Jeep
Otherwise known as Jools
This feels so much like a confession but I am not sure where else to go. I need to let it all out somewhere and maybe any help and advice will help.
In 2009 I lost about 5st on Lipotrim. Looking back it seemed relatively easy - the losses were great, I felt great and looked the best I ever had for a long time. Yeah there were a few dissenters and those who did not agree it was the best thing for me to do but it was working.
Then the bombshells hit....... 2010 - Troubles at work in that we were going throught a consultation process which meant we had to be interviewed for our own jobs - this took about 8 months of stress and worry which meant I was on Diazepam to try and calm the anxiety and stress, however happy result at the end of 2010 I got my job !!. At the same time of all of this job worries, my dear old Dad was diagnosed with cancer which was a very sad outcome as just after learning I had my job he passed away at the beginning of 2011, the tragedy made worse by the fact that his brother passed 3 months later.
During all this time through both these worries I was comfort eating and still am a year down the line and I just cannot seem to be able to stop - I eat anything and everything - as I type I have just scoffed a very large family size bar of Cadbury's Dairy Milk and am resisting the urge to open up the Christmas presents of chocolates that are already wrapped up.... I feel quite ashamed about it - as such I have piled on all that I lost and probably some more - I am too scared to weigh myself. I know that I look awful, I feel awful and I can barely walk without sounding like a puffer train - but even so that is still not enough to make me "do something about it".
My year of tragedy and stress is not quite over... only a few weeks ago the younger brother of my best friend died from cancer - poor sod was only 39 and I had known him since he was about 5. Currently I am just waiting for the next tragedy - what more can happen in the last couple of months of this year.
All of this has raised all sorts of feelings in me - mostly why bother !! there is the vicious circle of life is too short to worry about diet/exercise etc enjoy your food yet at the same time you need to get healthy to enjoy life !
I know what I should do - I need to eat less move more, I need to get out that box of Exante that is slowly getting out of date and use them, I need to stop eating massive bars of CDM, I need to be thinking about my health, but with all that has gone on these past couple of years - it seems too hard, too pointless, too much bother.
Why is it so hard this time ? Why can I not get motivated despite all the above, why do I feel so useless and insignificant. There are so many feeling tied up in this such as : guilt over not saying stuff to my Dad, guilt for him not seeing me happy in a relationship and making him a grandad, guilt that I feel as though I let him down, feelings that I wil not be missed by anyone if I do carry on eating myself to death as essentially that is what I am doing..... its just such a mess and the best place for me right now is my bed - curl up and stay there !
Apologies for such a long one but sometimes when you start you cannot stop. I know there will be a few strong replies to this post -perhaps thats what I need !! something to get me back on track and show me that it is worth doing after all. Thanks.
In 2009 I lost about 5st on Lipotrim. Looking back it seemed relatively easy - the losses were great, I felt great and looked the best I ever had for a long time. Yeah there were a few dissenters and those who did not agree it was the best thing for me to do but it was working.
Then the bombshells hit....... 2010 - Troubles at work in that we were going throught a consultation process which meant we had to be interviewed for our own jobs - this took about 8 months of stress and worry which meant I was on Diazepam to try and calm the anxiety and stress, however happy result at the end of 2010 I got my job !!. At the same time of all of this job worries, my dear old Dad was diagnosed with cancer which was a very sad outcome as just after learning I had my job he passed away at the beginning of 2011, the tragedy made worse by the fact that his brother passed 3 months later.
During all this time through both these worries I was comfort eating and still am a year down the line and I just cannot seem to be able to stop - I eat anything and everything - as I type I have just scoffed a very large family size bar of Cadbury's Dairy Milk and am resisting the urge to open up the Christmas presents of chocolates that are already wrapped up.... I feel quite ashamed about it - as such I have piled on all that I lost and probably some more - I am too scared to weigh myself. I know that I look awful, I feel awful and I can barely walk without sounding like a puffer train - but even so that is still not enough to make me "do something about it".
My year of tragedy and stress is not quite over... only a few weeks ago the younger brother of my best friend died from cancer - poor sod was only 39 and I had known him since he was about 5. Currently I am just waiting for the next tragedy - what more can happen in the last couple of months of this year.
All of this has raised all sorts of feelings in me - mostly why bother !! there is the vicious circle of life is too short to worry about diet/exercise etc enjoy your food yet at the same time you need to get healthy to enjoy life !
I know what I should do - I need to eat less move more, I need to get out that box of Exante that is slowly getting out of date and use them, I need to stop eating massive bars of CDM, I need to be thinking about my health, but with all that has gone on these past couple of years - it seems too hard, too pointless, too much bother.
Why is it so hard this time ? Why can I not get motivated despite all the above, why do I feel so useless and insignificant. There are so many feeling tied up in this such as : guilt over not saying stuff to my Dad, guilt for him not seeing me happy in a relationship and making him a grandad, guilt that I feel as though I let him down, feelings that I wil not be missed by anyone if I do carry on eating myself to death as essentially that is what I am doing..... its just such a mess and the best place for me right now is my bed - curl up and stay there !
Apologies for such a long one but sometimes when you start you cannot stop. I know there will be a few strong replies to this post -perhaps thats what I need !! something to get me back on track and show me that it is worth doing after all. Thanks.
