CLUCKS - thoughts/diary/notes to self....

[thetimeisright]

There's no way I'm telling my husband - he doesn't even understand why people are fat as far as he's concerned we are all greedy and to a point a bit lazy. ALL we need to do is eat less & excerise more
I'm now picturing him alongside Majorie Dawes on FATFIGHTERS ... Hi & welcome to FatFighters......

Just had a pack and feeling a bit better, now just need to get some water down my neck...

ROFL, have to say mine is like that - Mr "just cut back all the crap" and "I have never had a weight problem in my life it is all about moderation". Ho hum!!!

 

[CLUCKS]

dear oh dear

Oh I know - bless em....
His idea of me going on a diet is to invite me this Fri to the ALL YOU CAN EAT Chinese in the town centre.....
la la la la laaaaaaa

He's 6ft 3, about 13 st 7 and never ever, ever suffered with his weight!

His sister however is approx 15 - 16 st - and yes she resents him too

 

[tootsie]

Hi Clucks

I have just read your posts. I think you have just echoed everything that I do, feel etc etc, are you me but in another part of the country?

I do everything you do, binge, puke (not all the time). Feel very ashamed and this is the first time I have told anyone.
I think it is going to be a while until I am brave enough to put it down in writing, but I am so there with you.

I do actually, for the first time, feel in control with food. I have not craved anything yet, though I am sure that will come and I don't even feel as if I could eat or drink at moment. I am so looking forward to each weeks councelling as i am sure we will all learn so much about ourselves and our habits.

Take care of yourself hun, we are on the road to recovery and will be happy, healthy and in control.
Feel free to PM me at any time.

Much love xxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[CLUCKS]

Thanks Toots
Feeling ashamed but bit better for FINALLY admitting what I do, all be it to people I cant see but I speak to via my fingertips!!!!
PS you can't be that far away - although I live in BERKS I'm from Middlesex & Surrey is on my doorstep xxx

 

[Russiandoll]

If you want to hear 'screwed up' Clucks ... I used to be JEALOUS of bulemics ... and even MORE jealous of anorexics. I admired their control and hated myself even more for having none.

Having screwed up thoughts is the price we pay for having brains I suppose!

If there's a positive to this clucks, it's that by opening up, you've found that far from being 'odd', you're one of the majority. I think you'll find it's the ones who claim to have NO hang ups, issues or problems that are by far in the minority - and they tend to be very flat and one dimensional. We complex souls think a lot more (sometimes too much) and we are more interesting to know!

Now, if we could only stop punishing ourselves for being so interesting ......

 

[tootsie]

Are you O.K to post where you are from in Berks?

 

[thetimeisright]

If you want to hear 'screwed up' Clucks ... I used to be JEALOUS of bulemics ... and even MORE jealous of anorexics. I admired their control and hated myself even more for having none.

Having screwed up thoughts is the price we pay for having brains I suppose!

If there's a positive to this clucks, it's that by opening up, you've found that far from being 'odd', you're one of the majority. I think you'll find it's the ones who claim to have NO hang ups, issues or problems that are by far in the minority - and they tend to be very flat and one dimensional. We complex souls think a lot more (sometimes too much) and we are more interesting to know!

Now, if we could only stop punishing ourselves for being so interesting ......

Fab post Debbie, this has made me laugh (and truly laugh) for the first time today.

Edited to say I'm not laughing at the first bit of your post, just the remainder!

 

[CLUCKS]

Where I am from

I live not far from sunny slough.... work near Heathrow Airport where the world never sleeps....
Bit like me the last few nights xxx

 

[CLUCKS]

How did it all happen

If you want to hear 'screwed up' Clucks ... I used to be JEALOUS of bulemics ... and even MORE jealous of anorexics. I admired their control and hated myself even more for having none.

Having screwed up thoughts is the price we pay for having brains I suppose!

If there's a positive to this clucks, it's that by opening up, you've found that far from being 'odd', you're one of the majority. I think you'll find it's the ones who claim to have NO hang ups, issues or problems that are by far in the minority - and they tend to be very flat and one dimensional. We complex souls think a lot more (sometimes too much) and we are more interesting to know!

Now, if we could only stop punishing ourselves for being so interesting ......

RD - I don't think that's screwed up, you were jealous of the control, not the result it has on them...

I can't accept that I am bullimic - but I know that I am ... Its a helpless feeling that I have with regards to food which is why abstaining really helps but isn't the answer!

I use so many excuses to binge - I can't pin point it to one particular thing that triggers it off which is clearly something I need to, at some point discover.

