BatFitch to BinnySkitch? Let's hope so! My diary

Discussion in 'Weight Loss Diaries' started by BatFitch, 7 December 2010 Social URL.

  1. BatFitch

    BatFitch Full Member

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    Start Weight:
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    Current Weight:
    18st8.6lb
    Goal Weight:
    11st0lb
    Lost(%):
    0st7.7lb(2.87%)
    Diet:
    Healthy eating + exercise!
    So I've decided it would be in my best interests to keep a diary. Hopefully people will read it and keep me motivated. I've fallen off the wagon so many times, not even for a real reason. I just self sabbotage.. I may not be hungry, and I may enjoy my dinners, but I just miss eating that naughty food! I really don't know why I always do this to myself!

    I really need to do this though, I want my confidence back and I want to not consantly think about switching the light off... It may be too much info, but i'm starting to dislike sex. God I love my boyfriend, but I just feel so hideous all the time I don't want to undress. He tells me he loves me and that i'm beautiful, he never lies to me about the fact i'm fat either, he's never said "oh no you're not fat!" - I really like that about him. It means I can trust the compliments. But sometimes it's just not enough, when you look in the mirror and see what I do, I know I certainly wouldn't want to be with me. So why am I inflicting that on someone I love so much?
    I've been so selfish, constantly moaning at him for not getting a job and not sorting out his sleeping pattern, but i've been so selfish all along too. I really want to move on with life, get past this stage and just live and love normally.


    Today hasn't been such a good day, I had an exam which I didn't study properly for, it doesn't matter overly, as long as I get 40%. I'm not taking that subject for 2nd year, it was just to fill out my credits, but I feel i've made a bad start to the exams and I really should have started the way I meant to go on..
    I also slipped on the ice today, it hurt.. A lot. Think i've done something to my back.

    So far today though food wise i've done okay, not great:

    Baguette from baguette express with chicken breast (no mayo), cucmber, tomato, lettuce, peppers. Prawn cocktail walkers, and a bottle of water. That was about 2 hours ago

    I'll get something in an hour or so then go to sleep really early. I didn't sleep at all last night. Ali messed up my sleeping pattern and if I'd gone to sleep at 7am I wouldn't have been able to get up. Didn't have time for breakfast before I left for my exam. I normaly have breakfast, will need to make sure I eat something in the morning, sometimes I forget.

    This is strange though, just spouting everything that comes into my head. Hopefully I won't post this, then read over it and think, omg, i'm a twat :p

    Thanks for reading - you're all amazing xx
     
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  3. porkypaul

    porkypaul Full Member

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    Start Weight:
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    Current Weight:
    19st4.5lb
    Goal Weight:
    15st5lb
    Lost(%):
    2st8.5lb(11.89%)
    Diet:
    SW
    Well you've taken the first, and most important, step...Be brave, be strong, be focussed and this time next year that 85lb will have disappeared for ever...
     
  4. Hope123

    Hope123 Full Member

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    Start Weight:
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    Current Weight:
    12st9lb
    Goal Weight:
    10st3lb
    Lost(%):
    1st0lb(7.33%)
    Diet:
    Healthy Eating
    aw, you have a diary, it will really help you through the ups and downs i think....and aw, to u slipping....last week when it snowed here i walked soo slowly grabbing onto anything...coz i didnt wanna fall...lol but i hear it's like ten times worse in scotland..

    Aw, the first days are always hard...u're so lucky you can have crisps...and not go crazy on the food...their like crisps are my ultimate junk food.

