CLUCKS - thoughts/diary/notes to self....

Discussion in 'Weight Loss Diaries' started by CLUCKS, 10 January 2007 Social URL.

  1. CLUCKS

    CLUCKS Full Member

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    Hi

    Grab your water bottle, pack or bacl/tea coffee.... We could be here a while.................

    I've been posting here since Oct 06 but haven't really made any personal contributions to the site, other than a thread I started in Nov regarding binge/compulsive eating - which is really how I ended up so overweight in the first place :eek: :eek: ... Is an incredibly taboo subject - even still, anorexics are given sympathy & support, as a alcoholics, drug addicts, gamblers & smokers - yet overeaters are scorned & made to feel inadequate, greedy and often useless beings. I remeber my husband once saying... "there is no need for anyone at all to be overweight, the answer is simple - just eat less & excercise more. Coming from a man who at 6ft 2" has always weighed approx 13.5 st - aint what you wanna hear :mad: !
    After all if addiction was that simple there'd be no bloody addicts anywhere. My argument was and still is - the facts are this your body does not need illegal drugs, nicotine, to gamble or to smoke - HOWEVER you must feed it therefore everyday you are faced with your addiction and made to walk away from it!

    I have always been sympathetic to overweight people - one of my best friends has been between 15 & 19 st ALL her adult life. I have been over 14st and as little as 9st 11lb (the result of eating cottage cheese, living on diet pills & puking) - but none the less my demons have always been there. Safely hidden away so that no one really knows....:eek:

    I arrived at the VLCD scene at the end of Sept - I was 14st 2lb and in 2001 was 9st 11lbs.... My weight had stablised at approx 10st7lb but not for long. I kept eating, then dieting putting on taking off but never quite as much as I'd put on. :D

    So I embarked on the programme, was doing really well but became the slowest loser in the group. Feeling frustrated I carried on BUT was already having crooked thoughts, at this time I'd obviously not learnt (& still havent) to not listen to the devil on my left shoulder. I got so sick of turning up, listening to the bastards giggling at what they'd eaten then hearing that they'd lost 4-7lb a week! Sorry but thats how I felt.

    I changed groups but to be hones the damage had already been done - I used the excuse that I was near to my 100 days, I'd lost 2st 7 or 8lbs & I was going to eat in Dec as I was going away, numerous work functions & family functions to attend which meant that I wanted to re-start in Jan. I put on 8lbs over this period from end of Nov but when I think about what passed my lips I'm lucky it wasn't closer to 2st (I made myself sick plenty of times to make more room):( . Don't get me wrong I'm not proud & boasting - I'm mortified that food has this sort of control in my life. When packs are present there is control & that is what I need. ;)

    Anyhow - my LLC has welcomed me back, though I only started Mon my weigh in is tomorrow so I'm hoping to have either stayed the same or lost 2lbs - I ate again over the weekend to ease my nicotine withdrawls (ooops & drank white wine & choc mint baileys).... :eek:

    Well I just wanted to introduce myself properly really - now you know the REAL me!!!!

    I will tell you all about my bingeing habits in another installment - or you'll all be snoozing....

    Thanks for reading
    Luv Clare xxx
     
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  3. dizzy-n-mizzy

    dizzy-n-mizzy Not dieting ATM!

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    Together we lost 8 stone on CD.
    Hi Claire

    Really nice to learn a bit more about you. Your story has similarities to mine, I could never make myself sick though, probably a good thing I guess. I been doing CD not LL but will be interested to check how you are getting on again. Good Luck this week.

    Dizzy x
     
  4. Happe

    Happe escaping the fat

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    The REAL you is great and this time round its going to be right. You can stick to it, you will lose the weight. Make 2007 your year too.
     
  5. CLUCKS

    CLUCKS Full Member

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    Thanks Dizzy...

    :eek: Its an awful thing to do - really bad long term & I never did it til my late 20's - though secretly always wanted to! I'm ashamed that I do it, I don't know why I can't stop when I'm full - but I cant some days :confused: ...

    Its not everyday - & I have never ever ever done it whilst abstaining - I've never felt the need to, which is where the structure helps me.

    I'm hoping to have a little one to one with LLC at times over the next 8-12 weeks & if she can't help I'm def going to find a counsellor that can guide me.

