Blonde Logic's Stream of Consciousness/Diary

First emotional week.

Well, week 12, and it's been an emotional one.

When the news from my doctor about OsteoAsrthritis and my neck and all finally sank in on Tuesday, it appears to have hit me pretty hard. There have been more then a few tears this week. I have left work early a couple od days. And last night nearly passed out because I had the codenine on an empty stomach. I really felt like the wind was knocked out of me.

I don't know if that is how I should be feeling, or if my emotions are all on the surface throughout this diet, easily disturbed.

When it all came pouring out was when I spoke to one of my best friends back home the other night. I do know part of it is from holding back tears for 11 months waiting for a resolution. I am pretty good at hiding my pain. But all those 11 months I thought I knew that there would be an end to it. Being told there really isn't....not a definitive one anyway....well, 11 months worth of pain sprung itself.

I know I will get it sorted, or manageable - more manageable anyway, somehow. I just need to find the right combination of treatment. So I will learn to live with it. It just caught me so unaware.

There is one very bright point to mention and for me to remember......not once did I even think or consider eating anything.

As a result - I really felt and understood my tears. It has been a long time since I cried like I did with my mate Judy - its a whole different feeling when you don't stiffle them with food.

I'm proud of that.



[just want to say thanks again for PM's and information/advice/experiences with OA....its been helpful :)]
 
Well. I haven't written anything here recently - other then my news of my neck. So I thought I would drop a few lines today.

I am feeling great, mentally. I just feel so happy within myself and it is feeling great. Each week, it feels better then the week before.

I have just come from town. I had a "free" hour off work today, so left at 3pm. I came home, grabbed my credit card and marched up to my two new favourite charity shops. And I went a bit mad again. But - it had to be done.

Can I just say what a true pleasure it is to shop again. I have not been in more then a very very small handful of shops since I moved here. I had begun to hate shopping. So I bought all my clothes online.

But - I missed going in a shop and buying off the rack. I would now and again go to Marks and Sparks to see if they had anything fat that would go on me. I could usually find one - maybe two things I kind of liked. But they always looked horrible. I almost felt obliged to buy them simply because they went on my body and came off of a rack.

As my weight inclined and mood and general zest for life declined over the past fat years.....it became apparent in my clothes and dress sense. Almost all black. Almost all long sleeved. Almost all trousers had some elastic somewhere on them. I stopped caring. I have spent most of the past 2 years in jeans and hoodies and Harley Tee shirts. I have been dressing like a guy in all my free time!! lol I tried at work to at least be a little girly....but it wasn't easy because I just did not care.

Well - all these recent trips to the charity shop - and I am buying girl clothes!! Lots of pale pink, lavender, lilac, soft flowy fabric, fitted trousers and shirts, skirts, silk, linen!! Shoot - I even bought a DRESS today! AND - a BELT! I have not worn a belt for about 10 years - or longer. Why would I? So it could highlight the circumfrance of my expanding waist!!?? I think not! Well, I have a waist again. So now I have a belt. And will now highlight my shrinking waistline.

I felt so pleased with myself as I tried these clothes on. It will be a good long time before I am in them - and 1 or 2 are seriously optomistic - and these ones I got today are really for closer to goal. But I could get them on, and I could envision what they are going to look like.

I am going to look like a girl again! And, it is rather exciting.

I am getting many strokes at work. It is really showing now, and a lot of people are commenting and congratulating me. I have had no negative comments about putting it back on, or it being unhealthy - I have had nothing but support and that feels wonderful.

Aside from my neck, life is feeling pretty wonderful these days.

Telling my two best friends back home what I have been doing to has felt wonderful. I really missed having their love and support along the way....but they understood why I didn't say anything and they are both very happy for me. It feels wonderful to share with them again.

Life is good.

My cup is definately half full.
 
