Blonde Logic's Stream of Consciousness/Diary

Some of the wonders of LL

Good things that have come from this diet:

Restored confidence

Heightened self-esteem

Can sit in an airplane seat and have more seatbelt left then my hubby

Can paint toenails more easily

Clothes fit properly - more snugly showing off curves

I WANT clothes to fit properly!

I smile when I see a mirror

I happily step in front of a camera

I have a voice, and stand up for myself

I have a heart, and allow myself to feel things without fear

There is no more shame - I can openly speak about my issues with food with most anyone

I am proud - proud of my acheivement

I am beginning to really like me

I am beginning to believe that it may be possible that I will once again enjoy sex/intimacy

I feel I have reclaimed my life

I walk in to a room of strangers with my head held high

In a crowd, I feel normal

I take more pride in how I look for work
Have gained a lot of respect and admiration from friends/family

I have made my 90 year old mother very happy, and proud

I have faced things that for years I did not have the courage too

I have felt things that for years I did not have the courage too

I have accepted things that for years I did not have the courage too

I have forgiven myself for things that for years I did not have the courage too

I believe in myself again

I feel a lot of love, for a lot of people

My husband is seeing me feeling good and happy about myself, really, for the first time. And he is so proud of me

I can hug my knees

I have a future

In fact, my future's so bright, I gotta wear shades. :cool::D

Thanks for listening. I just wanted to note some of the wonderful changes that have occured during these past 6 months. One half a year. Just that, and I feel I have come so far. In such a short time.

This really IS that "magic pill" I always hoped for.

It has taken years - literally so many years, and an awful lot of heartache and pain and buckets of tears over my life to get to this point. ANd countless attempts to face and close those chapters...only to hit wall after wall. I have finally.... FINALLY broken through. At last.

Would I change anything it has taken to get here? While so much of it sucked, I really don't think so - because all those things that have happened, have made me who I am today. And I am alllllright. :character00180:

Well, that's me well adn truly waffled on.

"Say goodnight Gracie."

"Goodnight Gracie" :)

x
 
Bravo BL - seize the feelings and not let go.:D
 
WOW BL you sure know how to put your thoughts to words they are so moving you have come such a long way well done because it's not just about the extra weight is it
 
Hi BL

Can I just say how much I admire u sticking to the diet while on holiday in the USA of all places! I am going to Florida for 2 weeks at the beginning of Sept and dont think I'll be ready for RTM until end of Sept so kinda dreading that to be honest xx
 
Wow. Its been a month since I have written here. Shame on me. Perhaps thats why all my thoughts are all over the show in recent weeks!!

As I have said, I have been feeling very anxious around the diet recently. Not so much so that I was going to lapse - but enough it was making me want to rush things along. I have just wanted the diet to be OVER. There are a lot of factors in this.....all the strokes from people making me feel maybe I am closer to goal then I realise, physically speaking. That would get me excited and anticipatory until I snapped out of it and realised I still have a fairly long way to go.

Tonight I have changed my ticker. I have moved my goal forward by 1/2 stone. I have not decided if this is a permanent change, or if it is just to give me a pshycological boost. Either way, I could live with or without 7 pounds. So for now - its wait and see.

When I altered the ticker, I sat and looked at it. Stared at it. ANd it dawned on me - I am now one of the people, who when I first came to minimins and saw nearly 100 pound losses, who I longed to be, and was awed by. I am one of them. I have done it. I have lost nearly 100 pounds. Something that for YEARS terrified me and seemed completely and utterly impossible. I felt such a surge of - of hope, love, satisfaction, pride, amazement - just a few of the emotions.

I realise, as I am now 2/3 of the way through.....farther from the start, but not close neough to the finish.....I realised I have only been looking at how far I have to go. Not how far I have come. I'ts 'clicked' and made sense.

