I didn't have the toast + banana + hot chocolate last night, instead I went to bed at 9pm, and woke up at 5am. That's fine, I can deal with that, mum will be up soon. I'm going to go and get a shower and then hopefully mum will be up and I can get her to make me breakfast (i'm so lazy haha). I think I want scrambled egg on toast again, but I'm not sure if we have any good bread. (Either 260 or 360 calories depending on which bread we have)
For lunch I plan on having tuna pasta (300 calories)
And for dinner a stir fry of some sort, either chicken or tuna (330 calories)
I really like eating healthily. It feels good. I don't get stomach aches anymore either. I used to get loads of stomach aches and had to curl up it hurt so much. Probably because when I was growing up I ate healthily, then in the last year or 2 I've been eating terribly and my digestive system couldn't cope.
Definitely less gas, even though i've been eating more veg.
I had a bad dream about Ali. I don't remember it anymore, I just know it was a bad dream. He texted me last night when I was asleep so I got it when I woke up. He wished me good luck for my exam today and said he misses me.
I started thinking about all my exes etc. I have some real issues because of them. I think I can tell the whole truth on here, nobody knows me.
My first boyfriend - I had just discovered the internet, I was 13. I was over at my friend's house and she was talking to some 18 year old on msn, from London. He sounded cool and I wanted to talk to him, it was exciting. I added him to msn when I got him, I never asked my friend how she knew him. I still don't know. We were talking about stuff, every day we wwould talk for hours. I was really shy and didn't have many friends at that age, I had a horrible self image and was bullied. Had a couple of friends, one of whom is still my best friend to this day! When I was 14, he was 19, I ended up thinking I fancied him. We started talking more sexually. It makes me feel sick thinking about it. We started "going out" when I was 14, and we met when I was 15. He flew to see me. He was the first guy I kissed. He also took my virginity. He's sick. We went out for about 2 years, it was an awful relationship. He controlled me and yet told me I was smothering him by wanting to sit on his knee at bus stops etc. Wouldn't let me have male friends and eventually he cheated on me when he went to Blackpool. I didn't trust him I'd been considering paying someone to follow him. He was supposed to move up here with me for a year while I went to college, then I was going to move down there to go to uni. He constantly dumped me when I got annoyed about the way he was treating me and I always begged for him back. Then when I was 16 I realised what was happening and ended it. I don't know why I was with him. He weighed 24 stone and I was thin when we met. Although I quickly put on 3 and a half stone. My weight spiralled out of control after that.
Although 3 weeks after leaving him, I met my next squeeze. We slept together on the same day. He was skinny, and had a massive ****. Quite the opposite of bf1. We never went out though, he told me he loved, but wouldn't go out with me, strung me along, made me jealous of other girls. He turned me into a psycho ***** who couldn't trust. After 5 or 6 months I got sick of it, I was on holiday and pulled a lot of guys in clubs. I told him when I got back and he didn't want to see me anymore (even though he was the one who wouldn't commit to me). I wanted him back, feeling like I'd done wrong even though I knew I hadn't. He invited me over to his flat because he was "lonely", so I walked all the way over in the middle of the night, through a dodgy part of the town. We had sex. Then I saw the bite mark on his shoulder that I hadn't given him. I told him where to get to, and he came over to my house, begging me to take him back and that he'd give me everything I wanted and more. I said it was too late. I slept with another guy immediately to piss him off. I knew a guy who was out one night, he was pretty cool, a punk guy with awesome hair, lots of tattoos and piercings. He came back to mine. We ****ed. He went his way and I went mine. That was Feb/March time.
Then April I started "seeing" someone else. He had a job, spent money on me, we had reasonable fun. I.e. He bought weed and we smoked it. I was 17 then. He asked me out a few times and I said no, I didn't want another relationship after what i'd been through, certainly not that quickly anyway. I was broken. Eventually I said yes. I quickly found out I was pregnant. I cried when the person at the doctors surgery said the result was positive. He stayed with me long enough for me to murder our child. Then he dumped me over the phone when I was away on holiday with my mum straight after. Why did I look? Why did I look? WHY did I look? I remember what it looked like. My baby. That I killed.