    Good luck... :)
     
  5. BatFitch

    BatFitch Full Member

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    Start Weight:
    19st2.3lb
    Current Weight:
    18st8.6lb
    Goal Weight:
    11st0lb
    Lost(%):
    0st7.7lb(2.87%)
    Diet:
    Healthy eating + exercise!
    Thanks Paul :)

    @Hope - If I hadn't grabbed onto railings I would have slipped another 2 times! It's really bad up here, Glasgow Airport has been closed, my mum was meant to be back from Tenerife yesterday!
    Yeah I'm pretty lucky, I really love my crisps, if I cut it out altogether I'll just fail after about a week, even though when I'm not "trying" to diet, I go more than a week without crisps. It's strange how when you're dieting you just HAVE to have this or that. I was never a big fan of ice cream but I really wanted some last night lmao! Didn't though obviously :D



    I wrote down some ideas for food last night, stuff I can just mix and match, I'm going to put it on the fridge and ask my mum to make something similar to what's on the list if she's making food for everyone (she normally makes us breakfast when we're up early for uni <3 ) :

    Breakfast:
    2 Scrambled eggs on 2 slices toast with black pepper (360cals)

    Porridge (200 cals)

    Rice Krispies (200 cals)

    Smoothie - yoghurt/skimmed milk/fruit - (up to 200 cals)

    Lunch:
    Baked potato (microwaved lol!!) with tuna and salad (300 ish)

    Soup + Grilled chicken breast and salad sandwich, or tuna toastie (430)

    Toast + chilli (beef or turkey) (300ish)

    Tuna pasta - 60g wholewheat spaghetti (195), 1/2 tin tuna (75), 20g mayo/ex.light mayo (70)(10), lots and lots of cucumber, peppers, red onion, sweetcorn + black pepper - (350/300)

    Dinner:
    Spag bol (turkey/beef) - 60g wholewheat spag, tin tomatos, peppers, muchrooms, garlic, shallots, turkey/beef - (270/350)

    Chicken/tuna stir fried in rapeseed oil- chicken breast/ 1/2 tin tuna + peppers, red onion, sweetcorn, beansprouts, sweet chlli sauce (250)

    Baked potato + chilli (turkey or beef) - (350)

    Grilled chicken breast + veg + potatoes (300)

    Grilled beef/venison burgers on rolls with salad and possibly small amount of homemade wedges (500)

    Chicken thigh from casserole, veg, potatoes (350)

    Snacks:

    Mashed banana on toast! (180)
    Smoothie (up to 200)
    Low cal crisps e.g. quavers (90)
    Fruit (50-80)

    If you managed to look at that thanks :) Any constructive comments welcome!

    I haven't stuck to that today though as mum still isn't back and we used all the shopping money, just had some lidl choclate cereal, but less than i'd normally have, so count that as somewhere between 250 and 300 calories.
    We're busy cleaning the house today so I doubt i'll eat until mum is home, my brother is making chilli (yay!)
    Apparently spice boosts your metabolism? May have to google that. Feeling good today, although I woke up late, I fell asleep for about 3 hours yesterday, woke up at 8pm, didn't get to sleep until 4am, then woke up at 2pm today. (I didn't sleep at all night before last) I really need to fix that sleeping pattern.

    My Biology exam is postponed until January!! Yes!! Means I get a lot of extra time to study.

    I miss Ali. Not been very long I know, not seen him since Sunday, we normally only go one night without seeing each other. Hopefully I'll see him tomorrow, he's been phoning me loads, just for 5 mins or so to see if i'm okay etc. Although my phone is currently dead so I don't know if he's been trying to contact me. I don't want to switch my phone on in case he hasn't even texted me, then i'll be annoyed :p

    I ordered the 30 day shred yesterday, it's been dispatched today. Hopefully I'll get it this week and I can start soon. Anyone who wants to do it with me can order it from HMV. £5.25 with free delivery.

    I've taken measurements, I'll list them later. Remeasure every few weeks or so.

    Note to everyone, never eat chocolate ceral and drink OJ in quick succession. It tastes like vomit.

    Question: Does bio-oil really work for stretch marks?

    My stretch marks are horrendous. All round my spare tractor tyre... I'm going to take starting pictures. I won't post them until I lose more weight though.