What a lovely post BL - it is so nice to hear about someone in the peak of their weight-loss euphoria.
I need to hear a lot more of this on a daily basis - it just makes me smile and remember why we are doing this in the first place.... sometimes the personal development side of the programme takes over and overshadows the trememdous excitement of watching your body change before your eyes and loving every minute.
Thanks for giving me a seriously needed lift today BL
You are a star
Laura
 
Ignore this! :)

Nothing to see here - just needed a place to save my signature while I work on a new one in case I need to cut and paste..... :D



May Day Challenge
3.1 to go​


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1st week -10.9 :eek:
2nd week -4.9 :party0049:
3rd week -5.5:party0011:
4th week -3.7 :party0048:
5th week -2.8 :whistle:
6th week -2.8 :ignore:
7th week -3.0 :wavey:
8th week -4.8:smoke:
9th week -2.4 :princess:
10th week-4.4 :queen:
11th week -3.7:innocent0002:
12th week -1.5 :blahblah:
13th week -2.6 :clap:
14th week -4.4 :massmoon:
15th week - .80 :rotflmao:
16th week -4.4 :drool:
INCHES LOST TO DATE: 22.5
OVER FOUR STONE LOST IN FOUNDATION!!!!! :party0049:



 
awww i was looking forward to that :( lol x
 
I enjoy reading your thoughts and feelings- its all dead inspiring stuff.
you should write a book :)
inspirational xx
 
Newbie

Hi. I'm new to dieting and new to comment boards. Just looking for a bit of support I suppose. I'm not sure I've entered the thread at the right point either, is it really 2 weeks ago since anyone posted? or am I lost?:rolleyes:
 
Well whaddya know - I spoke my mind.....

Tonight I did something that I have seldom, if ever really, done.

I spoke my mind. Openly, and honestly - and in a very emotional manner. And I feel good - if unfamiliar - about it.

While visiting my friend Cyndi, who i have known 32 years and her husband Gary, (they hosted moms party) I suddenly found myself being grilled by Gary about my "no good, flaky brother" and why he didn;t come to the party, and whats his problem, etc., and blah blah friggin blah - (same song and dance as all visits before).

My brother may be a flake, and can certainly be a jerk, but he's my bro - and family is family.

I felt really offended, and I started to defend my brother.

However, what makes it a wee bit complicated and confusing, is I have been getting very annoyed at my brother as ever since we arrived in California he has been moaning about one thing or another (mom, her carer, the gardner, everything and everyone under the sun) He has been feeling sorry for himself and painting a picture of persecution against him - as if they are all out to get him.

This happens everytime we come out here. :mad: Its like my family saves everything up for me to deal with. No one calls me, ever, during the year. The odd email, but never a call - its all saved up and then thrown at me while we are on holiday!

Well, tonight, it became too much and I blew up.

I told Gary when he was firing questions about my bro, that I didn't know the answers - that its not my job to know the answers, and if people are so goddam interested, then why are they asking me, and not him - do me a favour - don't drag me in the middle - AGAIN - just deal with it yourselves!

I burst into tears, and really unloaded. I realised this has happened not only every single trip, but also, throughout my entire life.

I have ALWAYS been the people pleaser - running around with my imaginary pompoms making sure everyone is OK, and happy, smoothing out arguments before they even erupt!! etc., anything to keep waters calm, etc., and that is not easy work!!! I said I am fed up and not going to do it any more.

It went on and on - I just told them I am sick of everyone expecting me to arrive and miraculously sort out my familes issues, jut like that >snap!<!

I also told my friend Cyndi, that I was envious that she has had so much time with my mom the past 7 years since I have been here, and at times, jealous, and that it hurts/scares/angers/guilts me that she is getting her last years and I am 6000 miles away - and she said she had felt that I resented her - I said no - just envied immensely....so we cried and hugged and cried and hugged, and cleared some much clogged up air....

Phew. Its a ramble now, as it was earlier. But I just wanted to be sure to mark this - as 6 months ago I would not have had the nerve or confidence to speak up....I would have smiled, and agreed and stifled all feelings and emotions, ANYTHING to avoid confrontation or conflict of any kind...and then probably would have shoved food down me gob to silence it all.

