Can't get back on track

Discussion in 'LL Diaries' started by sorcha, 11 September 2010 Social URL.

  1. sorcha

    sorcha Likes to change diets...

    Posts:
    321
    Likes Received:
    3
    Start Weight:
    14st6lb
    Current Weight:
    13st13lb
    Goal Weight:
    10st7lb
    Lost(%):
    0st7lb(3.47%)
    Diet:
    Started with LL, then Exante, then Atkins now Exante...again!
    Hopefully writing this down will help me get back on track. If you wanna read, please do...but it wont make sense. I needed to get it in writing

    Due to financial commitments and OH moaning about LL ( money, waste of time,blah, blah), I sent my LL counseller an email saying I couldn't afford to do LL anymore. This was week 9 of total.
    I felt so upset as I was so determined to lose weight this time and keep it off. I even cried about not having my food packs.
    Anyway, I decided to follow Atkins for the rest of my weighloss journey and started eating food the next day. I hadn't been totally abstinent on LL...the odd pick of ham/cheese, so eating food was not that big a deal...or so I thought. That week was awful...I joined the Atkins forum on here as i thought I was going to put all the weight on again and felt so frightened. I just couldn't do it....I wanted to finish my journey with LL, so I emailed my counseller and asked if I could come back and returned the following week.
    This caused alot of arguments between me and my OH. He hates the fact it costs £70 a week and as I don't have a regular wage at the moment ( I work on a self-employed basis for a local farmer and work is sporadic) he sees it as wasting money, ie it could go towards paying bills. I agree with him in a way, but this is the first time I have done anything for me. (We have 5 children together between the ages of 22 and 14, and its my time now. We had our family young and I have been with him since I was 14. Things have been extremely hard sometimes but like most couples you get through it.)
    He doesn't like the fact I'm looking better and I am also becoming stronger. We are spending less and less time together now which I don't mind at all to be honest.

    The thing is since I had my week off LL, I can't stop picking at food and gorging. Its driving me mad as I'm really pleased to be back on LL. What going on?? I can't figure out the thought records, I have tried writing down my feelings but stop when I feel something coming to the surface. I think its because i actually hate my OH sometimes and then the next minute feel guilty for hating him and try and go over the reasons we are still together...mainly habit I guess.
    I want to lose another 2 1/2 stone to be at my target. The quickest way for me to do this is developers ( on week 13 atm ). But what about the money and arguments. Why am I frightened of telling him I'm going to continue with LL? Why do I lie to him and tell him what he wants to hear? ie.. i've only got 2 weeks left and then I will be finished. His answer to that is good. Why can't he understand how much this means to me?
    Oh ffs I'm so bloody mixed up...and I can't stop picking at food. I am eating when I feel bad about lieing to him.

    What has LL done to me?? I was a fat, sad, loser who used to drink everynight and gorge on food...and now all these feelings are coming up and i don't like it.
     
  2. Avatar

    MiniMins.com Matched Content

  3. slendablenda

    slendablenda Gold Member

    Posts:
    3,881
    Likes Received:
    150
    Diet:
    lighterlife
    Hello Sorcha,
    I'm sorry to hear you sounding so distressed. There are so many points you raise:
    My guess is that as you have been with your OH for so many years and have had all that responsibility for the children that you have put yourself at the bottom of the pile.
    I think it's probably a shock to both of you that you have decided to take control of your life and do something for you for a change.
    It's not selfish - it's self responsible.
    You said you previously felt like a fat sad loser gorging on drink and food every night - I know that's not a good feeling, I've been there too. (and it costs a lot of money if you can dare to add it up!). Now you can see there is an alternative. You have the chance to change your life and it's scary.
    I think your OH is worried seeing you become more confident and
    happier with yourself.
    Have you been able to sit down with him and talk openly about how you feel and ask him to support you with this?
    Have you got a good LLC/Group?
    The money is a big issue I know, but my guess is your OH probably has no idea how much you spent previously.
    I was in my mid fifities when I started LL. It's never too late to take control of your life.
    You owe it to yourself and he owes you his support.
    My guess is you are feeling scared because you are seeing that there might be an alternative future for you.
    You ask - "what has LL done to me?" Is that fair?
    Ask yourself - why did you decide to do LL in the first place?Did you discuss it with your OH?or did you just expect him to understand. You say you don't like lying to him - then talk to him. Tell him how you feel.
    So many of us find that losing weight with LL is just a beginning to sorting out or lives.
    Good luck. xxx
     
  4. sorcha

    sorcha Likes to change diets...

