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Brand new determination - 100%!

I started this diet at the beginning of summer and yoyo-ed between 89 kilos to 82. I did it seriously for a month but have to say that I stopped it for two weeks at the end of summer when I cracked completely. I couldn't get my mind off food and the boredom of not having a job at home nearly killed me off.
However the week before I was to move into my new flat for university, my mother said to me "Honestly? I know you found it so hard but since stopping it you seem so down and depressed again. I think you should find a pharmacy by you in London and get started again before you move in. You know you can do it if you try."
So that's exactly what I did and she was right. I'm into my fourth week now and although my flatmates are cooking around me and we'll go to the shops where they'll buy food I haven't eaten a single thing. The first week when I was still at home I was continuing to cook for my family but not bothered at it at all.
The second week was a breeze when I found that I lost 10 pounds from my first weight loss weigh in. I felt so proud of myself and happy and was still not bothered by food at all, walking around the shops and applying in restaurants for jobs; it was like food didn't exist for me at all, for some reason. I couldn't understand at all what had changed or where this new willpower had come from but I kept thinking positively and I could keep going.
The third week was not bad at all, except for slight periods of feeling nauseous and the cold had started to settle in on me. I was happier still with a weight loss of four pounds last week and couldn't believe that it was actually happening!
However this week has been a lot harder for me for some reason. I believe it's because I feel so cold all the time now, and also uni hasn't started yet, I haven't managed to get a job so I don't have anything to do. The first two weeks living in my new place was hilarious, everything was exciting and new, and my flatmates and I had so much fun living here and sorting out all the disasters!
Still, whenever I think of how great it would be to go and eat something hot and delicious I remind myself that I would get thrown off completely and try to imagine what would happen to myself if I were to give up on my diet now. I realise that for me, there's no other serious option and if I can keep doing this until I've lost three and half more stone I will be settled for life. I tell myself that in no time at all I will have the body I've always longed for since a young teenager (having been overweight all my life) and that I will finally feel free. After all in the first week I was wishing it was December already and in just four more days I'll have already nearly finished a month!

I think that honestly this diet is the only thing I can do. I tried weightwatchers, a variety of book diets and as this diet cuts out food completely you don't have to worry about it - well, not too much!

Good luck to everyone else who is struggling to lose weight. It is a real trial and sadness and I wish all of you absolutely the best. Time to refill my water supply :D
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Getting married in July!!
Hi lillah!! That was a lovely post!! U seem to really b in the zone and doing brilliantly!!! Fair play to u! Im sure your seeing results already. Xx
Hey hey thanks for the reply yeah you know I really am!! Right now I've lost about a stone and a half from just finishing my fifth week and now onto my sixth. I can so notice the difference already, my clothes are so much looser and I can fit into older clothes of mine I haven't worn in two years or more; or even longer than that!
At first it was really difficult and of course there can be times now where it gets hard - I was only dreaming of food last night, hahah. But if anyone is reading this who has just started and wishing it was the end already, KEEP IT UP. That's what I kept saying to myself but I just managed to make it and believe me once you get the first month over with, you'll be FLYING. You too, differentusername; but you seem to be doing fantastic as well :D keep thinking positive about yourself and how amazing it is even that we all got up the courage to do this diet, because it so isn't easy. I bought myself some new lovely make up yesterday as a little treat; my bank may hate me for it lol, but I reckon hey you're not eating, in the first few weeks every damn day is a struggle, so please go out there and treat yourself, because you're fantastic for trying.
Lillah x
So today is officially the end of week six, and I'm weighing in at 74.9 kilos which is just over 10 kilos lost from my original weight of 85.6. Yay! I've been plateauing for the past three weeks of a weight loss of three and a half pounds and I lost three at my weigh in today. I will admit as silly as it sounds that I do wish it was more, that I could go back to losing five or four pounds a week but as the lady I see told me today three pounds in a week is still a huge achievement as if I were on a regular diet I would probably only lose that in a month.
I don't have so many dreams about food as I used to. Before, and particularly in my third week when life fell to being a lot less busy, I used to just dream about food awake and asleep. I used to just stare at what my flat mates were eating and couldn't help but smell it and ask what they were cooking and exactly how they were making it...I don't even do that anymore. It comes into my head as a passing thought, and then out again. It's quite unbelievable.
Although today I thought how nice it would be to have something savoury, because all I can handle are all the sweet shakes (can't touch chicken or mushroom) I don't start thinking of where I could go to get it and how I could eat it as this is what I used to do all the time. I used to plan my food hoarding, at what time my favourite junk food places opened and when I could get them and how I could hide away in my room and eat it, away from everybody. As I think that everyone with an eating disorder, be it anorexic or overweight, knows what I mean when I talk about the importance of secrecy with an unhealthy relationship with food. People found it hard to believe when I told them what my BMI was or just how bad my eating habits were because they said they never saw me eating junk food a lot and well, I told them, that was kind of the point.
Only when I start to say I could eat a pint of ice cream in half an hour watching a film, eat Dominos for at least one meal a week - sometimes three days in a row, go days without actually feeling hungry because I kept eating all the time do people start to slowly come around to the idea. I never could have told people about these before as it's too mortifying, but now that I'm working on getting thinner and forever changing those eating habits I don't mind so much. It feels like casting off one part of a sadder, unhealthier and less confident me one week at a time on this diet.
Already myself and those around me notice my less bull **** taking, confident attitude growing and whereas some like and some don't I'm loving it. Hell even just the other day I went into a shop I've always loved, Oasis and tried on all these clothes I knew I wasn't going to buy but just for the hell of it. When I left, the thrill I got from trying on these lovely dresses and although some looked better than others the fact that it didn't bother me they didn't look great didn't crush my self esteem as it would have before left me in a weird sort of exuberant state. Also the realisation that I hadn't done that for years out of pure fear that nothing would be able to fit me gave me such a kick-ass feeling. Sounds cheesy, but it's true. It's real freedom to be able to go into a shop, try on anything you like the look of just for the fun of it and not to be deterred when it doesn't look great because I know I'm only now learning what suits me and what doesn't after years of choosing baggy clothes and dark colours as nothing else would look decent.
When I would go out with friends I grew this sort of blind confidence of not caring what I looked like because I already knew that I looked crap and that nothing could be done about it. Now I'm finally believing that I can look pretty and sexy even and that I'm worth so much more than I thought of myself before.


Fighting for My Health
Loved just reading through your diary :) You are doing so, so well :) Sounds like you are really dealing with your issues around food - something I still need to do, and I can so relate to so much of what you write. Wishing you lots of luck with your continued journey. I think you're going to get there :) Well done! xx

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