Wow. Its a new, but good feeling. I think they were all a bit shocked!! No one is used to hearing me speak like that - so directly about things. My OH was great - heard voices rising and came in and took my hand and backed me up right the way through, bless him.

There are moments, where I wonder why we keep coming back here....I told Cyndi - every year its the same - that I look forward for months to seeing mom - then I get there, and everyone starts dumping on me and I get so stressed out, then I get snippy with OH, and then he gets mad at me, and that it just spoils our trips everytime.

I feel by finally being honest, there is a chance it won't spoil this one! :D As I am feeling in control from all angles (Except smoking :rolleyes:) and that, is a great great feeling. :)

Well, rant over. Thank goodness. It really was quite a purge tonight - and I feel quite drained, so its off to bed for me.

Goodnight, from San Francisco Bay.

xx
 
Things I never told my mother

This has been a rather reflective trip, moms 90th birthday party, my apparently dramatic transformation (from what I have been told - its hard to see yourself as others see you, but am told it is by most here, both friends and family), walking head on into family stuff, the unpleasant kind, and just having to face some things.

I have found new confidence, and a new voice. Its only baby steps at the moment, but I am speaking out when I feel I need to speak out as mentioned in my last post.

Today, I conquered something that has weighed on me for 7 years....something I just never felt brave enough to face, and that was to find out once and for all if my mother feels I have abandoned her by moving to England at the end of her years, and if I really do need to continue carrying the guilt that has manifested itself in me as a horrible heavy burden. Figuratively and literally. I know much of my weight gain since moving to England was caused by guilt. And fear. I worry that my mother will die before we finish our house and I will have missed out on SO much-her last years-whats more precious then that- and I am missing it!!?? It scares the you know what out of me. I worry my brothers resent me for leaving them to deal with matters. I worry some friends may think I am a heartless daughter, running off right at the time mom would probably need looking after, etc.

These things have caused me years of guilt, sadness, and regret. This has affected my life in all directions. Weight. Motivation. Ambition. Self Respect. You name it, it affected me. AND, that has affected my husband as a result which is not really fair to him.

Today, I said I was not going to miss this opportunity, and I was going to actually talk to my mother. Actually, I said it last night but talked myself out of it with fear. (Now, my mom is a gem - a real diamond - and she can talk for America - but we don't talk, its never come as easily for us (me) as it appears it is for her to talk to others and my friends, so the whole "actually talking" to her is not because she is difficult - far from it - but because I feel a certain amount of fear by it. I must look into that. It's MY issue, not hers. I feel very uncomfortable if we start getting to serious, or personal - I always have? Hmmm?

So, anyway, bang! I switched off the TV, and said "I need to talk to you", and as I tried to suck those words back into my head, I knew as I had already spit them out there was no going back!

I told her how this diet has taught me my emotions govern my eating, and that being an emotional person, I shy away from things that are to painful or uncomfortable, etc., and instead of speaking out, I stuff it in, etc., and that I could not do that anymore.

I told her I have felt guilty since the day after our wedding when we drove away, and that it's there constantly....that I never in my life imagined this would have been the last chapters of our lives-us 6000 miles apart!! I told her I love and miss her like crazy, and wish I was the one doing for her what my friend Cyndi and her carer Tim do for her....and aksed her directly if she felt I had abandoned her.

I cried. But i said it out loud. It hurt. But I said it out loud. I did it. I didn't write it.....I said it out loud - face to face. This is HUGE for me.

I have wanted to do this for the past 5 years- ever since I knew we were not going to make it back in the anticipated 3 years. And every trip I said I would, and every trip I couldn't do it - which starts the all familiar cycle we all know to well.

She was touched, truly, and she said she knew we were not staying so long intentionally - that circumstances were what they were, etc. She cuold not believe I was feeling guilty for so long, and told me not to and to enjoy my youth. ( bless her - I'm 48! ) She welled up, we hugged, I cried and told her I just miss her terribly and that was the real root of the problem, and it was, well, a really beautiful moment I think.

