Can I scream? Need to vent!

[Poppysparkle]

God, this issue has always driven me to food and I can't go there obviously, so need to find a new way of dealing with it!

My husband is VERY high maintenance at times and takes a lot of my energy to deal with him. He's a typical man and one of the lads when it comes to the way he speaks to me and the kids sometimes. He swears more than I would like, especially when he's mad - I say that he's very selfish and a red mist comes down and he only thinks of himself in that moment when he's angry. He then shouts and storms off. He's very child like when it comes to his communication skills I think.

He's been pretty snappy and irritable all weekend really and I've had to speak to him a few times to ask him to stop. The way that he speaks to me is always pretty annoying and it's like a brother and sister, teasing really and being a bit rude, which he thinks is fine but it just gets on my nerves. I think he does it to hide his feelings generally.

Anyway, he works long hours, mostly from home and will work all day and then spend all night on his laptop sorting emails, etc. We are both guilty of working too much, but I went on a training course recently talking about work/life balance and stuff, and I said that I didn't want to work long hours anymore, and that I wanted to start doing stuff in the evenings. I've asked him if he's working to do it in his home office and only come into the house when he's ready to chill - I hope this will make him spend less time on his work when he should be finished for the evening, instead of working 7am until 11pm at night!

Now, I know he's got a busy job, and is under pressure, but he's just walked in the room with his laptop. I know I'm on mine but I'm on here so that's all good!! All I said was "you're not working today are you?" in a lovely pleasant way and he totally snapped my head off and started shouting at me. I've just told him that I'm fed up with him being so irritable all the time and he's stormed off again, slamming doors behind him. Absolutely ridiculous. He says I shouldn't ask him, I said I can ask what I want and I'd done it in a perfectly pleasant and friendly way.

I'm so fed up with him and I've lived with this for about 14 years. It's always driven me to food, and I can feel that way this morning if I dwell on it.

He won't apologise to me and will blame me - he tells me I'm a nightmare to live with! It's like he's got PMT, and some times are worse than others, but I often get to the point at these times to say enough's enough, I'm out of here!

He can also be lovely and such a good dad, but unfortunately these times don't take up the majority of his life!

Thanks for reading - I know that I need to work this through, I just don't want anything to ruin the good work I've done!

 

[daisydoll]

oh poppy
your man sounds a bit like mine ( not the workaholic bit tho)
i too would 'solve' this by eating

we bicker about the most ridiculous things - like two falling out siblings - but then it gets nasty with bad language from him which winds me up. and i can't ask him anything without it turning into me 'having a go' at him - its exhausting at times.

i don't have any advice - if you find a solution please let me know! i hope you work through it

daisy x

 

[Happe]

I could have written this myself just exchanging work for pub. Its taken me a long while to do it but ive just left after 22years. Not saying thats right just dont let yourself get dragged into not being happy. I comfort ate and got myself to at one point over 23 stone.
I know its so difficult when they get angry and shout you down but somhow you need to make it very clear that you are finding his behaviour unacceptable and its damaging your feelings for him. Good luck to you I think youd be surprised how many of us about who feel like you do now. Rant away on here if it helps. Certainly got me through some crappy times. x

 

[Poppysparkle]

Wow, sounds like we are married to the same man Daisy!! I've been at this for years now, and yet to find a solution. My answer was always to collapse in front of the tv with food and wine before to try to destress, but I'm not having it anymore, because I'm not dealing with it in that way. I just have to let him get out of his mood, but it's totally exhausting!!

LS - we went to Relate about 10 years ago, and while most people go for about six sessions, we attended for 18 months!! LOL! If we hadn't gone we'd definitely have split by now.

It does get very draining and at one point I'd be really upset. These days I just think that I want out - I feel quite relieved when I think this. I tell him, we have a massive row, I explain the way I feel, things get slightly better and the circle starts all over again!

I think a lot of it is to do with the fact that his self esteem isn't the best, I probably don't help this, or haven't in the past by shrugging him off when he tries to get affectionate, and he also gets very defensive and automatically thinks I'm blaming him for something whenever I make a comment.

All I know is that I'm tired of it - he's just been in the room to ask me to write down a shopping list for him - his way of apologising really!

Anyway, after listening to the LL RTM CD in the car a few times, he can't affect my mood - he can't make me miserable - it's his issue and his problem, so I'll let him get on with it while I go about what I was going to do today regardless!

Blooming men!

 

[Poppysparkle]

I could have written this myself just exchanging work for pub. Its taken me a long while to do it but ive just left after 22years. Not saying thats right just dont let yourself get dragged into not being happy. I comfort ate and got myself to at one point over 23 stone.
I know its so difficult when they get angry and shout you down but somhow you need to make it very clear that you are finding his behaviour unacceptable and its damaging your feelings for him. Good luck to you I think youd be surprised how many of us about who feel like you do now. Rant away on here if it helps. Certainly got me through some crappy times. x

Happe, I was cross posting and only just read this, but that resonated with me. I'm going to wait until it's calmer later - let him get out of his strop and tell him that I do find the way he acts unacceptable and that it certainly does affect the way I feel about him.

Why would I want to get affectionate in that way anyway with a brother, because that's how we communicate now - it's like teasing and hair pulling - things then get nasty and the downward spiral of being mean to each other starts, with all the associated bad feelings. I told him the other day that I've asked him to speak to me nicely and that I understand that it will be hard to break the habit, but I don't want the rudeness anymore and want to communicate in a more adult way. It helped slightly. But he's continued to be irritable most of the weekend and been very snappy.