    Weigh in day - Monday. What scales are the best? I want ones that take body fat %, we have some, but I can't work them :S I just want simple ones that work..

    I'll update later with calories I've eaten and measurements etc.

     
  6. valerie11

    valerie11 Gold Member

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    Lost(%):
    0st8lb(3.72%)
    Diet:
    slimming world
    hi hun i have just read ur diary and can relate to a lot u have said :) i admire u for following a calorie counted diet i haven't got the patience to work everything out that i eat when i have done it in the past i just eat chocolate and mcdonalds cause it's easier to work out (even on w/w i ate junk) good luck to u will be following ur diary :)
     
  7. elm

    elm Silver Member

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    Finally, taking control!
    Yes, chili does speed up your metabolism by 50%, it is good for you.
     
  8. Hope123

    Hope123 Full Member

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    10st3lb
    Lost(%):
    1st0lb(7.33%)
    Diet:
    Healthy Eating
    heya, oh I get those ice cream cravings aswell...it's so weird coz before I had ice cream but it wasnt like i needed to some everyday but now I just want some of it even in this freezing weather....the only thing that has saved me from not having some is cause there is none in the house...lol

    Uhmm, about the bio-oil...I heard it that it works and can remove your stretch marks in 6 weeks but you have to apply it twice a day, everyday...But don't take my word for it....it depends on the person's skin I think. I use coco-butter and it works slower, like it takes 6 months,lol but it's cheaper...we are in a reccesion afterall.

    you're doing really well with the planning.
     
  9. BatFitch

    BatFitch Full Member

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    Start Weight:
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    Current Weight:
    18st8.6lb
    Goal Weight:
    11st0lb
    Lost(%):
    0st7.7lb(2.87%)
    Diet:
    Healthy eating + exercise!
    I'm sooo hungry. I didn't eat until about 9pm, had some chilli, i don't know how much though because my brother made it and put it out. I left most of the rice though, was a huge man size portion. I've only had cereal otherwise though, so I can't be over my limit, but I don't know so i'm best leaving it.

    I'm going to have scrambled eggs on toast tomorrow, quite excited.

    I haven't measured my legs, but my bust-waist-hips measurements are 48-42-48......

    Night all x
     
  10. Monkey_Monkey_Underpants

    Monkey_Monkey_Underpants Well, hello...

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    Lost(%):
    4st6.5lb(24.9%)
    Diet:
    Slimming World (again)
    Hiya Batfitch. Just wanted to come on and say that I love your name! Brilliant.

    And well done for making a start.

    I'm like lots of people on here: I've been fat forever, I've "tried" to lose it lots of times, but have ultimately always failed.

    However, I put the "tried" in inverted commas, cos I now know I wasn't really trying.
    Until you reach the point where you REALLY REALLY REALLY want to lose weight (so much that you want to lose weight more than you want to eat whatever it is that's your temptation), whatever you "try" to do, you aren't putting all of yourself into doing.

    I probably haven't explained that very well, but it makes sense to me!

    I suppose what I really mean is that the only "diet" that will ever work, long term for anyone, ever, is Will Power. If you've got that, it doesn't matter whether you calorie count, or do WW, or SW, or whatever. It will work. And if you haven't: it won't.

    It sounds as though you're in that zone now: I really hope so. I finally am. I know the statistics on this page make it look as though I've got to where I am now really easily, and in a way I have. But that's only cos this time I'm really doing it, and I never have before. And there have been years and years (lots more than you've even existed!) when I've thought "must lose weight" and ended up heavier every time! So my statistics are very similar to yours, and if I can do it, you can.

    I'll keep popping in and having a look at your diary: feel free to visit mine if it might help.

    Just one other thing (and I may be struck down by a bolt of lightning for even suggesting this!): calorie counting will work, but it's a lonely way to do it. Of course you'll get lots of support on here, and if that's enough for you, then - great! And I know that, on your first thread, you said you couldn't afford to do WW. However (and this is the lightning bolt bit) a lot of people go once, or twice, get all the information, get started out on the right lines, and then stop going. They do it with Slimming World too. And then there are zillions of people on here who could support you with a specific diet.

