Breaking up - Marriage

[big bear]

Hi guys

I don't know where to start with this need some advice.

We've only been married 2 years & have 2 little ones but I can't live with him any more & don't know if I love him. He works nights for RM & I think this is another factor in our relationship, when he was a postie at least he was around.

Basically he comes home in the morning & starts to drink & drinks about 5 cans of lager, then eats, then goes to bed...then he's up for work & then the cycle starts again...

I've asked him to stop drinking as its making him sleep all day & he rarely spends time with the kids. If he does he can only 'deal' with them for an hour...then starts moaning at me to help him.

I'm at the end of my tether & think that I'd be better off on my own.

We've got a mortgage together, a loan & the other obv bills. We are in arrears with some of the utility bills. I only work 3 days a week so I'm unable to afford rent on another place. I've got absolutely no family here but he has. I've asked him to move back to his Mums but he's being nasty & refuses & says I should just move back to my home which I don't want to.

I think that maybe if we had a trial separation & he goes back to his Mums he may have a reality check & try & change things & possibly we could work it out.

At the moment he's driving me nuts, always wanting sex without any affection love or wooing...we've not been out together since January (apart from cinema a few weeks ago)

So where do I go? As we've a mortgage I don't believe the council will help me with housing...

Do I go to CAB or does any one know the best place to get advice from?

I can't go on like this as its making me ill...

 

[fillymum]

Karen, I am so worried about you reading that very sad posting.

I really do not want to give you the wrong advice but I think that you need a break and perhaps with your own family around you. I do not know how possible that is.

If you need to contact me you have my email address or PM me.

Try to stay strong for the little ones.

You have to consider every angle, but remember there would be nothing worse than staying in a relationship that is unpleasant and loveless. You also have to consider if this is just a temporary hitch. You must have loved him a lot a one time.

I feel you need real help, not just the opinions of us, your friends , on here.

hugs Karen xxxxxx

 

[Beegee]

Sorry to hear that you're feeling this way BB. I agree that it sounds utter rubbish and you would benefit from some time apart.

CAB is a good place to start for some basic advice and they should be able to point you in the direction of a solicitor as you will probably need some decent legal advice. Also, try this link which might help with some financial info: www.entitledto.co.uk . If not, google something like 'benefits checker' and loads of suggestions come up which may be of use.

Is it worth considering Relate or some sort of counselling or have you gone past that?

Good luck, I hope you find a solution and happiness soon x

 

[big bear]

Thank you for your replies.

I think I need some time out at the moment...I just sick of all the arguments, the lack of help around the house with the kids & basically the love & affection. We're leading separate lives at the moment.

Beegee, I'll speak to him about counselling but he probably won't go. I've tried date nights & talking but it ends with an argument maybe a mediator would help.

I'm not going to do anything hasty but thinking a bit of space is what I need right now.

 

[kerry b]

You sound as though you are under a great deal of pressure at the moment. Are you abl to take some time off work and get away for a week or so, maybe to your parents if thats a good place for you.

I was in a very similar situation this time last year and went to speak to citizens advice who were very helpful. I dont know if the same rules apply in England but they put my mind at rest about financial help if I decided to leave. You should really get some proper advice if you can. My husband and I are still together giving it another try but other than the fact he helps out with our son a bit more nothing much has changed and i'm going to have to make some decisions fairly soon as our son is starting to pick up on the atmosphere between us.

Big big hugs, I know this is an awful time for you just now but you have the right idea in not rushing into anything. How would he react if you said you were taking the kids and going to your parents (or somewhere else)? I really hope you get some time to think things through xx

 

[*Emsie*]

Can you try breaking down all the stuff that is bothering you and then looking at the things in stages of which you can change so its not just one huge pile of stress/pressure upon you?
I think you are right not to do anything hasty but hope you can manage to get a bit of a break/space somehoow to recharge your batteries!
I think I remember you posting a while back about lack of help etc (apologies if this wasn't you) If you do have anyone who could help by having the kiddies so you can have some you time or some time with hubby then maybe that would be worth a try? Good Luck x

 

[Shirleen]

Hi, you really are going through it aren't you? You poor thing, I'm so sorry.
I haven't got any advice to give, but wish you well and hope that life gets alot less painful for you soon.

