Blonde Logic's Stream of Consciousness/Diary

[lynnwilliams]

Sorry of your loss BL , really sorry didnt realise, love to you (( xxxx

 

[Isis]

Well, time to blow the dust of this and start using it again. I am approaching some very difficult days/weeks/months ahead, and this may be a good source for thoughts. ANd comfort.

As most of you know by now, my trip was expected to be an emotional journey, but never, ever did I think it would end the way it did. That mom would have a horrific accident, and suffer through weeks in Critical care, fighting for her life.

I expected it might have been the last time I would see her, but not under these circumstances. And never did I imagine 10 days after returning to the uk, that she would lose that fight, and we would lose her.

To say that has knocked me for six would be a complete lie. It has knocked me for 12.

I learned, that gut insticts are something we should always listen too. About 4 months ago, I got very depressed, and started fearing the end was near. I think I might have written about it here. I did not know why or where those feelings came from - I just "knew".

During those times, my diet suffered, but not horribly. But now, after what we went through, everything I learned in CBT went out the window. This was too big, and too deep and I needed comfort.

I don;t drink, so I turned to my old "friend" food. I didn't - couldn;t care. I knew I would have to pay for it, in the end.

But I need to revisit some of my thoughts, and beliefs, and strengths and weaknesses, and learn from this.

During those 4 months or so, I have put on about 30 pounds. I don;t see this as failure. I see this as realising there is more to learn, and more to practice.

It was amazing to me, to be conscious of what was going on. I would be sat there. Then sad thoughts and worry would consume. I would immediately eat something. Those thoughts would go away. For a moment. Then they returned, up I went and more I stuffed.

The word TRIGGER truly is apt.

I ate, until I could barely swallow through my tears. I would almost choke. I just stuffed that pain, until I could barely even swallow.

I am glad that I have decided to stop this madness now, and go back onto packs before it gets worse. But I feel I have let myself down a little too. I will work on that.

The feelings of loss, go beyond my mother. I have alos lost a life long friend through all of this, and feel a completely and totally betrayed. We have been friends 35 years. ANd she judged me and my family at a time when we needed her friendship, love and support. Knife firmly planted in back. I have yet to give this much thought. Mom became my only thought, and all energy focused on her. IN the coming weeks, I expect feelings around this will come up and more will be felt and dealt with.

We are also losing our family home. The home my mother and father designed and build with their own blood, sweat and tears. My fathers legacy is all but dissolved due to mishandling by my mothers stubborness when my father died. This came as a huge shock to us for she assured us years ago she put all her affairs in order to make life simpler. She did not do anything that she was advised, reccomended or instructed. I do not understand why - and leaves us all shaking our head in wonder. I know it was an accident - that she would have believed she had set up a trust properly, etc., but it was done all wrong. All wrong.

It all means that the home I grew up in, the home where all my youthful memories sprung from, the garden of 50 foot tall trees I watched over my life grow from saplings, every holiday, everyting - is lost. I can't describe how this feels. Maybe others will understand. Its kind of unusal these days for people to have stayed put for so long, and people move around a lot. The family home seems to be a thing of the past. But for me, it is my home, my only home. ANd the thought of losing it, is like another death.

I suppose I will greive that loss too.

I vow now, not to make the same mistake in grieving that I made with my father. I denied myself the time to grieve, and received zero support from my ex-husband. And it wrecked me. It took about 10-12 years to get a handle on his death. And my life was pretty dark in those years. I will not do that again.

I also know I need to get some help. PRofessionaly. I am having bad dreams, about the incident, finding mom and seeing her injuries....the events in hospital where death was all around us.

This was a critical burn unit only, and it was a very intense ward. It was very insular = it had its own operating theatre, its own A&E essentially, so patients were brought right in to the ward straight from the ambulance.

I have seen things, that no person should ever have to see. People without faces. Babies without limbs. Death. Familys turning off life support of their loved ones.... Every single day for 28 days. Day in, day out. I am realising now how traumatic it was, but at the time, I was on autopilot, and relatively numb.

I can safely say, that this was the worst life has shown me yet. It is the most difficult time of my life.

Now, I feel numb, confused, tired, scared, sad, and angry.

I vow not to let these emotions get the best of me.

Its a long road, but it starts....one foot in front of the other. One day after another.

Give me strength.