    I only say that, because I now know how brilliant Slimming World is: it honestly doesn't feel like being on a diet, you eat real food, and lots of it, and (yeah, I'm biased) it's WORKING!

    Anyway, however you do it, I really hope you achieve your aim. It's awful to have as low self confidence as you've got. I know. I've been there. But I'm well on the way to being a new me, and you've made a good start too. Good luck with it.
     
  11. BatFitch

    BatFitch Full Member

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    Start Weight:
    19st2.3lb
    Current Weight:
    18st8.6lb
    Goal Weight:
    11st0lb
    Lost(%):
    0st7.7lb(2.87%)
    Diet:
    Healthy eating + exercise!
    Thanks :D
    I totally agree with everything about willpower, you put it eloquently. I've never had the willpower before, I really hope this site keeps me going.
    I agree about slimming world etc. it does do great things for people. Don't think i'll strike you down ahah! I've always just been habitually fat. I have all the knowledge and more, I'm actually very interested in nutrition and exercise etc. I've done tonnes of research and can create great plans for people. I can survive on low calorie diets without being hungry, and get all the nutrients, not starving myself. It's just that, when i'm eating like that, I guess when I've always done things a certain way, it feels like something is missing. I end up binging even though I wasn't hungry!! then the guilt cycle kicks in and i'm just a lazy person.

    Glad you commented :) I will definitely have a look at your diary.


    I just had my breakfast, it was awesome. Scrambled eggs on toast @ 300 calories.
    I think I'll have tuna pasta for lunch about 1-2pm @ approx 300 calories.
    Then will have something to do with chilli for dinner, since it's there lol!

    I'm very tired today, I didn't sleep again last night. I could sleep now but it's far too late. I need to get this sorted!! Maybe I can have a 1 hour nap at about 3pm. To get me through the day - then aim for bed at 11pm.

    I'm resisting the temptation to weigh myself early, I've eaten already, no point! I always weigh myself before my shower/breakfast in the morning. I don't want to see no change and get disheartened, it would ruin my current drive.

    I'm watching the music channels atm, there's nothing on TV and it makes me stare at all the hot skinny women. Makes me not want to eat- it's good lol!

    I actually got xenical from my doctor before, but I never took it. I'm constantly with my boyfriend, the side effects didn't appeal... I don't think there's much point to it though, you have to eat low fat stuff if you don't want fountains of orange fat coming out your rear end, but if you eat less fat then the pills aren't actually doing anything because there's no fat for them to block.... I suppose it's better for people who need to eat lower fat but won't without some serious negative consequences!! I would certainly think twice about buttering my bread lmao!

    Me and the boyfriend are on a break now too. I told him we should take a break so he can figure out what he wants because we keep arguing about stuff. I know what I want, and he knows what I expect of him. Bu he keeps doing certain things every couple of months and I just can't handle it after this long. Not to mention the fact he still won't get a job. If we're going to get any more serious than we are now, then I need to know he can support himself and move out from his gran's house (he's 23 ffs!). After I told him we should take a break, he told me he didn't want to hear my voice anymore and hung up on me, then texted me telling me that if I wanted to dump him then I just should and I should stop ****ing him about. I don't know what he means, I've dumped him before, because he did something wrong. I snap more easily now, after what my exes put me through. I'm saying this because he's not living up to what he said he would, the stuff is really trivial, but it's the principal i'm talking about. I have serious trust issues and if I can't trust him about something so trivial, how am I supposed to trust the big things? Of course I know he would never cheat. But god I don't know. sorry for talking about my relationship stuff here, I know it's a weight loss diary, but this is on my mind :( I really love him and want this to work, but I keep finding myself wondering if it will.
    I guess I'll find out how much he wants it soon (I hope)
    Maybe he'll phone me soon :/
    I don't know what happened to us, we used to be so laid back...