It was August he dumped me.
September I started university.
I was single during freshers week. I had a fling with a guy for that week. He played me too. But it's fine. My emotions were all over the place I wouldn't normally have "fancied him". Normallyhe would have just been a f**k. But he was hot, and good in bed, and he was nice to me. He was fun, and older. We were doing the same course and had a lot in common. But he was too busy trying to bang someone else in our group of friends. I don't blame him for that. He actually apologised after I'd told him what i'd been going through as we were still kinda friendly after i'd got over it. We still text every now and then to see how each other are getting on. Although not recently as Ali put a stop to me talking to anyone else I'd been with.
After that guy there was another. I used him a bit. He bought us weed and drinks. I knew he really liked me but all I wanted was a ****. I wanted to maintain my record. I had never gone more than 7 weeks without sex. We all went out one night, me, him and a couple of my friends. We all came home, absolutely wrecked, and sparked up a couple of joints. I was now wrecked and stoned beyond belief. We ended up having sex. He had only had sex with one girl before, he was literally the worst in bed you could ever imagine. Like a seal. I was going to invite him to come to my cousins wedding reception, but after that I just wanted him to leave and never see him again. See my transformation?
That was October.
On Halloween, I invited Ali over. We watched some programme about sex maniacs, it was pretty funny. Then some south park i think. We got on really well anyway. There was this unbelieveable tension. It's not that I wanted to "f**k" him, per say. I really wanted to kiss him, just so he wouldn't go home thinking I didn't like him. But I wasn't going to make that first move! We play fought. I caught him looking at my boobs. He smiled, he was embarassed. We made the move at the same time. this then did spiral into "i want you now" thoughts. I just remember thinking how good looking he is, and he was funny, he talked about the stupidest things ever, it was brilliant. He just seemed like himself. Anyway we ended up having sex. We also ended up hanging out all the time after that, not just for sex but we really enjoyed each others company. I didn't want a relationship though, no no. Neither did he. Men are evil and women are evil. I knew one of us would get hurt. We just kept hanging out together, and I would go out with my friends and pull other guys (never slept with them). He didn't even kiss anyone else, and I always was honest with him about what happened on nights out. But he got upset. He still didn't want a relationship, yet I could tell I was upsetting him by pulling other people. The whole thing was one big effort not to fall for him. If I saw other people then I would stay single. But I was hurting him so I couldn't.
I basically said to him that what I was doing was hurting him, which he agreed with. And that I won't be "seeing" him, and not seeing anyone else, that is being exclusive. That is a relationship. I really really liked him. I told him that I wouldn't keep hurting him like that, so either we stop seeing each other, or give a relationship a go.
We picked a relationship. A year or so has gone by now. I still fancy him. We've been so happy together. I love him. He doesn't like me talking to guys I've slept with, we're both insecure. It doesn't bother me, those guys were never great friends anyway. But Ali feels like a best friend. I told him about what happened to me. It was quite early days, but I wanted to be completely honest with him, and make that a base for us to work from. Apparently me telling him my deepest darkest secret is what sealed the deal for him.
Everything was perfect.
So why now, why won't he get a job. Why can't he do the teensiest little things that I NEED to feel secure. Yes they're completely stupid, but at the end of the day, it's a choice between me, and the stupid things, isn't it? I don't stop him seeing his friends or anything. I want him to stop smoking weed EVERY day. I want him to stop spending all his time either round at his friend's smoking, or playing PS3. If he actually looks for a job, makes 100% effort, then I won't care what he does in his spare time. But he has abslutely no ambition. There's nothing he wants to do in life. He's 23 years old and life goes by very quickly. He needs to figure something out soon and get on the path to being there.
This is his last chance. I've been through too much for another failed relationship. I'm far too young for this. I know that. But at the end of the day you can't help when you meet someone. If he can sort out those things. Then we can be happy again. If he can't then I'm going to have to abstain for a few years, maybe get some therapy and sort out my head. Then meet someone after I've graduated.
I really hope he sorts himself out. I'm not going to guide him through it, I've tried before. He has to decide what he really wants from life on his own. Then he can get back to me, or not.