    Obviously my issues run deeper than I think, they're hidden away somewhere I rear there heads in the form of gluttony :mad: ...

    Thanks for welcoming the real me xxx
     
  6. kazz

    kazz Gold Member

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    Hi Clare, just wanted to say welcome and best of luck on your journey hun
     
  7. CLUCKS

    CLUCKS Full Member

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    Thanks Kazz

    For the welcome - I appreciate it :D
    Luv Clare xxx
     
  8. CLUCKS

    CLUCKS Full Member

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    Happe

    Look forward to chatting with you - thanks for saying hello :D
    Luv Clare xxx
     
  9. thetimeisright

    thetimeisright To celebrate my losses!

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    A mixture lol!
    There are huge similarities aren't there. I can't do the sick thing though and this is the first time in 15 years I have done the laxitives. I too have done the diet pills and I can see that a diet of cottage cheese isn't good.

    Good luck with LL, the structure is great and take a lot of notice with the counselling, there is some incredibly useful things in there (says she who has chosen to completely ignore everything she has learned!!)

    I will be following your thread. Maybe we can support each other through this?
     
  10. Cake'n'eat it

    Cake'n'eat it Full Member

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    Hi Clare

    Hows your day gone? I thinks its so hard when you are a serial loser. I was 11st 4 2 years ago after doing Atkins and losing about 3 and half stone but it all went back on and some. What I keep doing is thinking I am just getting back to the weight I was and because of that I don't feel as positive about losing the weight which puts my head in a really wierd space. I have 2 weeks left of foundation and then go into development. I still look in the mirror and see a fat chick looking back. I went to wear a fitted low-cut shirt the other day and thought 'Who am I kidding - I am still more than a stone over weight and can't wear that stuff until I reach my healthy BMI?

    I can't believe you are giving up cigs as well! Its a lots to ask of yourself. I only have the odd crafty one but I dont think I could do it - fair play to you.

    Its good you are doing this now. I am ten years older than you and I think my battle with weight has ruled my 30's and stopped me being a young as I could have been. We are after all - only young once.

    You can drop you last couple of stone so quickly and you've done it before so you know you can.
     
  11. CLUCKS

    CLUCKS Full Member

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    Hi ya...

    Day 3 - well its over for me today, all foodpacks consumed plus 4l of water.... I've just copied this exert which is something I posted to another diary on thetimeisright's diary explaining why I do what I do, so I thought it only fair to copy it onto this thread so the ball of string thats in total chaos can MAYBE start to find both ends....



    Well I am 36, married, 2 kids & a dog

    My Dad's got bladder cancer & my mums just had a prolapsed bowl operated on - successfully but still worrys me a bit. My mum tries to help all she can but currently not allowed to do anything other than listen - but I can't tell her the real story, christ she's 70!

    I am general manager for a company & have 40 staff report directly to me, majority men (big bloody babies) but also 4 girls from 20 - 36 who ALL have crisis after crisis that I deal with from car troubles to abortions! You name it they come to me for help!

    In the past I have worked 18 hour days as I used to be soooo busy - this has now subsided but I do min 8 - 10 hours Mon - Fri. I am accountable for the predictions, budgets, service levels, & accountablility - that's without having to deal with the day to day operation issues - BUT I'M VERY VERY GOOD AT IT :eek: - thats the truth!

    I am also a business partner, which operates hand in hand with my managers position but am constantly worry about receiving monies in, contracts, what'll we do if it all goes wrong.

    I am married - though wanted to leave about 6-9 months ago (thats another story) because I felt trapped and unahppy - not his fault really.... mine!

    I've got 2 fantastic kids in the Autumn my daughter was the target of bullies, I don't do tears but went to work 3 days on the bounce & sobbed at my desk because I couldn't help her! My son can be very naughty - defiant & rude but so very loving, he drives my to the wine bottle sometimes.

    I have a large ish salary, nice car & 3 bed house, good job, friends, not a bad size I'm a 14 - 16. I'm not ugly, always take care of hair, nails make up....

    EVERYTHING on the OUTSIDE looks fantastic - like you people in general often compliment me telling me "i don't know how you do it" etc etc.