    Anyway, will update later on and say how my eating went after dinner.

    Thanks for reading if you made it this far xxx
     
  12. Monkey_Monkey_Underpants

    Monkey_Monkey_Underpants Well, hello...

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    Diet:
    Slimming World (again)
    Hey, Batfitch. Sorry the relationship stuff isn't going too well.

    And don't worry about putting it on here: we all do!
     
  13. valerie11

    valerie11 Gold Member

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    Diet:
    slimming world
    hi hun sometimes it helps to write it down it gets it off ur chest and hopefully makes u feel, better hope u have a good day :)
     
  14. Neonshock

    Neonshock Full Member

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    Start Weight:
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    11st6lb
    Lost(%):
    4st3lb(19.6%)
    Diet:
    cal counting
    Sorry to hear you are in a cr*p situation with the fella. Obviously I know nothing about either of you but when I hear about people not having a job it does ring alarm bells, it makes me think if they don't have the motivation to go do something, even if its just volunteering, what else don't they do?
    Often weight loss makes us reassess our priorities too, this is going to be such an important time for you. Might be good to concentrate on yourself again?
    Whatever you choose, do what's right for you!
     
  15. BatFitch

    BatFitch Full Member

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    Lost(%):
    0st7.7lb(2.87%)
    Diet:
    Healthy eating + exercise!
    I fell asleep everyone!!! I'm such an idiot. 11am-8pm, the EXACT opposite of when I want to be sleeping. Urgh. Hate myself sometimes. Just had some lunch now.

    154g potato (cooked weight, i.e 2 normal size potatoes) done in the microwave, with half a tin of tuna and 1/3 tin of sweetcorn.

    I'll get dinner about 1 or 2am. Then I can try to sleep for a few hours in the morning and be up by 10am. Then try to get through the day and get to bed early?? Pfffftt... I hate this.

    He phoned me to apologise btw. Wanted to phone me later but I was a bit like umm.. No.. Need you to prove yourself to me.....

    I'm glad he phoned. I just hope he starts sorting himself out. I'm not going to see him until he's applied for loads of jobs with 100% effort and can prove that to me. It's a shame because he treats me really well, he's great in front of his friends, is fine that i'm good friends with some guys. Probably only because I introduced him to them really early and they get on really well :)

    I'm still hungry, there's no salad in the house so I'm not as full as I should be... Ah well

    How is everyone getting on? Anyone weighed in today?

    Thanks for reading xxx

     
  16. valerie11

    valerie11 Gold Member

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    Diet:
    slimming world
    hi hun glad he phoned u lets hope he finds himself a job if there's anything about where u live, no jobs where i am except in care homes.i am having a really good week have been 100% on plan have put everything that passes my lips down cause know in the past sometimes i "forgotten " to write down the syns for tomato ketchup etc thinking they won't matter but over the week they do mount up am hoping for a reasonable loss this week. i was going to class but had to change the day and it's another leader who i'm not over keen on so won't be going back to her it's a shame as my old leader was soooo nice but she doesn't do any other classes in my town, but hopefully if i keep coming on here i will get the incouragement i need to lose a couple of stone, sorry waffled on a bit today have a good day xx
     
  17. BatFitch

    BatFitch Full Member

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    11st0lb
    Lost(%):
    0st7.7lb(2.87%)
    Diet:
    Healthy eating + exercise!
    Haha don't worry about it :) That's good that you've been 100% Hope you get a big loss too!! I've been good today:


    Cereal - about 300 cals

    1 small Baking potato, 1/2 tin tuna, small amount ex.light mayo, lots of cucumber and some carrot - 250 cals
    Small lidl brand fake mars bar - titan - 190 cals
    Pasta, poached salmon, broccoli and small amount tomato pasta sauce - 400 calories (I did not realise salmon was double the calories of chicken!! Good oils though :)

    Total: 1140

    Might have a piece of toast and a banana and possibly some hot chocolate before bed. That's 220 calories extra.

