becoming more assertive

Discussion in 'Lighter Life Forum' started by silhouettes, 8 March 2008 Social URL.

  1. silhouettes

    silhouettes Silver Member

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    I have always been one of those people that was brought up to go out of my way for other people even if it really put myself out. If i was upset or angry at someone i would never tell them as it might upset them and make them not like me. I internalised all of my feelings and used food. The feelings actually gave a physical response to my stomach, it ties itself in knots and makes me feel sick. Not just a little bit but the 'waking up in the middle of the night thinking the world is ending type stomach churning feeling'.

    I have started to become more assertive and if i am not happy with something then i voice it and try and deal with the issue itself. This is very difficult for me as i absolutely hate confrontation and have spent the last 30 years (all my life) avoiding it where ever possible.

    The problem i am having is that other people can not cope with this change in me. They think i am being rude. Now i hasten to add im not shouting at people or having huge tantrums but stating the problem or checking why work that i have set has not even been attempted by the supply teacher at school etc. These are the people who do exactly the same themselves and dont blink if anyone else does it either, but they cant cope with the fact that i am now standing up for myself rather than letting myself be walked all over.

    I then feel really bad that i am becoming a 'rude' person and while i know that logically i am not, it still makes me feel awful and then that horrid stomach feeling returns again.

    This happened to me yesterday and i am still really upset about the situation. I am left feeling dreadful and beating myself up about it, but at the same time i know i was in the right to be more assertive. Has anyone else had difficulties in standing up for themselves or is it just me?
     
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  3. Blonde Logic

    Blonde Logic Yes. You can.

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    Oh my god SIl - I could have written that myself!! Nearly word for word.. I have been passive so long, because my crooked thinking told me because I was fat, I should keep quiet as speaking up would draw attention to my being fat - therefore should not have an opinion. How sick is that!!!

    I get really angry when my husband gets angry if I get angry!! lol I say "Why is it OK for you or anyone else to have a strop, but not me!!???" Drives me crazy!!!

    Keep working on it!!!
     
  4. Mich

    Mich Taking Back Control...!!!

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    Hi!

    I know exactly what you mean.... I'm a real 'people' pleaser and hate any sort of confrontation... I too know about the sick feeling in the pit of the stomach..... the only people I ever get cross with are the kids and my OH.... and v v v occasionally my mum.....:eek:

    I did LL a couple of years ago and lost 6 stone and did become more confident but still found it difficult to assert myself.... I was also in a job at the time that really repressed me and made me quite ill....

    I found as I lost the weight I became more confident and did stand up for myself so to speak a bit more but found and still do find it v difficult....

    I allow myself to be pressured into things I don't really want to do and then don't stand up for myself but do it and then bleat about it to OH!!

    I did learn to take compliments though.....:) As the weight came off and people commented instead of the usual 'oh I've still loads to go' 'oh this old top/skirt/trousers...etc' I just smiled and said thank you...!!

    Anyway, I'm ramblin a bit and prob not helping but just wanted to say I understand where you coming from - I think sometimes when we are big we are overly nice so people will like us despite our fat....:eek::sigh:

    As long as you know you are not being rude then people will get used to your new approach.... and anyway why shouldn't you do what others do????

    Try not to worry too much about it - it's all part of the adjustment to being a new more confident you...:)
     
    Last edited: 8 March 2008
  5. Russiandoll

    Russiandoll Carpe diem

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    I've always been a bit of a door mat but when I lost weight, I did find the confidence to change that a bit. I think it's because I wasn't so worried about getting a 'f*ck off fatty' response.
     
  6. Russiandoll

    Russiandoll Carpe diem

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    Thought I'd illustrate my point.

    Me overweight
    [​IMG]

    Me when I'd lost weight
    [​IMG]

    Well, maybe not as brash as that but you get my drift :)
     
  7. silhouettes

    silhouettes Silver Member

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    thanks everyone that has really helped me feel better.

    and lol russiandoll i loved those pics :D

    sil
     
  8. x-Katie-x

    x-Katie-x Gold Member

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    I also could have written your post silhouette --- I've changed so much, quietly standing up for myself in situations where before I would have just sat and taken it. I'm not rude, not at all as I really don't like rudeness in people whether it is spoken, written or anything but I am more quietly confident and do you know what.... I really quite like it LOL ---- can't wait for the time when someone really pee's me off and I'll see how I am when I scream and shout!
     
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