So sorry for the ramble - I just am so down.
Confession.... I fell off the wagon completely. Well...err...fell off it, hit the concrete, bounced a long a bit, banged my head, scraped my elbows, rolled into a muddy ditch, and choked on some stagnant rainwater! Lol.
Week 5 on following the weightwatcher plan, pretty much 100%, and I've gained even more weight. I told the lady that I didn't want to know this week's result. I told her not to tell me because I really will go off the rails. The stress at home has been stupid, and I've been fighting to stay on board, so I didn't want to hear what I already knew. She did as I asked, wrote in the information, handed back the book, and I went to sit down to hear the lecture on a topic I was interested to hear, with renewed hope. Only while waiting, I overheard them tally the results, and heard my name and that I'd gained 4lbs. Mental crash! And to top it off, the leader decided that she found the weeks lecture topic dull and changed it to discuss the WW song in detail, where the message seems to be that if you are fat, you must hate yourself terribly, and to be worthy and happy, you have to be slim! What a load of rot! I sat there looking at all the other ladies who do feel like that, and really do hate themselves, thinking I am so lucky I never had that opinion.
The reason I need to lose weight is because I have had arthritis since the age of 6. Three years ago, I weighed well over 21.5stone, and my weight bothered others, not me. I was eating at that point less that 500 calories a day thanks to the 'eat less move more' message, and had chronic malnutrition. But anyway - I had to do something about it before having surgery (not weight surgery). In the following 2 years, I got down to 13st 8lbs on the day of surgery, through a controlled diet and excercise from a Personal Trainer. But all the time, the more weight I dropped, my arthritis was getting worse, not better. Then it was revealed that fat had been depleted from my joints while I was losing weight, and that's why it was making it more painful.
However, I was maintaining well, for a year, and still excercising lots, so when I rapidly gained weight after developing an underactive thyroid, purely because of the pain from my Arthritis , I had to do something more. I have since been told that because the fat doesn't appear to have returned to the joints, I will forever now be forced to diet. I am not happy.
So here I am on weightwatchers, because the NHS programme I was put on, was no use whatsoever. I have no supportive friends around me, and my family who I live with are even worse. Mother buys cakes and crisps for my dad all the time, and he refuses to have them shut away saying it's his house. My brother has crashed in his apparent diet attempt, and has been eating lots of not so good foods, and to top it all - mother has also decided to bake lots of cupcakes, and that the toasted sandwich maker (i love cheese ham and pickle toasties) must stay out all the time for my brother, who uses it a lot. Add to that, the other pressures and the knowlege that I am worse off in weight, than I was 5 weeks ago... I crashed this week in a massive way.
This week alone - the junkier side of my food habits, mostly binged on during the 48hours of the weigh in day, I have eaten 6 bags of wotsits that I didn't like and made me ill, 80g peanuts, chocolate - again didn't like it and made me ill. A box of WW chocolate slices, 2 WW hot rich chocolate puddings, 3 cheese and pickle toasties, a 8th of block of cheese on stuff and a large steak, and a half chicken, and 2 boxes of Asda seafood selection, and a couple of 130g salmon poached in lemon juice. Not to mention all the salad and some fruit and fresh squeezed apple juice. Most days have been pointed in the late 30's (I had 32 points) and on one day 52 points.
I feel rubbish and miserable in my head, - because stupidly, I've just weighed myself and gained again - well no surprise there. But in my body, I feel energised again, with the protein (was on a grilled and un-marinated, high meat and fish diet for last 3yrs so WW was always going to be a struggle), and comfortably full for the first time since starting.
I should stop this binging and start WW again with new resolve - but I just don't know how, and I just don't fit in with my group who are all self haters it seems. last week, I felt like I'd stepped into a cult meeting of emo's, to be honest!
Any advice from anyone? I can put up my diet diary up if anyone wants to see. But the first 3 weeks, I followed the Quick start booklets, and added things, to make up to the 32 points. I gained a lot of weight in those weeks. I want to go it alone for 2 weeks, because I feel if I go back again this week, and told I've put on more weight again by Tuesday - I will give up for good.
The other problem affecting my mood is that today is the first day I'm back on crutches to get around, after being crutch free for 2 and half years. It's a horrible feeling, that I'm back at this stage especially as I have had a taste of what it's like to be free of them.
Can someone give me a major kick up the bottom please!?!
x