    I feel reasonably good, sooo tired though. I fell asleep again but only for an hour and i'm still shattered so it's looking good.

    Exam tomorrow. Might study for an hour. Then bed. Far too tired.

    Doubt i'll be on here until tomorrow afternoon x
     
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  19. BatFitch

    BatFitch Full Member

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    0st7.7lb(2.87%)
    Diet:
    Healthy eating + exercise!
    I didn't have the toast + banana + hot chocolate last night, instead I went to bed at 9pm, and woke up at 5am. That's fine, I can deal with that, mum will be up soon. I'm going to go and get a shower and then hopefully mum will be up and I can get her to make me breakfast (i'm so lazy haha). I think I want scrambled egg on toast again, but I'm not sure if we have any good bread. (Either 260 or 360 calories depending on which bread we have)

    For lunch I plan on having tuna pasta (300 calories)
    And for dinner a stir fry of some sort, either chicken or tuna (330 calories)
    I really like eating healthily. It feels good. I don't get stomach aches anymore either. I used to get loads of stomach aches and had to curl up it hurt so much. Probably because when I was growing up I ate healthily, then in the last year or 2 I've been eating terribly and my digestive system couldn't cope.
    Definitely less gas, even though i've been eating more veg.

    I had a bad dream about Ali. I don't remember it anymore, I just know it was a bad dream. He texted me last night when I was asleep so I got it when I woke up. He wished me good luck for my exam today and said he misses me.

    I started thinking about all my exes etc. I have some real issues because of them. I think I can tell the whole truth on here, nobody knows me.
    My first boyfriend - I had just discovered the internet, I was 13. I was over at my friend's house and she was talking to some 18 year old on msn, from London. He sounded cool and I wanted to talk to him, it was exciting. I added him to msn when I got him, I never asked my friend how she knew him. I still don't know. We were talking about stuff, every day we wwould talk for hours. I was really shy and didn't have many friends at that age, I had a horrible self image and was bullied. Had a couple of friends, one of whom is still my best friend to this day! When I was 14, he was 19, I ended up thinking I fancied him. We started talking more sexually. It makes me feel sick thinking about it. We started "going out" when I was 14, and we met when I was 15. He flew to see me. He was the first guy I kissed. He also took my virginity. He's sick. We went out for about 2 years, it was an awful relationship. He controlled me and yet told me I was smothering him by wanting to sit on his knee at bus stops etc. Wouldn't let me have male friends and eventually he cheated on me when he went to Blackpool. I didn't trust him I'd been considering paying someone to follow him. He was supposed to move up here with me for a year while I went to college, then I was going to move down there to go to uni. He constantly dumped me when I got annoyed about the way he was treating me and I always begged for him back. Then when I was 16 I realised what was happening and ended it. I don't know why I was with him. He weighed 24 stone and I was thin when we met. Although I quickly put on 3 and a half stone. My weight spiralled out of control after that.

    Although 3 weeks after leaving him, I met my next squeeze. We slept together on the same day. He was skinny, and had a massive ****. Quite the opposite of bf1. We never went out though, he told me he loved, but wouldn't go out with me, strung me along, made me jealous of other girls. He turned me into a psycho ***** who couldn't trust. After 5 or 6 months I got sick of it, I was on holiday and pulled a lot of guys in clubs. I told him when I got back and he didn't want to see me anymore (even though he was the one who wouldn't commit to me). I wanted him back, feeling like I'd done wrong even though I knew I hadn't. He invited me over to his flat because he was "lonely", so I walked all the way over in the middle of the night, through a dodgy part of the town. We had sex. Then I saw the bite mark on his shoulder that I hadn't given him. I told him where to get to, and he came over to my house, begging me to take him back and that he'd give me everything I wanted and more. I said it was too late. I slept with another guy immediately to piss him off. I knew a guy who was out one night, he was pretty cool, a punk guy with awesome hair, lots of tattoos and piercings. He came back to mine. We ****ed. He went his way and I went mine. That was Feb/March time.