I feel decidely odd today - calm, sad, relieved, headache, cant be arsed with anyone here at work though I am going out in an hour to literally blow the cobwebs away via the Post Office.

I can feel another load of waffle coming on at some point....

 

[tootsie]

Hey you are pretty near me. I am not far from Guildford. maybe we could do a black coffee sometime? How old are your kids?

 

[tootsie]

I have just read the whole of yours and TIR's threads and feel as if I am almost almost a mirror image of both of you. I am now starting to wonder if this feeling euphoria I have had in the last two days will continue. I hope so

Much love to you both xxxxxxxxxx

 

[CLUCKS]

Laa Laa Land.....

Well its fast approaching time for me to leave this evening - class starts at 6pm & we're not allowed to be late ... I shall be leaving shortly as its about half hour drive from here.
Today has been ok apart from me thinking about how many people annoy me - take advantage of me & add to my nasty feelings which lead to my bingeing.
As I mentioned before as yet I cannot find a pattern to why I do it? It can be when I am angry, happy or stressed - not usually when I am sad though ????
Not sure I'm ready to dump this all on my LLC this evening & certainly not within the group - only met them last week & dont feel comfortable with them yet!
Feel really really really tired but that may be sa I have not slept well at all this week.
You may have gathered that I gave up smoking last week & was meant to start abstaining Fri morning but I was worried I wouldn't be able to deal with food & nicotine withdrawl at the same time so I gave myself the weekend to come off fags then got on packs first thing Mon...
I've been fagless & foodless since ....
I'll try & get back this evening xxx

 

[tootsie]

Morning Clucks

Really hoping you are feeling a bit more positive today.

Take it easy hun, big hugs,

 

[CLUCKS]

BAD BAD BAD BAD DAY!!!!

I'm still here - got on the scales after 4 days of abstaining & drinking 4ltr + of water...... The scales hadn't flippin budged! I knew though didn't I, I said yesterday!

My scales are very very similar to LLC's - although they're manual I can see if I drop a pound or 2 & although compulsive in many ways don't actually bother too much with the scales

I weighed on the before my re-start as I NEEDED to know roughly what I'd put on & only got on them yesterday morning & they'd not moved

I was gutted - rest of group did 6 - 8 lbs EACH! Then there was ME

Poor LLC - she tried to say all the right things, as did the group but even they said they couldn't believe it. Then I started to think - I'm sure I am preparing for TOTM. I've got a mariner coil fitted so I don't really have proper ones though. I've had headache for 2 days & feeling all emotional - all signs. So I though SOD it I'll carry on abstaining I won't do pop in Sun or I'll be tempted for her to weigh me & I'd rather wait & see better result NEXT THU

Also my ketosis stix was very very dark - I'm NOT dehydrated so could I be retaining water. I've told myself yes, at least 4 lbs of it (lol)

Anyway one of the lady's in group - had pop in last Sun & lost 4lbs then popped in again Wed & stayed the same. Out of curiosity she hopped on the scales again - she'd put on 5lbs!!!

How MUCH better do you think I felt

So again this morning.......

packs on desk CHECK
water on desk CHECK

Oh - I've told a little lie though, hope you don't mind, I've told everyone that I didn't get weighed just had ketosis stix done as I'd only been abstaining 4 days. Therefore no justification or explanations required as so why I am no lighter.

NOTE TO SELF - keep telling yourself that you NEVER GOT WEIGHED NEVER GOT WEIGHED

Luv Clare xxx

 

[flirty40greeneyes]

Oh Clucks - I know how you feel - I weighed myself today and put on 2lb!!!! WTF I've been sooooo good! Bitterly disappointed .... my body is letting me down and I'm trying so hard to help it.

Keep on glugging girl and next week will be a different story for both of us!

 

[CLUCKS]

TTIR - thread

I can't keep butting in on TTIR's thread so thought I'd come here and digest the wondersul support & kindness that has been expressed....

I have decided to have yet another ramble really, everytime I read back through the thread I get really really emotional. I can't believe I've ended up in such a bloody mess.

I can't face working back through it all to find out where it started either, I've had a weight problem since I was a child. I remember at 9 wearing clothes for an 11 yr old and all my cousins laughing at me! As an older child at approx 14 - 14 my mum and I agreed that I should diet as it was obvious that I was overweight. I don't remember the diet itself but I think it was a WW type thing but as my mum did the food preparation it was fine and I weighed about 10st. When I left school I was 12.7st! I was never ever ever slim until I was over 30 can you believe that!

I had daughter when I was 26, married at 27 & with the assistance of diet pills (I know I know) managed to lose weight & get in size 16 wedding dress & weighed approx 11.7st. Had my son at 28 and went on Lipotrim for 7 days (sister in law gave me her packs as she couldn't do it) prior to joining WW - LOL I dieted to join WW what an idiot. I lost 1st then left but continued to eat healthy.