    Posts:
    321
    Likes Received:
    3
    Start Weight:
    14st6lb
    Current Weight:
    13st13lb
    Goal Weight:
    10st7lb
    Lost(%):
    0st7lb(3.47%)
    Diet:
    Started with LL, then Exante, then Atkins now Exante...again!
    Slendablenda....thanks for your reply, I was feeling pretty bad about myself on Sat, but wish I hadn't written anything now!
    I have had a good chat with my hubby over the weekend and although not fully supportive, he has said to me if its what I want to do, then do it ( developers).

    I have been too hard on him...I've tried lots of diets over the years and asked him to help me stop eating but after a week/few days I would give up and stuff my face. He would then ask why was I eating and I would reply " because I want to". ( rebellious child, I suppose )...so I can understand in a way why he has not been as supportive as I expected.

    As for saying " what has LL done to me"...well that was not a derogatory comment about LL... I was referring to the fact that alot of buried emotions/feelings have risen to the surface.
    My counseller is fab...I'm really lucky. I will have a chat with her this week.

    Bugger, feel bad now for putting my thoughts in writing but your reply has made me think...thank you again:eek:
     
  5. Hazelboo

    Hazelboo Member

    Posts:
    13
    Likes Received:
    0
    Start Weight:
    17st13lb
    Current Weight:
    17st6lb
    Goal Weight:
    12st0lb
    Lost(%):
    0st7lb(2.79%)
    Diet:
    Lighter Life
    Hey Sorcha, I read your post and there was a lil bit of me in there but for different reasons, you come across as a strong person and I know you can do this xx
     
  6. slendablenda

    slendablenda Gold Member

    Posts:
    3,881
    Likes Received:
    150
    Diet:
    lighterlife
    Hi Sorcha,
    Don't feel bad a bout putting your thoughts down- that's what this forum is for and that's why we are all here, to support each other.
    I remember when I was starting RTM after being on abstinence for a year, after a few days my OH said a few times, " wow, what a lot of salad leaves, are you sure you should be having that much?"
    I was fuming and ended up having a blazing row - I was terrified I would get fat again as soon as I started eating.
    After I calmed down he told me it was hard for him to adjust to seeing me eating again after all that time. He knew how hard I'd stuck at losing all that weight and what it had meant to me and he didn't want me to muck it up.
    It was a light bulb moment for me, one of many. I was so wrapped up in me and my emotions I had completely ignored the fact it was having an impact on him as well as me.
    That's what made me more determined to discuss his feelings as well as mine.
    Got to tell you he is still as proud of me now as he was then. When we met I was a size 22. He knew I had been slim 25 years ago, but he'd never known me a as slim person until LL. He says it's like having a legal affair !!
     
  7. melarnz

    melarnz Silver Member

    Posts:
    1,208
    Likes Received:
    23
    Start Weight:
    17st12lb
    Current Weight:
    17st12lb
    Goal Weight:
    9st13lb
    Lost(%):
    0st0lb(0%)
    Diet:
    cambridge
    thank you for putting your thoughts down!! it helps us all realise we are not alone.

    i think if you can, then stick with LL. it is definately the best of all the VLCD's. however, if money is still a big problem, then maybe you could try exante. its £100 per month and u have 3 packs a day. you buy them online in a bumper pack and you cant chose which ones you want, they send u a mixture. the packs arent as nice, but they are much cheaper. just thought id offer an alternative.

    good luck xx
     
  8. sorcha

    sorcha Likes to change diets...

    Posts:
    321
    Likes Received:
    3
    Start Weight:
    14st6lb
    Current Weight:
    13st13lb
    Goal Weight:
    10st7lb
    Lost(%):
    0st7lb(3.47%)
    Diet:
    Started with LL, then Exante, then Atkins now Exante...again!
    Hi melarnz:)

    Ummmm, I have looked through all the other vlcd TFR diets and the thing that would worry me is the taste...yes I have put that above money for the time being!
    I love my LL packs ( esp van and choc ). :D

    I tried cd many, many years ago and could not bear the taste of the packs. What are exante packs like??

    I'm having trouble deciding whether to do RTM or not...change my mind daily!

    I have bought RTM book and recipe book off ebay this week, so may do RTM with different vlcd but on my own.

    I'm hoping to lose 7+lbs by the end of the month and then I will have 28lbs to go till I get to my target, so hopefully...everything crossed....I should be at goal beg of December.