    Then April I started "seeing" someone else. He had a job, spent money on me, we had reasonable fun. I.e. He bought weed and we smoked it. I was 17 then. He asked me out a few times and I said no, I didn't want another relationship after what i'd been through, certainly not that quickly anyway. I was broken. Eventually I said yes. I quickly found out I was pregnant. I cried when the person at the doctors surgery said the result was positive. He stayed with me long enough for me to murder our child. Then he dumped me over the phone when I was away on holiday with my mum straight after. Why did I look? Why did I look? WHY did I look? I remember what it looked like. My baby. That I killed.
    It was August he dumped me.

    September I started university.
    I was single during freshers week. I had a fling with a guy for that week. He played me too. But it's fine. My emotions were all over the place I wouldn't normally have "fancied him". Normallyhe would have just been a f**k. But he was hot, and good in bed, and he was nice to me. He was fun, and older. We were doing the same course and had a lot in common. But he was too busy trying to bang someone else in our group of friends. I don't blame him for that. He actually apologised after I'd told him what i'd been going through as we were still kinda friendly after i'd got over it. We still text every now and then to see how each other are getting on. Although not recently as Ali put a stop to me talking to anyone else I'd been with.

    After that guy there was another. I used him a bit. He bought us weed and drinks. I knew he really liked me but all I wanted was a ****. I wanted to maintain my record. I had never gone more than 7 weeks without sex. We all went out one night, me, him and a couple of my friends. We all came home, absolutely wrecked, and sparked up a couple of joints. I was now wrecked and stoned beyond belief. We ended up having sex. He had only had sex with one girl before, he was literally the worst in bed you could ever imagine. Like a seal. I was going to invite him to come to my cousins wedding reception, but after that I just wanted him to leave and never see him again. See my transformation?
    That was October.

    On Halloween, I invited Ali over. We watched some programme about sex maniacs, it was pretty funny. Then some south park i think. We got on really well anyway. There was this unbelieveable tension. It's not that I wanted to "f**k" him, per say. I really wanted to kiss him, just so he wouldn't go home thinking I didn't like him. But I wasn't going to make that first move! We play fought. I caught him looking at my boobs. He smiled, he was embarassed. We made the move at the same time. this then did spiral into "i want you now" thoughts. I just remember thinking how good looking he is, and he was funny, he talked about the stupidest things ever, it was brilliant. He just seemed like himself. Anyway we ended up having sex. We also ended up hanging out all the time after that, not just for sex but we really enjoyed each others company. I didn't want a relationship though, no no. Neither did he. Men are evil and women are evil. I knew one of us would get hurt. We just kept hanging out together, and I would go out with my friends and pull other guys (never slept with them). He didn't even kiss anyone else, and I always was honest with him about what happened on nights out. But he got upset. He still didn't want a relationship, yet I could tell I was upsetting him by pulling other people. The whole thing was one big effort not to fall for him. If I saw other people then I would stay single. But I was hurting him so I couldn't.
    I basically said to him that what I was doing was hurting him, which he agreed with. And that I won't be "seeing" him, and not seeing anyone else, that is being exclusive. That is a relationship. I really really liked him. I told him that I wouldn't keep hurting him like that, so either we stop seeing each other, or give a relationship a go.
    We picked a relationship. A year or so has gone by now. I still fancy him. We've been so happy together. I love him. He doesn't like me talking to guys I've slept with, we're both insecure. It doesn't bother me, those guys were never great friends anyway. But Ali feels like a best friend. I told him about what happened to me. It was quite early days, but I wanted to be completely honest with him, and make that a base for us to work from. Apparently me telling him my deepest darkest secret is what sealed the deal for him.
    Everything was perfect.
    So why now, why won't he get a job. Why can't he do the teensiest little things that I NEED to feel secure. Yes they're completely stupid, but at the end of the day, it's a choice between me, and the stupid things, isn't it? I don't stop him seeing his friends or anything. I want him to stop smoking weed EVERY day. I want him to stop spending all his time either round at his friend's smoking, or playing PS3. If he actually looks for a job, makes 100% effort, then I won't care what he does in his spare time. But he has abslutely no ambition. There's nothing he wants to do in life. He's 23 years old and life goes by very quickly. He needs to figure something out soon and get on the path to being there.