And now, I am drained - and still taking it all in - but I feel a subtle twinge and tingle of bravery and it feels good.

There are many things I never told my mother. Maybe one day I will tell her some. But at least now, I have told her the most important one.

It will still be with a heavy heart when we leave here tomorrow, but not as heavy as it might have been, once again.

x
 
BL - I am so proud of you.
As part of the LL counselling I managed to work out some massive problems between myself and my mother without the huge arguments or guilt that I had dreaded would happen should I ever tackle the issues. We now have a lovely relationship and the weight that was lifted off my shoulders is tremedous. I actually cried when I read your post becasue I remember the sheer relief of actually getting all the crap I had been carrying out in the open and realising that it could be fixed.
Like I said - I am so proud of you and your new strength - it will carry you a long way.
Thanks for sharing all this BL - it really touched me.
Take care
Laura
xx
 
Nice to have you back we've missed you
 
Wow BL,
Your last post has brought tears to my eyes.
You are becoming so strong and in control. I am amazed and impressed with your ability to know your mind and to push yourself to confront these issues and problems. I wish you the very best in forgiving yourself for the guilt that you should not have.

Have you heard of Emotional Freedom Therapy (EFT) I have mentioned it before in another thread, but not sure if you had seen about it. It helps to deal with issues such as over-eating, nerves, indulgences, addictions and even physical ailments by combining the effects of accupuncture (no needles - just tapping the pressure points) with positive messages and guilt reduction. Take a look at EFT Provides Impressive Health and Emotional Freedom--New Discovery Often Works Where Nothing Else
 
A HUGE revelation. Mark this date!

I posted this on the hour x hour thread, but simply wanted to put it her for posperity - as I want to remember this date.

This morning, while cleaning the kitchen I had lots of thoughts about me, the diet, my life, the future, etc. And I was listening to my chatterbox. And do you know what it said?

It said, "You are no longer a fat person."

And it stopped me in my tracks. ANd I realised - I have stopped thinking of myself as obese/fat. I just think of me as....well....ME.

It really did stop me.

And another thing I realised last night.....with regards to the abortions, the failed marraige, loss,etc......those things that held me in place for so long......I kept saying that I didn't know how to forgive myself.....that I never felt I knew how to do that, and that I needed to do that in order to move on....

Well it dawned on me. I have forgiven myself. My success on this diet is proof enough to me of that. And the fact that I like myself again, after a very very long dark period of self loathing. Oh the things I used to say to myself.... :( Dreadful. Some days its a wonder I'm still here. Really. I am not sure when it happened - but it has. Of course, those events will always be a big part of me and who I am, and there will be sad days of remembrance, etc., now and again - but they are OK. It's OK to feel them. Just not to live in them - if that makes sense?

SO yes - this is a momentous time in my life. One I will never forget. Ever. These are golden days, these days of struggle's and triumphs.

Never forget them.


At the beginning of this diet, I said, "I can't change the way I feel, but I can change the way I deal."

I was wrong. I feel different. ANd it feels good.

xx
 
Fabulous heart felt post Blonde Logic!

Very Inspiring!

It said, "You are no longer a fat person."

And it stopped me in my tracks. ANd I realised - I have stopped thinking of myself as obese/fat. I just think of me as....well....ME.
Click to expand...

This is a major break through and a turning point in your life for sure!
SO yes - this is a momentous time in my life. One I will never forget. Ever. These are golden days, these days of struggle's and triumphs
Click to expand...
So very happy for you!
At the beginning of this diet, I said, "I can't change the way I feel, but I can change the way I deal."

I was wrong. I feel different. ANd it feels good.
Click to expand...

WOW!!!!:grouphugg:
Love Mini xxx
 
Hey Blonde,

And do you know it shows in your posts. I am so happy for you that you seem to be feeling so content and happy in yourself.

Funny I still do not see myself as a slim person, I need to work on that.
 
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