    Thanks again:)
     
  9. slendablenda

    slendablenda Gold Member

    Posts:
    3,881
    Likes Received:
    150
    Diet:
    lighterlife
    Hi Sorcha,
    If you look through this forum ,especially at the Returners I think you'll see that almost everyone recommends you do RTM if you possibly can. It's a crucial part of the programme and so many people who decide not to do RTM really struggle when they start eating again.
    My LLC says what's the point of doing something that's so successful and then turning your back on it at the hardest time.
    Abstinence is easy it's the controlled eating that's much harder.
    IMO we need all the help we can get then.
    Good luck whatever you decide. xx
     
  10. yoyo-ohno

    yoyo-ohno Full Member

    Posts:
    332
    Likes Received:
    10
    Start Weight:
    13st2lb
    Current Weight:
    11st12lb
    Goal Weight:
    8st12lb
    Lost(%):
    1st4lb(9.78%)
    Diet:
    CD SS
    Hi Sorcha,
    Well done on our weight loss so far - hope i have done so well when I get towards the end of the 14 weeks:)
    It sounds like this programme has stirred up loads of emotions for you ... I hope you can work through everything & get to the goal you have set for yourself.
    As SB says, I think RTM is the key. I've done LL total twice before & thought I could go it alone after the 14 weeks only to slip back into old habits & regain all the weight :eek: This is my last chance to crack this, not for financial reasons but purely for my own sanity:rolleyes:
    I always feel a bit sorry for myself (I've been on my own for a long time with my daughter) but at least I've not got a hubby/bf to have to worry about too as I go through this journey - lol
    Take care
    yoyo
    xx
     
  11. sorcha

    sorcha Likes to change diets...

    Posts:
    321
    Likes Received:
    3
    Start Weight:
    14st6lb
    Current Weight:
    13st13lb
    Goal Weight:
    10st7lb
    Lost(%):
    0st7lb(3.47%)
    Diet:
    Started with LL, then Exante, then Atkins now Exante...again!
    Hi yoyo-ohno ( love your name by the way!:)).

    Thanks for your reply. Yes LL has stirred up quite a few emotions and feelings...maybe I had become numb to my feelings/thoughts/emotions?? I dont know!

    Have had a difficult weekend ...again!
    Was in Friday night with my youngest daughter ( 14). She had been let down by a friend and felt a bit miserable. Now this is the bad thing. It gets to around 9pm and we are watching tv and I so wanted food from the golden arches...I dont usually like that kind of food but I had to have it. I sat with my daughter ( bless her) and she was saying " Mum you have done so well and you know you will just moan in the morning about eating, so dont do it"...but I was focused on that only...I had a glass of water and a black coffee but no I was determined to have one....so off I went on my 20 min drive to get a bloody burger. So in those 20 mins I was on auto pilot...one voice was saying 'don't do it' and the other was saying ' one wont hurt'...so I get to the drive through and order my 99p cheese burger...damage limitation I call it as I was going to have a large meal.... and sat in the car park and eat it within 10 seconds. I felt good eating it but afterwards felt so bad for letting me down and my daughter. So to cap it off, I went to the Sainsburys garage on my way home and bought a bottle of crabbies alcoholic ginger beer and a bottle of gin.( it was £11 and as I was making sloe gin this week, thought I would get it there and then...with the full intention of drinking at least 2 glasses when I got home ).
    What a complete cluts....so my 99p cheeseburger probably cost me around a fiver in diesel and to top it off I drank alcohol. I felt so full and bloated drinking the crabbies but still I had a large glass of gin and....wait for it...St clements...trying to justify the gin I think. I sat there with my daughter...she is totally disgusted with me, I'm totally disgusted with myself for being a selfish idiot towards her she then, after a few choice words, goes to bed and I have another very large glass of gin and while drinking it say to myself ' get back on track tommorow'.
    Next morning...boy do I suffer...serves me right . My daughter is up before me ...very unusal as I'm an early bird and she is typical of her age...and the first words she says to me..." Hope it was worth it?". I just gave her a hug...well attempted to...she was off with me most of the day.
    Didn't tell my hubby what I had done as he was out but now I have lied to him and to make matters worse, my daughter has to keep this little episode secret also.

    FFS...its only when I write things down that I realise what a selfish ***** I am.
    I want to read this when I get to that point again and realise how lying affects everyone...I used to hide empty bottles of wine/vodka and empty packs of food/sweets/biscuits etc and I need to stop being so secretive.

    Note to me:

    GET YOUR BOOK OUT AND READ IT THROUGH. WRITE IF YOU FEEL LIKE EATING, READ IF YOU FEEL LIKE EATING....JUST DONT EAT....YOU WILL BE ABLE TO SOON, BUT NOT YET.
     