Remember marriage counselling doesn't have to have both partners present.

 

[888sally888]

You need to make the right decision for you and your children. It must upset them to witness the arguments and bad atmosphere. In the long run, they would be more settled with 2 happy parents apart than 2 rowing and living together.

Its a hard decision and I agree that you really need some counselling. I split from my ex when my kids were 8 and 10 and yes, its hard but you have to consider whether this is what you want for the rest of your life. You deserve to be happy and you sound like you have been more than fair and tolerant.

I wish you lots of luck x

 

[Happy Holidays]

Can you try breaking down all the stuff that is bothering you and then looking at the things in stages of which you can change so its not just one huge pile of stress/pressure upon you?
I think you are right not to do anything hasty but hope you can manage to get a bit of a break/space somehoow to recharge your batteries!

I think this is a brilliant idea.

I also think when one thing is bothering you it's so easy for other things to get on your nerves.

My OH works shifts & so I know how difficult it can be when you don't see each other.

I also think you really need to speak to a 'real' person about how you are feeling & discuss how you can try & sort things out. Do you have a bessie mate you can confide in?

 

[Mrs.S.]

I dont really have anything to add BB.

Just wanted to offer *hugs* and say that were all here if you need a rant etc.

I hope you're still making a bit of time for yourself in the middle of all this xxx

 

[Happy Holidays]

I forgot to add; married life is hard & it's something both of you need to always work at, and the reason I know this is I too have been through a difficult patch years ago. It's also important to remember you are not alone, there are many other people going through exactly the same as you, I know right now you think everyone else is happy in their relationship but you'd be wrong.

 

[fillymum]

Morning Karen. !!

Just want to give you a

Do try to get some time with your family. There is nothing like mum when you are feeling so bad.

I know that is difficult for you, what with 2 babes and an airplane involved in the journey, but you will get no comfort from MIL as you know, and you need some real love and affection at present.

lots of love

 

[Leapfrog]

BB, nothing to add that hasn't been said. Just sending hugs xx

 

[MadameLaMinx]

BB, I'm going to be a bit brutal here, so I am sorry, but there have been times over the last year when I have read your posts that I have almost half-hoped for a post like this from you. It has been painfully obvious that your marriage and the lack of partnership within it have been causing you a great deal of pain, but as a casual bystander, it is not my place to tell you when to get the hell out, it is for you and only you to decide.

There are so many issues that you need help with here. You do not need to go to Relate with your partner, they will see you alone, and I would be getting in touch with them in the first instance and also in the meantime asking your doctor for a referral to a counsellor. There may be a long waiting list for either of these services, but at least if you have two options open to you, one or the other of them will become available sooner and you can cancel the other one if you find the first one of benefit.

He is working nights, and then coming home and doing what many people, not just men do after a work shift, having a few drinks and going to bed. However, you too are working now, and are effectively living the life of a single parent, which would be no different should you be on your own, so you know that you CAN do this. It may well be that a separation will give him a wake-up call, but equally, it may well be that it will just give him more time and space to continue doing what he is doing without all the hassle of the family getting in his way so you need to be prepared for this possibility.

What I think is crucial at this point is for you to be able to get some space to be able to stand back, view your situation objectively, and make your decisions based on what is best for the kids, and for you. This is where the counselling will help. You need to be in control of your situation and at the moment, you are not, because his behaviour is what is controlling it. You cant MAKE him spend time with the kids, or make the effort to get up earlier and help you out with some of the household stuff.

He is clearly unable to see things from your perspective at the moment, because it doesnt fit with his, so dont worry about that, and just begin to make little changes within your own life and the way you do things that start to make you feel good about yourself and the way you are handling things.