I must stop looking only at the distance to go. I need to look at where I have been. What I have learned. All the changes. So so many positive things have come from this loss - far too many anymore to list. I feel, I have finally gotten my life back. I see me again when I look in the mirror. Face to face. Not face to facade.

Its been an amazing journey, and sharing it with so many wonderful people - in group and here on minimins. And even friends. Being able to be OPEN abuot my weight, the good the bad and the ugly, has been so freeing. Thats the shame that has been shed along with the pounds.

I have come miles. And I have only yards left to go. These last several weeks, are still just a small peice of that blink of an eye that this diet is. In the big picture. I must not forget that.

The end, is more clearly in sight then it has been. But I am not going to stare at it every minute of everyday. I know it's there, and it waits.

I feel new fire burning.
 
I wish you knew how inspirational you are!

Why not give yourself a new fire and challenge? The exercise seems a good a thing as any.

If you worked hard, you could make regular exercise a habit by the time you reach RTM, and then you've got a lot less to worry about.

Maybe make a list of possible activities, and aim to try one a week? When you've got through your list, go back and try the ones you enjoyed, and see if you can up it to 2 a week, and then 3.

I think it might help with your boredom, giving you something else to focus on.
 
there it is! hehe. you have hit the nail on the head- look at what you have done not what you have left.
If anything this diet would have taught you that you can do ANYTHING- and that means the next few weeks are included in that.
You will be fine.
Granted- small losses for the last few weeks is rubbish and is going to make you think about why you are doing this.
but deep down you know its working- and the most impostant thing is you are changing.
you have your life back!! surely thats worth a few more weeks :) xxxxxx
 
you should be proud!

i really enjoyed reading your diary -- what an inspiration!

its interesting to see a continuous theme throughout many of the diaries here on minimins...we all have guilty feelings which are stiffled by the food monster!

you should be really proud of yourself when you realized you had made your mom happy...and as I commented before -- your contentment is finally shining through!
 
I started reading this diary yesterday and love how you have been so open and have shared your personal struggles with the Forum. I must admit that parts of it so far have bought tears to my eyes and other parts have made me go "OMG - That's ME she's talking about"!

You're an inspiration hun! Well done on your journey so far xx
 
Thanks for reading my diary ladies. :) I am glad if it helps in anyway or makes you realise, as said, we are definately not alone in this journey.

I realised today I must write some things in here, as I am finding now that i am approaching the end - the emotional swings are quite something! So...watch this space...hope to get more out in the next week or so if I can manage to organise myself!!

Thank you too for the comment on my photo :), I do feel so different, inside and out.

All good luck to you to on your losses!!

XX
 
Right. Here we are, near the end. Wait - did you hear that? The END?? Yeah - I heard it to. It really is hard to believe.

When you want something, more then anything....for more then half of your life..... When you wish for it on every birthday cake, every dandelion fairy you blow out of your fingertips, every shooting star you see, with every spam email you get that tells you your wish will come true if you annoy ten of your friends in the next 5 minutes.....with every single opportunity to make a wish that arises...you wish for the exact same thing.

When every single night, without fail, the last thing on your mind when you lay your head on your pillow, is exactly the very same thought when you first open your eyes and lift your head from the pillow...."I hate me - I hate my body - I MUST lose weight - I will NEVER lose weight, etc."

When you just about think it will never, ever EVER happen for you - and you are destined to be fat and unhappy, when you begin to believe you were not meant to live and enjoy an active and full life....and you are juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuust about to surrender.....

YOU SEE THE END!!!!!!!!!!! What a magical, incredible thing that is.

Never EVER give up.

These last few weeks I have found very emotional....on a positive note that is. I really had felt so hopeless. For so long. Really believed being thin was never meant for me - and at long long LONG last, after many battles within, I am.