  12. slendablenda

    slendablenda Gold Member

    Posts:
    3,881
    Likes Received:
    150
    Diet:
    lighterlife
    Hi Sorcha
    What a sad episode for you and your family.
    We learn our behaviour over years, so it's gonna take a long time to unlearn it.
    Sorry your daughter had to be drawn into it though, sounds like she was really trying to be supportive.
    Put it behind you and look forward. You can do it.
    True, LL does bring up the emotions we have buried under the food and drink for ages.
    It's difficult at first to deal with, but I think you'll find it empowering as you get more into it. I hope so. It has certainly worked for me emotionally as well as physically. xx
     
  13. yoyo-ohno

    yoyo-ohno Full Member

    Posts:
    332
    Likes Received:
    10
    Start Weight:
    13st2lb
    Current Weight:
    11st12lb
    Goal Weight:
    8st12lb
    Lost(%):
    1st4lb(9.78%)
    Diet:
    CD SS
    hi Hun,
    Don't be so hard on yourself ... you had a lapse, now get back on the wagon:) My LLC says that if we lapse the important thing is to learn from it .... easier said than done I know but if you weren't physically hungry, what was it that made you go out & get that burger?
    The key thing is don't beat yourself up ... if you keep on thinking you've let your daughter down it will probably make you feel worse and you might end up eating again.
    This programme is really really hard & fingers crossed my will power will hold out but no-one is perfect - all we can do is our best.
    One of the things you've said rings true with me ... I used to eat loads in secret .... it feels really embarassing to say it:eek: I've hidden crisp wrappers, empty boxes of choclates etc. so no-one would find them. Sometimes only when i emptied the waste bin did i reaslie how much i had eaten in 1 night .... just awful:eek:
    I really want to get away from that cycle of bingeing & think this is the programme to help me do that.

    I hope you are okay today ..... I'm on here most nights if you need a chat .... :hug99:
    yoyo
    xx
     
  14. sorcha

    sorcha Likes to change diets...

    Posts:
    321
    Likes Received:
    3
    Start Weight:
    14st6lb
    Current Weight:
    13st13lb
    Goal Weight:
    10st7lb
    Lost(%):
    0st7lb(3.47%)
    Diet:
    Started with LL, then Exante, then Atkins now Exante...again!
    Ahhh thanks yoyo and slendablenda:)

    Well...my daughter and I have had a good chat, hugs and tears..I've told her I'm sorry that I ate and made her keep my secret.

    Things are really changing for me; my marriage, my whole life, my relationship with my children ( well the 2 still at home) and oh god, I have to stop pushing those feelings down deep into my stomach.

    Its like someone has opened a floodgate to the real me and it's like i'm meeting a new person. I've been 'mum' for so long and had to squash what I really want....but I dont know what that is? Can't explain it.

    I'm 40 next year and it really will be 'life begins' for all of us. I need to start with my husband and show him how much he does mean to me...rather than keep moaning about him. I always seem to blame him for things that have happened in my life....when all I have to do is look inside and realise it's ME that has caused many rows and put distance between us.

    LL has been the most amazing thing I have done...not just for my weight but for all my family. I have to make amends for all the hurt I have caused because I wasn't being the real me....now I have just got to find out who I am.

    Anyway...had my weighin tonight and after my lapse, I have lost 2lbs, so takes me to 54.5lbs. I've been lucky this week in more ways than one.

    Thank you again for reading my ramblings
     
  15. yoyo-ohno

    yoyo-ohno Full Member

    Posts:
    332
    Likes Received:
    10
    Start Weight:
    13st2lb
    Current Weight:
    11st12lb
    Goal Weight:
    8st12lb
    Lost(%):
    1st4lb(9.78%)
    Diet:
    CD SS
    Glad you managed to talk to your daughter :)

    WOWEE! I didn't notice before how much you had lost ... brilliant:D I think 2 lbs is great ... could've been much worse ;)
    I can't imagine how different life would feel 55 lbs lighter.

    yoyo
    xx
     
  16. sorcha

    sorcha Likes to change diets...

    Posts:
    321
    Likes Received:
    3
    Start Weight:
    14st6lb
    Current Weight:
    13st13lb
    Goal Weight:
    10st7lb
    Lost(%):
    0st7lb(3.47%)
    Diet:
    Started with LL, then Exante, then Atkins now Exante...again!
    Thanks yoyo:)

    It does feel great being lighter, although when I look in the mirror, I still look huge in my eyes...think its going to take a while to get used to being lighter...even buying the odd item of clothing in a size 14 ( and 1 pair of jeans in a 12...generous cut me thinks!lol)...I still can't get my head round it!

    Had a good day today...I'm a bit of an ebay freak at the mo and I'm selling bits to fund my packs and sold my beloved spinning wheel -- don't laugh...it's something my nan taught me and when I was bigger I felt my life was over and went into old before time mode...hence the purchase of said spinning wheel! -- for £155!!
    Really chuffed with that...2 more weeks on LL!!
     
Popular Forums
  1. MiniMins.com is a weight loss support community helping each other on their weight loss journey. We have a multitude of forums, from Slimming World and Exante, to Success Stories. Click the logo at the top right to return to the forum home page at any time.
Loading...