    On the inside I'm crying out for help - no one knows that my house is dirty, the curtains poles have fallen down, the gardens a ****ing mess, I've got shitloads of ironing to do. My credit cards maxed out & guess what I've still got to get the weekly shop in - so while I'm there I'll fill half the trolley up with food & wine that I can stuff then puke - coz thats really really going to help me isn't it!...... The saddest thing is there's no one left for me to turn to, who's going to help a fat, greedy ***** that brings it all on herself?????

    Well hun, there ya go - warts an all & do you know what that's the first time I've EVER told the world exaactly how I feel about my 'perfect life' thats far from it. I actually had a tear in my eye earlier - realising how really really unhappy I am xxx


    Now its on my post too - just in case your not up to speed & to be fair I don't want to take over someone else's post with my issues too

    xxx

     
  12. Isis

    Isis Ancient Egypt Nut!

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    I'm looking forward to the next instalment Clare:D

    I am 8 stone overweight, been a binge eater and am a Drug and Alcohol Counsellor so am totally with you about addictions taking many forms.

    In my opinion it is no different or less damaging to use food as a drug of choice than it is to use Alcohol or Drugs, Illicit or licit.

    Lacey..x
     
  13. kazz

    kazz Gold Member

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    Hey Clare, I have read your post on the other thread too...

    As I said there, please make sure you post your feelings and thoughts here. If people dont know wat you are going through noone can offer you the support you need.

    That said, I have never been thru wat you have and have no idea how you feel, but its really important for you that you continue to post so people who have been thru similar things can help you.

    Hope you have a fab day!
     
  14. luna

    luna Member

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    I just read your last few posts and wanted to say you are very brave to be so honest - being a bulimic is usually a very solitary and secretive existence (and I speak from experience here :( . When I feel braver I shall fess up on my diary). In fact it's so crap isn't it, especially if you are a bad one like me ie one who does it without the benefit of weight control! So, I hope your fessing up is the start of being able to deal with it. But we are just like any other addicts. You've done the admitting it bit which I think is one of the hardest parts - I'm sure there are others on this board who haven't 'come' out yet. Now is onwards to the healing part, one day at a time an' all that....

    Take care.
     
  15. CLUCKS

    CLUCKS Full Member

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    Thank you for your kind words - I'm feeling horrid this morning as I feel so ashamed of myself!!!!
     
  16. kazz

    kazz Gold Member

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    You should never feel ashamed of yourself. You are only human after all!
     
  17. CLUCKS

    CLUCKS Full Member

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    NOTE TO SELF

    I must not SMOKE
    I must not SMOKE
    I must not SMOKE
    I must not SMOKE

    I've got a headache - need a pack and some nice flavoured hot water.

    I must not SMOKE
    I must not SMOKE
    I must not SMOKE
    I must not SMOKE

    Off to the blender :D :D :D :D
     
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  19. flirty40greeneyes

    flirty40greeneyes Busy busy busy!!

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    Clare just sat and read your thread and posts on other threads from you.

    You have nothing to feel ashamed about in telling us. I haven't personally been there in the making myself sick ... but a lot of the rest I can relate to. This is your personal journey and I hope you get the help and support off your LLC to live a happy healthy normal life. You will certainly have every help and support online form people here at Minimins.

    Good luck Clare.
     
  20. thetimeisright

    thetimeisright To celebrate my losses!

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    Clucks, I am literally flying through as I have a new staff member today and haven't had chance to say hello to her yet never mind start her induction, have had to leave her to others!!

    Sending you a big hug. Don't feel ashamed, I honestly feel that this is your first step to recovery.

    Today I think I am going to take the bull by the horns and fess up to my husband :eek: (then again I may not lol)!
     
  21. Gen

    Gen Normal

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    hey there... please don't feel ashamed you should be patting yourself on the back for being so brave for admitting your inner most feelings... most people NEVER do that...well done and use ur diary for gettin it all off your chest and your healing process will begin!!

    love to you

    Gen xxx
     
  22. CLUCKS

    CLUCKS Full Member

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    Hmmmm

    There's no way I'm telling my husband - he doesn't even understand why people are fat :mad: :mad: :mad: as far as he's concerned we are all greedy and to a point a bit lazy. ALL we need to do is eat less & excerise more :eek: :eek: :eek:
    I'm now picturing him alongside Majorie Dawes on FATFIGHTERS :D :D :D :D... Hi & welcome to FatFighters......

    Just had a pack and feeling a bit better, now just need to get some water down my neck...
     
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