ANd I just cannot believe it. I really can't. It overwhelms me at times. The insurmountable impossible task, has been done. ANd it has been successful. And will continue to be successful. I am no longer afraid of failure - rather I am exhilerated and fueled by success. I have the untmost confidence that I can now acheive anything I want to acheive - IF I am willing to put in the commitment, dedication and hardwork. Without those three things, I shant even try. I now understand how it works. Without them, my attempts would be futile. I get it now.

I believe I am happier in myself then I have ever been in my life. I am prouder of myself then I have ever been in my life. I feel the least shame I have felt in over 30 years. I have shed so much more then just weight in this journey.

In 30 years, I amassed quite a lot of baggage. Physical and mental. I no longer hold the burden of both weights on my shoulders.

I have done this, for me, and for me alone. Not to please anyone other then myself.

I am, dare I say, right on the very fine edge of being very content with myself. There are other areas that will need work, non food/weight related areas, and the CBT and TA we have been practising will be helpful. Its a very very exciting place to be. There are so many opportunities ahead. There will be challenges - and there will be stumbles - but, most importantly, there will be life. Life!! I, am going to live the second half of my life - unlike the first half, with my head held high.

I am going to live life.

That sounds wonderful. There were days....weeks...months.....YEARS!!!....where it only sounded like a very painful and soul-destroying chore. But not now. I have a second chance.

And I will cherish that second chance, and appreciate it every single day. Every time I see my reflection....everytime I run up stairs without becoming breathless....everytime a small child smiles at me (its wonderful not scaring children anymore)....everytime I walk into a room of people - known or strangers - with confidence, just so many different moments now, in every day hold so much more wonder and happiness then every before. I appreciate these things more then ever. It is the finest gift ever, and I will take care of it, forever. Its value is limitless.

I have 1.5 stones left to go to be at the goal I set on day one. I began this diet with the idea I would see if I could get to what I can remember as my lowest adult weight - and that is about 10, 10.5 stone. But it was not cast in stone. Ultimately, I said I would stop when I was happy.

I would like to acheive this goal at some stage. But I am content, where I am now. So now, I consider RTM after I lose 1/2 stone more. If I lose that last stone in RTM - fantastic. If I don't and lose it over several months, fantastic. If I don't lose it, fantastic.

That is where my head is at at the moment. I am happy in myself. I LIKE me. I am satisfied.

Satisfied.

It has been a very long time, since I felt satisfied, without the assistance of my drug: food.

It has a nice ring to it.

I will make up my mind in the coming days, exactly when I will begin RTM. It will be soon. And then, I will embrace my new life, my new skills, and my new peace. I just want to be sure I make the right decision, for the right reason.

<a very happy, hearty, contented sigh>

I'm just so happy.
 
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Good on you . All the best wishes in the world.
:happy096::happy096::happy096::happy096::happy096::happy096::happy096::happy096:
 
Oh BL I can feel how happy you are and it feels wonderful. So glad you have made it to where you wanted to be. You really deserve it you have worked so hard and also been such a great help to everyone.

God bless you and ENJOY.
 
You are amazing BL, I wish you every success in whatever path you take and when!! I want to lose at least another stone and a half before RTM but you can give me lots of tips on how to get on ;) respect to an inspirational lady :D
 
:princess:What a beautiful,beautiful spirtual path you seem to be on,Its like you have had an awakening unless this happens to us others dont understand. live your dream slim ladyyou are the dream come true.
MARIA xxx:superwoman:
 
WOW WOW WOW BL

Oh FAB BL
I am so pleased you are almost at the end of your epic journey - re discovering you.
I feel honoured and privileged to have shared a small part of it with you.
I have felt so many similar emotions and like you, I will never forget the things I have learned on LL.
I am immensely:eatdrink023::eatdrink023::eatdrink023::character00255::eat: proud of you, there have been so many challenges on the way and you have met them head on.
Congratualtions sister, I'll miss yo:sign0168:u.:girlpower::thankyou::princess::superwoman::hug99::wavey:
P.S. Spot the Thanksgiving smileys (in the wrong place!)
 
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