I wasn't working so joined local gym again compulsively. If I missed an evening class I'd do a morning and sometimes go morning and evening. I looked fantastic - slim, trim & fit. Think I was down to about 11st at this point..... I then decided to use pills again, I lost just over a st getting me down to 9st 10lb it was during this time that the bullimia reared its ugly head.

The rest is all down hill from there really.... which I will go through later as it all gets a bit much. I'm at work so can be a bit difficult to do a long post. Evryone keeps talking to me & I'm losing concentration....

I'll be back later to continue.....

But thanks to you all you have been so very kind it has meant the world to me that strangers could be so supportive. I feel like I know you all & you'll always be part of my life from now - which gives me a feeling of strength because at times I have felt so totally isolated, hiding behind a facade of success.

If anyone else feels like me, does what I do & doesn't have the courage yet please please don't suffer alone. If you want to PM or add to my thread please do so, even if it's unrelated at the time as you feel like you cant just come out and say it make the link. I wouldnt want anyone feeling like I have done for so long.

Love to you all
Clare

 

[Gen]

clare... you are doing amazing by getting it all out... well done...

big hugs to ya hun

love

Gen xx

 

[CLUCKS]

Saturday.......

I've not been great, ended up eating some toast - I think because everything felt so up in the air! But I've had lots and lots of positive thoughts this morning. I've emailed LLC & advised her of my true issue, she'll pick it up later....

I'm also refering back to green book - goal setting etc etc. If I can set myself mini targets I think it will really really help me on the following....

I am making myself a commitment to abstain until I lose 2 st - as you know goals need to be timed. The reason I lost a lot of faith in the programme was I'd set meself a goal of losing 4lbs EVERY week. Well it never happened so I got frequently disappointed focusing I what I'd not done rather than what I had done!!!!

So this time I've set myself a timescale of 12 weeks to lose the 2st left - LLC thought this was achieveable. During this itme I am going to try to address my feelings relating to food. Why I do it and when I do it - look at these triggers and decide what I can do.

Part of my problem is when I stop there is no OFF switch - I can keep going and going and going! It's not such much sweet foods that I gorge but I always finish the bout off with something sweet almost like a trigger for me then to release it?????

I sometimes feel out of control with all the pressures of work, home, kids OH, like we all do no doubt only I bottle all my feelings up I find it very difficult to discuss my feelings although am an open & loving person! Its these OOC feelings that frequently lead to me bingeing, I must do it as some part of healing ritual, like everything is OOC & I can't get it under control as there's too much to do. I could write it all down, catagorise but this is far too frighten as I will then see what a mess I am in. So instead I gorge to release some sort of seratonin (or whatever the endorphine of well being is called ) to make me feel better????

Interesting thought though not sure if it is - its most def related to my situation without a doubt.

I'm going to go to arcade & play noughts & crosses & relect on how I feel typing this down.


Luv Clare xxx

 

[CLUCKS]

From bad to worse - now I've had enough

Just when I thought I was back on track - a trip away with no packs and it ALL goes wrong!!!
Company I work for has gone into Administration but been bought by an unknown consortium.... I've got 40 people whinging and whining - even though nothing has changed for any of them!
So yet again I have EATEN .....
BUT I have not made myself ill, which is something....
I've got spare packs in car now for emergencies & pack to abstaining again TODAY....
Can't make ot to the class Thu as I will be away again but need to let her no of yet ANOTHER crisis in my dieting LIFE.
Why can't I get this right!!!!!???????
I'm sure I've got all angles covered now - surely NOTHING else can go wrong ...
I DETERMINED NOT TO LET ANYTHING GET IN MY WAY FOR THE NEXT 8 DAYS BEFORE MY NEXT CLASS

 

[CLUCKS]

whoop wooooo

Well it took me a few months - but I'm finally back! I have had crisis after crisis, which I have used as an excuse to overeat, binge & drink! Ending up now at over 13 and a half st!!!! I'm on day 5 and dlong well and have dropped over half stone - prop about 9lbs.
Dont feel any benefits as yet but its only a few days . I am just doing this all 1 day at a time, which is all I can take. I'm still at work through the problems we experienced at the beginning of the year!
I am tryng my hardest not to binge - which as you will gather from this thread is one of the hardest things for me NOT to do.
I'm freezing too :cry: .... But feeling good about managing to keep within the boundries of SS - dreading the bloody weekend though & its only Tuesday .
I hope to write more & more positive things here in the future xxxx