when I got to my friend's house, both her and her mom said, 'WOW.' Then when we were out I caught my reflection in a full length mirror and I was pleased with how I looked for the first time in ages. When out, I realised there were LOADS of women bigger than me but guess what? I STILL didn't get chatted up! Mind you I didn't see anyone who I wanted to chat me up! It didn't really matter because I was happy to be out and feeling good about how I looked. That at least boosted my confidence.

 

[Caz]

I know what you mean. Everyone thinks I have lots of confidence but I think I'm just a good actress.

Yup, I put on a great masquerade. For a long long time, I found it easier to pretend I'm something I'm not. That I'm happy. Confident. I guess I thought that if I could do that well enough, for long enough, if I could make them all believe it, maybe then I'd believe it too.

But then the bad side is that sometimes I'm so afraid that one day people will realise. That it's all just a mask. That my humour, sarcasm and loudness is all a front for everything that hides behind. That they'd realise that that's not me, that I'm not like that. That when no-one is around, when no-one can see me, then it all falls apart and I'm left with exactly what I really am.

so far as how I look I have had a terrible time and although I'm not really sure that I would like another man full time, I have blamed my weight as the reason I rarely get 2nd dates. Not all men are that shallow but it seems the ones I like usually are.

Yeah I could have written that too. I've never actually had a boyfriend. There have been a couple of guys along the way who have been interested, but I've not been interested in them. I blame my weight too. Though, it probably is my weight. Or a large part of it anyway.

 

[Reject Doll]

Hiding behind a mask is a good description of it. For years as a dancer I was trained to show expression on the dance floor. You are putting on a show yet I have carried that over into my personal life for many years.

I wonder if it is just the weight though. It will be interesting to see when I am slimmer or if I will blame something else then!

 

[Caz]

I think for me it goes beyond my weight. It's a part of it, but it's not the excuse I use it as. Part of it is just me. The way I am. And I have to learn to be different. I have to learn to look at myself and see the positives before my faults. My strengths before my weaknesses. To just be happy with myself, who I am, where I am, what I am. To learn to 'love myself' I guess, though I hate that phrase!

I'm a person that is constantly seeking approval and acceptance. Part of that is to do with certain things to do with when I was younger. And I guess part of it is because I don't accept myself. I guess when I was a kid that I learnt to shrink into the background. Not be noticed. And it's kind of become engrained into me now. I guess I just have to.. unlearn it now.

 

[Reject Doll]

CD is so much more than losing weight isn't? It's not just re-educating eating habits, it's re-educating our whole being.

 

[Caz]

Yup, exactly. Counselling could always be something to look into if it seems there's underlying causes.