    This is his last chance. I've been through too much for another failed relationship. I'm far too young for this. I know that. But at the end of the day you can't help when you meet someone. If he can sort out those things. Then we can be happy again. If he can't then I'm going to have to abstain for a few years, maybe get some therapy and sort out my head. Then meet someone after I've graduated.

    I really hope he sorts himself out. I'm not going to guide him through it, I've tried before. He has to decide what he really wants from life on his own. Then he can get back to me, or not.
     
  20. elm

    elm Silver Member

    Posts:
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    Start Weight:
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    Current Weight:
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    Finally, taking control!
    Well its good to know that you already know what you want and that's what matters the most.
     
  21. valerie11

    valerie11 Gold Member

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    Diet:
    slimming world
    hi hun i'm sorry for what u've been through, it must be hard for you loving someone and they won't make any effort to find work and smokes weed every day, that's probably why he's not bothered about finding work it probably chills him right out and then nothing else is important to him. i think u have to accept that he's not going to bother finding a job and carry on smoking weed and decide if u still want him to be part of ur life, tell him you love him but you can't handle him being the way he is, i was married to an alchoholic he thought his life would stop if he didn't have a drink i married him thinking it would change him ........ wrong i put up with abuse and beatings for 21 years then when my youngest daughter was 18 thought i don't want to live like this any more, i was scared being on my own but what a relief it was, it was lovely coming home to my house without worrying what mood he was going to be in and whether i was going to get a clout for saying the wrong thing. i wish i had been strong enough to do it a long time b4 i did. good luck hun look after yourself xx
     
  22. AmberX

    AmberX Full Member

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    Hey just read all your diary. I love how honest you are and I totally no what you mean about being able to talk about privet things on here because no1 nos you!! God girl you've been through some ****. Iv been with my boyfriend for just over three years he treats me like a princess but because we got together just after I turned 15 I isolated myself from every1 and was in my own little bubble with Matt. I am now 18, do not see any of my old friend from school and am quite lonely when he's not around. I rely on him to much and he nos it. I too am not allowd boy friends and had to delete all there numbers quite soon after we got together. I was a size 8 when we got together and for the past two years have been 16. I feel vile but he tells me I'm beautiful and he doesn't care if I put on weight or not. I have joined slimming world a few weeks ago and really getting myself on track. I must say though Matt wasn't very supportive and keeps trying to make me break my diet. My mum says he's a control freak but because I love him I never want to hear it, but deep down I no it's true. But the more he trys to make me cheat the more determined I am!! Don't let **** with Ali wreak your diet. I no that if we would argue I would comfort eat all the time. Men can b *******s at the end of the day but you just need to do what makes you happy! :) just also like to say to Valerie that it must of been so hard to leave your husband after so long. My mum sufferd from abuse from my dad for years as he is an alcoholic, but she is so happy now without a man and no1 deserves to be beaten and scared in there own home. Any way sorry for babbling, I will be noseing on your diary again to see how things are going. Also when you said that guy was like a seal in bed. I was pissing myself when I read it and thought about will off the invetweeners when he's with that Charlotte in bed and he's just lay flat on her haha don't no if you've seen it but it's cracking and that's what I thought of lol xxxx
     
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