I've just seen this BL as I came over to see how you were doing. I just want you to know that I've read your post, am sending a huge amount of positive vibes and support and that I'm here if I can ever help in any way xxx

 

[Blonde Logic]

Thank you very much Isis. It is a very dificult time right now. Emotions all over the place, but every day is a new day, and I jut keep trying to put one foot in front of the other. SOme days it works, and some it doesn't. lol

Thank you <hugs>

xx

 

[Blonde Logic]

<sigh> I feel completely in limbo.

I am really trying hard to talk myself into having an extra bar "Cause its a bar, so its not bad" lol.

If *anyone* knows how to shut your mind off, please let me know. I simply, no matter what I try or do, cannot stop my mind running through so much stuff, over and over. And stuff gets added daily. Estate stuff. Probate stuff. Funeral stuff. Where will we stay stuff? How can we afford to import moms dog stuff. Is mybrother going to ruin the funeral stuff. Will he even go stuff? Will my friend cause scene stuff. just stuff stuff stuff. It just doesn't stop. <sigh>

Ya know, I have to say, no matter how much we learn, and change - food STILL makes things like this easier somehow.

I am glad I am on the packs now. I have found my weakness.

3 and a half weeks feels an eternity to wait for moms funeral. Its now 2 weeks away. Its torture. Life feels like a badly directed movie. My hubby feels the same. But god bless him, I would be lost without him right now. he is my rock. he keeps me standing.

Well, day 6 done. So far, 100%. phew.

 

[daisydoll]

well done, you are doing so well BL

good on your hubby, it must be hard for him to see you so upset.

keep up the good work

thinking of you

daisy x

 

[slendablenda]

Love to you and C. xxxx:hug99:

 

[Quak]

You are doing incredibly well BL - keep it up, a bit of control over one part of your life is better than no control over everything.
B xxx

 

[Blonde Logic]

Thank you Quak <<<hugs>>> That is exactly how I felt - and i know I would have been in a world of hurt if I carried on the way I had been. And now, with the funeral delayed so long, it would have been catastrophic.

Thank you.

xx

 

[Blonde Logic]

Sometimes writing things down helps me get things out of my head and then I can look at the list to reassure myself I've covered that part. It doesn't work for everything though.

Going for a walk and getting some fresh air may help too. But most of all, just make sure you keep looking after yourself as the priority to put you in the best spot possible.

xxxx

Thank you LS.

I have tried going out, several times - for a walk, or a drive - but I have jst not managed to actually leave my house. I am only leaving my hosue when I HAVE to (ie work, groceries) otherwise, I am becoming a hermit.

I need to try and push myself, as I know a walk, outdoors, fresh air, etc., will do me good - and I try. I get dressed, grab my kit, head for the door and as soon as I reach for the door know, its like a forcefiled won't let me cross. I just can't go out.

In time.

Maybe I will be successful this weekend.

 

[Quak]

Aw hun, you need green stuff and sea, and fresh air, do it for you xx

 

[Blonde Logic]

Well, when we get to California, after the funeral, we will be driving on this road, for about 2-3 hours, and it looks like this the whole way......i know that will do my soul good.

I am going to try and get out this weekend. It will be good for me.

Thanks everyone...

 

[Blonde Logic]

Today I managed to get myself out of my huose. Since we returned from San Francisco, I have only left the house if I HAD to (ie work, food, and petrol) I've tried a fair few times, but got as far as opening the door to leave, and gave up.

So went out, bought a pair of Blue Suede heels for moms funeral. Blue was her favourite colour. Got what I am wearing sorted -a beautiful blue dress, in all shades of blue, with a black jacket, belt and tights. And then got some colour to change my hair. Mom commented on my roots. o ) SO its the least I can do. lol

It was nice to be out - but nice to be back in the seclusion of my cave.

Baby steps.

But oddly enough, today, while I woke up very sad, and got very sad when watching a movie, I suddenly had a sense of freedom wash over me.

At first it made me feel terrible - guilty, because I will miss mom forever - but this sense of now not really being obliged to anything anymore other than what I want to do, or what others need me to do, felt rather nice - not nice that mom is gone, dont get me wrong. WOuld have her here before anything if I could. But just that sort of sense of a new kind of freedom in the future....that my life will be a lot different going forward. And that is just sort of occuring to me now.

Well, very near the pinnacle of all of this - a week and a half to go - and then in time, it can only get better going back down the hill, to discover what our new "normalcy" will be. Not that I have ever been anythign close to normal. lol

xx

 

[Blonde Logic]

Happy Birthday mom. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Looby Lew]

Well, when we get to California, after the funeral, we will be driving on this road, for about 2-3 hours, and it looks like this the whole way......i know that will do my soul good.

I am going to try and get out this weekend. It will be good for me.