You will be able to work out what those things are by talking it through with the counsellor and possibly a friend, but bear in mind friends/family can be biased about things because of the way they view the relationship so may try to influence you one way or the other towards what they think you should be doing. But you do need an outlet for how you are feeling because you are keeping all this inside you and eventually if you dont let it out, it will rupture when you least want it to and create a right old mess.

(((Hugs)))

 

[*EB*]

Hi BB

Sorry to hear your post and the hard times you are currently in.

I agree with MLM that this situation has been going on for a while (as I recall you did post about him not helping out with the little ones) and therefore I think it is time to take action.

Have you ever seperated before? It may be that he thinks you are nagging/full of hot air/wont go through with it - so his behaviour is very 'im in charge, you wont do anything, so i dont need to change' from my viewpoint.

It may be a case of when you actually DO something that he either a) realises the error of his ways and makes some changes or b) doesnt change and stays the way he is. I think you need to be able to know that if the outcome is B you are prepared to be alone and cope.

Sending you lots of love, and hugs - xxx

 

[big bear]

Thanks everyone for all your replies messages.

I tried to speak to him again today & we've decided that he will move out to his Mums. He's blaming me for lots of things & maybe he's right. There is no way around it as it keeps going round in circles & he keeps bringing things up from the past with no solutions...

Its sad as our little one starts pre school tomorrow, but I think that the space may be the only thing to sort us out. If it doesn't well I'll have to build my life up again with the kids...

 

[Beegee]

Good luck BB, I hope the space is good for you both. At this point in time it sounds as though you will be happier on your own and without expecting anything from him. I hope so x

 

[fillymum]

I am really sorry BB. The breakdown of any relationship is sad but I feel doubly sad for you as you have tried so hard.

Perhaps the break will be a good thing, perhaps you will both see more clearly what you want and need in a relationship.

If not, you will be o.k. though I do worry about you being so alone as far as family is concerned.

my love to you and the babes, I am here if you need me,

hugs xxxx

 

[MadameLaMinx]

I dont know what the things he is blaming you for are, but I would take them with a pinch of salt, to be honest. Of course there are bound to be things you could have done differently, but theres a whole LIST of things he could have done differently that outweigh yours by a long mile. Apart from anything else, you are DEPRESSED. And I would bet my left shoe that in part, his behaviour towards you is a major contributing factor. He needs to look a little closer to home if he wants to start throwing blame about. If he genuinely believes he has nothing to do with the breakdown of this relationship, he's delusional, and you need to remember that before you add a big old pile of unnecessary guilt to the burden you are already carrying. Remember that the way he is behaving is not about how he feels about you, its about the way he is dealing with the relationship breaking down, and it obviously makes him feel better about himself to throw the blame onto your shoulders - whether or not that has any basis in truth.

I know its hard, particularly when you are depressed, but stay strong and start to think about where you want YOUR life to go. You arent just a mum, you are a person in your own right, and you have a right to do the things that make you satisfied with yourself (I am reluctant to use the word "happy" because no-one human can be happy 100% of the time but you CAN be at peace with yourself and your decisions when you make them knowing that you make them because they feel right for you.)

I think we all strive for an unreasonable expectation of total 100% happiness all the time and that is so counter-productive because unbridled pure happiness is unsustainable over the longer term and if we were ecstatic all the time then it would be normal and therefore less enjoyable when we were. However, your situation is not making you satisfied, its making you miserable, and although it will be painful, his moving out will give you the time and space to work out how you can come back from this and become satisfied with your life and at peace with your situation.

Hugs again xxx

 

[Maximus]

Same as Minxy really.

Has he admitted to any of his own shortcomings? - has he apologised for anything HE could have done better? - does he actually blame himself for any part of it?

Two to Tango is an oft used and well-worn phrase, but it does tend to ring true.

Look after the bairns first and foremost. Their welfare is paramount as they never failed nobody

Hope you find peace and calm.

Steve