He'll be all kind and affectionate again next week, and expect me to react to him that way too, when I'll still remember the snappy, irritable man he was this weekend.

I hate having my weekends made stressful when I have to deal with this all week in work - home should be a safe place to chill!

 

[thin_inside]

:hug99:Lots of hugs to you Poppy.

My OH and I also communicate through bickering and teasing, but I think we are getting better at more adult conversations. I think self-esteem has a lot to do with it, on both sides. We are both feeling better than we have for a few years and I think this is reflected in our relationship.

I wish you all the very best in coping with the stress without food and in determining what you want in the future. xx

 

[Poppysparkle]

Thanks TI - I hope things improve for us too - maybe I should send him the link to this thread!! ;-) It explains everything better than I can during a conversation!

 

[daisydoll]

He'll be all kind and affectionate again next week, and expect me to react to him that way too, when I'll still remember the snappy, irritable man he was this weekend.

[/quote]

poppy
thats just like us - i can't get my head round it sometimes - i wish i could just 'forget' the way he does!

 

[asilasil]

Sorry to hear that you are going through some turbulance there PS. Seems that april is not being kind to many people :-(
I cant offer you any advice or words of wisdom hun as I am a happily single lady. I had a terrible relationship with my sons dad and after 10 years of rubbish I said enough. Now 9 years on I have the best life I could wish for and my son is a brilliant well adjusted 16 year old. I get along better now with my ex than I ever did and I even really like his new girlfriend. I had another relationship that lasted for 3 years but its no good trying to love someone when you dont like yourself much eh. I have spent the last4 ish years learning to really like myself and now the weightloss will get me to where I want to be in order to move on in my life.
Relationships are really not my strong points right now but they will be one day Im sure. Good luck hun and remain the strong woman that you are.
xx

 

[Foxtrot]

I'm sorry my lovely but I had the same and said ta ta after 20 years! I was 37 and my kids were old enough to not rely on me. As I'd spent up until then leading my life for him it suddenly hit me that I had my own life to lead and I've done just that.

As Happe said, not necessarily the way for you to go!!!!!

Edit: Sorry, that sounds so cold and clinical and of not much use really!!!! I guess I had had enough of always being the giver. You can be a taker too and if he can't see that or do anything to help, well, you sometimes have to have a real good think about things!! You only get the one shot at this life thing.

 

[Ameythist]

I have to ask the question? Could you show your fella this page? If not there in lays the problems, I am playing devils avocate here and I am thinking its a massive website with millions of people reading, watching & writing and we spill our hearts out and show our faces and think what the heck who is too see and who is too know.............. but the bottom line is if you have problems in your relationship it needs to be discussed with your man not on a web site, now if you think no matter you have your right to vent, where is his right to read and give his side....... I am all for freedom and free speech but I remember when my hubby read over my shoulder once and he commented "jeez do you think their partner/hubby/wife/spouse sees that???....Talking begins at home.............Speech over

 

[slendablenda]

Hi Poppy

I think a lot of us on here have similar issues because they have led us into the relying on food for comfort syndrome.
It's hard to show affection for someone else when you don't like yourself very much and if you don't like yourself very much it doesn't invite anyone else to feel affectionate towards you. If you feel angry with yourself for over eating and being obese it seems to give the other person permission to feel angry with you too.
Whatever has clicked with us to make us decide to take stock and do something about our lives is marvellous, butit's not necessarily the same timing for our OHs.
However, having said that I am now much more comfortable in my skin and relaxed and laid back about life in general. Like youI changed my job and feel better about that too. I have more energy, sleep less, want to do more, like myself better.
I think because I am happier i am easier to live with. We are doing more together and starting to goout more again.
THis all seems to be directly related to my losing weight. My OH never used to comment about my size when I was a size 30, but then I was just a money, cooking, housework machine. Now I am sorting out my work life balance we are starting to enjoy each other's company again and he is full of awe at my weight loss. I hope the same happens for you. xxxx:copon:

 

[Poppysparkle]

I have to ask the question? Could you show your fella this page? If not there in lays the problems, I am playing devils avocate here and I am thinking its a massive website with millions of people reading, watching & writing and we spill our hearts out and show our faces and think what the heck who is too see and who is too know.............. but the bottom line is if you have problems in your relationship it needs to be discussed with your man not on a web site, now if you think no matter you have your right to vent, where is his right to read and give his side....... I am all for freedom and free speech but I remember when my hubby read over my shoulder once and he commented "jeez do you think their partner/hubby/wife/spouse sees that???....Talking begins at home.............Speech over

Yes, I could and would show him this page. I might even do that, when he's in a better frame of mind to read and understand without flying off the handle!

I'm a pretty open person and have nothing to hide. Nothing I've said here I've not said to his face either (until I'm blue in the face).

So, yes, horses for courses I suppose.

 

[Poppysparkle]

Thanks SB - I agree with a lot of what you have said there. I've definitely got more energy and like to do much more. I can't just sit around anymore, and have got up by 9am each morning over the weekend. Sometimes I'd stay in bed until 11.00am gone when I was bigger and would wake up feeling so unrefreshed still.

Foot is feeling a bit better, so I want to start exercising. I'm hoping for a gradual improvement. I might suggest getting the bikes out or badminton or something - if we get out of the house then laptops will be left alone!

I'm very lucky in lots of ways and DH is very good at contributing to chores, etc round the house. So I am much luckier than some! Now if his temper was better and he could be kinder and calmer a lot more, then it would be all good! ;-)