Thanks everyone...

BL - love the photo - very symbolic - a bump in the road while it gets around an obstacle but gets back on track and keeps on going.
You will get there - but today being her birthday will be another obstacle in your road - I hope you are back on track soon.
<<<<hugs>>>>>.
L

 

[Blonde Logic]

how clever are you LL!!! I like your perception of that photo - very apt!! Thank you hon. xxx

 

[Blonde Logic]

mom Dorothy PENCE Obituary: View Dorothy PENCE's Obituary by Contra Costa Times

 

[Blonde Logic]

Feeling so so blue tonight. I miss mom so much. I just want to call her. Every single night, I reach for the phone before I remember. Every single night. I wish that would stop - its so painful at that moment of "oh, yah"....I just miss her so much. :cry:

I have missed the last 8-9 years with her, being over here - save but 2 weeks at a time, once a year. I have missed so much. I would give anything to wind back the clock and do things differently.

Its such early days - I know there is so much to go through ahead of me... it has not hit me yet, that I no longer have a parent. :cry:Or maybe its hitting me now. I just feel so little, so small, and so sad. My mom and dad meant everything to me. Everything.

I cannot concentrate. I have so much on my mind, and so many worries ahead. My head is constantly spinning. I wish it would stop.

How am I gonna get through this.

:cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry:

 

[Starlight]

It doesnt feel like it just now but you WILL get through it. Its so hard waiting for a funeral, and youve had to wait longer than most *HUGS*

My dad died last year and I still see/hear things on the tv etc and think 'Oh I must see if dads seen that' and every time its like a physical pain when I realise I cant tell him.

You had a wonderful relationship with your mum, you might have been apart physically but you had a bond that was more than about distance.

Take however long it takes to grieve for your mum, its so hard when you think of those last days but they were such a small part of your time together, replace them with memories of the times you had before that.

Thinking of you xx

 

[slendablenda]

Hi hun,
I wish there was something I could do to make things a bit easier for you.
What you are going through has made me
more determined to make the most of my
Mum while I've still got her.

 

[Blonde Logic]

ugh....reallly having a hard time today. warning, this is depressing, and not outwardly graphic - but not very pleasant.

<sigh>

Ya know, I moaned about having to be at work, with all this looming. But now, now that I am on "holiday", it's awful. Without work to focus on, all that is ahead is moms funeral, and things are hitting me hard.

Been a kind of lousy 2 days...feeling so depressed.

From the time I got home, been having bad dreams about moms accident and her burns.

But now, I am starting to have bad dreams about some of the things I saw in the burn unit, that at the time I was in such a state of shock I didn;t really process what I was seeing. I saw them. And I was shocked and stunned - but carried on in the robot mode I was in just to get through it all. Butnow, its like its all replaying itself for me. How kind.

Without being too graphic, I will quote film titles to give you an idea....

"Man without a face" "A farewell to arms" . Lets just say - special effects in horror movies are pretty accurate.

I keep seeing these two above, when I close my eyes, or when I am sleeping. Its so upsetting.

Death was everywhere. Moms roomate died right there in her room....they wheeled the body out in front of us...we watched his friends and family all come in and say their goodbyes before the machine was turned off....saw their heartache, just like we were fearing our own....then there was a person - could not even tell if it was a man or woman....it was so unreal, I sort of could not believe what I was seeng. There was a baby so badly burned, well. It just doesn;t bear thinking or talking about - but I can't stop it. I don;t do it consciously, its when I am sleeping. Or like now, just drifting off for a nap. Its like having a horror film running in m head.

Then I keep seeing moms face, when she couldn't breath, or was in pain. The fear in her eyes. ITs all coming back to me. And I can;t shake it! The moment I am not distracted - BANG. There it all is.

And its doing a complete and total mind you-know-what on me.

Me thinks I am going to need help with this one.

Now I am getting tearful at the drop of a hat. I had felt so unusually calm these past weeks. But not anymore. At the store today, in the freezer section - a song came on and I was off.

I am starting to feel angry - at moms situation, what she had to go through. Why??? Why did that have to happen to her??

I will never make sense of it. Why do such horrible things happen to such good people.

Feeling very unstable....and like my mountain gets farther away the closer we get - if that makes sense. I feel like I am holding my breath until I get there..that I am sufficating...and it seems an eternity away.

God, I reallly really hate this part of life. It SUCKS.

Sorry - rant over. I just wish I could make the dreams/visions stop. This is the worst time of my life. I hope to god nothing ever tops it. I don;t think I could take it.